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Thread title suggestionshe's finally gone viral.
There’s a show on Channel 4 right now called Chefs vs Corner Shop! Right up in Jack’s niche!? Or what COULD be her niche if she bothered her Mediterranean arse!
Not only that but the onion skins are included as well! Hmmm, tasty. Said no one.I missed this from the end of the last thread - what’s got a Tupperware full of onion peelings for? It gets crushed down ... for what?
Why does she always say "canned" instead of "tinned" ? I've never known anyone call products "canned" weird.Congratulations to @Captainmouse for the thread title! Nominated by three other posters, no less: @Petelgeuse, @Boyo, and @Minky McMoneypenny. A trifecta of nominations, well done Mouse. A plate of kumquats for you.
Recap of thread #118
- There were more eggs - this time of both chicken and fish, and mingling together on toast.
- She had to go into isolation. But it’s ok, she has her clipboard. She’s ‘been training [her] whole life for this’.
- What do you mean the ‘whole family doesn’t have to isolate?’ IT’S MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT. That’s why she deigns to post barely formulated lies on Twitter.
- Please trust her to run her own household, she’s been ‘doing it for 15 years’. And how dare you base an opinion on something she has chosen to post about publicly?
- Stop worrying about her, she is going to be just fine. (Yep, she really, really is.)
- For those silly enough to be her patrons, don’t expect anything in the post.
- Louisa tested positive for Covid.
- She appears to be knitting herself a little blanky friend.
- Christmas dinner-a-plenty has been uploaded onto Twitter, along with some sort of avant-garde film.
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
*****
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
[*]
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
- She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
[*][*]
- Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
Now I did warn you before about this gravy of nightmares, but here you are:That was going through my mind too!
Have I missed the gravy again?
Please show me the gravy!!!!!
I think she should be called a food assassin because she is good at destroying foodI've never seen roast vegetables look so greasy beforeA cook, Jack is not.
He’s my first memory of anxiety, we were made to draw him on a school trip (in primary school!) which is really quite bad tbh. There’s also not much to draw he’s shrivelled up?Ginger scared the crap out of me when I was 8. It was having red hair that did it, as it made him 'like me' instead of a dead Egyptian.
Ooh, I had not thought of that. If she's not feeling too ill now. She soon will be.I hope this isn’t louisa’s birthday cake
Fixed it.Chicken. Free range. Edinburgh.
Why does she always say "canned" instead of "tinned" ? I've never known anyone call products "canned" weird.
In what world is using stock 'controversial'Now I did warn you before about this gravy of nightmares, but here you are:
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Unfortunately we are a family of very greedy goblins who have normal small pig in blanket plus big pig in blanket too! But I use butcher bacon and chipolata, obviously doing it wrong not using eyelid sausage & (cheap wet ) baconWhy is she re-working recipes she’s only just had published? I doubt the Daily Express own exclusive rights to a bunch of generic Christmas recipes. Is she admitting already they were shit and needed re-doing?
Pigs in blankets are so good because they’re tiny little addictive morsels. Nobody wants full-size sausages. Not everything needs changing. Also take the string off the chicken Jack.
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