Lying about cancer?!

[Tabitha]

Hi lovely, I’ve been in a similar situation. Reading the first post was like gong back to that time.
I don’t want to give too much away but I was the wife. We were together for over a decade (no kids thankfully). He cheated and from there on built a second life… in another country with another woman (flying between the 2 every week). For years.

It wasn’t sex or money. He was desperate to keep both relationships/lives going. When things were going bad in one, he’d find comfort in the other. Both facades meant absolutely everything to him and he was scared to lose either so went to huge lengths to keep them up. It’s utterly crazy I know.

I would have given anything for someone to have told me. I could have made a clear decision on my future based on fact and not on guessing. I would not have wasted the last of my 20s on him. On finding secret phones, accounts, crying everyday because I knew something was wrong but didn’t know what (and this lasted 3 entire years). He was a master liar and came up with an excuse instantly. Very intelligent and charming. Even my parents and his therapist believed him.
Of course, you have better judgement of the situation than anyone else.

And yes, I did sell my story but only got a few hundred out of it haha

 

[LaBlonde]

He’s probably just a psychopath

i honestly want to steal this for the next title of the dating thread

 

[Miss Lulupops]

Maybe. I just saw it as being unassuming. When he said that at least I didn't get red flags like I do with the rest of it. Maybe it was said for me to think a certain way though. Just like when they say "I'm not like other men. I wouldn't do that."

I agree it is probably not the person who is super flash who would come up with this story for sympathy.



Thank you, it is helpful to hear from someone with a medical background on what the procedures are, sometimes not knowing you just go along with what they're saying..but it did seem very quick . He had biopsies done on a Tuesday and on the Friday when he went in for the results he was admitted for emergency surgery..there seemed to be a lot of that and it moved so quickly..the first time was before they knew it had spread or was causing pain too.

I searched on Facebook using a location I thought he might be in from the vague information he gave and his first name.. also just from the mobile number but neither came up with anything.

In seven weeks his brother said he had a round of radiotherapy, a round of radiotherapy and chemotherapy and then a round of chemotherapy. Like you said they're harsh treatments and it seems like so much.

Fair enough regarding the Facebook thing, I misunderstood.

And it can absolutely be daunting when you don't know the medical jargon behind things just the same as I wouldn't know if I was being lied to of someone got taken in for heart disease or kidney failure etc. BUT even if I didn't know the medical liklihood of it all, the fact you don't know his name, where he lives, and even the fact he's not on his phone in hospital. Very very dubious. I've known many ill people that are still able to use their phones. My Dad in 70s was able to text after his cancer operations to let us know he was out of surgery and recovering.

It's all nonsense and you seem nice. Run away fast.

 

[cee-bee]

Honestly this sounds like total fantasy being spun to you.

my aunt dated a guy a few years ago when she was in her 50s. He’d contacted her on social media because he’d gone to school with her apparently, not that she could remember him.

his last name wasn’t on his social media profile and he spun a big story about how he had to travel a lot for work, spoke about his big house in Surrey, about how he paid for his grown daughters bills. He told her he was going to take her on these exotic holidays.

he’d stay at hers for a few days which always somehow turned into a few weeks without her ever agreeing to that.

he’d arrange dinners with his family that would be cancelled at the last minute. He’d be called into “work” when my aunt started asking questions about these holidays he’d booked for them.

if you’re having to post on here with your doubts then you already know the answer.

people lie and fabricate. You’re not the first and you’ll definitely not be the last.

Sounds like your boyfriend wanted the attention perhaps. In the case of my aunt, I’m pretty sure the guy was a homeless truck driver who leeched off women around the country while indulging in some fantasy lie that he owned a mansion in Surrey and could afford to pay off his daughters bills.

always trust your gut instinct.

 

[shadowcat5]

Some men are professionals at getting you hooked in that you’ll be blind to their lies. I’ve been there

the Tinder Swindler on Netflix is proof of that. What a wild ride that was

 

[HelloStereo]

At this point, id just ask outright what he/they're playing at because its clearly bullshit!

It is clearly not true but I have accepted also even if I confront them on their lies and ask outright they'd probably just spin another tale. Like others said it is probably easier to let it go than find answers because I'm probably not going to know either way

 

[LaBlonde]

I can't believe he didn't even try and get presents out of this massive lie!

i mean, he knew there was no way he could realistically get them

unless he would have been like leave the presents in this safety deposit box in the trunk of an old oak tree at midnight don’t wait around my brother i will pick them up later.

 

[Purrrrrrr]

I have been on forums and groups for years and hear this story and others like it over and over. Someone posts they have been feeling ill and then suddenly stop posting then a relative logs in on their account to say they died. Then they read the thread relishing all those posts about them and how lovely they were and how missed they will be.

Sorry you got caught up in someone else's fantasy.

 

[Gymhoned]

On a serious note i would absolutely not start playing games back. You will never shake him off and you dont need this person in your life. Im sure you are a very kind good natured person so you want to make sure hes ok but no. Stop. Please, a man wouldnt tolerate this from a woman so why do you?

 

[Louber]

I don't believe for a second that this is genuine. Not sure what the motive is. Possibly he just enjoys the attention. It might have started out as a genuine connection, I agree with others who say he's probably married and that the brother is just him all along. For whatever reason things changed and he had to come up with a cock and bull cancer story to keep you hanging on.

Obviously you should probably just block and move on.. I personally would be dying to know the truth or the near truth anyway. Would you think about trying to draw him out a bit? If me I'd want to know more... I'd start telling the "brother" that you've met somebody else.. that you've seen each other a good few times and it is developing into something meaningful. That the situation is all a bit confusing and you're not sure where your heart lies... blah blah blah... that you haven't seen the sick lad in so long now that it's hard to keep the candle burning and part of you just wants to move on. Then see what the response is like. He either tells u fair enough, you should move on as the bro is 1 foot in the grave or he becomes desperate to "keep" you. Like why the hell would the brother of a guy u were having a casual relationship with be keeping in such detailed contact with you, who he has never met.. surely if it's all true, the last thing he'd want is to be updating a random?

 

[HelloStereo]

You poor thing, what a horrible experience. Thankfully not everyone is like that out there but definitely take a step back until you feel happier in yourself having just lost my MiL to cancer I’ll happily find him and rip his arms off so I have something to hit him with.

It is such a horrible disease, I lost an ex's mum to it in my early 20s and saw how much she and her family suffered. It is sick that people would lie about it, it makes an utter mockery of the people who are going through it as it is utterly awful.

I hope you and your partner are okay
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How did you find out he was married and used his kids’ names? What a complete fantasist. There are some strange people who walk among us.

Because from his tiktok I found someone who looked like his wife from the whatsapp pic (it was blurry on whatsapp but she was quite a tall brunette and i am ashamed to say i checked a lot of his followers on facebook if they had names attached to their profiles). Curiosity and a slow day made me look them up on Facebook. They have two kids with the names he used for the guy I was dating and his brother.

I knew the "brother" was married already. But the details about him matched exactly with the person I was dating (minus the wife, kids etc). But the location / job etc was the same. Also the "brother" doesn't have a brother called "T" (the one I was dating). He does have a brother but with a different name.
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My friends were saying I should write a book about my dating experiences and I just might. There have been a few utterly mind boggling experiences but none like this . May as well make some cash from the brain ache.

 

[HelloStereo]

Happy new year to everyone in this thread

 

[Snippysnips]

It's only been a few months, honestly I'd move on, if someone was hiding things like their last name, where they lived an who they worked for etc I'd have said forget it an left then

I don't know if the cancer is true or not but the games he is playing with this all disappearing an not being honest really isn't worth it, it would he hard to walk away if you had been together for years an all this happened, so it's best to do it now and get over it rather than it happen again years down the line

 

[Calabria]

I’m so glad you have walked away.

a friend of mine was in a situation similar to this with a man she’d been dating, he started lying about having cancer and other transmissible illnesses. Then he started stalking her beating her and the Police had to get involved. Unfortunately before the Police could do anything she was dead by her own hands.
Months later he took his own life.

There are some fucked up people in this world. Before what happened to my friend I’d have been an advocate for telling the wife. Now I would say block, delete, move on. You don’t know what sort of unhinged weirdo you’re dealing with.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Thank you, it's all such a mindf*ck! I was really sad at first and then I got more and more details and started to doubt the story more and more, especially the no card / gift thing and him not wanting to see me in hospital. He said he had to sneak in a charger when I asked about sending a card. It just seemed so utterly farfetched as you say, surely people would want to stay in touch with loved ones when they're feeling up to it. There seemed to be so many surgeries and urgent scans it got a bit ridiculous!

Definitely I hope it is nothing to do with me. Having a strapline such as "my ex faked cancer to get away from me" in my dating profile probably won't go down the best

Pls don’t think it’s anything you’ve done. This person sounds like they get kicks out of this sort of thing. I can bet it won’t be the first or last time they will do it. Pls block him. I wouldn’t even bother with a farewell msg. Please listen to the medical professionals that have commented saying no one gets all that chemo/ surgery / sedation. New year means new man. Leave the old behind. He isn’t worth it.

 

[HelloStereo]

It’s been 6 months…You’re just torturing yourself doing all this archive digging and contemplating whether you should tell the wife.

Yeah I think it's because I still had those messages saved on my phone and I already knew her name. It wasn't much digging- her account is her name and there was one tweet with a reply.

I felt guilty that she would be oblivious to his actions before - I don't feel upset about him / what he did to me any more.
---

You have a good heart for thinking about her welfare, and I’m glad you have a resolution. It’s horrible how often these things happen now

I didn't want to do it how the other person did - there are screenshots upon screenshots of the mucky messages he's sent someone else - all for the world to see
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Sorry but apart from this debacle - actually going on a date date with someone who has like me for about 8 years . He's definitely not married and is who he says he is, and is more local and makes me laugh. I told him I might be a bit guarded because of this situation and he said if it makes me feel any better he's in full health .

 

[HelloStereo]

Wow. What is wrong with people. I don’t understand why he’d go through all that. It’s sick to lie about cancer. Sick to string you along and lie so much. Not sure what has gone on in his head to actually do this !!
That last bit is wise. I could imagine it would be so hard to trust a person again! Hope you’re ok

Especially for so long. And he'd text long essays quite a bit throughout the day and text almost every day. Makes you wonder what they had to gain from it as it seems like a waste of time on both our ends now. It is an awful thing to lie about and makes a mockery of all the people who genuinely have cancer.

I'm okay, it feels like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders now I have that bit of information and an answer. It will just take a while for me to build trust in people, I know I will get so anxious if they don't reply for a bit. Thank you for your comment though

 

[I'm not a robot]

Oh my darling girl, what a horrible experience for you.
I am a medic in the Southwest, and agree with what @Miss Lulupops said. The 2 week wait is the standard method of diagnosing most cancers. Occasionally it can be diagnosed as a result of an A and E visit, but only if the original presenting condition (lump in groin) warranted immediate scans/ultrasound. The rest of the description re sedation, treatment etc, sounds highly unlikely too.
As part of my role I have visited nearly every hospital in the Southwest and they all now allow gifts and cards. Flowers, as you say, vary from ward to ward.
The part that absolutely tells me that this story is highly suspicious (although elements may be true) is the bit about the phone charger having to be sneaked in. Complete and utter bullshit! Nearly every patient I see (including lots in their 90's) has some form of mobile, even if it is an old brick type phone. I have never known of a single ward who wouldn't allow a charger. Applying a logical thought process, why would his phone be openly by his side, but not allow a charger.
I have no advice re how to deal with this, but hope that you are able to move on and see that this has nothing to do with you as a person, and is completely the result of someone else being deceitful and probably deranged.

 

[Snippysnips]

Yeah it was only a few months. It was quite intense though, he kept inviting me away on holiday and professing his feelings for me. I know it hadn't been long but if it was true I still wanted to be there for him. He wasn't really hiding his last name or where he worked, it just didn't come up. I don't think he knows my last name or where I work until recently.

I had a brief thought his brother might be him haha. His brother's whatsapp picture shows him with a wife but it is taken from far away and he's wearing a cap so I can't see his face properly, but he has emojis for his status which are the same as T's. I always wondered if there was trouble at home and he had a brief fling with me and then went back to his wife .

It could definitely be he has a wife or gf an this is his way of trying to go between you both since I assume if he does have another half he probably tells them he works away from home for so long

You don't need to answer but had money ever been mentioned? Could this be a set up to guilt you into paying for medical bills that won't exist?

If money ever does come up then definitely red flags an you need to get out

 

[Be More Pacific]

You have had some very supportive comments on this thread.

My only response would be that if you're in your 30's and there's even 1% of you that thinks that even 1% of this *may* be true then genuinely, I can't be of service here.