Jimmi Somerville?
Liz Jones #2 Nobody puts the Myla Thong in a corner!
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one problem with it being Lulu or wee Jimmy Krankie, is that we are often reminded, whether we ever needed to know in the first place, let alone be reminded, is that the FRS has an enormous penis allegedly. All of which is moot because he doesn't exist.
Think he's gay
Yeah.. I think she laid a red herring trail for it to be Jim Kerr. Other than that it was a poorly honed fantasy which she drags out to get some relevance. I missed the early romance with the RS actually.. I’ve had to catch up recently. She claims to have had coffee with Patsy Kensit( ha ha ha!) and that his eyes glaze over at the fabulousness of her (Liz) appearance! Sorry to be crude but if she’s going to circumnavigate that massive, gargantuan appendage again in her mid sixties…without HRT.. ouch!
It’s a fairytale which she feels gives her kudos but her mind is so confused that she forgets all the previous lies.
It’s a fairytale which she feels gives her kudos but her mind is so confused that she forgets all the previous lies.
A minor detail in the face of such ravishing beauty and endearing personality.
I think Kerr must have a type, so similar!!
Oh Dear! Written 2 months ago. The FRS fantasy of piggy eyes,Glaswegian, big dick, two children and grandchildren.. two famous ex wives is definitely over. Still with Yumi, has been for 22 years.
www.irishexaminer.com
Jim Kerr of Simple Minds on Live Aid, Celtic and playing in Ireland
Now based in Sicily with his Japanese partner, the former resident of Dublin says U2 helped him find his house
www.irishexaminer.com
I wonder what complete crapfest we can expect from jug ears this week, will she still try to push the FRS fantasy or will she be back to moaning or lying about her housing situation...either way it will all be nonsense.
In Which No One Cares, Yet Again (podcast). Cut for length.
Liz opens the ep howling like a dying dog to "Take On Me" by A-Ha. Nic makes fun of the fact that Liz doesn't know any of the words except the chorus. She praises Morten Harket whose "cheekbones literally sparkled" in his heyday when the song was released. Liz thinks there is something wrong with women who don't idolise pop stars. She talks about him being interviewed on The One Show by a female presenter and "you could see (the presenter's) ovaries were exploding." Why does she insist on using this gross and faintly creepy phrase? Liz has tickets for an upcoming A-Ha gig in Scarborough, and claims she spotted Harket in a restaurant "at Cannes or something." At least we don't get a phony story about her having interviewed him.
Liz thinks her celebrity crushes, which include Marc Bolan but do not include David Bowie, have been far more satisfying than any of her real life relationships because real men "scratch their bottoms" (Liz) and are "lazy and unhelpful" (Nic.) Cue some standard man-bashing from the dreaful duo. Liz makes a sneering reference to David allegedly saying "look to yourself and your actions." She and Nic gossip about the Johnny Depp / Amber Heard trial. Liz has of course seen Kate Moss's home in person and stayed at the house from Goldeneye with Nirpal, a couple of months later Johnny and Kate stayed there and Liz swoons over the idea that they might have "sat on some of her skin cells." I wish I were making this up.
Nic says she hates domestic violence but thinks "some men need a punch." Would Liz's gay BFF Nicholas Bebb be allowed to say on the podcast that some women need a punch? If not, why is Nic allowed to say it? Liz thinks Johnny and Kate both regret ever breaking up. She and Nic both agree that David regrets breaking up with Liz ... steady on, it's not that bad. The terrible twosome whinge about Jan Moir calling Tom Cruise creepy in the Mail. Nic went to the new Top Gun movie and is in love with Tom all over again, Scientologist or no Scientologist! Liz mocks Kelly McGillis and says "maybe (Kelly) was too fat to fit on the IMAX screen." Instead, the leading lady in this movie is Jennifer Connelly who Liz is JUST LIKE. Nic kisses Liz's wrinkly arse and talks about how Liz is a combination of Connelly, Meghan Markle, etc. etc. etc.
Nic talks about her crush on Tom and again references "ovaries." Liz says "your endometriosis exploded too" - OK, that's an even more disgusting image, BRB throwing up. Nic says "no other man could deliver what I want, I want an action hero." Do you though? Presumably you wouldn't want to be constantly living in the kind of circumstances that require an action hero to save the day. Liz witches and whines about there being several articles where 20-somethings watched the original Top Gun and complained about it being sexist etc. Liz thinks women should be happy with being catcalled or having their arses slapped without permission. She says "women need fantasy, don't pretend you just want your man to go to Sainsbury's and not open doors to you." The real world is too disappointing, because it has men like David who complain that you didn't buy white pepper. This is at least the third week in a row she has complained about that.
The column! Liz reflects on "being on top" with the Rock Star and repeats that she didn't like it. She witters about preparing for her "mini-break" at the festival, calls the Rock Star her boyfriend, and says it will be the first time she has seen a man naked since before the first lockdown in 2020. She says the Rock Star made fun of her being "post-menopausal." Why is this fictional man obsessed with the menopause and HRT? Liz ponders that if she marries the Rock Star she won't need to take out a mortgage or work. She uses the phrase "a thorn in his rather ample side" which she's proud of and considers "subtle." She also thinks it would be better than her wedding to Nirpal where she had to pay for everything, again referring to "skin cells" being left in hotel rooms.
Liz rambles at length about everything that went wrong with her first wedding and honeymoon. She complains that the only thing to eat in Spain is "dried ham." She cackles for like half an hour over an antidote about how she wanted to start her own glossy magazine and Nirpal came up with the idea of calling it Clumpy. Liz concludes she can't possibly stop writing, because she's been a writer all her life and the FRS would find her boring. She can't marry a man for a house because "I'm Lizzie Jones, not Bennet." Nevertheless she is still hoping for a "yes, yes, yes!" at the festival, equating herself to Meg Ryan. And Meghan Markle, again. Meg Ryan was in the first Top Gun so it's SERENDIPITY
Liz's archive column is from the late 90s and is about her being sent on an assignment to travel to Poland with All Saints. She describes them as "a sea of monochrome in a country that was until recently so grey that its teenagers still wear primary colours." WTF?! Liz makes a jibe at Natalie Appleton who she accuses of being ignorant of the fall of the Soviet Union. She brags about her superiority in not wanting to eat at a hotel buffet because "I don't get my own food." She says that in the face of poverty, war, and the lingering shadow of Auschwitz, All Saints' hit song 'Never Ever' took on a new meaning and then adds "See, I used to be quite highbrow." Nothing is highbrow about you, Liz. Not even the brow transplants.
Liz acts over-familiar with Shaznay Lewis, complains about All Saints being untidy, and laughs at the fact they wore wigs for TV appearances. She yells "LIAM! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIAM! YOUR WIFE'S HAIR WASN'T REAL!" Nic points out it is highly unlikely Liam Gallagher is listening to the podcast, Liz thinks he might be. He was married to Nicole for quite a long time so I doubt he was totally unaware of the fact she sometimes wears a wig. While in Poland, All Saints were annoyed at a negative tabloid article and Shaznay "snarled" at Liz, demanding to know who wrote the article in question cuz "I'm gonna get 'er" and "half the article was about the Spice Girls innit." Nothing offensive there from Liz, no, no, no. She crows "this is why I'm award-winning" - what? Why are you "award-winning?" She says All Saints "will always be my friends, although I've never heard from them since."
Fan mail: There are many condolences to Nic over the death of her dog Charlie. Supposedly. Nic reads them out, sniffling and saying she believes Charlie is in doggy heaven with her other dog Zac. Well, that's nice, I guess. Liz for once doesn't ruin it except for when Nic mentions a memory of her partner running after the dog and Liz cuts in "can Martin run, then?"
Liz thinks her celebrity crushes, which include Marc Bolan but do not include David Bowie, have been far more satisfying than any of her real life relationships because real men "scratch their bottoms" (Liz) and are "lazy and unhelpful" (Nic.) Cue some standard man-bashing from the dreaful duo. Liz makes a sneering reference to David allegedly saying "look to yourself and your actions." She and Nic gossip about the Johnny Depp / Amber Heard trial. Liz has of course seen Kate Moss's home in person and stayed at the house from Goldeneye with Nirpal, a couple of months later Johnny and Kate stayed there and Liz swoons over the idea that they might have "sat on some of her skin cells." I wish I were making this up.
Nic says she hates domestic violence but thinks "some men need a punch." Would Liz's gay BFF Nicholas Bebb be allowed to say on the podcast that some women need a punch? If not, why is Nic allowed to say it? Liz thinks Johnny and Kate both regret ever breaking up. She and Nic both agree that David regrets breaking up with Liz ... steady on, it's not that bad. The terrible twosome whinge about Jan Moir calling Tom Cruise creepy in the Mail. Nic went to the new Top Gun movie and is in love with Tom all over again, Scientologist or no Scientologist! Liz mocks Kelly McGillis and says "maybe (Kelly) was too fat to fit on the IMAX screen." Instead, the leading lady in this movie is Jennifer Connelly who Liz is JUST LIKE. Nic kisses Liz's wrinkly arse and talks about how Liz is a combination of Connelly, Meghan Markle, etc. etc. etc.
Nic talks about her crush on Tom and again references "ovaries." Liz says "your endometriosis exploded too" - OK, that's an even more disgusting image, BRB throwing up. Nic says "no other man could deliver what I want, I want an action hero." Do you though? Presumably you wouldn't want to be constantly living in the kind of circumstances that require an action hero to save the day. Liz witches and whines about there being several articles where 20-somethings watched the original Top Gun and complained about it being sexist etc. Liz thinks women should be happy with being catcalled or having their arses slapped without permission. She says "women need fantasy, don't pretend you just want your man to go to Sainsbury's and not open doors to you." The real world is too disappointing, because it has men like David who complain that you didn't buy white pepper. This is at least the third week in a row she has complained about that.
The column! Liz reflects on "being on top" with the Rock Star and repeats that she didn't like it. She witters about preparing for her "mini-break" at the festival, calls the Rock Star her boyfriend, and says it will be the first time she has seen a man naked since before the first lockdown in 2020. She says the Rock Star made fun of her being "post-menopausal." Why is this fictional man obsessed with the menopause and HRT? Liz ponders that if she marries the Rock Star she won't need to take out a mortgage or work. She uses the phrase "a thorn in his rather ample side" which she's proud of and considers "subtle." She also thinks it would be better than her wedding to Nirpal where she had to pay for everything, again referring to "skin cells" being left in hotel rooms.
Liz rambles at length about everything that went wrong with her first wedding and honeymoon. She complains that the only thing to eat in Spain is "dried ham." She cackles for like half an hour over an antidote about how she wanted to start her own glossy magazine and Nirpal came up with the idea of calling it Clumpy. Liz concludes she can't possibly stop writing, because she's been a writer all her life and the FRS would find her boring. She can't marry a man for a house because "I'm Lizzie Jones, not Bennet." Nevertheless she is still hoping for a "yes, yes, yes!" at the festival, equating herself to Meg Ryan. And Meghan Markle, again. Meg Ryan was in the first Top Gun so it's SERENDIPITY
Liz's archive column is from the late 90s and is about her being sent on an assignment to travel to Poland with All Saints. She describes them as "a sea of monochrome in a country that was until recently so grey that its teenagers still wear primary colours." WTF?! Liz makes a jibe at Natalie Appleton who she accuses of being ignorant of the fall of the Soviet Union. She brags about her superiority in not wanting to eat at a hotel buffet because "I don't get my own food." She says that in the face of poverty, war, and the lingering shadow of Auschwitz, All Saints' hit song 'Never Ever' took on a new meaning and then adds "See, I used to be quite highbrow." Nothing is highbrow about you, Liz. Not even the brow transplants.
Liz acts over-familiar with Shaznay Lewis, complains about All Saints being untidy, and laughs at the fact they wore wigs for TV appearances. She yells "LIAM! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIAM! YOUR WIFE'S HAIR WASN'T REAL!" Nic points out it is highly unlikely Liam Gallagher is listening to the podcast, Liz thinks he might be. He was married to Nicole for quite a long time so I doubt he was totally unaware of the fact she sometimes wears a wig. While in Poland, All Saints were annoyed at a negative tabloid article and Shaznay "snarled" at Liz, demanding to know who wrote the article in question cuz "I'm gonna get 'er" and "half the article was about the Spice Girls innit." Nothing offensive there from Liz, no, no, no. She crows "this is why I'm award-winning" - what? Why are you "award-winning?" She says All Saints "will always be my friends, although I've never heard from them since."
Fan mail: There are many condolences to Nic over the death of her dog Charlie. Supposedly. Nic reads them out, sniffling and saying she believes Charlie is in doggy heaven with her other dog Zac. Well, that's nice, I guess. Liz for once doesn't ruin it except for when Nic mentions a memory of her partner running after the dog and Liz cuts in "can Martin run, then?"
As always @Mediastar you show us that ‘Brevity is the Soul of Wit’
[email protected] RS fantasy is going to continue then… poor Yumi, she must be devastated.
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Oh god. Just the headline
I can’t believe she’s resurrecting the fake rock star…I smell desperation. Surely she can’t be deluded enough not to comprehend that pretty much everyone knows it’s a complete fabrication.
Also, second week in a row we’re treated to scenarios featuring ‘being on top’ and ‘yes! yes! yes!’
She’s used the line about the only thing to eat in Spain is dried ham before too. Boring, and like ‘foetus’ not funny nor witty.
Also, second week in a row we’re treated to scenarios featuring ‘being on top’ and ‘yes! yes! yes!’
She’s used the line about the only thing to eat in Spain is dried ham before too. Boring, and like ‘foetus’ not funny nor witty.
Imagine what it must be like though, spouting all that bs in the plodcast and dreary, trying to boast of this wonderful life (when she's not moaning about it) with well endowed rock stars, fancy hotels etc then she sits at home, in her shabby rented house, with 4 untrained, incontinent dogs, knowing that none of it is true, she just a lonely old woman, who has let so many opportunities pass her by, never allowing herself to just be happy with what she has got, always wanting more, and now it is a downward trajectory as she becomes even older and less relevant and into oblivion. tragic really.
Blimey! I forgot to mention in my post about the ‘movie star’ who offered to help her buy her property.
Didn’t happen.
Didn’t happen.
Yup.. it continues. For what purpose.. I know not. She’s desirable, beautiful, witty and now has a jet set life with marriage beckoning. Nope she shovels tit, wipes up piss and writes a bit.. she ages and lights up a diptyche candle. Absolutely the red herring was Kerr.. it’s getting a bit fishy now but she continues in her madness. No one desires her or wants her to climb on top. She’s booked into a hotel( if she has) on her ‘Tod’. The FRS wasn’t true back in the day and he doesn’t exist now. The lovely women on HRT and with silver hair look miles better than her and she knows it. Nigel met her twice and probably didn’t like her. He is not going to marry her. David is gone, hopefully for good. Nirpal is the better writer.
Nic the ‘Narc Enabler’.. sigh, she has her own probs. So please implode soon Liz effing Jones. There are no more garden paths to lead us and yourself down.
Nic the ‘Narc Enabler’.. sigh, she has her own probs. So please implode soon Liz effing Jones. There are no more garden paths to lead us and yourself down.
she apparently doesn't even light the candles..they just sit there, ageing and diminishing, much like Liz, so that if you ever do use them, the scent is degraded, to the point you can hardly smell them, let alone imagine paying 60 quid for it, nope like everything else in her life, just a veneer, no substance.
This. 100% this. A wasted life.
She is trolling readers. An ageing Scottish rockstar, with a penchant back in the day for parachute silk shirts, still playing festivals and with a few wives in his past. It all points to Kerr. It isn’t Kerr, it isn’t anybody, but if I were him I would be fuming that she keeps this going.
I just had a thought….Midge Ure??!! That’s if the RS was real, which he isn’t. MU is not a rock star either, a synth pop star.
I just had a thought….Midge Ure??!! That’s if the RS was real, which he isn’t. MU is not a rock star either, a synth pop star.
It’s hilarious that she seems to think ‘being on top’ is really outrageous and edgy 
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