Jack Monroe #363 I regret to inform you Jack Monroe has done another tweet
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Also, what dis? Has she had a spray tan but missed a bit in the crease of her neck cos she was looking down or something?!
Why do all her loaves look tortured, like baked brains? What’s with all the misshapen folds & lumps? I mean, it’s bread. Even people who mess up the proving or cooking time can usually turn out a sort of smoothish dough ball. How can she manage to make even loaves look inedible? Is it her superpower to convert any set of ingredients into something you wouldn’t touch with a - hang on, I’ve just thought of her gnarly Egyptian-mummy hands kneading the dough
Well at least I realise now why they’re all such gruesome colours. I swear, these threads are better than Ozempic for killing my appetite dead.
Are there any historian Fraus that can help me? I'm sure I read somewhere, many years ago, that in the olden days the village baker was also the strangler when village executions were commonplace. A successful baker needed big hands to make all the bread for the village. I maybe misremembering on account of my Nan chatting bollocks about strange men with big stranglers hands though and putting the fear of God into us 
. 'Look at the hands on him, strangler hands, those. Bet he makes a good loaf though'.
. 'Look at the hands on him, strangler hands, those. Bet he makes a good loaf though'.
Lol ripping off Ash Sarkar/Nigella's fish finger bhorta, were we Jack? Only about two years late.When I first started following her when she had that shitfit at Lee Anderson, I never really looked into her cooking. Then like two days later she threw an almighty tantrum and used the phrase "fish finger curry" (
Fish finger bhorta recipe
Nigella's fish finger bhorta makes a delicious change from fish finger sandwiches.
www.bbc.co.uk
Why aren't hers slimy?! I didn't want to poke the demon slow cooker bread, let alone hug the oozy fucker.
It’s not Jacks fault she hasn’t posted the recipes. Her damn ADHD brain calculated incorrectly how long it would take to cook thirty meals in a row during a heatwave.
I’m curious - are there any legal/publishing fraus who might be able to comment on what limitations Jack might run into when it comes to republishing “461” recipes from her books, paid sponsorship deals, paid newspaper or magazine gigs on her website?
For some reason 'fat clove of garlic' shits me to tears.
We all have our breaking point
If the method says to break up the peaches, why are there two massive halves visible in the photo? I didn't think you could even get peach halves in tins but a quick Google has proved me wrong (c/o Del Monte and Waitrose)
So that recipe in the book says her “tarkari” is based on a recipe from a local Nepalese restaurant, but she replaced the chicken with black beans and replaced the mango with tinned peaches.
She entirely replaced the two main ingredients. (And I’m not convinced by the spicing either - she actually suggests adding the juice or syrup from the peaches to temper the heat of the curry, but where’s the heat supposed to come from? I don’t think 2 tsp chilli flakes will do it).
She’s just so terrible at this.
She entirely replaced the two main ingredients. (And I’m not convinced by the spicing either - she actually suggests adding the juice or syrup from the peaches to temper the heat of the curry, but where’s the heat supposed to come from? I don’t think 2 tsp chilli flakes will do it).
She’s just so terrible at this.
I love how terrible the engagement for her cooking posts always is this is supposed to be her main 'thing'. Jack: "I'm backkkkkk!"
The entire internet:
this is supposed to be her main 'thing'. Jack: "I'm backkkkkk!"The entire internet:
She’s far from the only recipe writer to do this but it really grates my mushrooms when they use original language for some ingredients but not others - why put dhaniya powder for coriander but not haldi for turmeric? Either write it using English words for ingredients or don’t. A common one is throwing in aloo, and don’t even get me started on saag which doesn’t even mean spinach.
It’s 03:30. Why am I like this???
It’s 03:30. Why am I like this???
To be fair, Nigella makes a fish finger curry too, and from the blurb in her recipe it sounds like it’s an Actual Thing. Fish fingers are really just fish and breadcrumbs so I guess it’s pretty much just like any other fish curry except with some extra crumbs (I say “I guess” because I hate fish and would rather choke down one of Jack’s homemade mushroom and mango loaves in its entirety than eat a single bite of fish, curried or otherwise) https://www.nigella.com/recipes/fish-finger-bhortaWhen I first started following her when she had that shitfit at Lee Anderson, I never really looked into her cooking. Then like two days later she threw an almighty tantrum and used the phrase "fish finger curry" (
I couldn’t do it, couldn’t listen to it all. As if anyone who saw a person with a walking stick would ask “where were you injured?” - give me a break!Oh noI hadn't seen that before. The limp onto the stage. And that story about belt tightening is just appalling. She loves it when she thinks she is about to deliver a zinger - drops her voice, talks slowly, pauses, looks meaningfully at the audience and says bleeping a lot. It is so studied and cringe.
She’s less nasally to be fair.
Gave up grunking to just say I can never imagine a situation where I would not return an engagement ring were I in an engagement that was broken off for whatever reason.
Nor, if I ever found myself so strapped for cash would I publicly announce that I was pawing it.
And I would especially not be so blasé as to collect and parade multiple of them like trophies before doing the above en masse.
Absolute cretin.
Nor, if I ever found myself so strapped for cash would I publicly announce that I was pawing it.
And I would especially not be so blasé as to collect and parade multiple of them like trophies before doing the above en masse.
Absolute cretin.
Because she lied dear heart
See, I’m not clear on whether those were rings given to her, or rings she gave to others that they gave back, or a mixture. Has she said?
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