Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Chandler Bing]

Ignored narc parent's call again yesterday. Not spoken since January. One of the last straws for me that made me finally strong enough for no contact was that I was verbally abused for not having kids and I was "killing the bloodline and family name".

I also hadn't spoken to my golden child sibling since May, was just general chit chat over email at the time (we only communicate via email, very occasionally).

Today he emails me with a photo of newborn twin boys, to let me know he is a dad now. There was absolutely no word about pregnancy or even a partner in his life in May.

My brain is f****d right now. Like what the hell for real? Don't know whether to laugh or cry. One thing is for damn sure is that I'll never get an apology from narc parent.

 

[HitnMiss]

No they don't ever apologise. That was very cruel of them to have a go at you for being childless. Sorry this is happening to you.
---

Had the “pleasure” of a visit from parents this morning. Invited themselves last night. Hadn’t seen in a few weeks. Ignored by father for 20 mins after argument last time ( 3 weeks ago). Wasn’t expecting an apology ( who ever does from parents like this!)
So tense even though they were here an hour my head is spinning from him more than her.
before leaving he wanted to know if my husband had certain tool he could use ! Brass neck goes hand in hand with narcissist I think ?
I don’t live near them anymore but do live in same area as my in laws ( wonderful) people. He has developed a strong hatred towards them for no reason. It’s uncomfortable to listen to him make remarks about them just because they are better off financially ( not rich just more comfortable) and just be stand offish with them. Thankfully they know he is what he is.
I started to write out a list of what he makes me feel and instead of helping me I’m in a worse mood than before !
Just needed to get that off my chest.
Sorry this is my first time posting re my own experience is it ok to just post like this ? Apologies if not.

Feel free to post here and vent. I'm glad you have nice in-laws but I'm sorry you're going through this with your parents.

 

[TreeTrunksApplePie]

No they don't ever apologise. That was very cruel of them to have a go at you for being childless. Sorry this is happening to you.

Spoiler: Narc mum behaviours

Once when I confronted my mother about some really unforgivable narcissistic behaviour (sending horrible messages, usually under the influence, to me and my partner when my little boy was in hospital, just generally making everything about her and being incredibly unsupportive and self centred when I needed my mum. Posting pictures of my little boy in his incubator on SM without our permission or knowledge even though we had said we wouldn’t share his picture even if he was well) when really pushed she said “I’m sorry it ever happened!” Not that she was just sorry or sorry for her behaviour or anything like that. She was sorry it ‘happened’ like she played no part in it whatsoever it all just happened of course. She can never actually be at fault even when she has done something wrong. She is right all the time and the world is wrong

When I pointed this out to her I got tears and lots of “I’ve said sorry! What more do you want from me! I can’t do anything right!” Etc.
If you’re really sorry does it even matter how many times you say sorry? Is anyone else’s mum like this?
---

Ignored narc parent's call again yesterday. Not spoken since January. One of the last straws for me that made me finally strong enough for no contact was that I was verbally abused for not having kids and I was "killing the bloodline and family name".

I also hadn't spoken to my golden child sibling since May, was just general chit chat over email at the time (we only communicate via email, very occasionally).

Today he emails me with a photo of newborn twin boys, to let me know he is a dad now. There was absolutely no word about pregnancy or even a partner in his life in May.

My brain is f****d right now. Like what the hell for real? Don't know whether to laugh or cry. One thing is for damn sure is that I'll never get an apology from narc parent.

My mum used to be like this. It bleeping sucks. I was struggling with infertility at the time as well but of course they don’t think about that possibility, or just don’t care. I had to quietly limit contact

 

[Ablemabel]

No, I don't think narcs ever can apologise.or certainly not apologise and mean it. I think that's kind of findamental to the narcissism. The narcissism prevents any acknowledgement of reaponsibility.

My mother preferred to have nothing whatsoever to do with her children and beautiful grandchildren, miss them growing up and spend that time slagging myself and my brother off, maintaining we were terrible people, etc. rather than acknowledge any responsibility on her part for the situation. And then she died and that was that.

It's really important to accept that none of us are to blame for this (obv not in a narc way) and that how we feel and respond to situations is not at all how a narc feels and responds. So whereas if we upset someone we would acknowledge our part and try and make amends, they just don't work like this. We tie ourselves up in knots asking ourselves why they don't just love us like the whole world tells us they should
, what's wrong with us, etc. etc. and it's terribly painful, but it's not our fault. Half the battle is recognising this.

much love.

 

[call.me.coco]

My mum has never apologised to me for anything. If I explain to her why i’m upset etc she turns it back to herself. How she is blamed for everything. How she is a bad mum. How she hates her life, the list goes on. When I limit contact as a result she reappears after a while as if nothing has happened.

She has made really cutting remarks about me not having children in the past. When we had a baby and I had to be kept in for a few days she was a complete nightmare. Calling me whilst at the hospital and blaming me for the difficult birth I had. I was constantly thinking of her when my focus should have been on my sick baby and my recovery. It was a time I really needed the support of a ‘mum’ and just didn’t get it.

I’m sorry so many of us have similar experiences.

 

[Ablemabel]

My mum has never apologised to me for anything. If I explain to her why i’m upset etc she turns it back to herself. How she is blamed for everything. How she is a bad mum. How she hates her life, the list goes on. When I limit contact as a result she reappears after a while as if nothing has happened.

She has made really cutting remarks about me not having children in the past. When we had a baby and I had to be kept in for a few days she was a complete nightmare. Calling me whilst at the hospital and blaming me for the difficult birth I had. I was constantly thinking of her when my focus should have been on my sick baby and my recovery. It was a time I really needed the support of a ‘mum’ and just didn’t get it.

I’m sorry so many of us have similar experiences.

When my first son was born my mother arranged for a decorator to come and decorate her flat and stay in OUR house before I was even discharged. She didn't ask if this was okay and when I said no it was not okay as I wanted fo be at home with my newborn and husband, she kicked off, refused to speak to me or see my newborn son, etc. defaulting to awful comments about how vile I was, what a terrible and selfish mother I would be, etc. I stupidly relented and had someone I barely knew staying in our house for a week whilst midwives came and went, etc. AWFUL. Who does that?

Bottom line is they don't give one flying duck about anyones feelings other than their own.

 

[Good Egg]

It’s so sad and yet comforting reading these posts. I’m sorry to anybody living with a narcissist, I truly am.
As an adult I feel like I’ve wasted my good years of my life trying to appease the narc. Treading on eggshells, putting their needs before my own so not to wind the narcissist up. I’ve been single for nearly twenty years after a serious relationship ended. NM forbids friendship and attention from men or ‘messing about’ so any private life is strictly private and to be honest, I’ve put on so much weight I no longer feel confident or attractive so I guess that’s me for now.

It’s true you do grow up hyper vigilant. I find myself at work apologising a lot. I find myself looking for cues and signals when things are not going good, signs things could get bad and find ways of making sure it doesn’t happen. It’s exhausting. I’m not sure about anybody else but does anybody else startle a lot too? I work in a Male dominated environment and it isn’t uncommon for them to walk in a shout and be loud at first I used to jump out of my skin. It used to trigger me so much I would tremble, but I guess as the years have gone on, I’ve become accustomed and feel safe in their company so it no longer triggers.

The lady who posted about her husband, yes I feel I fell into that trap with narc mum. I was fed up with the comments and confrontational behaviour I just stopped. A classic is when I wore make up she said I was “selling myself”. I wasn’t but it became such as issue each time I wore something I just eventually stopped because I didn’t want confrontation. Thing is it didn’t stop, it just changed. If it wasn’t make up it was the clothes I was wearing or my hair or my attitude. The list continues...
I’ve really let myself go over the last ten years to the point I look horrendously obese and ugly.
Don’t lose your identity because of husband. You should be allowed to watch what you want when you want.

I know I need to go no contact but I almost feel I won’t be able to cope on my own. I know this sounds ridiculous. I do keep low contact and I hardly share anything about my life. Small boundaries.

I just need to find myself again.
I’m sorry to each and every one of you. Nobody outside really gets it. But these posts on here. It’s like a narcissist text book and freakishly weird how similar they act.
Take care and be strong

 

[Ablemabel]

It’s so sad and yet comforting reading these posts. I’m sorry to anybody living with a narcissist, I truly am.
As an adult I feel like I’ve wasted my good years of my life trying to appease the narc. Treading on eggshells, putting their needs before my own so not to wind the narcissist up. I’ve been single for nearly twenty years after a serious relationship ended. NM forbids friendship and attention from men or ‘messing about’ so any private life is strictly private and to be honest, I’ve put on so much weight I no longer feel confident or attractive so I guess that’s me for now.

It’s true you do grow up hyper vigilant. I find myself at work apologising a lot. I find myself looking for cues and signals when things are not going good, signs things could get bad and find ways of making sure it doesn’t happen. It’s exhausting. I’m not sure about anybody else but does anybody else startle a lot too? I work in a Male dominated environment and it isn’t uncommon for them to walk in a shout and be loud at first I used to jump out of my skin. It used to trigger me so much I would tremble, but I guess as the years have gone on, I’ve become accustomed and feel safe in their company so it no longer triggers.

The lady who posted about her husband, yes I feel I fell into that trap with narc mum. I was fed up with the comments and confrontational behaviour I just stopped. A classic is when I wore make up she said I was “selling myself”. I wasn’t but it became such as issue each time I wore something I just eventually stopped because I didn’t want confrontation. Thing is it didn’t stop, it just changed. If it wasn’t make up it was the clothes I was wearing or my hair or my attitude. The list continues...
I’ve really let myself go over the last ten years to the point I look horrendously obese and ugly.
Don’t lose your identity because of husband. You should be allowed to watch what you want when you want.

I know I need to go no contact but I almost feel I won’t be able to cope on my own. I know this sounds ridiculous. I do keep low contact and I hardly share anything about my life. Small boundaries.

I just need to find myself again.
I’m sorry to each and every one of you. Nobody outside really gets it. But these posts on here. It’s like a narcissist text book and freakishly weird how similar they act.
Take care and be strong

BIB
It is exhausting and it should never have happened to us. Please put yourself first x

 

[TreeTrunksApplePie]

My mum has never apologised to me for anything. If I explain to her why i’m upset etc she turns it back to herself. How she is blamed for everything. How she is a bad mum. How she hates her life, the list goes on. When I limit contact as a result she reappears after a while as if nothing has happened.

She has made really cutting remarks about me not having children in the past. When we had a baby and I had to be kept in for a few days she was a complete nightmare. Calling me whilst at the hospital and blaming me for the difficult birth I had. I was constantly thinking of her when my focus should have been on my sick baby and my recovery. It was a time I really needed the support of a ‘mum’ and just didn’t get it.

I’m sorry so many of us have similar experiences.

Our mum’s sound like the same person. I’m sorry you had to deal with this.

When our baby was still in the neonatal unit I occasionally met other babies grandparents and there were so many that were just loving and supportive and I’m a bit heartbroken still that this isn’t the parent I have.

Spoiler: Birth trauma

when I was still pregnant I was seeing my mum, doing my usual of trying to have a normal mother/daughter relationship with her. I mentioned I needed to make a birth plan and she started saying how you can’t plan a birth, I know and I wasn’t an idealist but I still was going to make one.

Not long after that I’m in hospital recovering from a traumatic emergency c section under general anaesthetic at 27 weeks pregnant. I’m grieving my birth, my pregnancy and I’m terrified for my son. He had a difficult birth and it took 20mins to resuscitate him. He’s less than 2lbs, fighting for life and we’ve been told we will need to endure 3 months of this, if he can pull through the next few days and weeks. I’m on a postnatal ward surrounded by happy, normal parents holding their babies. I’m alone and crying constantly pumping for milk. Devastated.

My mum rocks up and the first thing she says, not even trying to hide her smugness: “see I told you you wouldn’t be able to have what you wanted”

for context she had all straight forward, term pregnancies and births. No NICU babies, nothing.

She then preceded to create a new drama every week or so, saying she just wanted to tell us her “feelings”. Her feelings were always that she was upset or offended and something. Me and my partner did not have the mental energy for this. She never once asks me how I feel or how I am coping. Honestly she has always been a self absorbed POS but her behaviour when I needed her the most has sealed the deal for me. She was deluded. But I still just really wish I had a mum I could speak to properly and rely on. My mother in law is lovely and I’m envious of that. Now I am a parent (my little boy spent a long and tumultuous time in hospital but is now home and doing really well ) I spend so much time thinking how I can be a better one than my mum

 

[cee-bee]

Our mum’s sound like the same person. I’m sorry you had to deal with this.

When our baby was still in the neonatal unit I occasionally met other babies grandparents and there were so many that were just loving and supportive and I’m a bit heartbroken still that this isn’t the parent I have.

Spoiler: Birth trauma

when I was still pregnant I was seeing my mum, doing my usual of trying to have a normal mother/daughter relationship with her. I mentioned I needed to make a birth plan and she started saying how you can’t plan a birth, I know and I wasn’t an idealist but I still was going to make one.

Not long after that I’m in hospital recovering from a traumatic emergency c section under general anaesthetic at 27 weeks pregnant. I’m grieving my birth, my pregnancy and I’m terrified for my son. He had a difficult birth and it took 20mins to resuscitate him. He’s less than 2lbs, fighting for life and we’ve been told we will need to endure 3 months of this, if he can pull through the next few days and weeks. I’m on a postnatal ward surrounded by happy, normal parents holding their babies. I’m alone and crying constantly pumping for milk. Devastated.

My mum rocks up and the first thing she says, not even trying to hide her smugness: “see I told you you wouldn’t be able to have what you wanted”

for context she had all straight forward, term pregnancies and births. No NICU babies, nothing.

She then preceded to create a new drama every week or so, saying she just wanted to tell us her “feelings”. Her feelings were always that she was upset or offended and something. Me and my partner did not have the mental energy for this. She never once asks me how I feel or how I am coping. Honestly she has always been a self absorbed POS but her behaviour when I needed her the most has sealed the deal for me. She was deluded. But I still just really wish I had a mum I could speak to properly and rely on. My mother in law is lovely and I’m envious of that. Now I am a parent (my little boy spent a long and tumultuous time in hospital but is now home and doing really well ) I spend so much time thinking how I can be a better one than my mum

jeez that’s awful. I really hope the best for your son and your own recovery.

you need to remove that woman from your life. You were at the one of the lowest points in your life and she came to drag you down further and delight in it. She’ll never be the mother you deserve. Your son doesn’t deserve to grow up seeing his mother being treated that way.

even though I know and have experienced it first hand, reading it here and hearing about it… it just never shocks me. How narcissistic people are able to create that cognitive dissonance and truly shut off their empathy. I can’t stop but absolutely marvel at how awful they can be while being totally and utterly convinced they are a saint. It’s utterly baffling.

i severely limit my contact with my parents. My narc mother called about my upcoming wedding. She desperately wants me to include my (also very damaged and very narcissist) sister. I don’t really know why. To ease her own guilt? To portray the perfect family to everyone? I’m not sure.

but my sister was cruel and violent to me from a very young age. She has driven me to depressive episodes. She’s lucky to even get an invite in all honesty. And even though I barely speak to my mother, every single time it hurts. Because even by subtlety suggesting I invite my sister to X event or let her do Y… it’s like my mother is purposefully ignoring all the bullying I endured at the hands of my sister. And she ignored it (and continues to) for her own peace of mind. She has truly never, ever prioritised me one iota.

these people are poison. Even the slightest bit of contact has the potential to hurt.

I didn’t speak to my dad for two years and he found a way to hurt me (by treating my sibling to a huge gift of money at a time I was struggling). He relished in my finding out.

all we can do is position ourselves to be in the best mental place possible, through distance from them and by surrounding ourselves with good people.

you mention your MIL being a totally different kettle of fish. Mine is the same. It was part of a wake up call for me, to see the disparity between how our mothers treated us. My partner has such a good relationship with his mum and she’s loving and supportive of him. I’ll never have the close, mother-daughter bond with her. But she’s the closest I’ll have to a mother now, so I work on prioritising that relationship.

 

[TreeTrunksApplePie]

jeez that’s awful. I really hope the best for your son and your own recovery.

you need to remove that woman from your life. You were at the one of the lowest points in your life and she came to drag you down further and delight in it. She’ll never be the mother you deserve. Your son doesn’t deserve to grow up seeing his mother being treated that way.

even though I know and have experienced it first hand, reading it here and hearing about it… it just never shocks me. How narcissistic people are able to create that cognitive dissonance and truly shut off their empathy. I can’t stop but absolutely marvel at how awful they can be while being totally and utterly convinced they are a saint. It’s utterly baffling.

i severely limit my contact with my parents. My narc mother called about my upcoming wedding. She desperately wants me to include my (also very damaged and very narcissist) sister. I don’t really know why. To ease her own guilt? To portray the perfect family to everyone? I’m not sure.

but my sister was cruel and violent to me from a very young age. She has driven me to depressive episodes. She’s lucky to even get an invite in all honesty. And even though I barely speak to my mother, every single time it hurts. Because even by subtlety suggesting I invite my sister to X event or let her do Y… it’s like my mother is purposefully ignoring all the bullying I endured at the hands of my sister. And she ignored it (and continues to) for her own peace of mind. She has truly never, ever prioritised me one iota.

these people are poison. Even the slightest bit of contact has the potential to hurt.

I didn’t speak to my dad for two years and he found a way to hurt me (by treating my sibling to a huge gift of money at a time I was struggling). He relished in my finding out.

all we can do is position ourselves to be in the best mental place possible, through distance from them and by surrounding ourselves with good people.

you mention your MIL being a totally different kettle of fish. Mine is the same. It was part of a wake up call for me, to see the disparity between how our mothers treated us. My partner has such a good relationship with his mum and she’s loving and supportive of him. I’ll never have the close, mother-daughter bond with her. But she’s the closest I’ll have to a mother now, so I work on prioritising that relationship.

Thank you. I do think you’re spot on with the mother in law thing and I’m definitely trying to focus more energy there. I don’t talk in detail to people other than my partner about my mum’s behaviour at that time. It was only last year and, not sure if others get this too but, I get embarrassed to say I have issues with my mum. Like it will look like the problem must be with me. I have only hinted on occasion that she found things difficult and was a bit stressy, I don’t get to the heart of it. I think some people did see her posting pictures of the LO in the incubator sympathy baiting at our expense. It feels really validating to be able to talk about it to people who understand.

i started therapy for the birth trauma/NICU PTSD but i’m sure it will soon be bitching sessions about my mum…

I really feel for you re: your sister and your mothers inaction. I didn’t have this relationship within my sibling group, we seem to mostly people please my mum and are fairly nice to each other. But I’ve seen the dynamic you describe with friends and I just think it’s awful and so difficult.

 

[cee-bee]

Thank you. I do think you’re spot on with the mother in law thing and I’m definitely trying to focus more energy there. I don’t talk in detail to people other than my partner about my mum’s behaviour at that time. It was only last year and, not sure if others get this too but, I get embarrassed to say I have issues with my mum. Like it will look like the problem must be with me. I have only hinted on occasion that she found things difficult and was a bit stressy, I don’t get to the heart of it. I think some people did see her posting pictures of the LO in the incubator sympathy baiting at our expense. It feels really validating to be able to talk about it to people who understand.

i started therapy for the birth trauma/NICU PTSD but i’m sure it will soon be bitching sessions about my mum…

I really feel for you re: your sister and your mothers inaction. I didn’t have this relationship within my sibling group, we seem to mostly people please my mum and are fairly nice to each other. But I’ve seen the dynamic you describe with friends and I just think it’s awful and so difficult.

I totslly get that. There’s so much taboo around family relationships. Especially ones with mothers. Motherhood is fetishised a lot in patriarchal cultures. And it makes it hard for society to accept that… a hell of a lot of women aren’t cut out for motherhood and don’t fit neatly into that perfect image of the caring, loving mother.

I put off my other half meeting my parents for a long time and was met with a lot of unpleasant comments (often from people with very obvious family dysfunction themselves). It’s just something I’ve had to develop a thick skin over.

being open about it, I find, is a huge relief though. You don’t have to go into detail, but now when I’m met with judgemental comments I simply say “unfortunately I have a difficult relationship with my mother” or “unfortunately I just don’t have a good relationship with my mum”. If anyone judges someone for not getting on with their mum then… they are likely too small minded to be someone worth spending time with anyway.

the closer I am to someone, the more I feel able to confide. The more detail I go into. And when you open up to people… they open up to you. And you’ll realise that many families are fractured and broken, and a lot of people have sad experiences of being let down to varying degrees. It’s not a case of misery loving company, more a case of bonding over a difficult experience.

and honestly, if she deserves a witch fest then there’s nothing wrong with having one. Getting angry is a natural emotion and can be helpful when it motivates us to advocate for ourselves. A little bit of indignant anger can be a powerful thing.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Hello everyone a few 'thinking out loud' thoughts here

I posted recently about my husband.... I've realised this week that I constantly monitor him to check that he is OK with me. I've watched what i want on TV this week and been fine (albeit a bit nervous) until... I had the news on, and he started ranting at the topic and i became nervous and switched it off. My dad was a big ranter he would rant all time and it always stressed me out as a child because if anyone disagreed he would verbally slaughter them.

In fact the catalyst for me going no contact was when he had a massive rant about women wanting equal rights and I reacted massively.

Also the other day my friend took ages to reply to my message which is unlike her. Instead of thinking 'oh she's probably just busy' I instantly wondered what I'd done wrong and couldn't relax until she had replied and I knew she was ok with me. Once she had replied I felt so happy.

There is no real point to this except I do believe these feelings are down to attachment issues from childhood.

I have been non contact with my dad for 2 years now. The past few days I've been feeling guilty and wondering if I've made a mistake and whether I have been dramatic in going no contact. Then I remind myself about how peaceful life is now.
---

My mum has never apologised to me for anything. If I explain to her why i’m upset etc she turns it back to herself. How she is blamed for everything. How she is a bad mum. How she hates her life, the list goes on. When I limit contact as a result she reappears after a while as if nothing has happened.

She has made really cutting remarks about me not having children in the past. When we had a baby and I had to be kept in for a few days she was a complete nightmare. Calling me whilst at the hospital and blaming me for the difficult birth I had. I was constantly thinking of her when my focus should have been on my sick baby and my recovery. It was a time I really needed the support of a ‘mum’ and just didn’t get it.

I’m sorry so many of us have similar experiences.

No they don't apologise. Unless it's a sarcastic 'sorry for breathing'or something'
---

My mum has never apologised to me for anything. If I explain to her why i’m upset etc she turns it back to herself. How she is blamed for everything. How she is a bad mum. How she hates her life, the list goes on. When I limit contact as a result she reappears after a while as if nothing has happened.

She has made really cutting remarks about me not having children in the past. When we had a baby and I had to be kept in for a few days she was a complete nightmare. Calling me whilst at the hospital and blaming me for the difficult birth I had. I was constantly thinking of her when my focus should have been on my sick baby and my recovery. It was a time I really needed the support of a ‘mum’ and just didn’t get it.

I’m sorry so many of us have similar experiences.

No they don't apologise. Unless it's a sarcastic 'sorry for breathing'or something'

 

[TheGlossy]

Toxic parent did strike again yesterday.

We’re at the tail end of a lengthy probate after I went through hoops and loops to sort it out. Yesterday, the notary in charge contacted us to confirm an appointment date to sign the closure documents to release the outstanding funds to my mother.

My mother (who can’t as much as write her name or speak local language as she is fully illiterate) suddenly had my sister emailed me to tell me she wants to change notaries because she feels this one is ‘ripping her off’ by imposing fees.

I was about to lose it. She wanted to essentially go backwards, start the process again with a brand new notary who probably isn’t going to be as amenable and might charge more...all this over what? The fact the current notary wants to charge their fare share for their work (the fees are regulated and seem rather reasonable to me).

I lost my mind. It’s been a year of her pushing to get many things bent to her will with this process to the point where she yelled at me in front of their office and kept making unrealistic demands. I spent nearly 2K trying to deal with the notary to release my mother’s 5K. Absurdity at its finest.

The only thing keeping me in touch with this woman is this lousy probate that took far longer than it should have if it weren’t for her nonsense. I made it clear yesterday that if she chooses to move to another notary, she won’t get a penny from her 5K because it will be all absorbed in fees and she’ll be on her own because I’m not dealing with this utter delusion any longer.

I’ve a life too and this situation has literally deteriorated my mental health for the past 1.5 years when I’m not getting anything at all from this. Enough is enough. I tolerated far more than I bargained for.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Ive been no contact for 2 years now. This week I'm wobbling and wondering if I have just been over dramatic and should get back in touch with my dad.

The improvement in my mental health since going nc has been dramatic so I suppose I feel strong enough to deal with him now, but I know it's not worth the risk.

 

[AlwaysSummer]

I’m so thankful to this thread as the damaging impact that narc parents cause can feel so isolating. We are raised to feel guilt and ignore/distrust ourselves and our feelings. I’m in my 40s and have made a progress in how I talk to myself over the last few years and still learning new ways to approach life and relationships.

A narc will do anything to keep you feeling guilty and doubting yourself. It’s been years since I’ve moved to very limited contact with my parents and my narc mum will still find a way of knocking me down every single time I speak them. It’s been so helpful to realise I will never be good enough in my parents’ eyes unlike my brother who is the golden child and can do no wrong. I’ve also made peace with the fact they will never change and I will never have a normal relationship with them.

Between myself and my husband who’s also brought up in a disfunctional family of a different kind we aim to created a loving family environment for our child by trying to give her the unconditional love and support we didn’t get in our childhoods. It’s bitter-sweet but so empowering to think we can hopefully stop toxic family dynamics being replicated through the generations.

bug hugs to you all x

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Hi everyone,
So me and my mum had a falling out a few weeks ago after she blew up at me over something really stupid- this sounds so pathetic but she literally had a go at me in the supermarket for “pissing her off for being like that” when I was merely standing with a trolley. Apparently I was being inpatient? For merely standing waiting for her to put things in the trolley? Bear in mind, I’m in my thirties, she practically yelled at me in a busy supermarket which was embarrassing enough with people staring at us. It came out of nowhere and was so ridiculous. As a family, we are all under a lot of stress at the moment and I genuinely think it was more a culmination of all that stress but on reflection she does have a habit of taking stress out on me.

I have anxiety and depression so I don’t call her out on it, we just have these arguments and she never apologises. I just let it go and we carry on like it never happened.

Until we had another argument less than a week after trolley gate and now I’ve just reached my limit- it’s literally the straw the has broke the camels back. As a result, I’ve shut myself off. I’ve read about the grey rock technique so I’ve literally shut down. Im not talking to her, I’m keeping out of her way. I’m just completely done. For my own mental health, this has really rocked me. i’m just looking after myself. I’m not bothering anyone, I’m not carrying anything on. I’m just completely done. All she needs to do is apologise but she won’t as she never has. We’ve not spoken for three weeks now.

So now, because I’m not giving her any response she’s been in my brothers ear. So this morning he has now blown up at me for being in a mood and telling me to duck off and snap out of it. He has no idea what our arguments were about. All she has to do is apologise and we can move on. But then I know that she’ll only apologise in words only and not actually mean it so what’s the point?

Not sure what else to do. Not sure why I’m writing this all here really. I’m determined to stick to grey rocking as she has really upset me but i just don’t know what to do now.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Hi everyone,
So me and my mum had a falling out a few weeks ago after she blew up at me over something really stupid- this sounds so pathetic but she literally had a go at me in the supermarket for “pissing her off for being like that” when I was merely standing with a trolley. Apparently I was being inpatient? For merely standing waiting for her to put things in the trolley? Bear in mind, I’m in my thirties, she practically yelled at me in a busy supermarket which was embarrassing enough with people staring at us. It came out of nowhere and was so ridiculous. As a family, we are all under a lot of stress at the moment and I genuinely think it was more a culmination of all that stress but on reflection she does have a habit of taking stress out on me.

I have anxiety and depression so I don’t call her out on it, we just have these arguments and she never apologises. I just let it go and we carry on like it never happened.

Until we had another argument less than a week after trolley gate and now I’ve just reached my limit- it’s literally the straw the has broke the camels back. As a result, I’ve shut myself off. I’ve read about the grey rock technique so I’ve literally shut down. Im not talking to her, I’m keeping out of her way. I’m just completely done. For my own mental health, this has really rocked me. i’m just looking after myself. I’m not bothering anyone, I’m not carrying anything on. I’m just completely done. All she needs to do is apologise but she won’t as she never has. We’ve not spoken for three weeks now.

So now, because I’m not giving her any response she’s been in my brothers ear. So this morning he has now blown up at me for being in a mood and telling me to duck off and snap out of it. He has no idea what our arguments were about. All she has to do is apologise and we can move on. But then I know that she’ll only apologise in words only and not actually mean it so what’s the point?

Not sure what else to do. Not sure why I’m writing this all here really. I’m determined to stick to grey rocking as she has really upset me but i just don’t know what to do now.

Oh wow it's bad enough you've had to deal with your mum's outbursts without your brother getting involved.
Can you say to your brother that you don't want to discuss your mum with him?

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Oh wow it's bad enough you've had to deal with your mum's outbursts without your brother getting involved.
Can you say to your brother that you don't want to discuss your mum with him?

I really should have said this but I was that taken aback that he was now getting involved that all I said was “I’m not carrying anything on, I’m just done” She was in the room to hear this so she’s fully aware that I’m pissed. It’s not his fight to get involved in as I’m sure she’s told him her side of the story and made me out to be a witch who is carrying this argument on.

I’m so far past trolley gate/the 2nd argument, it’s not even about that anymore. I feel like this is the first time she’s pushed me this far and it’s really important for me that I stick to my guns/grey rocking. I just want an apology, I really don’t see why it’s that hard. “I took it out on you, I’m sorry” is literally all I need from her. If anything, she’s made it all worse now by dragging my brother into it.

Depression is kicking my arse as it is, I’m so bleeping tired of all this.

 

[Ablemabel]

Hi everyone,
So me and my mum had a falling out a few weeks ago after she blew up at me over something really stupid- this sounds so pathetic but she literally had a go at me in the supermarket for “pissing her off for being like that” when I was merely standing with a trolley. Apparently I was being inpatient? For merely standing waiting for her to put things in the trolley? Bear in mind, I’m in my thirties, she practically yelled at me in a busy supermarket which was embarrassing enough with people staring at us. It came out of nowhere and was so ridiculous. As a family, we are all under a lot of stress at the moment and I genuinely think it was more a culmination of all that stress but on reflection she does have a habit of taking stress out on me.

I have anxiety and depression so I don’t call her out on it, we just have these arguments and she never apologises. I just let it go and we carry on like it never happened.

Until we had another argument less than a week after trolley gate and now I’ve just reached my limit- it’s literally the straw the has broke the camels back. As a result, I’ve shut myself off. I’ve read about the grey rock technique so I’ve literally shut down. Im not talking to her, I’m keeping out of her way. I’m just completely done. For my own mental health, this has really rocked me. i’m just looking after myself. I’m not bothering anyone, I’m not carrying anything on. I’m just completely done. All she needs to do is apologise but she won’t as she never has. We’ve not spoken for three weeks now.

So now, because I’m not giving her any response she’s been in my brothers ear. So this morning he has now blown up at me for being in a mood and telling me to duck off and snap out of it. He has no idea what our arguments were about. All she has to do is apologise and we can move on. But then I know that she’ll only apologise in words only and not actually mean it so what’s the point?

Not sure what else to do. Not sure why I’m writing this all here really. I’m determined to stick to grey rocking as she has really upset me but i just don’t know what to do now.

You have to say just that to your brother - you don't know what our argument was about and it's for you and only you and your mother to resolve. It's nothing to do with him and it sounds like he's been sent in by your mother to do her work for her.

The wisest words ever said to me were that you cannot control someone else's behaviour, only how you react/behave. Your mother is behaving badly. You want her to apologise butyou can't make her and you have to be prepared for the fact that she might not. My mother never once apologised to me despite doing some really appalling things and behaving terribly. Greyrockjng is really hard work but when you are dealing with someone unpredictable who harms you emotionally, its can be the only way short of no contact. You just have to be prepared to disassociate yourself in all dealings with them and cast aside any expectations.

ultimately you must do what is right for you.