This is for the Editors of
Hip Replacement Magazine ,
Bicycle Repair Man Magazine, Fake Lemons Magazine, Fassy Nating Female Magazine and all and any other never-heard of periodicals soon to be beating a pathway through the ugly, overgrown garden of their 3 storey cottage standing in woodlands. Others have pointed some of this out but it may help to consolidate it all together in one defined post…
As a self-diagnosed dyslexic and non-reader of books ( books are for listening to guys - just sayin’) we are now building the equivalent of the Bodleian Library In the damp basement. The books will love the damp and many of the books only look like books but aren’t real because they just go with the aesthetic...Zzzzz.
The woodlands became part of the borrowed view when all fences were removed ( despite all their pets needing defined boundaries for their own safety). The careful dog breeders made a twice in a lifetime exception for these two ‘ influencers’ because it was so clear they were very special people and no dog would ever venture beyond the confines of their unfenced garden. Sadly, it’s possible both dogs were farmed but many are still too upset about it to start on that merry-go-round again. No good breeder would have let a puppy go to a property without clearly defined boundaries…It starts with well fenced or walled in doesn’t it?
The garden looks like a municipal car park at Soho Farmhouse. She saw the lights there. Then she placed strategic camouflaged army personnel out on manoeuvres in the grounds. She told us they were birch trees but we knew they were beech.
Pity. The ride on mower was sold and unsuccesful wild meadow seeds were sown. Net result? Chaos. Lovely. Everyone loves empty raised beds in a kitchen garden don’t they? All that waste of a greenhouse and veg beds when they don’t actually enjoy gardening and everyone knows it. It’s all a complete facade and farce. It’s utterly pointless yet she goes on every year and still grows seeds in her kitchen because the greenhouse is too far for her to walk…How many of those seeds ever get planted outside? It’s all an act.
The world’s only curated small shed lives in this garden. All for the country life aesthetic - but that looks grim and over cluttered too.
She has an attic room she calls a vault. It’s a room in the eaves for overspill items now, no doubt, packed to the rafters. It’s not a vault at all. If an insurance company came and looked at it it would be regarded as another fire hazard. No mention of insurance during the present flood in the basement. He once gave a Ted Talk on sump pumps but no-one stayed awake long enough to benefit from it.
She can’t leave doors in place thus all the bad feng shui in the house. Leaks, potential fires, falls from grace, embarrassment, arguments and loss of finances were all predicted but she knew best. The house is top heavy with wood especially in the kitchen thus the possibility of fire.
She has a gym but never works out. He used to but has lost all his muscle weight and now suffers with high blood pressure. No acknowledgement of his birthday again this year.
The three storey cottage has an east wing and a west wing with monogrammed bedrooms no-one ever sleeps in. The east and west wings are on same level and next to the kitchen and may collect cooking smells! Ha! Cooking! There are views of walls through both small windows of these over-decorated wings/rooms.
She lost 2 bedrooms at the top of the house by turning them into 2 small dressing rooms where you can only stand up in two areas. In the rest of both rooms you have to stoop to camera.
So the three storey cottage has 3 smallish bedrooms and an overgrown garden. The basement leaks and always has despite the DIY sump pumps. It will not be healthy to breathe down there for a long time.
One powder room has never worked and never gets used so no one on basement level can use the loo or wash their hands. By now you’d have called in a plumbing expert wouldn’t you? Tish-poo - no mention of said expert. No. No expert. You see that’s the problem with 3 story cottages. The bottom storey is rendered almost un-liveable in because of the plumbing (or sad lack of it).
All this work being done in said basement will be a waste of time because neither of them read enough ( the spelling gives it away doesn’t it.) to warrant a library. Neither of them can be bothered to work out anymore and they watch films in their black (soon to be green) small sitting room. I believe he calls it a lounge. So a gym is surplus to requirements and so is a cinema room. What they both need is space to do their jobs properly without stooping to camera. Somewhere they can actually stand up and have massive useful wardrobes for all the polyester and ginger that gets conshoooomed in that 3 storey cottage in a year. Their non-existant ‘staff’ would then have to go on payroll and be seen…Hmmmm…When the tax man catches up with their staff situation there will be huge fines and a whole lot more bother caused by them believing they are above the law. Hmmm…should have left the doors on - but she knows best.
A more apt name for
The Bungalow would be
Posturing House ( not Potager House).
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I love how you use humour when writing about these two, you had me howling. I wish I could write in the same way. Maybe I should post when I not feeling so angry about what she does. 
I can t believe she ll sell it in the near future.
