Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[call.me.coco]

Guys I have a moral dilemma and I feel it’s only one that others with narc parents will understand. Apologies if it’s a bit of a long read, I’ll try and stick to the key points.

both my parents are very narcissistic in their own ways but this is more about my father. I was very close to his parents (my grandparents) growing up, they were like surrogate parents to me. But they were complete enablers and blinded themselves to how he really is.

My grandma got dementia shortly before she died and before I knew the full extent of it, my dad had her large estate, transferred over to him. He’d started spending it before she’d even died.

I’ll never know if my grandma had a will, or if she intended to include myself and my siblings in it. And even if she did have one, legally my father had gotten her to transfer the money across before she died anyway.

to his credit, he did a lot of the caring for her. But I also feel this partially fed into his justification of taking all the money. I estimate she had about £100K to her name.

this happened a few years ago and I never brought it up. I never asked for a penny. I’ve never asked for money from my parents, ever.

my fiancé and I got engaged recently and wedding planning has been tough. I’d saved as much as I could and I thought this would get me a decent wedding, but my funds aren’t going to stretch very far.

part of me hoped that after several months of being engaged and coming up to Christmas, my father would want to gift me something towards the wedding. Putting the money aside, this was a part of me hoping he’d come through for me as a father, to want to be supportive. To want to show an interest. We own a home already and live some distance away, so realistically there won’t be many other opportunities for him to step in as a parent, to help me. It truly hurts how little he seems to care or have an interest in my getting married. If I said I didn’t want him to give a speech or walk me down the aisle, I truly don’t think he’d care other than maybe his ego being bruised

my narcissistic mother thinks I should call him and butter him up in the hopes of him gifting me money. But this doesn’t sit right with me, nor does asking for it outright.

but likewise, the pile of wealth he’s sitting on and spending on himself… it’s my grandparents money. I truly believe they’d have wanted to have contributed to a wedding if they’d been alive.

part of me would feel beholden to him if he gifted me money, whereas if he didn’t, at least he wouldn’t have a single cause to feel entitled to walk me down the aisle or be involved in the wedding.

I don’t want a grand fancy wedding, the costs have come from a somewhat large wedding guest list (~85 people).

but the money would go to having the friends I’ve made over the years there, the people who have meant so much to me, and I can’t ask them to celebrate without their spouses, which is how the guest list has gotten so high. Plus the more people at a wedding the way I see it, the more of a buffer I have from spending time with my parents.

(not inviting my family isn’t an option right now. I don’t want to go into why, but I’m just not at the place where I can do that yet and cut them off that way.)

so yeh, my dilemma is ..
1. I don’t ask my dad for money and end up with half the people I want to join me, and having to spend more time with my awful family.
2. I ask him and he says no, which will cause a lot of hurt but at least I can stop holding out hope.
3. I ask him and he says yes, and I will get to share my wedding day with my loved ones, even if it does come with strings attached from him.

wedding planning has been so tough, because it really has shone a light on how little my parents really wish the best for me, how little they really care. At a time when I desperately want them to be there for me, to want to be parents to me… they just don’t.

I can’t really talk about this with my friends because, as soon as money is mentioned I feel like I come across as shallow and grabbing, but I’ve never asked my father for a penny in my life and I’ve been paying my own way largely, since I was 16. I desperately want him to step up as a dad just once, in whatever way. But I just don’t think that’s going to happen.

so yep, advice and thoughts would be appreciated.

I would have a wedding within your means. That way, you’re not indebted to anyone. Is delaying the wedding until you have the funds an option?

Will your family be giving you money as a wedding gift? Could your mum ask what your dad plans to gift? Maybe you could ask for the gift money upfront to put towards the wedding?

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Your friends mother is a controlling bully. I think for her own mental health your friend will have to go no contact.
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I’m glad I’ve found this thread
A few months ago I stopped most contact with my mum and most of my family and it almost feels like a death if that makes sense like I’m grieving the relationship and the family dynamic I could’ve had? I know grief from when I lost my dad when I was young and it almost feels the same
From speaking to a lot of my friends especially my female friends they struggle with their mum and things their mums do

It’s been so many incidents but it’s really Facebook and over sharing that’s killed a lot of the relationships in our family. My mum will just post anything and everything to get sympathy and get attention. She pretends to be such a loving caring and understanding person online but in person she can be cold, argumentative, disinterested and make you feel so awful about yourself. She gets told several times that she’s not allowed to post things, I can’t count the amount of times that my brother and his wife told my mum not to post when she was pregnant/ just given birth and my mum did. She gets told not to post photos or baby’s names and she does then every time my mum is called out on her behaviour or something she’s posted that’s not right she’ll write a scatching Facebook status about her kids slagging them off saying she raised us so she can talk about whatever she wants and she can post whatever she wants. She’ll usually block us or unfriend us then do it and we only find out from other family members. I can’t even count the amount of times she’s done it, then it’s caused massive arguments and she still doesn’t think she’s in the wrong. She’ll just post more about how hard her life is and how horrible is to her.

She has no sympathy for anyone else having trouble in the family. When my sister in law had a miscarriage all she said was they told us too soon and they can just have another one. When my other sister in law lost a baby at birth my mum said that she shouldn’t be calling the baby, “my baby”, as it didn’t include my brother.


She lies just constantly I don’t even know if she knows the truth anymore. She’s taken my belongings without asking, she used to wear my makeup and my clothes. She took my coat and posted about it online when I asked for it back and said to her that I didn’t want her to post about me online as it makes me uncomfortable she deleted the posts only to make new ones a few minutes later with the sympathy sad faces and lines. She laughed when people were calling me cruel and saying it looked better on her. She called me fat in the comments and said I’ve crept up in weight and size and didn’t understand why I got so upset, (for years shes made comments about the fact I’m a lot shorter and curvier than the rest of my family and how she was so tall and thin and beautiful when she was my age and why couldn’t I just not gain weight easily like my sister, I really struggled with my weight and eating and I still do as a result of this). She sent me messages saying how many people had liked the statuses and photos of her saying how much better she looks. When I called her to talk about what had been posted and how much it upset me she just shouted over me saying how me and my siblings don’t message her and how awful we are. I spent the whole night shaking and crying and dreading the inevitable Facebook status slagging me off

I just don’t get it
How can you be so cruel to your child? How is she so comfortable to slag off her children and pit them against each other
How could she laugh at me when I cried and say I was faking it
How can she not respect her children’s wishes and the most simple requests

I’m terrified of being like her. I know I have the same short temper and laziness and I’ve been trying so hard to change and to stop myself before I get angry but I don’t want to be like her

Hi, I really hope you're doing ok. You sound at the end of your tether. I really resonate with your post and also have that feeling of not wanting to be like my own mum. You aren't anything like her, you have empathy and recognise behaviours in yourself you want to change which narcissistic people don't! Please be kind to yourself . I recommend some books upthread which have helped me if you feel like reading up on how to cope. Sending hugs x

 

[testingonetwothreefoiur]

Didn’t realise there was a thread on this! Hello and solidarity

I’ve just finished a course of EMDR and it’s been the best thing ever for me. It sounds weird but I can physically feel a difference in my body, like my tummy is less butterflies/anxious and I can better manage my anxiety for the first time ever. Which is great, but sad I never was given that by my parents!

EMDR is brutal, but really hits the trauma at its core. A real struggle I've had is my poor childhood memories. My sibling is sharp as a tack and will remember mundane events down to what each of us was wearing at the time. I on the other hand don't remember most things, and what I do remember is flashes of moments surrounded by fog. It's been so hard to process my trauma and not self-gaslight the hell out of myself because of this. EMDR helped me to tap into stuff I didnt even think about or remember before. And helped me to slowly re-programme my brain into more of an adult self, who could see the situation and the neglect / abuse / pain of it objectively, rather than as a helpless wounded child. It really is so helpful.

I'd be curious about any experiences people have coming from a degree of financial privilege growing up, is anyone else in this club? I find this added dimension adds more confusion and self-gaslighting to what I went through, as I grew up in a big house in a wealthy part of town, had a rake of middle class hobbies as a kid etc. I'd have traded it all in for a set of parents that didn't traumatize me into a fight or flight state for most of my childhood of course, but I've found the whole experience of "it all looked GREAT on paper" quite isolating.

 

[EllsBellsWells]

Thank you so much! I have just ordered a copy and if I am.a beneficiary I will contact the solicitor and let them know that there are communication issues and to contact me directly if possible. I have just discovered my gran's house for sale on rightmove. I've taken screenshots for memories. I'm gutted because I would have loved some old photos but I'll never get them now.

You are very welcome. Just a thought, but if you can get to her house you could book a viewing and maybe get to see it one last time? Just don’t tell them who you are, make up a fake name and after they’ve shown you round ask if you can wander round on your own before you leave? Most agents let you do that. But it might feel strange to visit it, just a suggestion if it helps you take some more photos.

 

[Urbanbunny]

narcs make everything about them. They probably know they are bad parents but it’s uncomfortable for them. They can never admit to any personal failings, that’s terrifying. That’s why they can’t ever apologise.

so when their offspring are loving, they don’t see it as that. They see it as a mirror being held up to them and forcing them to see their own inadequacies. And that’s a black hole for them, absolutely terrifying. So yeh, I think you’re probably right that a lot of you and your brothers behaviour is probably very difficult for her

because ultimately narcissism is bourne out of trauma.. for whatever reason our parents developed it as a coping mechanism probably early in childhood. The narcissicissm is there to cushion up a fragile, broken self esteem. That’s why they can’t ever risk saying sorry, or acknowledging their flaws. That’s why they don’t have room to think about other peoples’ perspectives, or empathise. It’s sad really, likely through no fault of their own they’ve been turned into these shells of human beings, lost and unhappy and creating harm all around them.

This is scarily accurate and massively helpful; thank you. My mum has always had low self esteem and used to use male attention to bolster it and now she old and drunk and has lost that power so she has nothing.

 

[screamqueen]

Ive not spoken to mine in over a month blocked and honestly it was the best decision. Im not perfect with my kids but I do everything can to be the complete opposite of my mother.

So pleased to hear it’s working for you cutting off the contact, and hope you’re doing okay
Your kids sound very lucky to have you x

 

[griftalo]

How do you deal with a stepmum who makes underlying bitching comments to you? Just last weekend we were away for a family get together and my dad said he liked my boots. I said I got them off vinted and my stepmum said something along the lines of how I’d managed to find a pair in my size. FYI I’m a uk7/Eur40. Hardly gigantic.
Typing it out, it doesn’t sound particularly bitchy, but when she tries to put you down either in front of my dad, or not, who is oblivious to it, it really begins to wind me up.

She’s a twat. I’m a 42.5, size 40 is pretty average.

 

[screamqueen]

How thoughtful of you to think of all of us @Nadia Vulvokov hope you’re doing okay xx

it’s coming up to a year since I last spoke to my narc mother. She’s asked my brother a few times what she’s ‘done wrong’ and that she doesn’t know why I’m not speaking to her, but if she doesn’t know by now then she’ll never know (I won’t go into it and merail the thread but it’s a few pages back).

Morhers day tomorrow is giving me a weird guilty feeling though I know it shouldn’t. Usually I would organise the flowers/card from siblings and I, and on the odd occasion one of my siblings has organised on our behalf. They haven’t mentioned anything which makes me feel they may have forgotten? Though my siblings will have a good relationship with my mother, the fact they may have forgotten makes me feel guilty, why is this? I know I shouldn’t care, but I can’t shake it, it’s so frustrating.

hope you’re all doing okay and looking after yourself, sending love xx

 

[HM03]

I appreciate how difficult this situation is for you. Could you contact social services and ask them to provide care for him? You deserve more in your life. If he can’t be civil to you then IMO you need to prioritise yourself. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it gets easier with practice.

Thanks for your reply. That might not be a bad idea actually. I just keep thinking I want to have my own family soon and I have to set out my boundaries now or my life will be miserable

 

[griftalo]

has anything specific brought this feeling on?

when I felt this way (thankfully I haven’t in a while) I’d go for a nice walk in nature, get a coffee and have a treat, then watch a funny TV show that would make me howl with laughter and take my mind off it.

I think you’ve got to ground yourself in the moment and not waiting for tomorrow for things to get better, but appreciating the good things as they are if that makes sense.

I understand that craving of someone to take care of you. But you can take care of you.

I’ve been fighting for the last few years to get my kids needs met, I’m in what I realise is a dreadful relationship and one of my kids decided to say all the negative things I’ve had put on me by my family over the years, while my “partner” was shouting at me about a cardboard box the other day. The fact they saw someone being abusive to me and jumped in to kick me as well has really hurt me. Same old insults - I don’t have a job, our house isn’t nice like other peoples… yet I can’t ask them to do even one job to help out or to keep their own room tidy. My partner isn’t a decorating type, if it wants doing I do it. Even changing a lightbulb is on me. I’m the only person who has any initiative, my partner would walk around in the dark for two weeks and still do nothing .

My partner can’t even remember why he was angry about the box now, I told him and he’s said it was out of order but my kid is ignoring me and has been gone since yesterday . I feel like I’m surrounded by people who can’t communicate honestly or fairly.
when I met my partner I just wanted peace and to be a team, figured we’d get married one day and I felt like we had similar values. I imagined holidays and days out but most of it has been hardship and loss.
I’ve achieved stuff for my kids over this time don’t get me wrong ( all ND - as I am) but it’s harder and harder to find any joy. There was a lovely older man locally I used to talk to out and about, he was so like my dad, so funny and intelligent, I loved our conversations, and he died a few months ago, you know when someone isn’t necessarily a friend but they’re a part of your life? I’ve found that hard. I just want to feel sometimes like someone is excited by something I am, or has thought deeply about something and can discuss it with me. I go from day to day with no meaningful adult discussion.
I have a weird health condition and could just die any day so that hangs over me anyway but I just don’t want to feel like “I thought it would be better than this”. I keep trying to improve stuff, all the time, but some of the time I just want to leave everyone. Over the years a lot of friends managed to emigrate so I have very few people left. We have no help with our kids so no adult social life at night. It’s just all got on top of me, I’m sleeping badly which makes me feel suicidal after a few bad nights generally (but I know it’s the sleep) , stress always makes my sleep disorder worse but I never get enough deep sleep anyway.
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You sound emotionally exhausted and if no contact makes sense right now, don’t feel guilty for a second that this is the right choice by you. Take care to nurture yourself. Sending hugs xx

Thank you. I’ve been no contact for a few years. She undermined relationship with my older child and I just wish I’d seen what she was doing sooner, but I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my ex then and I was just surviving. You get narc parents then you choose narcissistic partners. We need more education about this so younger people can choose better. I just had no idea.

 

[Maid22]

I'm finding it extremely hard in the last year, I don't know why. For all these years I have blocked it out, but now it's really, really hurting. Has anyone experienced this? The abuse has really messed me up as a person, I have never been able to socialise, any loud bangs and my heart races. I cant wear or touch a belt , it brings back painful memories. I used to hide under trees in the rain so I wouldn't be beaten as a child. Doors used to be broken down in the house and we would be whipped with a belt. I haven't spoken to anyone about this. It wasn't until this year that I realised how wrong that treatment was growing up as a child. But then Its like a voice in my head telling me then that I'm over reacting

I'm so sorry what you've been through, reading your post has reminded me when my late brother had the belt, my old man used the buckle, and I was made to sit there and watch it.
You are not over reacting, you're safe to say anything in this thread, am glad that you can say it here, we all understand

 

[not_influenced]

Another thing I want to rant about: the "you only get one Mum/Dad" comment. My answer to that is: "... and?"

It is not every parent who is deserving of such a title. And I'm almost certain the vast majority of those spouting that comment along with other similar platitudes ("you love him/her really", "you'll regret it when he/she dies" to name just two) grew up in happy little bubbles where everybody loved them and everything was perfect. But sadly for them, not everyone has been afforded that luxury, so the idea that you can resent, disown or estrange yourself from a parent is utterly inconceivable to them.

We shouldn't be made to feel guilty for wanting nothing to do with a parent/s who wanted absolutely nothing to do with us. Some parents have literally earned the disdain, resentment and hatred their children have for them.

My golden sibling's ultimate one liner to me!!!

 

[Definitely Maybe]

I'm sure it's been mentioned before in this thread, but I highly recommend Dr Ramani on youtube, she is an expert on NPD

 

[Rodneytrotter]

id really recommend couples therapy… because for it to be sorted, your husband has to be willing to accept responsibility for his behaviour and want to change, and therapy can be a safe space for that type of reflection.

but yeh, I think reading up on comms style and CBT techniques would be a real eye opener for you.

for example, with CBT you relfect on scenarios like your husband huffing when you want to watch TV.

how do you feel when your husband voices that he wants to watch something else when you’re watching TV?

do you become tense? How does this manifest in your body? Do your shoulders tense up, do you clench your jaw?

do you feel panicked? What is your concern and the source of panic?

If the source of your panic is fear of your husbands disproval; why do you think you need his approval to watch your TV show? is there a fair balance of whose show you watch? If you watch his shows without complaint, is it inappropriate for you to want him to reciprocate? Or perhaps it’s a reasonable request? Are you able to observe those feelings of tension/guilt/fear and let them pass without reacting to them?

and so on! It’s all about observing your emotions and trying to understand them, rather than reacting to them, and learning to sit through uncomfortable emotions.

so in that scenario, you might want to say to your husband “I see you’re a bit put out I’m watching a show on TV, but I’ve watched your TV shows multiple times this week so I’m going to continue enjoying my show“.

the communication aspect of CBT, is about passive v active communication and when it’s appropriate. A lot of people pleasers communicate passively. We don’t direct our needs. It’s really worth reflecting and observing how you communicate!

Thanks again yes ive had CBT before for different reasons and loved it! I always felt utter panic when I felt he was cross with what I was watching and went into fight or flight very quickly and either threw the remote down and stormed off or started shaking and panicking and fawning. I'm using the past tense because for the past few years I haven't touched the remote. He either puts a program on for us to watch, or the rest are his choices. The reason I dont touch it is because I'm avoiding any tension if i watch something he doesn't like. If rather not bother than risk him being cross with me.

I think I fear the actual feeling of fear, or the feeling of him not being happy with me. I feel I always have to prove I'm 'good'.

Are you a CBT therapist? You seem to know your stuff xx

 

[Slaybutter]

Do narcissists blame you for something that happens to them even though 100% it’s a)there responsibility b)you didn’t do anything
A situation has occurred today and I’m getting blamed for it.
Also is it normal for a narc to call you self centred, horrible and it’s all about you even though you feel like breaking down because I’m all honesty without sounding like a self pity post I feel my life quite frankly has revolves around the narc and I haven’t really lived or done my own thing. I’m always the afterthought I always have put others first, because I care about others and less so myself.
It’s so cruel.
I look at myself and I don’t recognise myself anymore. I’ve been put in a box and this is life now. I know it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s exhausting. I’m permanently tired.

Not in the same words but I’ve definitely got the message from my mum that my life doesn’t matter in her eyes and I’m a supporting character. It kind of haunts me? I don’t think you’re self pitying and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this treatment.

 

[Maid22]

Hey lovely!
Your words broke my heart.
I hope it’s not too late to reach out. It’s been a busy few days. My baby is unwell.

How are things with your old man?

I totally understand.
It’s one thing cutting your family from your lives and then death crops up. Almost you have to forget your feelings and act out of duty.
One thing I am frightened off. As I have to relive everything.
Your human side wants to be there for your parents. It’s all a fantasy really if you have grown in a narcissistic environment.
Then your brain works overtime and you remember all the abuse, toxicity and recall the reasons you went no contact.
You have to do what’s right for you.
If you don’t want your name written on any headstone Have your say? You’re in control of your life and don’t worry about everyone else’s feelings.
Did they care about you ?

One thing you have to ask yourself would you regret not going. Even when they are dying they make you feel crappy. Would you make peace with yourself if you went. Almost like you know that’s the end.

You know ever since I had my baby whilst pregnant I cried most evenings wishing my siblings would be in my babies life. I got my wish come true and it was all of a fantasy. I regret it deeply.
It doesn’t take narcissists to go back to their roles. They can only hide for so long.
I can’t believe how selfish people and play the victim.

I am sorry you’re going through a hard time.
It’s shitty really. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Vent as much as you like I’ll monitor this thread a bit more.
I am happy to hear your collie is on the mend.

Thank you lovely, really hope your baby is ok xx
I wrote out a massive reply, just deleted it, too much stuff to share on here, such a shame we cant pm each other
I shan't be getting in touch with them, there's been too much damage and upset over the years

 

[Ablemabel]

I’m not sure if others feel the same way but, as angry and hurt/heartbroken as I feel because of my parents … I also feel really sorry for them (and my sister, who they have moulded into being like them).

I can see that they were both products of their upbringing. My dad had a domineering father and a mother who was reactive and angry. He grew up in poverty, which must’ve exacerbated that. I loved my grandparents, but I can recognise they were flawed whilst also forgiving then. They were poor and barely teens when they had my dad. They fucked up and they knew it, and spent the rest of their life compensating for destroying their son.

my mum had a domineering mother, who could be a bully and who was overprotective. She never developed the chance to be her own person. My grandparents thought they were protecting her but in reality they destroyed all sense of self and confidence.

both my parents were so overcome with their own pain as kids that it’s like that ability to see other peoples pain just broke. It would’ve been taking on too much for them. They had to survive as kids and those survival mechanisms turned them into monsters, and it was never really their fault.

It meant they lost that ability to tell right from wrong. My parents knew, deep down their behaviour towards me was wrong. But their narcissicism couldn’t handle any criticism, especially if it came from within. So they created a cognitive dissonance to handle it. They refused to empathise because that made their survival behaviours easier.

the result is that they’ve become empty, lonely and unhappy people, who are like black holes and energy vampires. They have been for most of their lives. And it may very well have been the case for generations of both sides of my family.

my sister is the same now. Very narcissistic. A total bully. Violent. She can’t and won’t see when she’s wrong. I honestly don’t think there is any hope for her.

whenever I find myself falling into a bit of a pit of despair and grief (which tbh, happens more regularly than I like to admit), I try and feel thankful. Thank GOD I can empathise, because empathy is the route to love and connection. Thank GOD I can say sorry, because saying sorry to other people helps my relationships and allows me to forgive myself when I make a mistake. I’m so glad I have the ability to self reflect, to challenge my thinking. Because that helped me reach out for therapy, but mostly it’s been a huge driver in building my emotional intelligence.

I don’t have children yet, but I plan on stopping the cycle of generational trauma, and it sounds like others on this thread have already done that. That in itself is a huge, unrecognised achievement. You’ll never get a medal for it, your kids likely won’t understand what a huge leap you made for them - but you all should be really proud.

gratitude is the antidote for so many of the narcissistic traits our parents have, and is so freeing mentally, and tears are what stop pain turning into self loathing.

So basically, cry your heart out when you need to and THANK GOD you are not like them

I couldn't love this more.

 

[screamqueen]

No worries at all, Hope you're doing OK.

Can imagine it's hard not to feel guilty when you usually organise things, plus having a toxic parent can make you anxious for not doing what is 'expected' of you. If your siblings are grown ups then you aren't to blame if they don't do anything, you're not responsible for them. Go easy on yourself x

The anxiety around what’s ‘expected’ is so right. Shouldn’t let that hang over, it’s hard but determined not to let it get to me.

Thankyou again for your kindness and your wise words. Always helps to not feel so alone in our feelings xx

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

I think distancing yourself is the right thing to do. You sound drained by it all. Best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your own family, for your own mental health if nothing else. Sending hugs

 

[testingonetwothreefoiur]

Because you’re winning in life. Narcs hate that. They can’t control you. They’re jealous and bitter. My mother is like a magnet to anyone she see’s as ‘lower’ than her. She’s like Mother Teresa. ‘Aren’t you lucky to have a Mum like her’ I’ve been told, and she’s stood there smirking, giving me side-eye.

Oh the Mother Teresa thing. Yes. I think of my childhood as such a dark and confusing time, with the world telling me how "lovely" and "selfless" my mother was, as she played a martyr to any cause, the big one being my mentally deteriorating older sibling, while she actively judged me and shamed me for breathing if I dared to seek support from her. I could do nothing right, nothing was enough. The goalposts for "enough" kept changing. And I did it all - A+ student at school, brilliant at sports, excelled at music, loved by teachers and parents everywhere. Except my mother. It was never enough.

I also got landed regularly with the mind-blowing fcukery of being called "just like your father" - who she is married to 40+ years- if I did anything she disapproved of.
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It’s been a good few years, I’d be better if I could have stopped her seeing some of my children but I’ve done what I can. I have been able to keep my younger ones away which is a blessing as she’s negatively affected relationships in the family - as you’d expect!
I don’t think you need to have a conversation, do you? I’d wait until it’s brought up and just say no.

Last I heard I would be co-executor in the will with my favored sibling. And other sibling will come with guardianship issues / ward of state situation since he is so incapacitated. Not talking about it runs the risk of being landed into it giant shitshqw if / when they pass. Although thank you for your perspective, this thread and other people's account of how they handled the bs of parents like this has been very enlightening. You can feel incredibly alienated from the world when you have an anti- mother like this, that's for sure.