Jack Monroe #261 Serial loser

[Orphan_Black]

Hi again! Omg my ailments are incredible. I obviously have phantom limb arthritis, in all four missing limbs. The migraines are off the scale but please don’t send ‘cures’ because I’ve tried them ALL. I’m currently trialling a homemade concoction of tinned mandarin juice, dust and ground-up vegan crackling (recipe coming soon, I promise). I’m not sure if it actually cures the migraines but I’m so sick after drinking it that I don’t notice the pain so much. Sorry to be a pain but could you DM your details again? I’m sure I have them but, as you’ve said, they’re buried somewhere in the forty quintillion unread messages in my inbox. I never completed “150 grifty tips for heads on a budget part 22” as I forgot to upload the manuscript and didn’t have Wi-Fi or some tit but I promise to send you Part 478 when completed. Take care. X

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Why am I reading this like a Adam & Joe show skit?!

(These are bloody hilarious! <3 )

 

[BlendedSlop]

Thread title: Why you cry? No WiFi.

 

[Five hundred dogs]

This I have no Wi-Fi and the dog ate my homework thing is just so Jack. I wonder what the real truth is, I mean I know there’s nothing resembling a finished manuscript but how does that work with telling the publisher there is? Will we never hear of it again or will she manage to cobble together a book which actually sees the light of day? Enquiring minds want to know.

 

[Shimmering]

Is anyone else excited to see what chaos happens to prevent her emailing across the manuscript of "1001 surprising uses for drain hair"?

 

[Smeghead]

Hi again! Omg my ailments are incredible. I obviously have phantom limb arthritis, in all four missing limbs. The migraines are off the scale but please don’t send ‘cures’ because I’ve tried them ALL. I’m currently trialling a homemade concoction of tinned mandarin juice, dust and ground-up vegan crackling (recipe coming soon, I promise). I’m not sure if it actually cures the migraines but I’m so sick after drinking it that I don’t notice the pain so much. Sorry to be a pain but could you DM your details again? I’m sure I have them but, as you’ve said, they’re buried somewhere in the forty quintillion unread messages in my inbox. I never completed “150 grifty tips for heads on a budget part 22” as I forgot to upload the manuscript and didn’t have Wi-Fi or some tit but I promise to send you Part 478 when completed. Take care. X

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Jack, please take care of yourself. You’ve been doing so much good for the past 500+ years and working incredibly hard, but you have to have some ‘you’ time too. Have you had a holiday?
The tinned mandarin juice, dust and ground-up vegan crackling concoction sounds amazing. I suffer from migraines too ever since a macro-lobotomy caused by too much tinned sardines. Only thing is, I’m allergic to dust - could I swap it for brown shoe polish?
I’ve DM’d my details again, looking forward to receiving the books.
PS are you still selling those ‘heads in jars can’t riot’ headbands?

 

[Rekyavikgirl]

The WiFi ate my homework

 

[jenny2603]

Is anyone else excited to see what chaos happens to prevent her emailing across the manuscript of "1001 surprising uses for drain hair"?

I cannot wait. If I was Jack I would simply ask "a mate" perhaps the one who gave her the made to measure curtains if I could use their internet to send a thing to my publisher, though I fear this may prove impossible as they're Russian and very worried about world events and everyone where they live has covid and there's been a flood. Also the effin Tories have shut every library in the South of England so no internet there and also my laptop has been hacked and all my stuff has been deleted. I can't believe something I've been working on every day for the last two years has been wiped, why do these things always happen to me? Here is a selfie of my sad little face, Rish Mate.

 

[Orphan_Black]

I hope her publisher gave her a right bollocking (if there's ANY truth at all to her story.)


Maybe the BBQ sauce purple hair dye seeped into her magnificent maverick mind and made her go all silly? Plausible.

 

[EllaEm87]

This has me howling.

She literally just googled "Scottish author" and went for Ian Rankin.

So swiftly put back in her box.

When she said this yesterday I was genuinely wondering if I’d read it in one of his books. It’s not really his style. Thanks for confirming I haven’t gone mad, Ian!

 

[Lazarus]

Agreed.

I mean, they might comment on how tit the tattoos are and that they look like they were drawn by a drunk toddler, but I don't think many people give much a tit about them anymore.

It all feeds in to the victim mentality, I feel.

 

[FlirtyThirty]

What does outwith even mean in context? This is from someone who thought somewhen was an actual word because it is where I’m from.

 

[jenny2603]

I hope her publisher gave her a right bollocking (if there's ANY truth at all to her story.)


Maybe the BBQ sauce purple hair dye seeped into her magnificent maverick mind and made her go all silly? Plausible.

If I was the publisher, I would look at my phone and say "excuse me Jack, I just need to nip outside and make a quick private call" and then I would simply keep walking.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

This has me howling.

She literally just googled "Scottish author" and went for Ian Rankin.

So swiftly put back in her box.

Maybe Jack has been spending too much time on Scottish Twitter, again...

 

[jenny2603]

What does outwith even mean in context? This is from someone who thought somewhen was an actual word because it is where I’m from.

Sort of like outside, so you might say something like "people living in Glasgow can contact their local authority but those living outwith Glasgow need to call the national helpline".

 

[HotesTilaire]

Can’t believe that Jack couldn’t use the free WiFi on the train, train station or anywhere in central London. Awful isn’t it, and she showed everyone the “working” title page on the twitternets.

 

[jenny2603]

Can’t believe that Jack couldn’t use the free WiFi on the train, train station or anywhere in central London. Awful isn’t it, and she showed everyone the “working” title page on the twitternets.

At least that will offer the publisher some assurance that the manuscript is ready as it wouldn't have a cover otherwise.

 

[Veronicaaa]

What does outwith even mean in context? This is from someone who thought somewhen was an actual word because it is where I’m from.

Outwith in context - Jack's excuses are outwith the realms of possibility. Thorpe Bay is outwith the most deprived communities in England. It's actually a really useful word. Jack can't use it though, obvs. It's outwith her expertise.

 

[Boyo]

Jack, please take care of yourself. You’ve been doing so much good for the past 500+ years and working incredibly hard, but you have to have some ‘you’ time too. Have you had a holiday?
The tinned mandarin juice, dust and ground-up vegan crackling concoction sounds amazing. I suffer from migraines too ever since a macro-lobotomy caused by too much tinned sardines. Only thing is, I’m allergic to dust - could I swap it for brown shoe polish?
I’ve DM’d my details again, looking forward to receiving the books.
PS are you still selling those ‘heads in jars can’t riot’ headbands?

Thankyou so much. It’s so lovely to hear this much love in this hellscape. No holiday yet (apart from America, Edinburgh, France, the Outer Rim Territories and the Borg Homeworld) but as soon as my next book is submitted I’m heading off somewhere!
Dust/shoe-polish substitution? Yes absolutely! x
You’re in luck - I’ve just had a new consignment of headbands in! All profits go to the Peaky Mink Trust for Homeless Sock Accounts (once my overheads have been deducted and remaining cash washed through my offshore accounts).
Stay in touch

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Her claims are getting wilder. Is she really saying that she uses mobile data to run her website, zoom calls, media appearances, book writing/editing? Send everything back and forth from laptop to phone via a tether connection? I'm flabbergasted. The grift is reaching to whole new levels and it's all so ridiculous. Even the daftest mug of a Squig is surely wondering how the f she's saying she has no home internet

 

[SweetTransvestite]

I wish with all my heart she would go on an ill informed rant about Russia and tag Putin.

We're now at the level of batshit fuckery and rampaging megalomaniac narcissism that she's probably back at the crappy bungalow feverishly planning 'Jack Monroe's Bargain Breakdown Bunker' whilst decanting jars of Smartprice Beetroot into stolen milk bottles.