Jack Monroe #119 She says lots of things, many of which are false

[Captainmouse]

Why is is she feeling so "rotten" when there's been no actual confirmation of her diagnosis?

Chronic lazyitis

I think she must have been taught to cook by Blackadder’s Baldrick.

The problem is, she hasn’t been taught to cook, she’s constantly winging it

 

[Walkdengirl]

I know why that miserable 'Christmas' pile of nihilism on a plate bothers some fraus.

It's the meanspirited half effort made by the ex mother in law on the day you were informed that you had to go there rather than have your own Christmas 'Because visiting family is what middleclass families do'.

You aren't allowed to give the kids all their presents to wake up with, as it's not the done thing, so they've had three each. You've been told that because you'll be eating Dinner soon, you're not to let them have anything more than toast or a bowl of cereal at 8.30am, rather than making a proper Christmas Breakfast accompanied by a Bucks Fizz or boozy coffee as he's going to be driving, so you aren't allowed either. 11.30am comes and you dutifully wrangle children into acceptable clothing when they just want to play with toys and watch Christmas movies. You drive in silence to deepest Suburbia, past houses full of giggling children and cycling lessons in the streets and parks.

Once you arrive, you notice just how little has been decorated. There's a thirty year old and dusty like a long dead Aunt decoration on the inside porch door - no putting a wreath on the outside, as somebody said once that wreath mean 'All Welcome' and nobody wants that. The Christmas Tree lights are off 'because it's not Christmas Eve any more'. It's either deathly silent or the father in law is going through his 27 CD collection of Christmas carols as performed by a synthesizer orchestra from the early 70s as per A Clockwork Orange . The dogs have been shut out in the garden and the washing still stands on an airer in the conservatory.

Three hours later, the other sibling and spouse turn up. MIL now goes into firefighting mode as there are SIX people in the house. Dinner is nearly ready, apparently, not that you can smell anything. The children are allocated a plastic table in the conservatory next to the FIL's Y fronts in case they giggle. You assemble hopefully, thinking that it can't really all be ready from the two saucepans you've seen boiling for the last hour in the kitchen. You've offered to help, but this has been turned down.

And then the plates arrive. You have one small slice of white/grey meat, skin removed. There are two pieces of slightly greasy, yellowish potato about the size of a Jersey Royal. Three strips of carrot. A piece of greying broccoli in its own puddle of cold cooking water. And about a tablespoon of chicken Oxo. That's it. You're sitting there in silence, feeling vaguely jealous of the dogs in the garden who have been given their own Turkey leg each as part of their raw feeding regime. The kids come back from the pants drying area to see where the rest of the food is. There is no more food; she's already slightly miffed that they expected more than one potato each. MIL declares that she is simply full to the brim and won't eat again today as everybody has had so much to eat already as she picks up the plates and goes to wash up, refusing your offer to help/escape from the silence, punctuated by a soundtrack you associate with beating somebody to death with a giant china phallus.

Then it's Present Time. You all have to sit down and take turns in opening the things you never wanted, including the 18 months out of date biscuits that FIL retrieved from a skip next door to his workplace. This goes on for so long that it's getting dark. But you're obliged to stay until after even the smaller shops have closed. The TV never goes on. Eventually, you leave after being offered a tablespoon of Christmas Pudding. There is no ice cream or anything the kids would have liked. Even a single cup of tea is accompanied by the instruction to use the secondhand teabag on the side as 'You can get two cups of tea from a teabag, you know'.

You take your bottle of £2 bubblebath, regifted diary and packet of biros from the Pound Shop (because middleclass families 'don't waste money on fancy presents'), get home and go back to a home that would have been warm, bright and comfortable. The food would have been joyful and filled with colour and flavour, the kids would have played and relaxed and eaten and watched a film cuddled up on the sofa in their new pyjamas whilst you finished the evening with the warm and fuzzy glow of a couple of drinks. And you think 'I am never, ever doing that again'.

Have you ever seen the Victoria wood monologue when she talks about Christmas? Very funny.

 

[Veronicaaa]

What I don't understand* is why on earth she would 'debut' this new reworked Christmas menu on twitter, rather than doing the work involved in getting it on her website and *then* unveiling it with a link to each recipe. She's so thick.

*I do really - it's because all that matters to Jack is the constant ping of new twitter notifications from her sycophants and psychopaths

 

[Professor Slop]

I just wanted to thank you all for being so kind, witty and overall lovely. I've just being grunkaing during a very boring talk on zoom and the number of times I had to try and hide my giggles (video must be on!) was numerous - then came Mel Donte slopbot!

I've had a pretty crap year work wise, now on my 3rd short term contract of the year and I came within 1 day of being let go in November. Although it has gotten to me, you lot were a hugely welcome distraction from fretting about how I'd pay my mortgage. One which I'll still be needing as I've got until Feb before it potentially runs out again.

Much love and gratitude to you all, and I hope you all have as lovely a holiday period as you can. xx

 

[Captainmouse]

Where’s the embarassed/mortified emoji?
somebody at work mangled a word, so numpty here, without thinking, pipes up autocarrot
Getting some very odd looks. too much tattle time methinks.

 

[Incywincy]

i feel really sad about people making this christmas dinner and having a horrible meal on a day that is supposed to bring the much needed happiness that so many people need this year! Even if some of the components are salvageable it'll all be ruined once you pour that absolutely foul gravy all over it

Quoting you but several other posts said similar things.

I don't think we're giving these people enough credit. They are just as human as we are. If we can see that this looks like horse tit, why wouldn't they?

If they then go on to make it, well that's their own silly fault.

It's common sense, surely???????

 

[Cookiecookie]

That cake! Those hands! Why?

 

[Incywincy]

Just checked Jack's likes and saw the one I screenshot the other day.. one of the users no longer exists??? Strange.

ETA looks like they may have just caused their own Twitter chaos and flounced

 

[jenny2603]

i feel really sad about people making this christmas dinner and having a horrible meal on a day that is supposed to bring the much needed happiness that so many people need this year! Even if some of the components are salvageable it'll all be ruined once you pour that absolutely foul gravy all over it

I'd like to think the only reason someone would attempt the 'Jack Kills Christmas' menu would be as a pass agg protest against having to cook at all but then I look at the Sqigs comments and fear that human stupidity is far deeper and more widespread than I feared. That said I too am traumatised by the very idea of that gravy to the point where I'm wondering if a good ten minute howl 'n' claw might bring some relief.

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

I've found the perfect album for Jack to enjoy whilst she suffers the worst bout of Covid ever.

 

[Brian Butterfield]

Someone PLEASE make this make sense.

Jack’s Timeline

14th December

Jack tweets about the school having to have Jonny isolate because of his teacher having Covid. But she doesn’t need to - however presents 100 reasons as to why she does. No mention of Louisa having Covid. However Louisa has since deleted her tweet about ‘testing positive’View attachment 350108


15th December

The BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. As everyone on Tattle predicted, Jack used the tale of SB and her multiple reasons for isolating as to why she couldn’t fulfil any posting obligations ‘incase her handling and signing goods means some catches something from her’. Which she doesn’t know if she has or not? When challenged, she doesn’t reply.

View attachment 350109

16th December

The slop! A late contender for the sloppies. The tweets with the foul Christmas dinner appears - along with multiple hints at how poorly she is and being under a weighted blanket. How has she cooked this stuff if so poorly? Why has Louisa deleted the tweet?

View attachment 350110

View attachment 350111

So in the space of 48 hours, Jack has gone from making up she has to isolate because of her son being in contact with someone having Covid at school, to then Louisa tweeting she has it and deleting it, to then creating a tonne of slop to suddenly insinuating she has Covid.

SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

SHAN'T

 

[zeedoubleu]

Only Jack would announce they have to self-isolate due to their son's school bubble bursting, then bark at everyone in classic Jack Facebook circa 2009 style that 'there's MORE TO IT THAN THAT but I don't WANT TO SAY WHAT' when very reasonably told that only SB needs to self-isolate, and then within hours suddenly be apparently very ill with Covid-19 symptoms. The narrative just totally flipped and as usual her idiot followers lapped it up. Why does everything have to be a half-truth, why does everything have to be so complicated, why the constant drama...

 

[Alansbigplate]

 

[HotesTilaire]

I will say that Jack is above average at photography. Which makes it all the worse that this latest golden Xmas slop is so weird looking. I’ve seen one of the carrots is bent at a right angle she must have put turmeric on the spuds and bird (or the gold sparkle from the custard) would it have been so difficult to put some paprika on the prawn cocktail?
And what’s this now £2.82 per person - so £11.28 for this 3 course “dinner” for 4?
She doesn’t have a proper USP.
Is it foodie cooking on a budget
Is it budget cooking
Is it zero waste
Is it vegan/vegetarian
NO it’s not exactly any of those but it might sort of be some of them

 

[Ladderedtights]

Is there a In Law Hell thread? I am morbidly fascinated. I am fascinated at how people can be terrible hosts or stick to tradition to the point where everyone is miserable!
Imagine SB bringing a wee gf or bf home in his teens

...duck off!

ETA: Didn’t mean to write ‘stop it cooking’ in my precious post I meant ‘burning’!

 

[zeedoubleu]

This kind of reminds me of Jack's 'very good reason' why she was using that weird comic book filter that she said she was going to announce, because she was getting so much tit about how jarring it was. Of course, there was never any announcement, because there was no reason. Some dumb squiggle suggested maybe there was a reason she was using it and Jack obviously just ran with it. Such a drama llama.

 

[NP]

Is there a In Law Hell thread? I am morbidly fascinated. I am fascinated at how people can be terrible hosts or stick to tradition to the point where everyone is miserable!
Imagine SB bringing a wee gf or bf home in his teens

...duck off!

There’s a Reddit sub called JustNoMIL with is addictive reading. Take some of stories with a pinch of salt but some of it is so toxic but also fascinating to read.

This kind of reminds me of Jack's 'very good reason' why she was using that weird comic book filter that she said she was going to announce, because she was getting so much tit about how jarring it was. Of course, there was never any announcement, because there was no reason. Some dumb squiggle suggested maybe there was a reason she was using it and Jack obviously just ran with it. Such a drama llama.

Same goes for her big reveal for the awful sideboard posing which never came to anything.

 

[Candytuft]

nb. L doesn’t actually say she herself has tested positive. It’s definitely inferred. Could be her, or someone she has been in contact with.
Made for each other, them two.

 

[blurstoftimes]

Quoting you but several other posts said similar things.

I don't think we're giving these people enough credit. They are just as human as we are. If we can see that this looks like horse tit, why wouldn't they?

If they then go on to make it, well that's their own silly fault.

It's common sense, surely???????

i get what you mean, and i don't mean it in a pitying or patronising way - i just know people (like my mum for example) who really don't know / care much about cooking so might just trust Jack if they're on a budget because they are already a fan of hers. There must be some people out there being tricked into making this crap, you generally assume someone who's recipes are featured in a newspaper at least slightly know what they're talking about!

i've been tricked into trusting recipes that sound gross on paper because I like the chef and then been hugely disappointed with the results even though i knew it sounded wrong initially *cough Ottolenghi yoghurt pasta cough* but thankfully never on christmas day!

 

[Aardvark]

The use of baking spread in gravy is Baking spread is designed for just that - baking. It can (in some people’s opinion) make a better cake, but really for a lot of people the fact it is softer straight out the fridge makes it a lot easier to use than butter.
Importantly - it’s disgusting on its own. It works because you then mix it with eggs and sugar and all the things that make baking tasty. It’s a functional product, not a tasty one.
Also, it’s not necessarily cheaper than normal soft spread, which at least is designed to be tasted and eaten in savoury things without the flavour being masked. None of it makes any sense why that would be the ingredient you’d add to the gravy, and to my knowledge she doesn’t ever bake, so it shouldn’t even be in her fridge?