Despite it all, and it really breaks my heart that you are feeling so poorly right now - I’m glad you feel like you can talk to us, and open up.Really don't want to have to take any time off work. The thought of it makes me feel sick. Don't want people knowing, don't want the awkwardness of going back, feeling like everyone thinks/knows I can't cope.
This is going to be some garbled nonsense.
I can say it here, to people who don't know me IRL, all casual like "I have bipolar disorder" because it's a useful shorthand for what I'm like or how you might experience me over time.
But that's a 15-year-old diagnosis and I've spent much of the time in those 15 years alternating between pretending and believing there's nothing wrong. There's a big part of me - even now, sitting here, on my sofa in my pyjamas, wrapped in a blanket, tears streaming down my face that haven't really stopped since I woke up this morning - that thinks I'm OK and this is life and everything is normal and fine and there's nothing wrong with me and there's no help to be had because this is just how people feel sometimes.
I'm scared of being referred and having it confirmed again because I don't want to be ill and I don't want to be someone who has to see a psychiatrist and take medication and have the label and never be able to get away from it. And last time it only made things worse, so it wasn't even like a compromise of acknowledging I'm ill in order to feel better, it was the shitshow of the pain of admitting to needing help and then just feeling worse anyway.
I'm also kind of scared I might get referred and they confirm that part of my brain is right, and I am OK and nothing is wrong. Because that would mean there's literally nothing that anyone could ever do to help.
And most of all, I like to be able to run, and hide, and pretend, and the thought of being "in the system" gives me such anxiety because I don't know how I'd be able to escape if I wanted to. Don't like going into things where I can't see the exits.
Re: sad songs, yes and no. Hard to engage with anything else though. And sometimes there is a feeling of recognition in it. Like not being the only one.
Am very much doubting my ability to go for a walk. Not dressed yet. And even walking round the house I'm doing tiny tired shuffly steps and feel like stopping to lie down at any minute.
Don't want to miss work. Will keep going unless/until it becomes physically impossible.
Family's not an option. Would make everything worse.
Thank youSo sorry to hear you know what it's like.
My problem isn't that my depression is treatment-resistant, it's getting the balance right. Everything that shifts the depression sends me way too far the other way.
Your pup is adorable.
You're all such sweethearts. I'm sorry for the miseryguts thread derail.
Handsome bae will give you thank you kisses.
View attachment 1590082View attachment 1590084View attachment 1590086
🩹 That’s so vital, so important. And we’re here for you, babe. 
