Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[not_influenced]

What are your relationships like with your siblings?

I'm made out as if I'm the problem, cutting my parents out is "hurtful to them" "after all that they have done for us". If I don't text back or answer calls from sibling immediately or within days, I'm bombarded with messages of "are you ok" & "this is not normal behaviour". Or this most recent classic has been "I'm just checking you're ok as this is not normal, my message only comes from a place of love."

How many different ways can you say f*ck off?!?

 

[Bettyboo2475]

I'm glad you have your husband to support you I don't suppose husband could go in his own to collect them? Once you've seen them for the last time you can start to heal. I had therapy once I went NC and it helped a lot.

I don't understand the reasons for it, but I completely relate to them only wanting to see the kids! It's the same for me.

My husband is lovely, had a wonderful childhood and can not understand why I'm treated like this. He still says they're your parents, you should go and see them. I don't blame him at all for his view, however he does see the effect it has and he just cannot understand why. What sane person would.

He won't go in on his own because I don't honestly think he realises what it's like, I'm hoping if he sees what it's like he'll understand why I don't want to go again.

He makes me feel like I'm making things up, even though he's witnessed 10 years of this. If it's dillusional to him, then this is why other family members do the same to me. I'm the bad person. Thank you for listening and commenting, I know you understand xx

 

[Slaybutter]

I can't go 100% no contact.

How do people cope with the temper tantrums and guilt tripping?

When you must interact, try to have a friend or somebody else who is on your side be with you. Having supportive people present counteracts so much of the negativity.

 

[ItsDatCuw]

This is so relatable to me! Recently had an argument with my dad where I sent a very long message explaining how he makes me feel and in that message mentioned his dog. The only thing he replied with is the part about the dog 'he has a name'. The mind boggles
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My dad is diagnosed with EUPD but my therapist mentioned narc traits too. He has been heavily dependent on me for the past 10 years since my parents marriage broke down. He has a very limited social group due to his behaviours pushing people away. The reliance on me has just grown and grown. Recently I told him I couldn't see him for the next few weeks and he blew up on me. Tried to turn my sister against me, saying really hurtful things such as my late nan that I thought the world of, didn't think much of me. My sister told me this so I confronted him and we had a huge argument. I've asked for an apology before I speak to him again and he isn't willing to give one so he's been giving the silent treatment. Since then I'm riddled with anxiety and low mood. Anxiety as he has no one else and his mental health is so unstable and he has made threats to harm himself. Rationally I know this is all manipulation but I am struggling to manage the emotional side of this. Cant help thinking what if we don't talk before Christmas, do I let him spend it alone, do I buy presents, I feel completely stuck

I’m sorry you’ve experiencing this; It’s so weird the way they put their dogs before their children! I was reading recently that it’s actually quite common with narcissists, where they like to let us think that their dogs are worth “more” to them than we are as a way of putting us down.

The situation with your dad sounds very trying and honestly, it’s a lot like mine with my mum at times, so I can very much relate and sympathise. The irrational guilt even though you know they’re just being manipulative can be overwhelming - I guess because they’ve been teaching us to feel this way our whole lives - but please remember to put yourself first and that if someone is deliberately making you feel bad, you don’t owe them a thing. I haven’t figured it out myself yet tbh but maybe cutting down contact time and setting small boundaries for a start might be helpful? x

 

[susan1375]

So an update on my auntie keeping my share of my gran's will after she tried to get my narc dad to pressure me to waive my share so that she can keep 100% of it:

Citizen's advice were very nice but I'm not entitled to any sort of legal aid so the only thing is to contact solicitor. Spoke to solicitor's secretary today and they said they will give me a call back by the end of the week with a plan and the cost. Not sure whether I'll be able to afford any of it so I guess I'm no further ahead really.

Try a local uni - the law students sometimes run clinics and are monitored by their lecturers to check they don’t mess up! I think exams start soon and then they are off till sept but if a solicitor is too expensive you could try a student run legal advice clinic (free).

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Ugh! I hate this day. After everything he's done, and even though he happily ignores my birthday, I still feel guilty about being NC.

 

[Ablemabel]

She sounds like she's constantly trying to needle you. Perhaps she's insecure.

Only way to stop it is to not react at all. Eventually she might cut it out, sometimes they don't because it's a default behaviour for them. Unfortunately like everything this means you have to focus on your reaction to her and try not to have one. It's bloody difficult!

 

[Drea1984]

It’s so lovely to speak to someone who understands.
My brother even said to me I owe our father nothing. We are not on good terms either sadly as he has literally left it all to me despite not working for 25 years. We used to be so close.
When I have previously visited I felt nothing.
I feel he has karma for a lifetimes awful behaviour. But sadly I’m caught in the crossfire.
Are your parents self funding?

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

How thoughtful of you to think of all of us @Nadia Vulvokov hope you’re doing okay xx

it’s coming up to a year since I last spoke to my narc mother. She’s asked my brother a few times what she’s ‘done wrong’ and that she doesn’t know why I’m not speaking to her, but if she doesn’t know by now then she’ll never know (I won’t go into it and merail the thread but it’s a few pages back).

Morhers day tomorrow is giving me a weird guilty feeling though I know it shouldn’t. Usually I would organise the flowers/card from siblings and I, and on the odd occasion one of my siblings has organised on our behalf. They haven’t mentioned anything which makes me feel they may have forgotten? Though my siblings will have a good relationship with my mother, the fact they may have forgotten makes me feel guilty, why is this? I know I shouldn’t care, but I can’t shake it, it’s so frustrating.

hope you’re all doing okay and looking after yourself, sending love xx

No worries at all, Hope you're doing OK.

Can imagine it's hard not to feel guilty when you usually organise things, plus having a toxic parent can make you anxious for not doing what is 'expected' of you. If your siblings are grown ups then you aren't to blame if they don't do anything, you're not responsible for them. Go easy on yourself x

 

[Beth1980]

I have very minimal contact with my parents due to my mother but I sent a card and flowers only because doing nothing would be 'thrown back' at me at some point. Last year I gifted a voucher for somewhere and later had a card/letter ( can't remember why) and it had a side note that she no longer visited that place.
I just laughed because I really didn't give a f*** as with the flowers I am just playing her game back at her.

 

[cosytoes]

It’s just annoying and a millstone that we need to carry around 24/7. Have had a wee read of her comments and will give them a try

Please do for your own mental wellbeing. Also this is a totally safe environment with such supportive people. So continue to share your thoughts and feelings with us. I find it very cathartic just offloading. It may help you to put things into perspective. Many virtual hugs.

 

[ItsDatCuw]

She sounds unhinged!!! My dog has a name but I call her the dog sometimes.
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Yep. Just makes me realise what a cunt the thing that birthed me is. If I didn’t have a horse and dog I’d be going away over Christmas to visit my sister who lives abroad.

She is something else. Her favourite hobby is to triangulate her children with the dog, where she’ll be really curt/sour/downcast with us and then immediately be all over the dog. She once didn’t speak to me for a month because I told her I preferred cats to dogs (something she already knew): “You mean you don’t like Piggy???!! Awwww! Poor Piggy!!!” And then her whole face and attitude changed and she started seething and giving me the silent treatment for a whole month. I swear the evil vibes that emanate from her when she thinks we’ve insulted or dismissed the dog in some way. Unreal

 

[Urbanbunny]

Hello, I realise I am just another poster in a throng of thousands of us but could do with some help/pointers/explanations

Here’re the facts.

Mum an alcoholic

Very bitter about divorce from my dad 20 odd years ago. Hates all her exes and randomly angry that one collects bikes. Was insanely jealous of his relationship with his teenage daughter and still goes on about how much of a “little cunt” she is

Tells me she loves me but shows no sympathy that my dad has terminal cancer - it’s all about how shit her life is

Bed bound - no one knows if she’s really ill or made herself this ill to get PIP

Has carers who come in twos because she’s so abusive and angry to them.

Refuses to eat the food they’ve made / says they spit in her food / says they hide her belongings / steal her jewellery (that defo isn’t true) / says they sexually assaulted her but won’t complain to the council

Refuses personal care and hasn’t washed in months and refuses to get a hoist to help her

Won’t use occupational health (says they don’t come?) to get better

Says she doesn’t want to be here

Always been angry and short tempered and violent and used to say she hated me

I tried going no contact but I worry about her

I know addiction is an illness and my brother says that it’s futile trying to understand why she is the way she is

Just wondered if she sounds like she has a personality disorder ? I feel like she’s got NPD but I’m too close to the problem to work it out

 

[Urbanbunny]

Well today it has finally happened, had a horrible passive aggressive message from my parents this morning. And for once I actually stood up for myself rather than just letting them treat me like they normally do. And my mum did not like it at all, told me she never wants to speak to me again and has blocked all forms of contact. I actually feel relieved, I don’t feel sad at all. It’s been a long time coming really

this sounds like a great outcome. You’ve removed a problem and you didn’t even need to do it yourself.

 

[HitnMiss]

I feel for your friend Blackbird, she's never going to receive the approval she wants from her mother

 

[Maid22]

I'm the same, I don't think I'm a bad person, but I end up feeling like I must be, since I just can't make friends like "normal people". And being told by the narc parent, what a horrible person I am of course doesn't help!

That's so cruel of them to make you feel like that, and trust me, you are normal, but the way they've made you feel, you are going to be guarded, which might make folks think you're being stand offish, you're not, you're protecting yourself

 

[Chandler Bing]

Are you still entitled to inherit any money once they pass if you're not in their will though?

I don't know about anyone else, but my narc mother would use it as a bargaining chip for my time and access to information about me. Like "why should I include you in my will when you never see me / don't contact me etc?"

I'd rather be free of her and not receive a penny when she dies than have some sort of obligation to keep in touch to be entitled to anything in her will.

I know for a fact that there is no will so yes I would be entitled to something. But I also do know it won't be a lot since a lot of the assets have already been funneled to my golden child sibling and are already in his name.

 

[AlwaysSummer]

I think I’ve run out of resilience. I’ve gone through my life always trying to maintain a sense of “well what if things get better tomorrow?”. I don’t think that is there any more. Just once I’d like someone to look after me. My dad wasn’t the best dad or even around much but I know that he loved and actually liked me and he’s gone, my mum is the one left and im
No contact with her for my sanity. I’ve always been able to have a plan, I’ll just keep on, keep moving, next steps. But now it’s like what’s the point? Nothing gets any better. I’m so tired, everyone expects 100x more from me than themselves.

You sound emotionally exhausted and if no contact makes sense right now, don’t feel guilty for a second that this is the right choice by you. Take care to nurture yourself. Sending hugs xx

 

[Bettyboo2475]

Ah your feelings are pretty normal. I often fantasise that my dad is pleased to see me/ proud of me, or even that he realises what he's done.

I hope tomorrow goes ok. Although if it goes okay it can leave you confused about whether you got them all wrong, and then you go back, and then they break your heart all over again. How much time do you have to spend with him tomorrow?

He's in a care home, and the last time we went was awful. He just has let himself go completely, I don't want to go or take my kids to see him like that. It's traumatic but my brother has left Easter eggs and a birthday card for my youngest there, don't know why he couldn't post them. So am being forced to go. My husband is coming too, I no longer want to visit either parent without him. After tomorrow I won't visit again. Have to do the same with my mum, same story completely. They want to see the kids, not me, never me xx

 

[nothanksbabes]

Do narcissists blame you for something that happens to them even though 100% it’s a)there responsibility b)you didn’t do anything
A situation has occurred today and I’m getting blamed for it.
Also is it normal for a narc to call you self centred, horrible and it’s all about you even though you feel like breaking down because I’m all honesty without sounding like a self pity post I feel my life quite frankly has revolves around the narc and I haven’t really lived or done my own thing. I’m always the afterthought I always have put others first, because I care about others and less so myself.
It’s so cruel.
I look at myself and I don’t recognise myself anymore. I’ve been put in a box and this is life now. I know it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s exhausting. I’m permanently tired.

Yes. They will literally do something in front of your face and then blame you for it without a second thought, and if you question them about it the narc rage starts because how dare you criticise them... at which point they project a list of their own failings on you.

It's exhausting and you quickly start to question your own sanity. It's like trying to reason with a brick. Suddenly everything you do revolves around placating the narc lunatic.