I guess I have incorporated other ideas than the core animal abuse issue in my choices, and that is fine by me if people claim I am not a "proper" vegan then. For me it's not just direct impact issues such as meat and dairy products, leather and the like, but it's also being aware of the indirect stuff. Like Palm Oil causing devastation to Orangutan populations (which somebody mentioned up thread), or plastics causing untold damage to oceans, and all ocean inhabitants. Or strip mining for rare earths that leave whole ecological systems devastated. Farming cotton wool is also extremely devastating to the landscape and takes huge amounts of water, not to speak of the poisonous chemicals in the dyes and the terrible working conditions for a lot of these workers. Which is why "there is no ethical consumption under capitalism" has such a pull for a lot of people, me included. Because even with best efforts, I am unable to escape the systemic issues that for me go well beyond veganism.It's not "purity" though, there are clear boundaries and definitions. I think anyone who has been vegan for a long time can understand that there was a period where nothing was labelled and food places were quite ignorant over things like cross contamination, but times have changed, especially with the awareness of the importance of labeling food for allergies. And if they haven't, then it's back to basics to avoid such slip ups, such as avoiding eating out in non vegan places or making it clear to the staff to not include animals.. If you receive something that contains animals, then return it. It's nothing about "food waste" it's about not seeing animals as food, a basic moral value. If you had an allergy to dairy you wouldn't just suck it up to be polite and not want to waste food (or at least people should be empowered to live by their ethical values to not compromise them and equipped with the knowledge how to do so without being a twit).
Your comment about consumerism to me highlights how the term veganism is moving away from it's animal rights definition. Veganism can have health benefits and benefits to the environment (such as plastic waste in the sea being from the fishing industry), but it's not the crux. Buying so much stuff, so much plastic wrapped things isn't cool, but she's still vegan for the basis that she doesn't consume animals for animal rights reasons (unless she now identifies otherwise idk).
Agree to disagree, I personally don't see an issue with her not sending back something, but YMMV.