Lying about cancer?!

[candyland_]

Why can’t men just be honest and say it’s over? Definitely makes me not want to start dating again anytime soon

 

[candyland_]

I think they've probably done it before. It's probably just something they do to try and get attention or they're after something. I will block them both, I haven't contacted them in a few days anyway and it's been exhausting overall.

Glad to hear you are blocking them. Be wary of any other numbers popping up with a bad update from them. It could escalate once you stop playing.

 

[TheGlossy]

I think you need to let go instead of investigating further. You’re honestly wasting your time trying to get to the bottom of this. You won’t.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Yeah I thought if you found a lump you'd book an appointment in with your gp and they'd do tests. He just disappeared overnight and text me in the morning to say he found a lump and had tests and scans during the night which is just odd. But surely even if you're lying you know that is implausible

That's a good point re: cards, I didn't think of that. Although he did then say the staff were buying gifts for patients so I'm not sure if it is clutter or just infection control. His brother said he wasn't even allowed a phone charger in but he had to sneak it in.

His brother has no last name on WhatsApp it was just whatever I assigned to him. I also find it odd one time his brother didn't respond for a few days and said he left his phone in the car and his wife took the car, yet I could see his last seen status and he had been onlkne inbetween then. I might phone him to talk about everything to check out the story. I imagine it is harder to lie off the cuff than through text.

Why are you still thinking it’s true !! He said he left his phone in the car YET WAS STILL ONLINE. He’s lying honey. I’m sorry. But none of this story adds up. you don’t find a lump and then get tests over night !! Jesus there’s so many backlogged patients it would take a few days at least to get an appointment. Did he decide to take himself to the hospital and demand a test??? I’m sure he didn’t. You don’t know his last name or where he works. Even if you didn’t ASK he still should have mentioned it. I know you don’t want to believe someone would make this up but there are sick minded people out there. He’s had an affair with you OR he’s a psychopath liar. He sure as hell isn’t getting his brother to message you. A hospital wouldn’t tell someone they can’t bring a charger in. Please block him and forget him. No good can come from this. If you’re analysing it this much you must have gut instincts something isn’t right. You can do better. I don’t know why this psycho didn’t just ghost you if he didn’t want to see you again instead of making up a sick story. But this person is lying. 100%

I sort of worry what might happen if I agree to visit him at his house and someone comes along to pick me up claiming to be his brother, that seems unsafe.

I have spoken to T twice when he has been better and not sedated and he said he'd have understood if I had moved on. But the curiosity just meant I wasn't really thinking about other dates just yet.



His name doesn't begin with T I just used it for some anonymity. He lives in the south west of England though his "brother" lives in South Yorkshire....

Oh my lord DO NOT GO TO HIS HOUSE. The fact you’re thinking it could be unsafe is all the answers you need!!! A person doesn’t get sedated as much as this person does either. Wake up darling.

 

[Miss Lulupops]

The story is so confusing. He does have his phone in hospital and he has messaged me a couple of this around Christmas..but his brother said he is mainly sedated and can't sit up so that's why I don't get many messages.

From what he is saying the situation sounds dire. But then they're progressing with such aggressive treatment and lots of surgery which like you said, I didn't think they'd do if they didn't think there was a cure. As if it's just palliative isn't it to reduce discomfort or control the tumour growth in some cases.

It seems so strange to me he's sedated like 90% of the time yet apparently the prognosis is poor but not final. None of it makes sense to me.

Also perhaps you could shed light on whether there are times where you are not allowed to send even a card or present to them due to infection control even when staff can bring patients in presents . To me that was just...odd.

The only way he would be mainly sedated is if he is on hospice or been sent home to die. Sedated is very vague but they can give strong morphine and other meds that would help control the pain he is in towards end of life. Morphine and other meds combined can make you drowsy and sleepy.

There would be no need to keep somebody who is in their 30s, with no terminal diagnosis who is not on end of life care sedated. It just wouldn't happen.

And if he was on hospice or EOL care at home, his brother would not be concerned with texting you cryptic messages. You aren't his wife or even girlfriend. If somebody is going through that they want the people they love and care about surrounding their bedside so there would be no reason to shut you out if he cared.

The phone thing really is nonsense. I mean, I won't keep banging on about my work or family thing.... take Bowel Babe - a high profile media cancer case who sadly passed away earlier this year. She was on Instagram just days before her death.

Infection control measures were strict during covid but as another poster said .... they don't like flowers etc for specific reasons. However if he wanted you to visit, you could easily take along a little gift and nobody would be non the wiser.

He's twisted. Probably married. Or probably a bit clinically insane and compulsive liar. Either way, steer clear.

 

[IGiveUp22]

Hey I have a little update on this if anyone is interested. I had them both blocked on my phone but still saved as contacts. A few days ago I was on tiktok and a new account appeared on the "from your contacts" section. From memory the profile pic was the same one T's brother used on whatsapp (obscured so you couldnt see his face but the pic was his), but the username was T's . So basically the "brother" was T.

It has been a month since i last spoke to them so it doesn't bother me and I'm not dwelling on it and haven't contacted them etc. Just an update for everyone who contributed to this thread .

I think I am going to take a step back from dating for a while though and work on myself - this did affect how well I trust people

That feature on tik tok is very interesting! Especially in this situation.

I’m also not surprised but honestly it’s so so weird that there are people like this out there. It’s scary!

 

[HelloStereo]

Pls don’t think it’s anything you’ve done. This person sounds like they get kicks out of this sort of thing. I can bet it won’t be the first or last time they will do it. Pls block him. I wouldn’t even bother with a farewell msg. Please listen to the medical professionals that have commented saying no one gets all that chemo/ surgery / sedation. New year means new man. Leave the old behind. He isn’t worth it.

I think they've probably done it before. It's probably just something they do to try and get attention or they're after something. I will block them both, I haven't contacted them in a few days anyway and it's been exhausting overall.

 

[candyland_]

The whole situation is just so bizarre. It feels like one thing after another with small details that just don't seem to add up.

I felt so awful posting this as it's a terrible thing to lie about but I'm also almost relieved people are thinking the same as me?

I’m sorry to reply again but these men always appear to be amazing in the beginning.. it’s how they get you hooked.

 

[margaretta]

Only to echo what others are saying.

This situation has warning bells sounding at a very high volume.

As much as you are invested in him and empathise, even if he turned out to be telling the truth (and I can assure you, he is not), the trust is gone. And without trust, you have nothing.

It hurts, I know it hurts, why people do this I don’t know. I once got pulled in to someone doing something similar. The best thing you can do is block, cut all contact and move on to someone who deserves to be with someone as caring as you.

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

@HelloStereo It’s not exactly the same thing, but I have been in a situation where I believed myself to be seeing a man who later turned out to be married and having an affair with me. I had piles upon piles of evidence from over 12 months of his cheating, which I could have sent to his wife and that couldn’t have possibly been disputed (photos, text messages etc.) and to this day, nearly a year after I found out about his wife, I still think about contacting her and telling her everything.

In the end, I decided not to do it. Not to protect him because he’s a c*nt who deserves everything he gets, but because I didn’t want to bring more drama from the fallout of telling her down on myself. Although it affected me badly for a long time, I decided that completely cutting him off, drawing a line under it and moving on with my life was the right thing to do for me.

I suppose what I’m going round the houses to say is, if you do decide to tell her, it’s not going to be as simple as dropping the bomb and that’s that. It’s someone’s life you’ll be blowing apart and there will be fallout. It’s up to you to weigh up if you want to continue dealing with this for the foreseeable, or if you do want to just draw a line and chalk it up to a lesson learned. He will get caught out eventually, liars always do, but personally I think you’ve had enough of your time and energy wasted now.

 

[TheGlossy]

Perhaps I assumed the best in people, I don't see what there is to gain from lying about cancer, but this is so weird and there are such red flags as you say. Like having emergency surgeries twice, going in for scans on a lump in the groin overnight in hospital? Also his brother texting me off his phone at 11pm and then in the next breath saying the phone is always by his bedside.

I just feel so awful if there is a smidgen of truth that I am just walking away. I didn't know if there is a way to get more detail to really know what's going on.

I added another paragraph to my answer regarding what he can gain from this story. He’ll soon start asking for donations etc.

He is visibly suffering from a mental illness of some sort and is probably getting comfort in the attention he’s getting from this story. Your level headed question of “I don’t see what he can gain from all this” seems to indicate that part of you believes him but this type of logical question doesn’t really apply why this type of person. They don’t think rationally or logically the way other people do.

He’s got no internet presence and hasn’t allowed you to see him in real life since the beginning of this whole ordeal. Besides, if he’s being so obscure about where he works and lives, it’s obviously to have a cover up because he doesn’t want up be traced. One day he’ll probably just vanish never to be heard from again.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Hey I have a little update on this if anyone is interested. I had them both blocked on my phone but still saved as contacts. A few days ago I was on tiktok and a new account appeared on the "from your contacts" section. From memory the profile pic was the same one T's brother used on whatsapp (obscured so you couldnt see his face but the pic was his), but the username was T's . So basically the "brother" was T.

It has been a month since i last spoke to them so it doesn't bother me and I'm not dwelling on it and haven't contacted them etc. Just an update for everyone who contributed to this thread .

I think I am going to take a step back from dating for a while though and work on myself - this did affect how well I trust people

I can’t say I’m shocked that they were the same person.

My ex used to make multiple different social media accounts to stalk girls (literally) and I always guessed he must have a second sim or something.

Some people are very strange!

 

[IGiveUp22]

Sorry to bring this thread back alive, I just caught the South Yorkshire bit - my narc ex was from S.Y with the initials J.M.
This sounds VERY much like his MO. Was more of a slow burn but he lied about having potential kidney cancer which resulted in him lying about having a kidney removed when I ended things. There was also a multitude of things he faked including messages/websites/bank statements/degree certificates/his wealth/used different phones/social media accounts etc. He would lie about family members etc. He’s also done it to other women I am aware of & he has been reported to the police but nothing has been done. He is a pathological liar, did things to get money out of women but on a smaller scale than the likes of the tinder swindler.

I too did not think I’d would ever ever get sucked in by someone like this. I never believed half of his lies & when I challenged him I was met with emotional abuse but it got to a point where I point blank accused him of lying about being ill - this was where the “removal” came in then
I didn’t think people like this really existed. But sadly they do.

Please run an absolute mile from this situation. The entire thing is an absolute lie none of what has happened here is “normal” for this situation. Additionally it sounds like he’s love bombed you, & realistically you don’t know this man - you went on a few dates. Please, don’t entertain this anymore.

Also, I’d recommend “sleeping with a psychopath” book. There are absolute creatures out there ladies - stay safe!

 

[TheGlossy]

I’d say be careful. You don’t know how dangerous he is. If he was able to use his own son’s name to make up such a horrendous story, God knows what else he can do.

 

[candyland_]

Some men are professionals at getting you hooked in that you’ll be blind to their lies. I’ve been there

 

[HelloStereo]

I would make a fake Facebook with no photos (make a fake Gmail and don't use your phone #) or anything and message the wife.
"Hey is your husband douche? I heard through the grapevine he is having an affair. I just thought I would let you know."
Then just forget about the account and move on. Don't give any details just short and sweet. Don't mention the cancer or false identity. Let God/Earth/Buddah whatever decide when she will read the message request and it's up to her from there.

Btw every relationship I've been in I've been cheated on. Thank you to all the women who reach out. We have to look out for each other. 🩷

I think he is so manipulative without evidence it would be difficult. I wish I could give screenshots with the pic in even though you can't properly see them she would surely recognise it.

The more I think about it the more it makes me sick. To not only cheat on his wife but then make up fake identities to perpetuate a lie he has cancer? To use his son's names and details of his genuine brother to further the lie. I remember the texts he'd send saying it was T's last chance at treatment because the chemo wasn't working to shrink the tumours etc.

This is a sign of a very sick individual. And on the face of it he seems completely normal / stable? Been married a long time, good stable job, two sons etc. What could possibly drive him to do something as heinous as this is beyond me.

So I'm not sure creating fake profiles and giving no other details would work. If he went to this trouble to manipulate me I'm sure he can with her.
---

BTW might sound mad but I gave myself a timeline to get over this so to speak. After finding out the full story, i decided
February is a "free month" where I can mull over it and do what feels best in terms of if I want to stay in bed for the weekend eating chocolate I can. After that i want to draw a line under it. From March back working it at the gym, going on my walks and learning new recipes for tasty food. Once I'm back to feeling my best I might dip my toes into dating again. It gets brighter from spring anyway.

I know I can walk away from this knowing I was always 100% myself. It might make me more cynical and quicker to point out inconsistencies in future - but it hasn't made me bitter or would stop me from being open with someone more genuine.

 

[Okgolightly]

Yeah it was only a few months. It was quite intense though, he kept inviting me away on holiday and professing his feelings for me. I know it hadn't been long but if it was true I still wanted to be there for him. He wasn't really hiding his last name or where he worked, it just didn't come up. I don't think he knows my last name or where I work until recently.

I had a brief thought his brother might be him haha. His brother's whatsapp picture shows him with a wife but it is taken from far away and he's wearing a cap so I can't see his face properly, but he has emojis for his status which are the same as T's. I always wondered if there was trouble at home and he had a brief fling with me and then went back to his wife .

I was going to say the thought I had when reading was that the brother is him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s absolutely awful. I would say with 99.9% certainty he is lying to you. Maybe send a message saying you don’t want to distract from his treatment or whatever and leave the ball in his court to contact you. From my experience with people like this you’ll get nowhere asking him for the truth, he will just continue the lie. Best to leave him in 2022.

 

[HelloStereo]

Oh my darling girl, what a horrible experience for you.
I am a medic in the Southwest, and agree with what @Miss Lulupops said. The 2 week wait is the standard method of diagnosing most cancers. Occasionally it can be diagnosed as a result of an A and E visit, but only if the original presenting condition (lump in groin) warranted immediate scans/ultrasound. The rest of the description re sedation, treatment etc, sounds highly unlikely too.
As part of my role I have visited nearly every hospital in the Southwest and they all now allow gifts and cards. Flowers, as you say, vary from ward to ward.
The part that absolutely tells me that this story is highly suspicious (although elements may be true) is the bit about the phone charger having to be sneaked in. Complete and utter bullshit! Nearly every patient I see (including lots in their 90's) has some form of mobile, even if it is an old brick type phone. I have never known of a single ward who wouldn't allow a charger. Applying a logical thought process, why would his phone be openly by his side, but not allow a charger.
I have no advice re how to deal with this, but hope that you are able to move on and see that this has nothing to do with you as a person, and is completely the result of someone else being deceitful and probably deranged.

Thank you, it's all such a mindf*ck! I was really sad at first and then I got more and more details and started to doubt the story more and more, especially the no card / gift thing and him not wanting to see me in hospital. He said he had to sneak in a charger when I asked about sending a card. It just seemed so utterly farfetched as you say, surely people would want to stay in touch with loved ones when they're feeling up to it. There seemed to be so many surgeries and urgent scans it got a bit ridiculous!

Definitely I hope it is nothing to do with me. Having a strapline such as "my ex faked cancer to get away from me" in my dating profile probably won't go down the best

 

[HelloStereo]

Some men are professionals at getting you hooked in that you’ll be blind to their lies. I’ve been there

Yeah I think this is it. And you want to believe it even though you know it's implausible because you have this image in your head of what they're like and they definitely wouldn't do something like that.

From outsiders looking in with no emotions in it it's so obvious it's not true. But when you're in that situation and it's someone you care about your judgement can be clouded.

 

[HelloStereo]

The photo thing crossed my mind but I’m sure you would get an excuse.

Yeah, like "he doesn't want you to see him sick" or something.