Jack Monroe #392 This is why ppl cook you on that gossip app innit

[Sideboard Bob]

The publication date is now March 2023.
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I know it’s just a placeholder image, but how funny would it be if this was the actual cover. An amazing spite move from the exasperated publishers. Just three lines and one random ~tilde~.

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Spoiler: Very very bad AI

This is what you get if you type in 'Jack Monroe is a liar and a cunt'. I think the AI is trying to show us her real face post booze, cigs and and pre facetune and botox.

Clearly a Celery town pic

Male aesthetic era

Tory MP business Jack

Kumquat era

Also because I'm very angry at how Jack has treated previous pets, particularly guinea pigs and rabbits, here is what 'Jack Monroe being eaten by guinea pigs and rabbits' looks like. These bunny piggy hybrids look well 'ard and clearly take no shit. They are pissed af that Jack tastes of slop.

* The above is not a death threat, just fantasy fiction, like what Jack writes.

Monty Python's killer rabbit ain't got nothin on these guys.

OT, @GrannyOgg , you have done wonderful work. Seeing all those tweets arranged chronologically really exposes Jack's grift, blatant begging and her policing of Twitter. This situation is in need of more scrutiny from squigs and officials alike.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

It will 100% be like the time she had a 2mm piece of fauna stuck in her finger which was the worst splinter to ever have afflicted a human being in the entirety of space and time but when she did a work thing the next day her finger looked totally normal.

 

[FlirtyThirty]

Thank you!! Do we have any publishing fraus who can comment on why a publisher would release in March, please?

I’m gonna guess they shelved the idea of releasing it at a time everyone’s stretched financially and there are top tier superstar releases coming out…?

March is very common release date for books publishers think aren’t up to standing against the January big guns (recipe books often out in Jan as people on New Year health kicks)
Common for debuts as it’s a relatively empty month that established authors don’t use. Surprising Jackie needs one though let’s face it it’s just any old date now because the fucking thing is never finished.

 

[jenny2603]

Imagine the sinking feeling of dread you'd get if you were out, then someone informed you there was a black pudding and prune pie waiting for you at home. How ominous.

I would immediately text back "Really sorry, just ran into a mate and we've gone for a bite to eat". Then I would go missing for a week or two until I was sure she'd had to bin it.

 

[Malkiavelli]

She had to add the third tweet

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“I don’t talk about my brother often - he’s a minor and his stories are his to tell. Also, we’ve only spoke like 3 times in person, in real life. I left home years ago, after all! I really only mention him when I want to preach with imagined-authority on issues of race to social media. Anyway, as I was saying…”

 

[Sideboard Bob]

 

[Helena Handbasket]

Multi posting like a raging ninny I know BUT can any of you fraus imagine sending a bit of advice* to a friend and then feeling so pleased with yourself you immediately post it on Twitter before they’ve had chance to even read it?

*complete load of waffling unhelpful trite shite.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Can we add 'vignette' to the long list of words she doesn't know the meaning of? Seriously, what on earth???

 

[SpudYouHate]

Jack mate, parents don't gather at the school gates to walk their 12 year olds home.

How does anyone believe that kid lives with her?

And does she think he should have started school at birth? Appears so.

 

[Tin Can Crook]

Jack actually did like an hour of work today? Wow! Almost up to approximately 12 hours for the whole of September thus far!

VBI must be coming any day now, what with all the secret behind the scenes work.

 

[Five hundred dogs]

Its an old sound effect if I recall.

I learned from the canal yesterday that whomp whomp is the sad trombone sound, not as I had assumed the sound of helicopter rotator blades. I’d say sad trombone is wahh wahh not whomp whomp, but I’m not the onomatopoeia police.

Jack doesn’t do the school run, SB mostly lives with his dad and SB is in y8. Even if he stays there a day or two a week she’s far too lazy to get up early and take him on foot and public transport to school, she either sticks him in a taxi or someone else drives him.
My daughter is in y10 and none of her classes AFAIK have ever had a WhatsApp group, although I think in primary WhatsApp wasn’t as much of a thing in the early years and by y5 and 6 there was so much animosity between the parents no one was willing to get one going. I have to add it was nothing to do with me, I stayed out of it all, but it got bad enough for the police to be involved.

 

[hooplifehero]

Child abduction (severe) is making me I can actually picture her saying it but it also sounds very Trumpish, which is fitting as he’s a fellow idiot and narc. I wonder if he’d think OH was a bad hombre for very, very briefly and very temporarily smashing a smol pixie’s heart?

Just met with a VERY successful British Chef, Jack Monroe. This young lady has overcome the worst hardships including poverty, child abduction (severe) and infigedstion. If she can do it, ANYONE can. Very pretty too! So stop the WHINING and go on to be GREAT like Jack, who has also I'm told written many, many successful books, as I have. Great writers.

 

[Lazarus]

Mad to think that only a couple of weeks ago she was completely and utterly heartbroken, eating cat biscuits and sharing it on her professional social media account.

 

[Veronicaaa]

The way freelancing works, guys, in case you didn't know, is that you boil soap for two years until you get to work again.

 

[OwlRightsReserved]

Her pies look bogging. So wet and gristly?

The Eye of Sauron strikes again.

 

[jenny2603]

Not sure if this was spotted...

Under the gig photo on Insta.
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ETA
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Yes Jack, we would be totally owned if you got a friend to pretend to be a bodyguard because reasons. We wouldn't
in fact we'd probably all cry like babies and have to lie down in darkened rooms,such would be the extent of our fury at your top tier trolling. We were fools to take you on, needless to say you will have the last laugh at our expense. It's your genius level IQ that gives you the edge.

 

[Cucumberthunder]

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then why are you begging for cash hun

None of these things will be paid. Google are known for their lack of cash and flagship political debate shows only attract the best political commentators by not paying anything...

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Jack has a new paramour, she's referring to him as her 'better half' (BH? Bald head? Hhnnngghh)
Just as well, OH will always be Old Harold.
Go well, tender ones.

 

[jenny2603]

Multi posting like a raging ninny I know BUT can any of you fraus imagine sending a bit of advice* to a friend and then feeling so pleased with yourself you immediately post it on Twitter before they’ve had chance to even read it?

*complete load of waffling unhelpful trite shite.

Also note how she needs to join in.

Person: My head is being a dickhead
Jack: Our heads are!!

Does it ever occur to this selfish dogshit that when people are looking for help the thing to do is centre them rather than start spouting off about your feelings?