Guys I have a moral dilemma and I feel it’s only one that others with narc parents will understand. Apologies if it’s a bit of a long read, I’ll try and stick to the key points.
both my parents are very narcissistic in their own ways but this is more about my father. I was very close to his parents (my grandparents) growing up, they were like surrogate parents to me. But they were complete enablers and blinded themselves to how he really is.
My grandma got dementia shortly before she died and before I knew the full extent of it, my dad had her large estate, transferred over to him. He’d started spending it before she’d even died.
I’ll never know if my grandma had a will, or if she intended to include myself and my siblings in it. And even if she did have one, legally my father had gotten her to transfer the money across before she died anyway.
to his credit, he did a lot of the caring for her. But I also feel this partially fed into his justification of taking all the money. I estimate she had about £100K to her name.
this happened a few years ago and I never brought it up. I never asked for a penny. I’ve never asked for money from my parents, ever.
my fiancé and I got engaged recently and wedding planning has been tough. I’d saved as much as I could and I thought this would get me a decent wedding, but my funds aren’t going to stretch very far.
part of me hoped that after several months of being engaged and coming up to Christmas, my father would want to gift me something towards the wedding. Putting the money aside, this was a part of me hoping he’d come through for me as a father, to want to be supportive. To want to show an interest. We own a home already and live some distance away, so realistically there won’t be many other opportunities for him to step in as a parent, to help me. It truly hurts how little he seems to care or have an interest in my getting married. If I said I didn’t want him to give a speech or walk me down the aisle, I truly don’t think he’d care other than maybe his ego being bruised
my narcissistic mother thinks I should call him and butter him up in the hopes of him gifting me money. But this doesn’t sit right with me, nor does asking for it outright.
but likewise, the pile of wealth he’s sitting on and spending on himself… it’s my grandparents money. I truly believe they’d have wanted to have contributed to a wedding if they’d been alive.
part of me would feel beholden to him if he gifted me money, whereas if he didn’t, at least he wouldn’t have a single cause to feel entitled to walk me down the aisle or be involved in the wedding.
I don’t want a grand fancy wedding, the costs have come from a somewhat large wedding guest list (~85 people).
but the money would go to having the friends I’ve made over the years there, the people who have meant so much to me, and I can’t ask them to celebrate without their spouses, which is how the guest list has gotten so high. Plus the more people at a wedding the way I see it, the more of a buffer I have from spending time with my parents.
(not inviting my family isn’t an option right now. I don’t want to go into why, but I’m just not at the place where I can do that yet and cut them off that way.)
so yeh, my dilemma is ..
1. I don’t ask my dad for money and end up with half the people I want to join me, and having to spend more time with my awful family.
2. I ask him and he says no, which will cause a lot of hurt but at least I can stop holding out hope.
3. I ask him and he says yes, and I will get to share my wedding day with my loved ones, even if it does come with strings attached from him.
wedding planning has been so tough, because it really has shone a light on how little my parents really wish the best for me, how little they really care. At a time when I desperately want them to be there for me, to want to be parents to me… they just don’t.
I can’t really talk about this with my friends because, as soon as money is mentioned I feel like I come across as shallow and grabbing, but I’ve never asked my father for a penny in my life and I’ve been paying my own way largely, since I was 16. I desperately want him to step up as a dad just once, in whatever way. But I just don’t think that’s going to happen.
so yep, advice and thoughts would be appreciated.
I loved that one. Still struggle with it sometimes.
he was a bit taken aback but did admit that he has issues.
