Jack Monroe #69 I can see clearly now the make-up’s gone

[heretoreaditall2019]

She’s been using that magnifying glass to triangulate tattlers

tbh we’re all at greater risk of being triangulated by each other than by grandma social media with her 2012 insta vignette filters and crusty af website. No luxury hammock or frozen fish pie (or accompanying veg medley) can get past you guys

 

[OhhBacon]

I have read this weeks antics with an open mouth, she never fails to disappoint with her dramas. Well done to everyone for collecting all receipts!

I just want to add my view on the black eye, I know we’ve moved on but when Jack reads this it might help her understand her injury.

So during lockdown I was on the receiving end of an accidental head butt from my dog, that clocked the side of my eye sock in a way that hurt and then bruised. What was weird was that the day after he did it there was no bruising but it really hurt, the bruising came up a few days later when actually it hurt less. But then it was weird because I had forgot about it but it looked worse.

Bruising doesn’t come up straight away so you can’t get sympathy straight away, In future rather than painting on a bruise just wait patiently...the bruise will come and then you’ll be able to claim all the sympathy required to get your dopamine hit.

Patience is needed in other situations too, whilst practising patience you could also practice your presenting skills so you aren’t totally shite at everything you do.

 

[Tabitha D]

View attachment 234195

#makingmemories
#mrsdoubfire

“drinking pints of milk ... lovely creamy whole milk”.
So - lactose intolerant or not, Jack?? It’s difficult to keep up.

 

[edinburghcastle]

Imagine if you were a new follower with this sickly-sweet Sylvanian Family #Momofteenboy, then finding out she (amongst many, many other things, but just off the top of my head:

- kicked strangers on trains
- punched her brother at a wedding
- literally can't say anything without it being a lie
- ignored vets' pleas to put down a suffering kitten so she could parade it on Twitter
- organises pile-ons
- didn't get a job she wasn't even qualified for so scweemed and scweemed and scweemed so her contact/s got her a presenting slot where she was
- absolutely shite

 

[Saint_clemmie]

View attachment 234837

Oh glad she took our note that a potato is not just a potato!

 

[Veronicaaa]

I reckon she knows, deep down, she's been fucking up royally in many different ways, and she also sees that people (including her beloved blue ticks) are slowly waking up to her nonsense. It's why she wants to start again, it's why she wants to pull in new followers, it's why she hates that the tattle threads exist. And instead of actually addressing the problem (which happens to be within herself) it's much easier to focus her anger and self-loathing onto another person, in this case one of the cabal. She's trying to regain control of the narrative but the only way she can do that is by having a tantrum, because she doesn't have the emotional intelligence to do anything more useful. #wotireckon

 

[crystaleyesd]

I think it would be a really interesting experiment if we didn't engage with her socials whilst she's on private (as well as respecting her wishes, which I'm going to do, however malicious and childish she's being). She has tweeted (something really boring), but let's ignore her. I bet she'll HATE that we're not scrutinising her every move and be back doing public chaoses sooner than you can say pedigree Maine Coon

 

[Bookweevil]

Got to post again...just to say...this is genius! I have been jackfluenced.

I had never thought to gently scoop off the potato to decant a shop bought fish pie into a ceramic pot then slide said potato back on and bake. I am so doing this, I reckon if I buy a Waitrose packet then I can pass as an able cook! Thanks Jackie, about to ring the folks and invite them for dinner on Friday...knowing after a hard days work I will look like a hero with my homemade fish pie!

My genius friend has this down to a t. When she has people round for dinner, she gets a load of Tesco dine in for £10 deals, decants the food into Pyrex dishes and - this is the genius bit - sprinkles chopped fresh herbs over the top. Sits back drinking the meal deal wine and lets the compliments roll in when all she did was a bit of ladling and switching the oven on.

 

[Emmapism]

My favourite recent Jack memory is her insisting that Dishoom isn't a chain. Restaurant PARLANCE indeed

 

[Silver Linings]

 

[Ninch55]

View attachment 234176

Oh. My. God. Just stop. Mama? Moms of boys? I’d laugh if I wasn’t about to puke.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

She's posted a video for us on Instagram. I am reporting this as it's FOR US. She's washing her very real black eye.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

As an alcoholic in recovery I just wanted to address this 200 units a week nonsense...

At the very height of my addiction I could easily sink a bottle and a half of vodka in 24 hours, and that's 36 units. Managed that 3 or 4 times a week - believe me i'm not proud of it. And that is 36*4= 144 units a week. And i'm 5'9" and a bit of a chubster

If she drank 200 units a week she would be dead. She makes a mockery of people struggling with sobriety with her lies.

Drinking 200 units a week is also not a level of drinking you can just suddenly stop, as she apparently did and was telling the world how wonderful she felt in less than a week?
The withdrawal symptoms to suddenly stop that level of drinking would be horrid and scary, not to mention bloody dangerous.

 

[FrumpyCat]

In the absence of scintillating public content from Jackie may I put my tinfoil hat on and speculate why a PR professional who is supposedly bessie mates with her doesn't advise her against such public lunacy?

Perhaps I'm just terribly, terribly cynical but I feel like Vix is waiting for Jack to pull a slightly different iteration of "David Cameron's dead son" out of her arse, destroy the tottering edifice of a career that she has thrown together, swoop in to the rescue and really make her name in the industry.

Even if I'm way off, she's still evidently a rubbish friend for never telling Jack to reign it in and stop being a cunt.

Off to lawyer up now, just in case.

since Vix is the one who said, just after Jack claimed she had consulted 3 vets who all recommended pts, " another a+pass for kitty" I wouldn't trust her to take the bins out, let alone offer career advice.

 

[blurstoftimes]

View attachment 234176

hey y’all , this is by far the darn tootin creepiest version of jack Monroe yet, y’all know what I’m sayin?! God bless

 

[Dogmuck]

Is this like nepotism @Pocahontas? I knew you still loved me most , thanks so Matt much for buying all those reactions for me so I could be back in the game. Maybe a love triangulation for you, me and @Silver Linings going forward?

Thanks all for the acceptance to the cabal, but most appreciation to our Jackie and her shiner, without her I would only be a bullying ninnie Praise be and under her black eye

 

[blurstoftimes]

I personally think this new twist is an absolute riot!! How long can jack actually hide her innate bitter cuntiness? She’ll be bursting at the seams by Monday. There’s gonna be a lot of confused Tennessee live, laugh, love mommas by the end of next week that’s for sure.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I’m not really sure what happened there tbh (shock!) but my most pressing unanswered question is why does it take two days to watch Mrs Doubtfire

I was having a scan of the Hinch thread yesterday and because the queen of clean was honouring Digital Detox Day, they were sharing their favourite Hinch-isms. Maybe we could do the same with Jack? Mine was when she visited our little cabal and tried to imply we were preventing her from leaving again

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Do you have any proof that mumsnet is “rife” with EDs or are you just baselessly judging?

It is not patronising. You don’t think 2/3 of the population being overweight - or 90% of people if you go by body fat percentage rather than BMI - has an effect on what is seen as normal? Jack is simply not “thin”. Anyone who thinks otherwise either has skewed judgement or a vendetta against slim women. She is bigger than me and I am not underweight.

I am absolutely sick of the concern trolling, disingenuous hand wringing, insults, accusations and bullying that slim women face, all while pretending that it’s for our own good.

In my opinion accusations of being “too thin” are the exact same insult against appearance as claiming someone is too fat. I would say the same about accusations of eating disorders, if Jack herself hasn’t been Munchausen-ing about EDs.

Do you hate fat people? I am sick of reading skewed & triggered opinions which are outright offensive.

Vendetta against slim women lol. Ffs.

 

[edinburghcastle]

Who on earth publicly marks the 619th day of anything? If she'd said it had been a year, three months, etc. since she'd had a drink this would make sense, but it's clearly just to shoehorn it in as soon as possible for her new buddies in the USofA.

God, I feel like every sentence she writes has some kind of dastardly purpose, it's like looking at pus under a microscope.