Vlogmas #8 "Sexy Advent Calendar; Nadia Has A Bed Accident & They Meet Friend For Some ICING ADVICE." Thanks
@diamondtext for stating he is ripping off "Peep Show." I knew I saw that style of filming, but coulldn't pin point where. Here we go, dancing gingerbread men.
Mark's frenetic camera work as he zooms from the living room to the kitchen, into the laundry room, where Nadia is lying on a cardboard box propped up against the counter, clinging for dear life to the edge of the box. She says she cain't bend her knees. Mark and his stupid laugh. She has slid down the box with her leg bent over the Henry, as she keeps saying "My back! My back!" They tell her to roll over and she rolls over. When finally upright she screams "IF YOU DON'T GET THAT BED DONE TODAY, I SWEAR TO GOD!" Geezer girl Dina says "Yer Owwt!" Nadia says she nearly pulled her boob off on the box. Maddie went to say good morning to Nadia and her boobs were stuck on top of the box, yelling help. "You look very thin though Nads" as if to change Nadia's mood. "You looked great." Nadia is having none of his crap. Nadia said it was a good thing Maddie came in. "I didn't do anything. I just stood and watched" says Maddie.
In the car, "Dina where are we off to?" Dina is in the back seat and says Belgravia. 'Mark what for?" Mark says to ice some gems. Nadia says they have a special guest, "We know you all love this person and we're all in a jolly Christmas mood, aren't we, so 1, 2, 3,
We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year." Nadia jiggles the camera around.
Mark time. "They said not to wear my horns, but I want to wear my horns, because it is bloody cold." Mark asks if the special guest is Sophie Ellis-Bextor.
"We're in Victoria and it is very poash." "BELGRAVIA IS ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA" says the wall in Eccleston Yards, somewhere Mark has never been because it is posh I suppose. Nadia asks for a drum roll. Is it Michael Gove? No. Is it Sophie Ellis-Bextor? No. Dina asks if it is Cruella? No. It is LEEEEEEEE! Who says he is closer to Sophie than Michael. Mark says he is obsessed with Sophie and doesn't know why. Nadia tells Lee about the Marylebone Xmas Lights and how Mark thinks Sophie looked at him.
As if. Lee says she is one of them who is inoffensive. Nadia says "Remember when Robbie Williams said she had a face like a satellite?"
I remember that, but he said she had a face like a satellite dish and looked like his nan's ankles. She had called him a tart and a prat.
Dina asks what are the doing and Lee says when he rocked up he saw Barry's Bootcamp and thought he can't today. Nadia says what she thought they were doing was putting up a gingerbread house. What Mark actually booked was biscuits. Lee says he is so artistically challenged. "You've got an art teacher with you, it's alright." Lee says he can't start with a house, he can start with biscuits. Nadia says he needs to look Christmassy and puts antlers on his head. Then decides no and puts the Xmas pud hat on. Lee looks so thrilled. "I mean, you just can't do that to a gay man!" Nadia gets her phone out and says he looks stunning. He says he needs to show a bit of hair. Mark says now it has transformed. Nadia pulls out a jumper and says he can choose and Lee says "Can I choose not to wear it?" Nadia shows him another one with cats, it has moth holes has they have been in the loft and may be a bit whiffy.
Charming. The look on Lee's face. Nadia pulls out the jumper she will be wearing, it lights up. There is the Lidl sweater which is obvious for Dina. Mark and his stupid laugh can be heard all the way in Battersea at this point. "Do you have a Waitrose one or M & S?" Lee asks. Another jumper has a gherkin with a Santa hat. It says "Good Tidings We Bring to You and Your Gherkin!" and unfortunately it is ACRYLIC.
Lee fains vomiting. It seems Lee will fight with Dina for the Lidl later. Off to Biscuiteers and Lee says he has one near him.
Mark pulls out an brown icing bag and you just know he is gagging to make a rude comment. He doesn't though. He tells Lee the hat and his Vivian Westwood top go really well together. Mark makes a comment about the small table and Nadia says it's probably made for children. As if on cue, Mark spots the stars decorations and says "Look! Stars!" Mark ties back his reindeer hat stringe and Lee asks who's your favourite reindeer? "Mine's Prancer." Loud laughing ensues. Dina says Blitzen. Nadia doesn't know a single Rudolph's name. Lee starts listing their names and through the wonder EDITING stylings of Mark it is this back and forth between his and Nadia's phones. Very annoying. Chat about the reindeer names. Mark points to the Icing Studio with his camera and asks what's going on in there. Dina says the real biscuiteers. Lee: "One day guys, we'll be in the there." Nadia mentions to Lee about it being very posh around here and then Lee exclaims "Oh look! MA-CAA-RONZ!" A quick look at the wares on sale. Gingerbread men going for 5 quid each!
Ad break. One is for Aruba where there is a fit couple frolicking on the beach. The next one is for signature poutines at Harvey's (burger joint here). What a contradiction. Did you know that Aruba has the most sunny days in the Caribbean? Now you do.
Mark spies a film clap board biscuit and he says he wants to do that. A Biscuiteer chick comes and tells them to pick 3 biscuits each and then she is going to demo how to ice them. Dina: Jumper, mitten, tree. Lee: Scarf, fireplace, he says star, but it's a snowflake. Mark puts on a juvenile voice going for the robin, tree and penguin. Nads: Mug, mitten, hat. Mark changes his mind and goes for the lantern. Lee asks Mark if he is quite arty, Nadia confirms he is. When Lee was in school, he tried to draw a horse and his teacher laughed at it.
He said in primary school when he was trying to draw a waterfall in year 6, the head teacher said his year 2s can do a better job than that.
Those people have no business teaching little kids or teaching period. Nadia it just takes one teacher and that's it. Dina asks if he has absolutely no confidence at all art-wise? No, not in terms of art says Lee. Dina tells us that lefties are far more creative.
Whatever Dina. Mark is wearing his hamster jumper today. Here come the biscuits. Nadia changes her mind and gets 2 penguins and a snowflake.
The Biscuiteer shows them how to use the icing bags. "Give it a squeeze... squeeze the tip." Lee says "Everything reminds me of him" and raucous laughter. They do practice runs on paper to get to grips with the icing. Mark's lines are wavy from gripping the camera too hard. So they have to outline then fill in and then put decorations on the biscuits. Dina is off! Lee has a drink. Mark is saying how stressful it is and how he is not breathing.
Get a grip man! Lee asks Mark if he is "crumbling." Lee feels he has messed up and Nadia tells him he has to let go of the idea of perfection. Lee says what's the point if you can't be perfect. "I think it's the taking part" says Nadia. TIME FOR MORE PROSECCO!! Dancing faerie time. Mark pans around the table, as everyone else is deep in decorating. Nadia says it takes you out of your head. Mark calls her penguin slap dash and really he needs to put a sock in it, because his look like a mess. He has tried to even out the icing. Mark got a Ring notification. The kids got back from a car boot sale, whilst they are decorating biscuits. Mark says the kids are the adults and the adults are the kids today.
Mark is doing his lantern and the way his hands are shaking, it must be the caffiene. "Oh you smell lovely Lee" says Nadia. "Thank you." Lee says he will do the fireplace, but the fire won't be on. Nadia scraps icing off her biscuit, whilst Dina is on her third. Nadia is running her tongue on the biscuit. Nadia accuses Dina of bogarting the white icing. Dina is upset that the purple icing came out wonky and ruined her tree. Dina says out loud "What a waste of time!" Nadia tells her to keep it down. "It's just a bit of Xmas cheer, have some wine and shaddup." Dina says Lee's looks brilliant. Dina is upset and Nadia sings Let it gooo. Lee thinks Dina has a deeper issue going on. Lee asks Dina what she is like during board games and does she flip the board. Dina says no. Dina mentions going on a basketweaving course and Lee says he has never heard someone say that sentence in his life. Dina says her gay friend was amazing at it and she just chucked her's on the floor in frustration. Dina says it was very mathematical and she couldn't understand the weave. Dina
witches that they should have given them 3 whites and Nadia tells her "to stop
bleeping moaning." Nadia has made a penguin each for her children. Mark enjoyed himself and did well. Nadia asks Dina if she enjoyed herself. "I'm saying nothing."
Mark asks if they get to put them in boxes. "Nah, in da bin!" says Dina.
They are off to lunch after this. "We don't have to make it ourselves" says Lee. View of the goods in Biscuiteers, they have Buckingham Palace with the gold coach.
Mark talks to the camera about how he was literally going to die of a coronary in there. Film of Mark getting smushy, smushy with a French Bulldog. They have lunch and now have their biscuits. How do we know which is which? Nadia says there is one with a drippy bauble on this one. "That's mine,
witch" replies Dina. They bake them to cure them I guess and they put them in boxes. Nadia says "Mine's tilted and
tit but I love it!" Everyone says AAAAWWW when Lee finally opens his box. "Oh my God, Xmas has begun" says Nadia "Hasn't it just" chimes in Lee. Dina asks which Loose Woman is he giving that to? Me says Lee. Dina says she knew he could do it. Mark is very pleased with his lantern. Lee wants to know what to do with the biscuit. Nadia says to give it to his mummy. Mark says store it in the loft, then Fiona Bruce will tell you how much it's worth.
The Sawalha sisters are making show of themselves. They are swinging their arms and dancing singing "If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd've Baked You A Cake." Lee mentions Stanley Halls and the sisters said they did rehearsals there. Lee tells them some story, but I have lost interest right now.
Dancing gingerbread men with an 80s background and quasi-70s porno music. WARNING!!! ADULT CONTENT. Nadia is sozzled, coming out of a cab. "Dyouwantaprezint?" Mark asks who she is and if she is alright. She asks if the kids are here and he says yes. She hussles her arse into the house and says "Hi girls, we'll be 2 secs!" They go into the downstairs loo, with a big box. It's the Ann Summers 12 Nights of New Sensations everyone! She turns the box around and Mark says "Ohmygawd!" It has a rabbit vibe, pebble massager, G-spot vibe, sleek vibe, cock ring, mini wand, anal plug, masturbator, blindfold, lubricants and gel and 12 sex cheques.
This thing costs $210.00 Canadian! Mark asks if they are edible.
She says she got it for him, but she knows they will never use it. He needs to leave, because she has needed a wee for ages. She mumbles something, dancing gingerbread men. Fin.