Jack Monroe #27 Jack's career move after cooking with cans? Who’d have thought it would be OnlyFans?

[Saturn.]

I got bored so I wrote a song that covers the last 3 months of Jack's life.

To the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire"

Single mum, not a cook, newfound fame, writes a book
Alcoholic, vegan, trans, immunocompromised
THAT MAN on Channel 4, angry tweets, she's still poor,
Lockdown Larder, spinach cans, Daily Kitchen Live

Coughs a bit, stays at home, tech problems on her phone
Grated corned beef, horse spunk sauce, superhero pose
Cans of veg, cans of roots, passive-aggressive citrus fruits
Rinsed beans, dry cake, now in the studio!

She didn't put out fires
She just answered phones
Although you'd never know
Some would call her a liar
But they're all just bitter
And her lawyer's with her

Fat in mince, bread knife, borrows Matt from his wife
Cheeky duo, rising star, laughing up a lung
Suing Tattle, printing pages, hasn't felt this good in ages
Nigella-lite, wants renewal, phone stays unrung

Big announcement coming soon, superfan is on the moon
Garden camping, buying paint, renovates the shed
Apologies to THAT MAN, camping stove, lots of cans
Youtube show? No but look, now she's shaved her head!

She didn't put out fires
She falls under trains
The Tories are to blame
Her food always looks dire
Salmon paste and rinsed beans
On a bed of tinned greens

On the train, pervy men, same old tit once again
Bloke says "hi", Jack gets mad, kicks him in the shin
New book, depressipes, This Morning, veg and cheese
Uncooked pasta, no chicken, straight into the bin

Posting books, all by hand, anything for her fans
None arrive, what's gone wrong? Blame the Royal Mail
Makeover for Instagram, lifts 93 kilograms
Fridge breaks, begs a Smeg, going off the rails

She didn't put out fires
She's a maverick leader
With a million readers
She's available for hire
Four jobs and patrons online
She's still on the breadline

Hellman's mayo, grey hair, Miguel Barclay sure looks scared
Potato salad, tofu sandwich, comments all turned off
Stays up late, many tweets, tucks her labia, then deletes
Now she has severe hayfever - wasn't it a cough?

Video in black and white, #JackLivesMatter so let's fight
White as mayo, small advance, where is Mrs J?
Racist drama, shielding mother, now here comes her black brother!
Lockdown haircut, Twitter break, lasts less than a day

She didn't put out fires
She supports black dreams
But just behind the scenes
Why do her fans admire
Her suspicious fiction
And Twitter addiction?

Lost weight, overshare, photoshops her body hair
Sexy photos in weird clothes, Stuart's going mad
Mrs J has run away, time for a new fiancée
Sports bra, skin-tight skirt, but she just looks sad

Grenfell Tower memories, nuggets of mince, fat and cheese
536 days off the booze
Marcus Rashford, Twitter fights, thirst trap photos, sleepless nights
Bathing in her own ephemera, hardly any views

She didn't put out fires
Small Boy's dad is helping
But she won't stop yelping
Maybe she should retire
She'll use her Hellman's riches
To sue Tattle witches
As the lawyers conspire
To pay legal fees, er,
She could sell a freezer?
While we sort court attire
She's triangulating
So let's all stop hating...

Right, someone call that Gareth Malone chap, someone else sort out a premium Zoom account, and someone square this with Billy Joel. Start working on your harmonies, girls - rehearsals start next week. I'll supply the Hob Nobs.

 

[Breakdance Badass]

Bugger I’ve missed it and only on page 30, I’m Grunka Lunkering down kids, wait for me on the next thread...

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

Right, someone call that Gareth Malone chap, someone else sort out a premium Zoom account, and someone square this with Billy Joel. Start working on your harmonies, girls - rehearsals start next week. I'll supply the Hob Nobs.

Cool. I'll bring my bass. Could send through a rhythm guitar track as well if you like, just so long as everybody records to a click.

Anybody play drums?

 

[antisocialmedia]

How is it almost time for another thread

 

[Flash123]

So I missed the show and have just grunka lunkad the last 20 pages..... what did she cook? What kids meals have been suggested? I’m confused!

 

[AmTellinYa]

I got bored so I wrote a song that covers the last 3 months of Jack's life.

To the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire"

Single mum, not a cook, newfound fame, writes a book
Alcoholic, vegan, trans, immunocompromised
THAT MAN on Channel 4, angry tweets, she's still poor,
Lockdown Larder, spinach cans, Daily Kitchen Live

Coughs a bit, stays at home, tech problems on her phone
Grated corned beef, horse spunk sauce, superhero pose
Cans of veg, cans of roots, passive-aggressive citrus fruits
Rinsed beans, dry cake, now in the studio!

She didn't put out fires
She just answered phones
Although you'd never know
Some would call her a liar
But they're all just bitter
And her lawyer's with her

Fat in mince, bread knife, borrows Matt from his wife
Cheeky duo, rising star, laughing up a lung
Suing Tattle, printing pages, hasn't felt this good in ages
Nigella-lite, wants renewal, phone stays unrung

Big announcement coming soon, superfan is on the moon
Garden camping, buying paint, renovates the shed
Apologies to THAT MAN, camping stove, lots of cans
Youtube show? No but look, now she's shaved her head!

She didn't put out fires
She falls under trains
The Tories are to blame
Her food always looks dire
Salmon paste and rinsed beans
On a bed of tinned greens

On the train, pervy men, same old tit once again
Bloke says "hi", Jack gets mad, kicks him in the shin
New book, depressipes, This Morning, veg and cheese
Uncooked pasta, no chicken, straight into the bin

Posting books, all by hand, anything for her fans
None arrive, what's gone wrong? Blame the Royal Mail
Makeover for Instagram, lifts 93 kilograms
Fridge breaks, begs a Smeg, going off the rails

She didn't put out fires
She's a maverick leader
With a million readers
She's available for hire
Four jobs and patrons online
She's still on the breadline

Hellman's mayo, grey hair, Miguel Barclay sure looks scared
Potato salad, tofu sandwich, comments all turned off
Stays up late, many tweets, tucks her labia, then deletes
Now she has severe hayfever - wasn't it a cough?

Video in black and white, #JackLivesMatter so let's fight
White as mayo, small advance, where is Mrs J?
Racist drama, shielding mother, now here comes her black brother!
Lockdown haircut, Twitter break, lasts less than a day

She didn't put out fires
She supports black dreams
But just behind the scenes
Why do her fans admire
Her suspicious fiction
And Twitter addiction?

Lost weight, overshare, photoshops her body hair
Sexy photos in weird clothes, Stuart's going mad
Mrs J has run away, time for a new fiancée
Sports bra, skin-tight skirt, but she just looks sad

Grenfell Tower memories, nuggets of mince, fat and cheese
536 days off the booze
Marcus Rashford, Twitter fights, thirst trap photos, sleepless nights
Bathing in her own ephemera, hardly any views

She didn't put out fires
Small Boy's dad is helping
But she won't stop yelping
Maybe she should retire
She'll use her Hellman's riches
To sue Tattle witches
As the lawyers conspire
To pay legal fees, er,
She could sell a freezer?
While we sort court attire
She's triangulating
So let's all stop hating...

You just won the Internet. I am actually HOOTING with laughter here. I needed that so much, thank you xx

 

[I steal names]

You bunch of Chatty Cathies, I've just caught up! Her show sounds boring in the extreme tonight, but I'm still sick to the back teeth of not being able to watch live. Will it actually be worthwhile watching on insta later?

Meant to say, I also wondered about her maybe wearing a binder last week, but wondered if it was just down to the shirt. Sorry, I forget who also said this, it was about 40 pages ago

 

[Saturn.]

Cool. I'll bring my bass. Could send through a rhythm guitar track as well if you like, just so long as everybody records to a click.

Anybody play drums?

 

[Saint_clemmie]

You bunch of Chatty Cathies, I've just caught up! Her show sounds boring in the extreme tonight, but I'm still sick to the back teeth of not being able to watch live. Will it actually be worthwhile watching on insta later?

Buddy Oliver is still much better, enthusiastic and straight to the point, knocks up a decent recipe in a few mins. I’d rather watch that than Jacks 45 minutes of cringe.

 

[dazedandconfused]

Dear lord, she's the most awkward person to watch How on earth has she got this exposure so far?!
(New to thread and don't follow Jack, just dip in and out!)

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Will it actually be worthwhile watching on insta later?

Yes, absolutely xx No.

 

[Hunty]

I got bored so I wrote a song that covers the last 3 months of Jack's life.

To the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire"

Single mum, not a cook, newfound fame, writes a book
Alcoholic, vegan, trans, immunocompromised
THAT MAN on Channel 4, angry tweets, she's still poor,
Lockdown Larder, spinach cans, Daily Kitchen Live

Coughs a bit, stays at home, tech problems on her phone
Grated corned beef, horse spunk sauce, superhero pose
Cans of veg, cans of roots, passive-aggressive citrus fruits
Rinsed beans, dry cake, now in the studio!

She didn't put out fires
She just answered phones
Although you'd never know
Some would call her a liar
But they're all just bitter
And her lawyer's with her

Fat in mince, bread knife, borrows Matt from his wife
Cheeky duo, rising star, laughing up a lung
Suing Tattle, printing pages, hasn't felt this good in ages
Nigella-lite, wants renewal, phone stays unrung

Big announcement coming soon, superfan is on the moon
Garden camping, buying paint, renovates the shed
Apologies to THAT MAN, camping stove, lots of cans
Youtube show? No but look, now she's shaved her head!

She didn't put out fires
She falls under trains
The Tories are to blame
Her food always looks dire
Salmon paste and rinsed beans
On a bed of tinned greens

On the train, pervy men, same old tit once again
Bloke says "hi", Jack gets mad, kicks him in the shin
New book, depressipes, This Morning, veg and cheese
Uncooked pasta, no chicken, straight into the bin

Posting books, all by hand, anything for her fans
None arrive, what's gone wrong? Blame the Royal Mail
Makeover for Instagram, lifts 93 kilograms
Fridge breaks, begs a Smeg, going off the rails

She didn't put out fires
She's a maverick leader
With a million readers
She's available for hire
Four jobs and patrons online
She's still on the breadline

Hellman's mayo, grey hair, Miguel Barclay sure looks scared
Potato salad, tofu sandwich, comments all turned off
Stays up late, many tweets, tucks her labia, then deletes
Now she has severe hayfever - wasn't it a cough?

Video in black and white, #JackLivesMatter so let's fight
White as mayo, small advance, where is Mrs J?
Racist drama, shielding mother, now here comes her black brother!
Lockdown haircut, Twitter break, lasts less than a day

She didn't put out fires
She supports black dreams
But just behind the scenes
Why do her fans admire
Her suspicious fiction
And Twitter addiction?

Lost weight, overshare, photoshops her body hair
Sexy photos in weird clothes, Stuart's going mad
Mrs J has run away, time for a new fiancée
Sports bra, skin-tight skirt, but she just looks sad

Grenfell Tower memories, nuggets of mince, fat and cheese
536 days off the booze
Marcus Rashford, Twitter fights, thirst trap photos, sleepless nights
Bathing in her own ephemera, hardly any views

She didn't put out fires
Small Boy's dad is helping
But she won't stop yelping
Maybe she should retire
She'll use her Hellman's riches
To sue Tattle witches
As the lawyers conspire
To pay legal fees, er,
She could sell a freezer?
While we sort court attire
She's triangulating
So let's all stop hating...

Bloody amazing, I sang the whole thing in my head and was almost in tears laughing, absolute cracker

 

[I steal names]

Buddy Oliver is still much better, enthusiastic and straight to the point, knocks up a decent recipe in a few mins. I’d rather watch that than Jacks 45 minutes of cringe.

He's a wee gem. I think I mentioned before about seeing his mackerel video, really impressive.

 

[Tabitha D]

It's so boring. And Dee has just told Jack what to say (can I make ice-cream? yes, absolutely! Can I make cakes? Yes, absolutely!)

Is Dee from Hellmann’s, I wonder.

 

[Cattykins]

I think she must be doing the beginning bit on purpose, so bad it’s good! fair play I haven’t laughed that much all day.

 

[Aardvark]

The thing with the £10k+ fee is that it’s not necessarily reflecting her perceived status by Hellmann’s - it reflects the quantity and quality of content they’d get in return. Maybe an exclusive recipe from each Live that can be shared on other platforms, an edited snippet from the video that could be used as advertising like on a sponsored insta post etc

The fact she’s not even doing the bare minimum makes this an even worse investment

disclaimer - I’ve worked at a very similar company which also uses influencers in the same capacity so that’s how I know this

 

[TitsMcGee]

Twitter fishing has started early tonight.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

So, anyway...

 

[emmer_moans]

Damnit I missed the live and have spent the past hour catching up on the thread. Did anyone watch til the end of the live? What was the viewing figure towards the end?

 

[Silver Linings]

View attachment 155729

So, anyway...

My instinctive feeling is concern. But literally an hour and a half ago she was ok. I know everyone has elements of ok-ness, but this is Twitter Jack, not Jack Jack.

Damnit I missed the live and have spent the past hour catching up on the thread. Did anyone watch til the end of the live? What was the viewing figure towards the end?

160-190 ish.