Mumsnet #28 Six figure job but dress sense heinous, here's a picture of my anus.

[FeloniousMonk]

‘My DH has come home drunk and violent. He’s locked me out of the house and taken my keys. He’s in there alone with our 3 year old. What do I do?’

words fail me.

The VERY FIRST thing you should do, OP, is to make a thread on MN. Well done!

 

[Serene Serena]

The pension in your late 30's thread is a depressing read

Answers including £100k, £400k, £340k, someone paying in £900 a month, someone paying in £750 a month and someone who also had to shoehorn in the fact that he earns £135k a year, has a big pension, £150k in an ISA and is mortgage free. Even though OP didn't ask for any of those details

I think most of those people are fantasists.
On a personal level, I would rather not put every spare penny into a pension because knowing my luck, I'll drop dead at 55, having scrimped and saved all my life for absolutely nothing.

 

[girlinbrum]

Honestly his sperm sounds like it flying around everywhere, she can't get away from it, she's drawing in it.

 

[girlinbrum]

Oh god, I might be turning into a cliche mumsnetter please send help, I blame having had an awful week at work.

Saw the thread title "are you getting an end of year bonus?" And was about to reply "no, as I work for a bankrupt local authority, I'll be lucky to have a job soon" !! I never want to me a miserable mumsnetter, no matter how bad work gets. Maybe I should just point out that no one in the Ukraine is getting a bonus this Christmas either.

 

[Serene Serena]

Does anyone on here actually know anyone in real life who blathers on about being middle-class? I've got friends who live in big houses, friends who live in rented flats, one friend lives in a caravan, friends who earn shitloads, friends who are on NMW - we all get on well and there's never any kind of one-upmanship from the wealthy people. No-one talks about how much they spent on their clothes unless it was super cheap. No-one argues over whether Malbec is better than Merlot, we just drink it.

I am SO not a Mumsnetter.

 

[50degreesnorth]

Her family didn’t buy him a present.

Him crying with a turkey baster in his hands is like something out of a Criminal Minds episode.

 

[April89]

There is a McDonald’s thread on aibu.

Hope the klaxon has sounded and they are all preparing to post.

I’m taking a shot every time someone says it makes them heave, they can smell it from miles away or that they eat takeaway once every 7 years…

 

[JarvisCockerSpaniel]

‘How much cheese per person?’

‘Personally I find it easier to grate cheese and portion it out that way. I have one or two strands of something very strong tasting, and I find that’s enough to satisfy any cheese craving for the year’

I’m just imagining being on my death bed never having experienced dipping ciabatta into an entire personal Camembert and I want to weep, that just ain’t a life lived as far as I’m concerned

 

[orangehead]

Ooooh I nearly went all MN snarky earlier, there's a thread about blackheads in chat and I was going to put 'who cares?' but restrained myself

I think those people having that conversation are very narcissistic. I mean some people would LOVE to have blackheads but they can’t because they’re DEAD. Selfish.

 

[CrimsonCountess]

There's some really nasty responses to a post in which the OP is sad as her nan is no longer able to make Christmas dinner, so you can tell it's just because it's a tradition etc and she obviously enjoyed the day but the witches are out in force!

The most mumsnet response ever

 

[orangehead]

I can't get to grips with Mumsnet - it seems to be a female version of what Reddit was to male Incels with a lot of endless man bashing which gets to be quite boring after a while. All those simplistic responses of DIVORCE THE BASTARD! BLOCK HIM! Didn't realise so many mums hated their husbands! Seems to be a magnet for man haters. If the founders were hoping for a family friendly forum, they've ended up with something quite nasty and festering. It's also known for rampant transphobia. I can't say that I meet that many trans people in my daily life and I'm in London, but Mumsnet has it ramped up to be a major threat to civilisation.

The most bizarre things about Mumsnet and the ‘divorce the bastard’ things is this;

My husband is being very secretive with his phone, he’s stopped doing anything around the house, is constantly at the gym, doesn’t want sex, he’s spending all his wages and won’t tell me where but wants access to my wages for stuff like the gym and the pub when I need it for food and kids stuff, he’s snappy with the kids and last night he slapped me when I asked if he was cheating - he sounds depressed, do you even work? No wonder he’s so unhappy if he is responsible for the family finances and you just sit at home, you should be more understanding and less financially controlling, this is why male suicide is higher than female suicide.

My husband ate the last pot noodle - leave him, he sounds selfish and narcissistic and he’s probably cheating on you op, ask yourself why he needed that pot noodle… because he’s used all his energy shafting! Get your ducks in a row, take your paperwork and valuables to work and see a divorce lawyer NOW.

 

[PrincessCharming]

Christ. Put down a trap and crack on with it.

Funny story Last Friday i took the dog to the vets for a checkup. He’d been acting weird all week, not settling off an evening, crying and pacing. Vet couldn’t find anything obvious but said it could be the start of dementia.
Saturday I start to put up my glorious tree of crap ornaments in the kitchen when I notice something in the corner…mouse poo. Location of said mouse? Eating the bird fat balls in the dogs cupboard. Dog is not ill, he’s been telling us we had a mouse.

Turns out it was a single field mouse that had come in up the dryer vent pipe, chewed his way into the kitchen and then accessed the only cupboard he could due to the layout…. The dogs.
Trapped it overnight, disinfected everywhere, dog back to normal.

They’re so funny when they’re trying to tell you something.

I say to my dog, go tell Daddy that his dinner is ready and she races through to get him then zooms back and forth until he comes through. It’s as if she’s incredulous someone would not be in the kitchen waiting already when there’s food on the go

 

[CrimsonCountess]

On the thread about nose rings. This has to be a joke surely

 

[girlinbrum]

You know how everyone experiences periods differently, and how mumsnetters cannot fathom that any way but their way is the right way... I remember when some countries started doing period leave, we know some women have endometriosis, painful periods, heavy period etc and having even a day off work can help. Given that mumsnet is a site for mothers and women they were all so so so angry about period leave. Saying that any women who took time off work for period pains didn't deserve a promotion or any role of responsibility. And then it was a competition on who could do what during their periods- oh I've climbed a mountain when on my periods, oh that's nothing I swam an ocean, well I ran 16 marathons in one day, well I flew to the moon on my periods. Its a thread that I still remember cos it made me so angry how they had zero support for women.

 

[GirlWithThePearlEarhole]

Yeah...I'd be very surprised if a Jewish person who is observant enough to keep two separate kitchens at home would date a non Jewish person and have Christmas dinner, especially one prepared in a non-kosher kitchen. And anyway, if it were real, why wouldn't you just ask her?

There's been a run of "will I offend this minority by doing this at Christmas" threads. I don't think they're real, but I really don't know what the trolls get out of that one.

I’d be very surprised if a Jewish woman who kept Kosher to the extent she has two kitchens would let a Gentile penis enter her person.

 

[ShopTilYouSlop]

Very festive!

Omg she's so edgy. How I wish I could be like her.

 

[Miss Begotten]

Someone should tell them that slippers work excellently as mufflers for when they are trying to tiptoe silently around their enormous mansions so as not to alert the delivery driver/postman/next door neighbour/tradesman gagging to try on their lingerie banging on the front door.

 

[Livia Fantasy]

Has the dreadful Christmas poem been mentioned over here yet? I think the OP wrote it, but now most of the posts are telling her it's really bad, she's pretending her kid wrote it, and as we all know, creative kids can't be criticised. (Try saying that after a pint of mulled wine )

Anyway, here it is in full, for your delectation:

What Christmas means to me.

“Are you all set for Christmas?” we hear,
A question that always strikes fear.

No, the Elf is not on the shelf,
Nor have I ordered the turkey or beer,
The cards haven't been sent,
On presents, not a penny spent!

However, when December rolls around,
I will only be found,
Knee deep in glitter,
With tinsel up to my ears.

To me, this is what Christmas has always been.

Then carol singing and school plays,
And itchy Christmas jumper days,
Indulgent food and mulled wine,
Praying Amazon arrives on time!
Work dos with uncomfortable shoes,
Drinking plenty of ….juice.

Time with family and friends, and festive fun.
Isn't it the same for everyone?

Decoration and dessert preparation,
Advent Calendar anticipation,
The whole house now smells like a cinnamon roll…
How long is left to go?

At last, the big day arrives and Santa has been,
The living room carpet can no longer be seen,
Under plastic, cardboard, wrapping and more,
“Next year…we are NOT going overboard!”

Home Alone on the box and novelty socks,
Too many treats, turkey sleeps, The King's Speech!
Then Pringles…on repeat.
This is what Christmas means to me…

Me…me..
So blinded by the Christmas lights,
Shopping and food delights,
So wrapped up in preparing gifts,
Entertaining and Santa visits,
That I couldn't even stop and bother
To look and see,
What the season brings for others.
Me...How blind I've been.

For both far and near,
Some will not be feeling such festive cheer.

There's a world we cannot know,
Far away from ours,
Where ashes fall like snow,
And missiles obscure the stars.

These lives have become undone,
Where's the joy? Where's the fun?
Displaced from where they once called home.
“Mummy, how will Santa know where to come?”

There’s local children, who know Santa only as fable,
Told “He'll bring what he is able”,
Who will have to queue for a seat at a Christmas table.

The family on the nice side of the street,
Wanting for nothing with the world at their feet,
Who'd now trade all their Christmas wishes,
For a day with Daddy whose death was 'not suspicious'.

A neighbour over the fence,
Responds to friendly banter,
But wears sunglasses in winter,
A raised glass will mean dire consequence.

And wee Granny, who once made Christmas lunch for all,
Her family now hung on the wall,
Of whose names she can't recall.
“We'll take her out for the day”, they say.

...And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day.

YAWN. Just buy your kid a Nintendo Switch and fuck off

 

[CrimsonCountess]

How many times can a mumsnetter say anus in one post? Almost surprised there's not a picture with this one

 

[mindlessness]

Mumsnetters on class is always such a clusterfuck. No-one, on any income, in any sort of home, with whatever background, will ever live up to their exacting judgemental standards.

Very amused by this mumsnetter on her 'DD2'

Looks do seem to help you rise up the social scale. It’s happened in my own house! Dd2 mid teen is beautiful confident and good company and has seamlessly whizzed up the social scale - slotted herself in with the offspring of the wealthiest families locally and spends most weekends lolling about in their Manor Houses.

I presume DD1 is 'plain' and didn't do so well with her social climbing during secondary school and is thus a disappointment.