Jack Monroe #92 Reverse Robin Hood, grifts from the poor to give to herself

People-huv-tae-know said:

I wonder if grandad was a bit of a dominant character and obviously successful financially and perhaps the following generations struggled to live up to his expectations/reputation.

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I'll tell you something for nothing - he was a swarthy gorgeous bastard of a man with a filthy chuckle.

Oh my word, I've missed so many pages. It is so difficult to keep pace with this forum at times. I can only assume at least one chaos has been committed.

Anyway, I bring you glad tidings. After an extensive and problematic softly soft soft launch in Southend, Royal Mail have found the confidence to go live.

Silver Linings said:

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You cab’t buy tablespoons of oil, you twat. Your pricing is stupid.

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I'm willing to give this one a go. I have all the ingredients and love tomato soup (that may change after trying this though)
The only trouble I have with her recipe is that it says add a splash of the water, and later add rest of the water. How much water? I can't see it on the list, or am I being wordblind and missing it? I would also mention that I draw the line at cutting cherry tomatoes in 8!

Just as aside, if it makes enough for 1, what possible reason would you need to keep it in the fridge for 3 days? If it makes one serving you would eat it straight away.

MancBee said:

That poetry is a direct rip off of John Cooper Clarke, especially his Evidently Chickentown, Even her delivery is a rip-off. She doesn't have an original idea in her head. Even her maverick ideas in cooking have been done before, and are always found out by our Fraus. The few never seen before ideas that she has come up with don't work, that is why no one has done them before.

She has had her time in the limelight and is now a fading star. If it wasn't for Twitter she would never be heard of again.

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Slagging off the Mail online; groundbreaking.

One JCC poem instantly springs to mind with Jack:

Like a nightclub in the morning, you're the bitter end
Like a recently disinfected shithouse, you're clean round the bend
You give me the horrors
Too bad to be true
All of my tomorrows
Are lousy 'cause of you
You put the Shat in Shatter
Put the Pain in Spain
Your germs are splattered about
Your face is just a stain
You're certainly no raver, commonly known as a drag
Do us all a favor, here, wear this polythene bag

You're like a dose of scabies
I've got you under my skin
You make life a fairytale
Grimm!

People mention murder, the moment you arrive
I'd consider killing you if I thought you were alive
You've got this slippery quality
It makes me think of phlegm
And a dual personality
I hate both of them
You're bad breath, vamps disease, destruction, and decay
Please, please, please, please, take yourself away

Like a death a birthday party
You ruin all the fun
Like a sucked and spat-out Smartie
You're no use to anyone
Like the shadow of the guillotine
On a dead consumptive's face
Speaking as an outsider
What do you think of the human race?
You went to a progressive psychiatrist
He recommended suicide
Before scratching your bad name off his list
And pointing the way outside
You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart
You're heading for a breakdown
Better pull yourself apart

Your dirty name gets passed about when something goes amiss
Your attitudes are platitudes
Just make me wanna piss

What kind of creature bore you
Was it some kind of bat?
They can't find a good word for you
But I can
Twat!

lilamay said:

Found this old recipe of Jack's with this photo...

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Fraus, I am haunted!

Also... she really goes to town with the tags!

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Does she not know a single thing about SEO? This is known as keyword stuffing and Google will penalise you for shoe horning searchable words into webpage and have done for years! They need to be organically inserted into the copy or images for any chance of success.

Just checked, they've officially penalised since 2003! Her digital marketing tactics are older than SB. This is stuff they teach you on your first day in a marketing agency!

Jack Monroe: I can’t believe it’s not begging!

Why can’t she say Hellman’s, do they sue her if she does now.

They sent her a cease and desist the minute someone higher up watched the mayo shitshow.

Into_the_tunnel said:

Maybe her manic behaviour is linked to a rekindling with L? It might also explain why she is too BUSY to do the admin for her admin and the take photos and do the recipes for her meals.

I was going to do attempt the pomodoro/ stuffing recipe until I realised the tomatoes I was going to have to cut into 8 were the cherry versions and not the normal ones.

I will await another recipe/version of slop that I can attempt.

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If they've rekindled, why is it a secret? Seems suspicious. Perhaps it would ruin Jack's only goal in life, the 'can I crowdfund a house' project! Let me answer that for you Jack, NO you can't, get a job. (Just gossiping ninny speculation, m'lud )

Lumpyspaceprincess said:

Jack Monroe: I can’t believe it’s not begging!

Why can’t she say Hellman’s, do they sue her if she does now.

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She's such an attention seeking drama llama. How does she cope with herself?!?

I usually have two scrambled eggs for breakfast, made with butter, and scallion/Parmesan/a dash of Tabasco if I am feeling FANCY. This morning, I find I have no appetite.

Captainmouse said:

We could send actual money, pennies sellotaped to postcards

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It would cost a fortune to post

Just an aside here, before Jack emerges with today's chaos.

As someone that's long had a "problematic" relationship with alcohol I've really appreciated the ongoing discussion on this thread about AA and related matters. Am not a joiner, and the prospect of meetings brings me out in a cold sweat, but you could say I've been dry-curious for a while.

Picked up a pdf of Living Sober and finding it a fascinating read. 10 days since I last had a drink and not planning to have one today

A sincere thankyou and (less sincere!) fuck off.

I reckon the source of the endless supply of eggs is the fancy milk delivery with the orange juice. I'm sure you can add on extras like eggs.

@GoLando

This bit was most apropros for me

'You've got this slippery quality
It makes me think of phlegm
And a dual personality
I hate both of them'



Morning you nefarious cohort of bullying ninnies!

We could send a mini pack of lurpack, I'm up for that

bignose28 said:

Just an aside here, before Jack emerges with today's chaos.

As someone that's long had a "problematic" relationship with alcohol I've really appreciated the ongoing discussion on this thread about AA and related matters. Am not a joiner, and the prospect of meetings brings me out in a cold sweat, but you could say I've been dry-curious for a while.

Picked up a pdf of Living Sober and finding it a fascinating read. 10 days since I last had a drink and not planning to have one today

A sincere thankyou and (less sincere!) fuck off.

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To borrow from the joiners' groups, where there is much reflection, honesty, and kindness, Hi bignose!

Louisa liked Richard Bacon's post about the new show presented by Stacey Dooley.

Scarletfever said:

Louisa liked Richard Bacon's post about the new show presented by Stacey Dooley.

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Ah so he’s Louisa’s friend. Get your own mates Jack.

Budget can’t stretch to butter (sob sob poor me and my ton of expensive furniture) but can spend £1.20 on unnecessary blueberry juice and additional money in Jaffa cakes she doesn’t even like?



Ok, Jack, sure thing.

Such a blatant manipulation tactic harking back to “more bread and jam please, mummy”. She can well afford sensible basics used normally in simple meals. However, shopping as she does, like Dale Winton is watching, while playing up her imaginary ADHD and relying on yellow stickers (and Ocado, and the milkman) means that she has fucked it by the time she reaches the dairy aisle. Fortunately this isn’t a real problem because she’s only pretending that £20 is her budget but it’s still fucking annoying.

Incidentally, if Jack had done her research on her imagined condition, she’d find that women who have ADHD are frequently incredibly organised in terms of list making etc (I have to make a list that mirrors the layout of whatever shop I’m going to or it turns into some kind of LOTR-style quest). Of course, everyone is different but you would think that as someone who was Very Poor Indeed her coping strategies to accommodate her neurodiversity would include learning how to make, and stick to, a shopping list.

Laughing so hard that she’s “still under contract” with Hellman’s but couldn’t get her shit together in time to conceive her disgusting mayo scrambled eggs while it actually mattered. What a shitshow.

LavaFlake said:

Does she not know a single thing about SEO? This is known as keyword stuffing and Google will penalise you for shoe horning searchable words into webpage and have done for years! They need to be organically inserted into the copy or images for any chance of success.

Just checked, they've officially penalised since 2003! Her digital marketing tactics are older than SB. This is stuff they teach you on your first day in a marketing agency!

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Appears you weren't the only one inspired to "get flour from mushrooms" yesterday. Particularly appreciate how well the wall tiles complement the soup.

ReginaPhalangee said:

The fucking anchoiade. I still have no idea how to spell or pronounce it.

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same, babe. I’ve also assumed it’s just blended fish and egg yolk which is GAAAAGG.

LavaFlake said:

Does she not know a single thing about SEO? This is known as keyword stuffing and Google will penalise you for shoe horning searchable words into webpage and have done for years! They need to be organically inserted into the copy or images for any chance of success.

Just checked, they've officially penalised since 2003! Her digital marketing tactics are older than SB. This is stuff they teach you on your first day in a marketing agency!

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Yes!! Her page insights on site performance are abysmal too which will penalise her. In the detailed feedback it mentions she’s using JavaScript that “modern” browsers no longer support she’s running a science museum exhibition.

Tbh I don’t feel sorry for her this is all down to her refusal to PAY people to do this work for her! Her poor “web guy” seems to be a mate she recruited when she was starting out which is fine, but when you’re turning over 6 figs and he’s still working for free? Eeesh. Comrade Jack as ever tho!