If he has another go then I will bring this up. Put simply, it’s not his battle to get involved in. I think it’s given them both a shock as normally I roll over and just take it. This is the first time I’ve stood my ground. It feels like she’s got to him because she’s not getting a response from me. I can’t do NC as I can’t afford to move out. It’s just so infuriating doing all this when just two little words would solve it. At this point, I don’t even care if she means it, I just want an acknowledgment that she knows she behaved poorly towards me for no reason. Seems that’s too much to ask.
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They're all the same these parents of ours. Treat us like tit and then wonder why we want nothing to do with them! They just have zero self awareness and no emotional intelligence.
Ive been waiting years for an apology, I know I'll never get one but it would mean a lot to me.
So do you live with your mum?
Yup which is making all this grey rocking especially difficult to say the least. I’m getting bollocked for staying in my room out of her way which is apparently “carrying it on” and causing an atmosphere. I’m not carrying it on, I literally just can’t be fucked with any of this anymore.Feel like saying- Stay out of my way, I’ll stay out of yours. It’s that simple.
Oh I can imagine. I lived at home in my twenties it was so depressing and oppressive.
If you can make a plan to get out it might help give you some hope. Or get out and see friends where possible xx
Unfortunately I’m pretty isolated due to the depression and anxiety. Don’t really have any friends. Just continuing on with staying out of the way seems to be the best plan forward. Thank you everyone for your support- it helps knowing I’m not over reacting to this and I’m ok to feel this way. It’s much appreciated
I’m so hurt today. I honestly cannot believe this.
I already posted on here about the headache my mother has put us through over my dad’s probate. She has 5K tied and has been creating drama since last year over this (refusing to sign mandatory paperwork, asking to change notaries, asking to pay no fees etc).
In an attempt to close this nonsense, I voluntarily suggested that I would pay the 1K notary fee (despite the fact I’ve already spent 1K in travel and previous fees related to this matter). I need to emphasize I’m not getting a penny from this probate. It’s all a write-off for me.
She said she’d think about it (which I knew would lead to her accepting). She came back yesterday saying ‘I am happy with you paying the notary fees as I have the property tax coming up and I still need to refund your brother for the expenses he incurred for your dad’s funeral’.
The 1K was meant to be deducted from the 5K currently tied in probate.
I saw this and my heart sank. My brother is 28 lives under her roof and has no responsibilities! He paid 1K for my dad’s funeral out of pocket, no debt created. Why on God’s green earth does he need to be refunded? It’s what people do when someone die
I cannot believe she’s taking advantage of a very generous offer to benefit my brother.
My brother may have payed 1K for the funeral, but hasn’t done anything since. I’ve incurred at least 4K in travel, administrative and various expenses to help them out since my dad died. Has she ever suggested to reimburse me? Never!!!
I have my own bills and responsibilities to take care of and she couldn’t even acknowledge that. Granted, I made the offer, but it wasn’t for this purpose. I’m speechless this is her response.
I’m speechless a parent would even say something like this. When I had groceries delivered to their house last year, she said ‘it alleviated a burden from my brother as he doesn’t have go to the shop’.
Last year, she claimed she couldn’t pay 80 quid of taxes, so I paid it only for me to find out she had the means to the extent where she even gave my brother a monthly allowance.
Everything I did to help this, she saw as an opportunity for one of my siblings. I was estranged from her for 6 years for a reason and now I’m damning the day I re-allowed her into my life.
I already posted on here about the headache my mother has put us through over my dad’s probate. She has 5K tied and has been creating drama since last year over this (refusing to sign mandatory paperwork, asking to change notaries, asking to pay no fees etc).
In an attempt to close this nonsense, I voluntarily suggested that I would pay the 1K notary fee (despite the fact I’ve already spent 1K in travel and previous fees related to this matter). I need to emphasize I’m not getting a penny from this probate. It’s all a write-off for me.
She said she’d think about it (which I knew would lead to her accepting). She came back yesterday saying ‘I am happy with you paying the notary fees as I have the property tax coming up and I still need to refund your brother for the expenses he incurred for your dad’s funeral’.
The 1K was meant to be deducted from the 5K currently tied in probate.
I saw this and my heart sank. My brother is 28 lives under her roof and has no responsibilities! He paid 1K for my dad’s funeral out of pocket, no debt created. Why on God’s green earth does he need to be refunded? It’s what people do when someone die
I cannot believe she’s taking advantage of a very generous offer to benefit my brother.
My brother may have payed 1K for the funeral, but hasn’t done anything since. I’ve incurred at least 4K in travel, administrative and various expenses to help them out since my dad died. Has she ever suggested to reimburse me? Never!!!
I have my own bills and responsibilities to take care of and she couldn’t even acknowledge that. Granted, I made the offer, but it wasn’t for this purpose. I’m speechless this is her response.
I’m speechless a parent would even say something like this. When I had groceries delivered to their house last year, she said ‘it alleviated a burden from my brother as he doesn’t have go to the shop’.
Last year, she claimed she couldn’t pay 80 quid of taxes, so I paid it only for me to find out she had the means to the extent where she even gave my brother a monthly allowance.
Everything I did to help this, she saw as an opportunity for one of my siblings. I was estranged from her for 6 years for a reason and now I’m damning the day I re-allowed her into my life.
Honestly, I’d just leave her to sort all this out herself. She’s prioritising your brother over you who is bending over backwards for her. Don’t pay the 1k, draw a line in the sand and say I won’t be involved in this anymore. Frankly, what are you getting out of dealing with all of this? Nothing. She’s a grown woman- she wants the £5k then she needs to sort it herself. She wants to pay your brother back for funeral costs then she can. It’s nothing to do with you anymore.
Look after yourself x
Thank you. You’re right.
I honestly don’t care that she pays my brother back but essentially telling me she’s leveraging off my generous help to benefit my brother is quite hurtful.
I’m getting zero from any of this. Only aggravation. I don’t even know why I even made this offer. I should have stayed in my lane. I saw what I needed to see now, that’s for sure.
She’s taken advantage of you wanting to help her in order to prioritise your brother is unfortunately how I see it. If that’s what she wants to do, then he can step up and help her instead now can’t he? By all accounts you have tried your best in this situation- what’s the saying? You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink?
I would feel incredibly hurt if were in your position but in the long run this has just shown you were her priorities lie so just look after yourself now
Tell her you would love to help with the fees but you have just received a tax bill for £2k and sadly will have to withdraw your offer.
I think you have done enough, and the more you help the more you will be expected to pay
Of course you have right to be hurt- but also consider thinking of this situation as a blessing in disguise as your mum has shown you again she has not changed. You have tried your best to be the bigger person yet again because being raised by a narc you are empathic, kind and forgiving person. Be kind to yourself and don’t allow to be walked over by your mum.
Keep doing what you are doing, preserving your sanity. The grey rock approach is a good way to be (I use it with my mother). Your brother is being used by your mother as a mouthpiece. You are only answerable to yourself. Keep going, lots of people on this thread will have had the same experiences.
I can only echo all the advice. You are obviously a kind and empathetic person who hopes that preppie can change. Your mother unfortunately doesn't seem capable of this. She is a grown up and so is your brother. They can sort this out going forward. You owe nothing other than to yourself.
You have every right to be hurt.
Do not pay the £1k. It will not be appreciated and I would be surprised if you got a thank you. You have already invested so much time and money into this, plus it’s affecting you mentally. Your brother is 28 and lives with your mum, he should be dealing with all of this.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. The process is in its final stages and your brother/mum can takeover and finish it off.
My mum behaves like this. My two brothers are in their 30’s and live with her yet its me who is expected to deal with everything despite living far away, working full time and having a toddler. The straw that broke the camel's back was being told to sort some legal documents for her days after a difficult birth which was made worse by her horrendous behaviour.
Take care of yourself
Latest update- she’s tried to get me into conversation this morning like nothing has happened after three weeks of not talking. I’ve just continued to grey rock her.
Is this because getting my brother to have a go on her behalf didn’t work?
Now I’m like “you are not going to get this apology so this is the best you are going to get from her, just back down” but then I’m still pissed that she’s not acknowledging her behaviour.
My mum does this.
She’ll reappear and message/speak as if NOTHING has happened.
It must be their way of avoiding an apology? Maybe to turn things on you so it looks like you’re the one being difficult/ holding a grudge?
It completely dismisses your feelings.
I need to have a read about this grey rocking method as its been mentioned a few times.
Sorry I have no advice to offer but wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
Right I would like to post as a parent having just fallen out with our daughter.
History hubby was an alcoholic ( 16 years dry now ) and both my kids did not have a great upbringing ( I tried as hard as I could but should have ended the marriage and walked away )
Our son got a scholarship and went to a private school which did cost us quite a bit. We never considered it for our daughter ( a decision I deeply regret ) and it was the start of things going down hill with our finances and our ability to treat our children fairly
Daughter has dyslexia ( late diagnosis ) and recently diagnosed with adhd. She has built a cleaning company of which we are very proud and lives in a beautiful large home with her husband and 7 year old daughter. We have always helped with the grandaughter as our son lives 4 hours away with his wife and 2 children and we only occasionally are called there for babysitting duties.
Hubby is always boasting about sons education even though he knows it upsets her and that’s what led to todays row. He walks their dogs every day and she’s told us to stay away for now. She’s in therapy and I realise her therapist has been trying to help with her problems. I know my hubby is a narcissist and am not sure about me.
I’ve always worked hard and over the last 10 years managed to pay off all our debts and mortgage. My health is not great and I’m waiting a shoulder replacement and have severe anxiety since the menopause and can’t seem to get help.
I have been trying recently to leave my daughter and her family in peace but hubby insists on going there twice a day to walk the dogs and see out grandaughter. Daughter is now talking about moving away as I know she doesn’t want to be responsible for us in our old age ( as I was for my parents for 10 years and it took a toll on me mentally and physically)
Maybe distance from us is what is needed as I told her I love her and want the best for her
Also I do her payroll and tax for her business but that can all be done over the phone
Am I a narcissist ? I know I didn’t treat her as well as I should have in the past
History hubby was an alcoholic ( 16 years dry now ) and both my kids did not have a great upbringing ( I tried as hard as I could but should have ended the marriage and walked away )
Our son got a scholarship and went to a private school which did cost us quite a bit. We never considered it for our daughter ( a decision I deeply regret ) and it was the start of things going down hill with our finances and our ability to treat our children fairly
Daughter has dyslexia ( late diagnosis ) and recently diagnosed with adhd. She has built a cleaning company of which we are very proud and lives in a beautiful large home with her husband and 7 year old daughter. We have always helped with the grandaughter as our son lives 4 hours away with his wife and 2 children and we only occasionally are called there for babysitting duties.
Hubby is always boasting about sons education even though he knows it upsets her and that’s what led to todays row. He walks their dogs every day and she’s told us to stay away for now. She’s in therapy and I realise her therapist has been trying to help with her problems. I know my hubby is a narcissist and am not sure about me.
I’ve always worked hard and over the last 10 years managed to pay off all our debts and mortgage. My health is not great and I’m waiting a shoulder replacement and have severe anxiety since the menopause and can’t seem to get help.
I have been trying recently to leave my daughter and her family in peace but hubby insists on going there twice a day to walk the dogs and see out grandaughter. Daughter is now talking about moving away as I know she doesn’t want to be responsible for us in our old age ( as I was for my parents for 10 years and it took a toll on me mentally and physically)
Maybe distance from us is what is needed as I told her I love her and want the best for her
Also I do her payroll and tax for her business but that can all be done over the phone
Am I a narcissist ? I know I didn’t treat her as well as I should have in the past
It just blows my mind how one little word can be so difficult? Just apologise. I apologise for everything it’s ridiculous. Even if I haven’t done anything I end up apologising!!My mum does this.
She’ll reappear and message/speak as if NOTHING has happened.
It must be their way of avoiding an apology? Maybe to turn things on you so it looks like you’re the one being difficult/ holding a grudge?
It completely dismisses your feelings.
I need to have a read about this grey rocking method as its been mentioned a few times.
Sorry I have no advice to offer but wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
I’ve really struggled with grey rocking as my default is literally just to accept when people treat me poorly and carry on to keep the peace. So then they do it again and again and the result? well here I am with depression and anxiety
I joke but seriously.Before I read about grey rocking, I was going to just give her the silent treatment but I’m glad I didn’t as that would be turned into me holding a grudge. Am struggling with it though.
Bless you- your distress comes across strongly. For all it’s worth you do not sound remotely like a person who is a narc. The fact you are able to weigh up how you could have possibly disadvantaged or mistreated your daughter, even without meaning to, is something a narc is simply unable to do. Even questioning you could possible be a narc is a sign your are most likely not one. Sending hugs and hope your family situation improves.
Thank you we are off Friday for 3 days to babysit our other 2 grandchildren so will keep our distance. Hubby is completely oblivious that he caused most of this and I’m caught in the crossfire. Our son is completely fucked up too he’s so tightly wound and often let’s drink rule him like our daughter does. I don’t drink at all. Although I’m retired I still do the odd job for my sister catering company as it means being away for a few days and then I’m just me and not at peoples beck and call