The time two years ago Carrie and Ali had been busy unpacking the house whilst I bossed them about. I hadn’t been gifted a lot of furniture back then, apart from that pink chair, and the snow was holding up the possibility of deliveries. Gosh the snow! I know it was probably snowing were you were too, but not like this, not like the snow storm I had. We were definitely the worst hit. In Europe, definitely. Gusts of winds were going faster than the gifted Aston Martin, blowing us backwards as we forged the hamlet for nuts and berries. All the shops had ran out of food and people in the next hamlet over were resorting to cannibalism. Couple of times I even caught Ali eyeing up Lums like she was a plate of crisps and pasta. Thankfully he made it through and got used to being hungry. He’s got me to thank me for those cheekbones! We tried our best too wade through the snow to help clear the road out of the hamlet, but even at 5’7 and on our tippy toes we were facing the threat of being entombed like a woolly mammoth. It felt like we were moments from death. So we gave up. We bowed down to Mother Nature and her fierce temper and went back in to my barren bungalow. I have never been so cold in my life. I checked all the radiators. Nothing. Not an ounce of heat. Desperately lighting all the candles I could find, my Jo Malone wedding fragrance, I tried not to panic. Carrie got the tin foil out, Ali got the cling film and we mummified ourselves as we sat desperately around the candles. I suggested we put some classic music on to keep us calm through this storm but when Ali tried all the power went out. 2% gas. That’s all that was left. Carrie suggest we eat something with gluten so that are awful life changing intolerances would produce natural green gas and keep us warm, but I said babths you to go the dthoctor if it’s coming out gween! And anyway why would I have it in the house? I don’t eat that muck. Much. Lightening the mood I regaled my halcyon days as an international glamour girl and sang them my fav N-Dubz hits. We feel asleep and when we woke up the tinfoil/clingfilm wrap had detoxed our skin and we were looking ripped.
I should have been happy we survived, that the snow was melting, that the path was cleared, that I’d dropped 2lb, but when I woke up it dawned on me; I hadn’t filmed any of this. How could I get content, sympathy, if I didn’t show you all? I’m sorry i never told you this sooner. Please send me your sympathy now. And free things. And souls for me to feed on because they don’t have gluten.
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