Jack Monroe #98 Thoroughly Naff

[TurnedUpInTipp]

I'm trying to imagine a Scottish/Irish/Greek/Jewish/Ouchy food fest.
Someone would arrive with a whole slaughtered lamb draped around their neck like an elderly great aunt wearing a fox fur stole.
A pit will be dug in the rented garden, lined with blocks from the rented drive (Skip permitting) and a fire set.
Whisky, from the Western Isles, Jack will know which distillery by its very aroma will be thrown in.
The hole will be filled with the contents of the compost bin and wellington boots that tramped the bogs of Ireland for generations.
It will be left for the day to 'cook'.
During this time kosher salt stories will be told.
A fight will break out but it'll all work out ok when someone breaks song and Jack is begged to sing something by Daniel O Donnell.
As it gets dark, Zorba's Dance will be performed around the smoking fire pit, which is fully under control because of Jack and her father's combined years of "Fire Service".
Everyone will declare it the best meal ever.
Kombucha will be drunk.
Now Mazel bleeping Tov.

 

[JoyceDivision]

Pssst Jack....

 

[Walkdengirl]

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Why hasn't she got any blood vessels in her eyes, why does she look like a pre pubescent boy?

 

[vale]

These are the ingredients listed for caponata on BBC food. Anyone who has ever had caponata knows this is what goes into it:

For the caponata

• 100ml olive oil
• 3 large aubergines , cut into 2cm cubes
• 2 long shallots , chopped
• 4 large plum tomatoes , chopped
• 2 tsp caper , soaked if salted
• 50g raisin
• 4 celery sticks, sliced
• 50ml red wine vinegar
• handful toasted pine nuts and basil leaves

It's a height-of-summer dish - when you have super ripe tomatoes and aubergines.

Alternatively, use the ingredients above but add a ton of chilli flakes, coconut milk, over-processed bread, brown sugar and balsamic vinegar.

Every time Jack makes an Italian recipe, an Italian mother cries, howls and claws at the floor.

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Why hasn't she got any blood vessels in her eyes, why does she look like a pre pubescent boy?

Looking at the recent photos and taking into account some of her sudden mood swings and ABSOLUTELY making NO JUDGEMENTS whatsoever, I believe may Jack have decided to join her son in going through male puberty.
After all, it seems the poor feller can have nothing to himself.

 

[Walkdengirl]

Yet it made sense to add coconut milk to a caponata..

My god, you're such a maverick jack, I'm sat her chortling at what you've put in they recipe you little scamp.

(actually after looking at the recipe, and her nails I've got a bit of sick in my mouth)

 

[Fruitjack]

Just been reading through the lockdown larder hashtag on Twitter. Do these people now know how Google operates? Seriously though??

 

[Walkdengirl]

Louisa is missing the fishy bed smell.

I'm sure she will be smelling fishy fingers at some point

 

[Sooverthat]

Oh no, poor squiggle didn't get to the toilet in time

When did she buy Crunchy Nut Cornflakes?

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Yes, Jack...

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bleeping FANCY!
Not cheap are the Crunchy Nuts!

 

[ChickenPorridge]

The way she keeps replying "good lighting, moisturiser and portrait mode" is the absolute height of cringe. It's that usual Jack tactic of not directly saying it's been modified, but not completely ruling it out so she can say she never denied it when called out. The thing is, portrait mode is renowned for giving a bloody awful pic because it gives a high definition look at every single pore and hair on your face. She has a filter on that's cancelling out every line on her face and it's devastatingly obvious. Jack, this is so embarrassing!

 

[Sooverthat]

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And filtering myself to duck.

Dawwww look at the wee bairn with her milk! Does the precious cherub want some cookies with that???

Milk from the milkman too! Not cheap!

 

[Fruitjack]

Is everyone strapped in and ready for an hour of 'bung them in a curry?'. I know I can't wait.

And filtering myself to duck.



Milk from the milkman too! Not cheap!

88p a pint from a Southend dairy delivery, compared to 80p for 2 pints from Asda.
Her orange is £1.30 a pint compared to 65p per litre from Asda

 

[colouredlines]

1) no you didn't bite through your lip.

2) how do you eat your grapes that you bite (through) your bottom lip with a bottom tooth?

 

[Emmapism]

Have visions of Jack crazily gnashing her way through an entire punnet of grapes as she angrily catches up on this thread.

'I'll teach them! My next recipe will be in the form of interpretative dance! Ha!'

 

[LennyBriscoe]

bleeping FANCY!
Not cheap are the Crunchy Nuts!

I don’t like Crunchy Nuts, in fact I don’t like nuts. But I also really wouldn’t like the cooked monstrosity she was serving SB a few weeks so I wouldn’t thank her for either...but I wonder if SB gets to have Crunchy Nuts sometimes (if he likes them of course). I don’t like to think of them being in the Store Cupboard of Dreams and her insisting on making something rank, plonking it on the floor, taking photos and then watch him eat it before insisting he tell her it’s the best breakfast ever

 

[Fruitjack]

WHERE ARE THE GRAPES IN THE SHOP?

 

[Droosie123]

Remember last month when Jack went out and got dressed up for...something?
I was panicking that it might be the Xmas Good Food magazine....


I have relaxed......I’ve got the Xmas edition and Jack isn’t in it . There is however a section on budget meals, but they didn’t ask Jack.
I can subscribe in peace.

 

[Fruitjack]

I'm sure someone more skilled than I am will capture all the hashtag stuff on Twitter. Someone is in for a treat though, he's asked what he can use to replace salt as he's not supposed to have too much of it - use any of Jack's recipes then mate!!

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

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1) no you didn't bite through your lip.

2) how do you eat your grapes that you bite (through) your bottom lip with a bottom tooth?

That'll be the 'invisible' brace thing she has on her teeth to sort that 'snaggle tooth' she's always on about making her self-conscious.
Her teeth are moving about and her bite is changing.
My sister had a brace when we were kids, she bit herself a lot as her teeth shifted about.

 

[Fruitjack]

We've had 9 answers so far, 3 of them are curries.

YURRRRSSSSSSSSS CHICKEN PORRIDGE!