Lying about cancer?!

[strawberrysunshine_x]

i honestly want to steal this for the next title of the dating thread

Feel free

 

[HelloStereo]

It's surprising how many people think it's okay to lie about cancer!
I dated a guy (who had a girlfriend I didn't know about) once I found out, I blocked him on everything.
He kept making fake profiles telling me he needed to talk to me because he had cancer and they didn't think he'd make it to his birthday a couple of months away.
I ignored them all
I'm now friends with his girlfriend, well, now ex girlfriend.
And we've talked about him quite a bit and she's confirmed all the things I thought were lies basically everything he told me about himself.

Awkward thing is now though, my Cousins MIL is now this guys Step Mum and he lives with her
It's not even like they live in the same area either.
My Cousin lives where I grew up and my family is, over an hour away, and this guy lives where I live now

Like if you did end up talking to him how would he get out of it? Miraculously get better?!

Honestly I’m actually thinking of writing a book! So he lied about where they lived, their numbers & I think even pretended to be his brother at one point as in he told me it was his brothers number but I actually think it was him. He’d send me screenshots of messages that were faked. He’d have a weird app on his phone that scheduled phone cals & he’d have a full blown conversation often “backing up” something I’d just questioned so even when I still didn’t believe him I felt I couldn’t continue to say it was lies.
on one occasion, he asked me to drive him to his ex-partners house so he could drop off child maintenance money (yes I feel extremely sorry for his kids) & I felt a bit uncomfortable so I didn’t drive into the actual street (it was like a dead end off another street) so I let him out & turned the car around. He came from a house & said “oh I posted it as she wasn’t in”…I found out 6 months after we split she never even lived in that house/near it & he doesn’t pay her anything literally his entire life was one big lie. It’s crazy.
Im thankful for covid as it allowed me to escape but it was hell went I ended things, my mum was convinced he was going to try hurt me. I’ve been contacted since2020 by 4 other women. There was also 1 before me too. Did the same to them - lied/got money out of them & he’d clearly watched tinder swindler as he used 1 girls money to pay for a hotel with another girl!!
Sadly,I know he’s on dating sites now, likely doing the same to someone else & as I said, he police weren’t interested despite him stealing from 3 of us, controlling & coercive behaviour & harassment, etc & I reckon this won’t be the last I ever hear about him.
You learn don’t you, but believe me, I beat myself up (still do sometimes) for allowing it or not questioning things sooner. you just don’t think these people are actually out there!

That's it. You don't question it so much at first because you don't think they'd lie about something like that and also if they don't want to think about it you don't want to bring it up and be like "so what about your cancer then?"

It was only after some fishy details such as not being allowed to send a card/ see him etc I thought that something wasn't right.

 

[Imjusta_Teenage_Dirtbag]

Haha jokes on him I have no money



Yeah maybe he thought it was kinder to make that sort of excuse? It just seems like a lot of effort!

Christ knows, prob best not to wonder what goes through a teenage boys head way too much effort for my liking and a pretty lucky escape for my mate if you ask me!! But at least you know you’re not the only one these morons BS to…..and more than likely a lucky escape for you too! X

 

[laughing]

How many dates did you go on?

Did you have sex?

 

[JSK90]

I sort of worry what might happen if I agree to visit him at his house and someone comes along to pick me up claiming to be his brother, that seems unsafe.



I have spoken to T twice when he has been better and not sedated and he said he'd have understood if I had moved on. But the curiosity just meant I wasn't really thinking about other dates just yet.







His name doesn't begin with T I just used it for some anonymity. He lives in the south west of England though his "brother" lives in South Yorkshire....

Ahh ok.. it's the most minute chance that I could know who this person is but your post just struck a chord, probably with you choosing the pseudonym of T. I can't for the life of me figure out how to send a private message on this site. It's likely not the same person anyway. I hope you figure it all out!

 

[HelloStereo]

I’m afraid I think this is all a complete fabrication. As for why - it may be that he is already in a relationship but had time in the early days to spend with you, possibly working away from home and staying in a hotel hence you not seeing where he lived or being invited there.

It could be he’s just a weirdo who likes to string women along with wild stories. Some people get a thrill out of lying and getting others to believe them. It might be an elaborate con.

There are just too many plot holes and inconsistencies in his story. If you’re telling the truth you don’t need a good memory. My fear is that he is doing this to multiple women hence not being able to remember exactly what has been said.

Medically speaking, hospital beds are at a premium particularly in Winter so if he was able to be at home with family support that would be preferable for both him as the patient and the hospital. Either his diagnosis is terminal or it isn’t. It could be it is terminal but he can have treatment to prolong his life. Perhaps you just need to be blunt and ask whether that is the case.

I think you are a little over-invested for such a short time, but it seems you’ve been dragged into a strange game and feel bad for doubting him. It’s rather like men claiming family illnesses or dead grandparents when they’re trying to keep a door open for the future - they say things that are hard to question or be angry about.

Either step away from contact and see what he does, or challenge him with some direct questions to try and establish authenticity.

I think these are my thoughts. There are lots of plot holes and like you say, if you're telling the truth you don't need to remember what lies you have told and your story is consistent.

I feel like I want to ask questions to see what's going on or confirm that he's lying and need to ask about whether the diagnosis is terminal. What I got from them was "the outlook is poor but it's not final" which doesn't really mean anything. Poor as in it's not curable or poor as in he's going to die within months?

I agree about being overinvested. I don't think I would be so much if he hadn't talked about the cancer. Having someone then say things like "he only smiles when he talks about you" just seems like a way to emotionally manipulate someone but it did work a bit.

You have had some very supportive comments on this thread.

My only response would be that if you're in your 30's and there's even 1% of you that thinks that even 1% of this *may* be true then genuinely, I can't be of service here.

Haha this is true I think I can be a little naive at times. It's one of those things where you know people lie about it but you don't realise how common it is or that it'll happen to you.

 

[HelloStereo]

Have you tried performing a Google search on any of his pictures or his brother’s?

Yeah I screenshotted both pictures and did a reverse image search. It just came up with similar shirts to the one he was wearing, and his brother's just came up with similar landscapes.

 

[HelloStereo]

He’s lying, I’m sorry to say but I have no doubt he is. He’s either got a wife/girlfriend already or he’s just a weirdo. Ask him questions about his treatment plan and clinical pathway, and who his consultant is.

I wish I knew more medical terms so I could be direct and know what to ask . He told me he had radiotherapy, chemo + radiotherapy combined and then chemo. He had to have another operation last week apparently because the tumour changed shape and was pressing on the spinal cord. Then he said they would take a break for Christmas and look at the effectiveness of surgery before deciding what to do next...

I don't know if this is plausible.

 

[HelloStereo]

How many dates did you go on?

Did you have sex?

About 15, once or so a week.

Yeah I would stay at his hotel and he stayed over mine a few times.

 

[HelloStereo]

I’m still trying to get my head around you were dating someone and didn’t know their last name !!

I've dated quite a few people where I didn't know their last name. If I meet them out and about it's not something I'd ask and it just didn't come up in conversation I guess . I never thought something like this would happen where having their last name would be helpful for looking them up.

 

[HelloStereo]

You don’t. You just disappear. If you tell them you’re moving on, the emotional blackmail will get worse and you don’t these people. They could be dangerous.

I sort of worry what might happen if I agree to visit him at his house and someone comes along to pick me up claiming to be his brother, that seems unsafe.

I have spoken to T twice when he has been better and not sedated and he said he'd have understood if I had moved on. But the curiosity just meant I wasn't really thinking about other dates just yet.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this mindf*ck situation but it does sound like it's all a load of compulsive lies to get whatever sicko attention this guy feels he wants from you.

I know this is probably a long shot but it's just with you shortening his name to T and the story .. I don't suppose this person is located anywhere at all in South Yorkshire?

His name doesn't begin with T I just used it for some anonymity. He lives in the south west of England though his "brother" lives in South Yorkshire....

 

[HelloStereo]

Watch “The Girlfriend who didn’t exist” on Netflix. It’s about this poor college football player who got catfished in a similar way and it ruined his whole career. The story was quite big in the day (2009-2013 circa). I still remember how huge it was.

I think I remember that? Didn't they get prison time?

I'm not sure if catfishing in the UK is a crime - I looked it up because some friends said I should report him.

 

[HelloStereo]

This story reads a lot like many other fabricated cancer stories out there. The big red flags:
- You’re dating but you don’t know where he works or lives
- His brother texted you from his phone (this seems to be a reoccurring theme with fabricated stories - a third party always pops in acting on behalf of the person).
- If you follow cancer stories, surgery doesn’t happen that quickly. There process is more complex than “we need to operate immediately”.

Perhaps I assumed the best in people, I don't see what there is to gain from lying about cancer, but this is so weird and there are such red flags as you say. Like having emergency surgeries twice, going in for scans on a lump in the groin overnight in hospital? Also his brother texting me off his phone at 11pm and then in the next breath saying the phone is always by his bedside.

I just feel so awful if there is a smidgen of truth that I am just walking away. I didn't know if there is a way to get more detail to really know what's going on.

 

[HelloStereo]

You said previously he's already stayed at your house so he already knows where you live?

He doesn't know my exact address. I took him to my house once when we were drunk but he doesn't know where i live well so he wouldn't have known where he was.

 

[HelloStereo]

It depends on how long you’ve been dating though. I don’t expect to know your last name on the first date, but after a few dates, I think it’s a requirement for your own safety.

If people have bad intentions what's to stop them from lying about their last name though?

 

[HelloStereo]

Just from the first paragraph huge red alarm bells are ringing. I think you are someone he hooks up with while away from home and he’s making ridiculous excuses to get out of it. The whole situation is bizarre.

Maybe but it didn't really feel like that at first. Whenever we weren't together we were always talking throughout the day and I've seen bits of his house and there wasn't any evidence of other people living there. It could be him and his mrs was on a break though. We would meet after work in my city, and then over the summer he went on a few holidays by himself (he says) so we didn't have long to plan for me to go to his.

 

[HelloStereo]

A super flashy guy wouldn’t come up with a cancer story. It’s generally the unsuspecting boy next door that do.

The fact he said “I’d just be delighted if you said you wanted to see me again” shows he’s a bit insecure which is a red flag and a give away. It sounds desperate.

Maybe. I just saw it as being unassuming. When he said that at least I didn't get red flags like I do with the rest of it. Maybe it was said for me to think a certain way though. Just like when they say "I'm not like other men. I wouldn't do that."

I agree it is probably not the person who is super flash who would come up with this story for sympathy.

Without giving too much away about myself, I work in the cancer department at a hospital.
You need to see a GP. You get referred on a 2 Week Wait. There are exceptions to the rule but the NHS have an aim of seeing somebody with suspected cancer within two weeks.
When they give you that appointment, it is only then they will discuss next treatment plans whether that is a CT scan, biopsy, colonoscopy etc. The waiting lists for CT scans especially are extremely high and in a lot of cases people need blood test results back before they can have a scan so the consultant can have all the information possible to give an accurate account on if there is cancer.
There is then a 72 day guideline to make sure people that people who have been referred have had their first appointment, tests, follow up appointments and their first treatments and operations.
You also would not have an operation straight away unless the cancer was causing such serious complications that you are admitted to A and E and they operate then. They try to get you in quick for an operation if needed but waiting times are different for each department and they like to prepare you that you are having an op and you will often need other tests done before this so you will usually have a few weeks before any op takes place unless as I stated, it is an emergency incident.
Obviously this can vary. 72 days tends to be the max.
It is also very unlikely he had radiotherapy and chemo and then chemo or whatever it is you were saying. Both are very very invasive treatments. And it is likely (not in all cases before anyone comes at me!) that a consultant would only want to treat you with one at a time. Chemo and radiotherapy together at the same time is rare although can be done.

As another poster mentioned, the bed crisis is very real. If he is terminal, they will send him to hospice or home and he will only be on treatment to prolong his life. Usually with terminal the aim would be to make him more comfortable so unlikely they would be throwing loads of chemo and radiotherapy at him.

If he is not terminal, he will 100 percent be an outpatient.

So in short, he's lying to you.

I am confused that you said you searched him on Facebook as I thought you didn't know his last name.

But to be blunt, with the information I know about cancer through work and people in my personal life suffering, i have no clue why you would even entertain this. I'm not trying to be rude but it couldn't be anymore obvious that he's lying.

Thank you, it is helpful to hear from someone with a medical background on what the procedures are, sometimes not knowing you just go along with what they're saying..but it did seem very quick . He had biopsies done on a Tuesday and on the Friday when he went in for the results he was admitted for emergency surgery..there seemed to be a lot of that and it moved so quickly..the first time was before they knew it had spread or was causing pain too.

I searched on Facebook using a location I thought he might be in from the vague information he gave and his first name.. also just from the mobile number but neither came up with anything.

In seven weeks his brother said he had a round of radiotherapy, a round of radiotherapy and chemotherapy and then a round of chemotherapy. Like you said they're harsh treatments and it seems like so much.

 

[HelloStereo]

The thing is as well, that you cannot even be certain that his first name is his real first name if he hasn't given any other details and you can't find him on social media with his phone number. He could just have plucked a name out of thin air.

I just want to check if when you met this guy after work did he have any gold teeth or was super flashy?

Yeah I always wonder this. Like how much do I really know?

He was normal haha. No gold teeth nor super flashy. He was always well dressed but in a modest way. Honestly he just came across as a genuinely good and nice guy. We met out and about but before out first proper date He just sent a text saying "honestly I'd just be delighted if after you said you wanted to see me again."

Until all of this it was just going well and seemed normal, no game playing or anything