Jack Monroe #195 She basically writes fan-fiction about herself

[MancBee]

Lads, just realised I'm going to be in Scotland during the Edinburgh anniversary!!!🔺️ What do you think is the best way to celebrate?
1. By eating all of my meals at Dishoom/Five Guys/other generic chain restaurant
2. By packing all of my kitchen appliances in my suitcase then forcing a local charity to drive miles out of their way take them off my hands
3. Cooking slop in my aparthotel kitchen then forcing it on some unsuspecting homeless people (or just some poor guy who happens to be sitting on a nearby park bench).

4. Go to the local Sainsbury's, buy up all the yellow sticker items. Cook them into slop, photograph them using your tongue, chuck it all in the bin and go out to 5 Guys.

 

[Jelly Bean]

It seems like the person in question is quite a young journalist too. Not that that should matter in and of itself, but at the start of your career you're probably more concerned with towing the party (media) line, because it's likely to get more shares that way, and you won't want to piss off possible future colleagues.

Well we all know how it will go:
'There is a corner of the internet called Tattle Life where people, mainly women, gather to criticise and mock influencers and celebrities. Tattle Life is a 'hate site' and it seems nothing is off limits and there is no moderating.
I reached out to admins to give their side of the story but received no reply. I also asked posters for a comment, but mostly they are all too intimidated to speak out. One previous member however did contact me to say she was ashamed of herself posting on Tattle Life and had got carried away. She was too scared to post anything positive about influencers as it was an automatic ban if that happened.... ' and blah blah blah so it goes on.

 

[Switchstreetz]

babe, same x

I was all alone in my sweltering office, wearing my yellow dress, happily chuckling my lurky self through thread 31 and

BAM!

"hi (nonnymouse). jack here. this is libel"

i jumped out of my skin and before I knew it, I'd texted my dad her to-do list

I was still grunking my through the threads trying to catch up (remember when that was a realistic goal!) there's some posts from me in one of the early thirties threads naively spouting off like "wow thread 20-whatever was wild, I don't possibly see how it can get crazier than this"

And the OG coven are just like
"no one tell her"

So glad no one hit me with a spoiler, so I got to experience the shock of Jack's sudden appearance and I rushed to the newest thread at the time to be like "WHAT?! SHE'S HERE?!"

Aaaaaa I'm genuinely nostalgic for last summer on here now. You lot literally made the pandemic bearable and even hilarious. Love to you all Frauen & Herrs x

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Not the Landslide cover again! I cry. If you missed it in February, I made my own version using solely sounds from the audio or that were otherwise Jack-derived (the synth comes from a bitmap of her stupid smug face) and re-arranged all the words to make them more accurate. After that I was expecting her to take the video down. Perhaps it was a case of shutting the stable door after the lasagne horse had bolted. Her version is both a different key to the original and is very ...microtonal I'm sure it's because she's a maverick genius and doesn't adhere to the Western system of twelve-tone equal temperament and not because she's musically incompetent.

 

[hollowhusk]

maybe the aparthotel stay is for a review for the breakdown?

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Is this her basically drifting and asking for free holidays for people to write about in her blog with 11.5K twitter followers?

Between that and raising £15000 for a book which never materialised maybe she needs her own thread.

 

[Mr Krabs]

So HG is getting a free glamping trip, despite being too ill to work a 9-5 job. Grandpa Joe. Her and Jack are basically like Grandpa Joe, malingering in bed until a freebie comes along to snap up. And Jack would so make cabbage soup.

Jack singing Landslide reminds me of this annoying girl at my school who used to always volunteer to sing in assemblies. She had the most awful nasal voice and faux American accent. Her parents are rich so she is still working on her ‘singing career’ and sod all else.

 

[kachoochoo]

Oxford Tattle Dictionary

bean-rinser [pron bi:n rìnsr]

def: a term for someone who invents and then undertakes pointless and tedious tasks to give the appearance of working rather than actually doing anything useful (thankspaceyou @bowiethesdmn, thankspaceyou for the words)

usage: I have made bubble bath in the slow cooker and a new reading nook out of a sideboard and some wallpaper. have I posted any beige postcards? have I fuck as like. I'm such a bean-rinser!

 

[Lizz((o))]

The more I learn about the Breakdown the more I don’t blame Jack for staying the hell away (she should never have accepted the position of writing monthly for them though).

As an actual severe depressive* and music lover I couldn’t resist checking out that list. Here it is if anyone else is curious, so we don’t give them the clicks. I’m shocked that a certain cover of Landslide isn’t included.

(*edited to add. I’m not mentioning the depression thing in a sad-fishing way, I just love that it gives me a legitimate reason/perspective to dismiss everything Hat*ies’s magazine is about ).

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I would rather guide my dad into my mum than listen to this.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Is it progress that she's said she was taking a social media break because she "fancied it" rather than alluding to some terrible health problem (of her own or someone else's)?

 

[ChickenPorridge]

I think her brand is truly dead tbh. She got so contradictory in her statements and actions that she had to turn off comments on almost everything she posts. The Linda collab was the kiss of death after she'd spent the year waxing lyrical about eyehole and arsehole sausages. She's always loved a bit of outrage marketing but went too far with that one I think

 

[Flash123]

Does the left one on ‘bag of tricks’ say sack oil?

Concrete and cheese soda bread
White sauce ‘sleazy”

 

[Pocahontas]

Blogger ... freeloader ... whoever she is, girl needs to change her ‘last seen’ activity settings.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Jack's faved this, which is hilarious to me, as the only time Jack talks about PRs is to bitch about them sending her the wrong emails and freebies.

 

[Saint_clemmie]

Happy Jack Day!
Shall have a piss and a sandwich in celebration, if that's ok with you?

 

[kachoochoo]

just had a peeky mink at her mentions and this photo is everything!

 

[MooBelle]

She hasn't left, she's just moved across to a sock puppet account. God knows which one because she has loads of them.
This is all planned, as is her grand return whenever it may be. Granted she's lasted longer than ever before, but still fits the formula.
Big health announcement, usually followed by some imaginary or faked medical intervention.
Then...THE SILENCE
Then THE RETURN
Followed by I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
Narc has to get her supply, she's loving the 'where are you Jack' vibes.

 

[Mr Krabs]

I hope Jack stays away. I don’t care why she is (although I am more inclined to support the view she is on a sock puppet and will hail her own glorious ‘return’ at some point). Her Patreon is still live and the Twitter tip jar etc - if she was turning over a new leaf, they would have to go.

Grifter Hattie should be ashamed of herself but of course these people don’t have any shame or they wouldn’t be so brazen to begin with. If you are still reading, Hattie - pay your fucking way, like the rest of us. Your review, in your shitty online magazine, which is barely more than advertorials of dubious products by your own “PR company” and has almost zero reach and no influence whatsoever, does not constitute fair payment to that company that has barely been able to trade for 18 months.

A bigger bunch of charlatans and frauds would be hard to find, the the social media scroungers. Fucking shameless wretched people.

In a time when so many people are struggling with their mental health, The Breakdown could have been an amazing opportunity to report on mental health issues of the day. I can think of many interesting stories that could have been covered around things like the shutdown of mental health services during COVID, increase in antidepressant use etc. I actually think that proper reporting on mental health issues is sorely needed.

But instead we get the usual shitty lifestyle blog that’s centred around ‘buying shit for mah mental health’. Try to find a single article on there that isn’t about buying one product or another, or going to expensive classes or some crap.

I’m a freelancer myself, so I know the struggle to earn a decent wage. I write a lot of absolutely boring shit (on my cheap, not Apple laptop), and have branched out into some truly tedious stuff like bid writing just because it pays well. While battling some pretty serious depression BTW. I really dislike the freelancers who waste money on the expensive kit, only want to do jobs that interest them, and then moan and rattle the tip jar because they’re not earning enough. I sympathise with whatever mental and physical ailments Hattie suffers from, but agh she gets on my tits.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

The more I learn about the Breakdown the more I don’t blame Jack for staying the hell away (she should never have accepted the position of writing monthly for them though).

As an actual severe depressive* and music lover I couldn’t resist checking out that list. Here it is if anyone else is curious, so we don’t give them the clicks. I’m shocked that a certain cover of Landslide isn’t included.

(*edited to add. I’m not mentioning the depression thing in a sad-fishing way, I just love that it gives me a legitimate reason/perspective to dismiss everything Hat*ies’s magazine is about ).

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Ugh. I hate how this kind of nonsense reduces depression down to just feeling 'a bit fed up/a bit low', which is a normal human emotion and NOT a bloody illness. The depressed spells I go through leave me unable to function, and I rely on a lot of care from my husband. Know what I don't do? I don't listen to music, as a) have such overwhelming apathy, b) am so brain fogged that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on music and take it in. You could play me a song and I wouldn't actually 'hear' it . I'm afraid a "catchy chorus" would not help me "shake off any negative feelings" FFS

 

[HotesTilaire]

Bellend Towers
Am unclear whether the artist has a fanny cake policy, I’d guess it’s likely.

 

[Flash123]

I thought Jack had invaded the BBC good food Facebook group with that comment! And I’m baffled at the idea of putting clotted cream in a curry as the first suggestion!