Lying about cancer?!

[WhatABore]

It's surprising how many people think it's okay to lie about cancer!
I dated a guy (who had a girlfriend I didn't know about) once I found out, I blocked him on everything.
He kept making fake profiles telling me he needed to talk to me because he had cancer and they didn't think he'd make it to his birthday a couple of months away.
I ignored them all
I'm now friends with his girlfriend, well, now ex girlfriend.
And we've talked about him quite a bit and she's confirmed all the things I thought were lies basically everything he told me about himself.

Awkward thing is now though, my Cousins MIL is now this guys Step Mum and he lives with her
It's not even like they live in the same area either.
My Cousin lives where I grew up and my family is, over an hour away, and this guy lives where I live now

 

[TheGlossy]

It’s very telling he didn’t even mention what type of cancer he supposedly has. It’s the most basic information. I guess he did not want to tell you a fabricated cancer type so you wouldn’t go around Googling every treatment step he claims he’s undergoing to compare with the real treatment information one can find online. He’s keeping quiet about this to make up his story and amplify it as he goes.

 

[Monkeymagic85]

Definitely lying, not to sound too morbid but if he’s terminal, he wouldn’t be taking up a precious hospital bed, he would either be in a hospice receiving palliative care or at home with palliative nurses coming in to administer morphine.

Block and don’t look back

 

[Snippysnips]

No he's in an NHS hospital apparently. He's been in permanently for a few months now. In that time he's had radiotherapy, chemo + radiotherapy combined and another round of chemo, plus surgeries. So three rounds in two-ish months? I don't know it seems a lot.

Maybe that's why he never invited me down though. I sort of what to see how this ends up. Surely in the end he either has to come clean?

Sometimes they never do though, they just ghost an move onto someone else who will buy the stories

I know all hospitals are different but that's the first I've heard of someone being kept in, I've had family an friends (one even being similar as to having to have a hernia removed down below because of cancer) an none of them have ever been kept in hospital despite having to go in an out constantly for chemo both for treating an surviving an also treating to prolong life a bit for terminal cancer, they get put on bed rest but they don't stay in

 

[cantthinkofaname2]

Just glad you’re ok HS

 

[cantthinkofaname2]

Reverse search his images, they’ve probably been used elsewhere

I’d personally be running a mile and blocking on all platforms, but I also understand the curiosity

 

[TheGlossy]

Apparently T said he wanted me to know everything so I guess his brother feels obliged to update me.

I was thinking of saying something like I need to move on etc to see what he says. When he first got back in touch he was asking if I had a message for T, and I just said tell him I miss him and am thinking of him. And the brother got sort of annoyed and was saying how he doesn't want to play with T's feelings and then after saying T was sad as he thought I'd moved on. I do wonder what they'd do I'd I said I had.

You don’t. You just disappear. If you tell them you’re moving on, the emotional blackmail will get worse and you don’t know these people. They could be dangerous.

Emotional blackmail and guilt tripping is a huge component in such stories.

 

[HelloStereo]

Without going into detail, I know someone who did something virtually identical in his youth, to the point that I’m nervous he may be T and having a resurgence. The person you’re speaking to is either in a relationship, or keeping you on the back burner whilst they look for one. I recognise the behaviour. My friend isn’t evil, he has ADHD and addiction problems, he saw his stint on dating sites as like playing the sims, a game to keep his brain in dopamine stocks, compliments and care from other women, an intricate story to keep him on his toes. He had no interest in meeting in person as he had a fiancée at home, but he struggled with asserting himself and started to create dramatic lies to cancel or avoid meeting, cancer and broken bones, or funerals were frequent reasons.

Morally, it’s horrible to contemplate to the average person, but addiction rarely has morals. T needs a therapist, as whatever their reasoning for the drama it’s unfair for it to take a toll on you and your mental health.

If you’re looking for a way to find evidence to prove things are false so that you can leave with a clear conscience, forensically note down the bullet points you know, and try to disprove them, for example:

-which hospital is he staying at? Call the ward and ask to leave him a message

-you looked up T, but how about the brother? Or the wife?

-what do you know about his job? Any mention of a company you could call to offer to send flowers?

-any social media usernames or email addresses you’re aware of? People usually use repetition, chances are their usernames span across multiple sites

-do you still have their dating site link? Is it still active? Places like pof usually show if they’re online

-try to get the “brother” talking about happier times, recanting tales from their youth, get details on other siblings, parents names, where they grew up, which school etc, all useful for searching social media

I’ve unfortunately experienced life in your shoes and fully understand the need to check, as it’s horrible to think you could be that person who abandons a cancer patient. The only thing I can think of to say, is that if he wanted your support, you’d be by his bedside. If you feel too awful about cutting them off fully, try to distance yourself, take longer to answer or mute the conversation and archive so you don’t see notifications, if this is all for a dopamine hit and they spot that you’re pulling away you’ll soon be hit by another crisis, which is evidence in itself that it’s all made up. Ultimately, he’s choosing to keep you at a distance, no matter what the cause may be

Thank you for this. I have blocked them out of my life so I'm not sure about questioning them, but I did do some of your suggestions already. When I met him he said he doesn't really use social media, and I couldn't find any accounts associated with his number, nor his brother's and I don't know his wife's name to check. I did ask about sending a gift / card but was told the hospital was strict about it, but they didn't say which hospital it was. We met in my city as he goes there for work every now and then, I don't think he has any dating profiles.

Like you said, if he wanted me there I guess I would be at hospital with him. I think cutting them out is easier for me than trying to distance myself though, I find I am often all or nothing

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Thank you, I thought so - it seemed like a lot of treatment he had for such a dire prognosis! They were very vague about treatment and whether it was curative or palliative - probably the fewer details they give the easier the lie is to keep up.

I don't even know what hospital he is in to call or his last name. I don't know much detail about him at all in terms of things like that.

Again that could be deliberate, if I knew his last name it would be much easier to look him up or enquire after him!

I’m still trying to get my head around you were dating someone and didn’t know their last name !!

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Also, the bit about him being married - we don’t know the guy’s age range. If he’s in his early to mid twenties, it seems unlikely he’s doing this to hide he’s married.

He’s probably just a psychopath

 

[D2them]

I'm glad to hear you blocked this person @HelloStereo. I've only just seen this thread and haven't read through all ten pages, but even from your first post, it's obvious to me that T and his brother are the same person and he's telling you a pack of lies! (Finding a lump and going to hospital for a scan that same night? Yeah right!)

This will be about money in the end - even if it doesn't seem that way now (T will need treatment that is only available in America etc) and I'm glad you walked away before things reached that point.

Have you ever heard of the podcast Sweet Bobby? That's what I thought of when I read your post. Scary how out of control these things can get when people keep believing the lies!

I'm listening to Sweet Bobby now. My mind is officially blown

 

[HelloStereo]

Why can’t men just be honest and say it’s over? Definitely makes me not want to start dating again anytime soon

It's just a condition of being a man - be a total fuckwit

 

[Clickbait]

I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone but it was such a horrible experience.

He lied about both names I found out. He is married and used his son's name as the guy i thought he was initially and his other son's name as the guy I was dating's "brother".

What is scary is that he was saying to see the guy I was dating the hospital would need visitor details such as a full name and address and that i could provide this to the hospital or he would happily pass it on. I didnt and would never have given him the details but it adds an extra later of sinister to it that he spun this massive lie and would have then known where I lived...

How did you find out he was married and used his kids’ names? What a complete fantasist. There are some strange people who walk among us.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Thank you for this. I have blocked them out of my life so I'm not sure about questioning them, but I did do some of your suggestions already. When I met him he said he doesn't really use social media, and I couldn't find any accounts associated with his number, nor his brother's and I don't know his wife's name to check. I did ask about sending a gift / card but was told the hospital was strict about it, but they didn't say which hospital it was. We met in my city as he goes there for work every now and then, I don't think he has any dating profiles.

Like you said, if he wanted me there I guess I would be at hospital with him. I think cutting them out is easier for me than trying to distance myself though, I find I am often all or nothing

This person isn’t worth the effort of a search

 

[TheGlossy]

I've dated quite a few people where I didn't know their last name. If I meet them out and about it's not something I'd ask and it just didn't come up in conversation I guess . I never thought something like this would happen where having their last name would be helpful for looking them up.

It depends on how long you’ve been dating though. I don’t expect to know your last name on the first date, but after a few dates, I think it’s a requirement for your own safety. OP has know this person since June, I’d expect her to know his last name by now.

 

[JSK90]

The thing is as well, that you cannot even be certain that his first name is his real first name if he hasn't given any other details and you can't find him on social media with his phone number. He could just have plucked a name out of thin air.

I just want to check if when you met this guy after work did he have any gold teeth or was super flashy?

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

You poor thing, what a horrible situation for you to be caught up in. I can totally understand why it's plaguing you though, I'd need answers!

Sadly though, I don't think your're going to get them. I think the replies have covered all bases really but for what it's worth, these are my thoughts:

He isn't unwell or in hospital. The brother is him.

He could be married and has created some ludicrous scenario to get out of it but I'm not so sure. There are easier ways to stop contacting someone. Especially as my suspicion is that he's using burner phones so be could have just got rid of the phone.

He's clearly got some problems and should be avoided. I'm not sure money is the motive, probably more a need for attention.

As others have said, it's a new year tomorrow. As frustrating as it, if you feel able to, leave him in 2023. Block him. You deserve better.

If it helps, you're not the first to be caught up in something like this. A similar thing happened to a friend of mine nearly 20 years ago. The bloke went MIA for a couple of weeks then randomly appeared again and announced he had cancer and was having chemo. His story came complete with shaved head and eyebrows but his eyelashes were still there. He went on to describe various other ludicrous, non illness related, fantasy happenings in his life.

It gave us all quite a laugh aside from the fact he knew where she lived. He did eventually go away thankfully

I hope you meet someone wonderful in 2023.

 

[IGiveUp22]

If he’s got a wife he 100% lies to her about absolutely everything as well

 

[IGiveUp22]

Jesus this is mental. What did he lie about re family members?! I’m invested now. Sorry you went through this x

Honestly I’m actually thinking of writing a book! So he lied about where they lived, their numbers & I think even pretended to be his brother at one point as in he told me it was his brothers number but I actually think it was him. He’d send me screenshots of messages that were faked. He’d have a weird app on his phone that scheduled phone cals & he’d have a full blown conversation often “backing up” something I’d just questioned so even when I still didn’t believe him I felt I couldn’t continue to say it was lies.
on one occasion, he asked me to drive him to his ex-partners house so he could drop off child maintenance money (yes I feel extremely sorry for his kids) & I felt a bit uncomfortable so I didn’t drive into the actual street (it was like a dead end off another street) so I let him out & turned the car around. He came from a house & said “oh I posted it as she wasn’t in”…I found out 6 months after we split she never even lived in that house/near it & he doesn’t pay her anything literally his entire life was one big lie. It’s crazy.
Im thankful for covid as it allowed me to escape but it was hell went I ended things, my mum was convinced he was going to try hurt me. I’ve been contacted since2020 by 4 other women. There was also 1 before me too. Did the same to them - lied/got money out of them & he’d clearly watched tinder swindler as he used 1 girls money to pay for a hotel with another girl!!
Sadly,I know he’s on dating sites now, likely doing the same to someone else & as I said, he police weren’t interested despite him stealing from 3 of us, controlling & coercive behaviour & harassment, etc & I reckon this won’t be the last I ever hear about him.
You learn don’t you, but believe me, I beat myself up (still do sometimes) for allowing it or not questioning things sooner. you just don’t think these people are actually out there!

 

[HelloStereo]

i mean, he knew there was no way he could realistically get them

unless he would have been like leave the presents in this safety deposit box in the trunk of an old oak tree at midnight don’t wait around my brother i will pick them up later.

This is about as plausible as the rest of the story though. "Hospital only accepts gifts from X location, you can't post them to the hospital directly as they have to be scanned for germs. Presents of a value exceeding 100GBP only".

He’s not in hospital to get them

Probably the smallest flaw in the entire plan.