Jack Monroe #110 Hands up, who likes me?

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Minky McMoneypenny

Minky McMoneypenny

Sorry, panic-picked the thread title because there weren't any nominations that I could see by sorting most popular.

Round up of #109 courtesy of @Switchstreetz

So far Jack has:
- Buried the chaos of her nasty weekend spree on twitter by briefly pulling out some google translate Swedish

- "This is my 55 inch tv it just rests on the fireplace where it could fall and hurt someone tee hee aren't i quirky" ignore the picture hook on the wall, im sure jack would NEVER stage a photo for attention on twitter...

- Span her wheel of excuses for owning an expensive thing. The TV was from a charity shop an extra delivered by mistake found in a puddle sold to her by her parents. I know some of us just need "it fell out the sky and into my lap" to get a full house on jack bingo

- Never mind, she's picking up where she left off and trying to reignite fights on twitter

- A brave squiggle clapped back and left JM speechless, they briefly joined tattle for a victory lap (we applaud you funkyraspberry) but returned to the depths of twitter

- General squiggle dissent is on the rise as the holes in jacks narrative are being questioned more and more

- Thriftyshadesofbeige.com has vanished....hope no one was looking forward to their postcards

- BB was blamed for breaking the garden hose. The first process of buying a new tube was too complicated for these FEMALES so jack called her dad and declared it feminism

- We learned there is actually one thing on this earth that can part jack monroe from twitter, and its being asked to get involved in charity with no financial gain for herself

- She replied "Let's get balls deep in a coliseum" (not a direct quote) or something, the gist was "DM me and stop publicly asking me to help so i can ignore you"

- She made a twitter poll "if i could only write about one which should it be: poverty or food?" sadly "the truth" was not an option. The compliments came flooding in as she expected.

- Jack claims that Eamonn Holmes praised her 'specific' skillset. We do not know how hard he was laughing when he said this.

- the colouring pencils were back out. Did you know you can put your chickpea curry in a slow cooker for even less texture!

- Dawn French replied to her boring scone tweet. Blue tick arse kissing Jack made an appearance
 
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funkyraspberry

funkyraspberry

Someone on the previous thread just mentioned how cringeworthy it was for her to post the compliments from her peers, which triggered a repressed memory.

Remember when she actually had the audacity to ask people on Twitter to SEND HER WRITTEN COMPLIMENTS IN THE POST to be filed away in one of her bloody folders? Like... did that actually happen or am I hallucinating. The narcissism. The oddness. The cringe.
 
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Switchstreetz

Switchstreetz

Newcomers' guide:
[*]
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.

Louisa LEFT but came back and is now 'BB' (Bubble Buddy)

Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’

**New**
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’
She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:
  • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
  • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
  • Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
  • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
  • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
  • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
  • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
  • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
  • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
[*]
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

  • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
[*][*]
 
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GothPrincess

GothPrincess

I’ve stayed away for a while as I just get all Jacked out. She never bleeping changes. She really is vile. Triangulate me. Come to my house. Bring it on. She makes me so angry. It’s no wonder I have to leave here for a while at times!
That hand written list. What an utter waste of time. The £20 a week shop. Total bullshit.

The squirty cream on scones. It’s ok. I’m vegan and have eaten them like that.

Hope everyone is ok btw 😊
 
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L

Lastoftheflumps

I had at one point two phones full of twitter hate as a man was harassing me and I had to keep them as I had to go to police.

However. I scrubbed the lot and they are still on iCloud. You can’t let the hate weigh you down. Not that I think people are sending her hate. It actually got to the point that my phone was so full of crap I couldn’t do anything else with it. Who needs that? No one.

If you do get hate on twitter it weighs you down. I had people tweeting me photos of guns with my name on them.

And I’m not Jack. I’m not famous. I’m a very ordinary person. It made me unwell.

Why on earth would you want to keep a screenshot of every person who ever sent you abuse. I couldn’t wait to get rid of the rubbish I was sent. It was like a millstone around my neck.

Personally. I’m the kind of person if people hate me it weighs me down. I’m a natural worrier and I’m not just a shrug off kind of person. So honestly? I hate twitter. It’s horrible and it’s toxic. Why expose yourself to all that nonsense and then give it the poor me.

Just get off the platform. Don’t bang on about how crap it is and stay there. Leave.

If people send you abuse. Block them. Don’t screenshot it all and then cry about it. Get rid of it all.
 
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funkyraspberry

funkyraspberry

Lastoftheflumps said:
I had at one point two phones full of twitter hate as a man was harassing me and I had to keep them as I had to go to police.

However. I scrubbed the lot and they are still on iCloud. You can’t let the hate weigh you down. Not that I think people are sending her hate. It actually got to the point that my phone was so full of crap I couldn’t do anything else with it. Who needs that? No one.

If you do get hate on twitter it weighs you down. I had people tweeting me photos of guns with my name on them.

And I’m not Jack. I’m not famous. I’m a very ordinary person. It made me unwell.

Why on earth would you want to keep a screenshot of every person who ever sent you abuse. I couldn’t wait to get rid of the rubbish I was sent. It was like a millstone around my neck.

Personally. I’m the kind of person if people hate me it weighs me down. I’m a natural worrier and I’m not just a shrug off kind of person. So honestly? I hate twitter. It’s horrible and it’s toxic. Why expose yourself to all that nonsense and then give it the poor me.

Just get off the platform. Don’t bang on about how crap it is and stay there. Leave.

If people send you abuse. Block them. Don’t screenshot it all and then cry about it. Get rid of it all.
Click to expand...
Absolutely.

It must be unbelievably unpleasant to have to deal with a vast amount of public attention, good or bad. I know I definitely couldn't cope with always having people commenting/sharing/demanding things of me - and that's before we even get into the really awful stuff that almost every public figure has to deal with online. Agree with it or not, it is for par for the course right now in our digital age.

Jack cannot deal with this element of being famous. She can't ignore, can't let anything go or rise above in the way other (if not most) celebrities do. I think in this respect she's more akin to being an influencer - they seem to be the only people who want to pick apart the bad comments and shine light on them. Your Nigellas and Jamies of the world simply pay no mind.

Solution? Step away. But we all know that (despite her saying otherwise), she LOVES the fame.
 
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Alansbigplate

Alansbigplate

Minky McMoneypenny said:
Sorry, panic-picked the thread title because there weren't any nominations that I could see by sorting most popular.

Round up of #109 courtesy of @Switchstreetz

So far Jack has:
- Buried the chaos of her nasty weekend spree on twitter by briefly pulling out some google translate Swedish

- "This is my 55 inch tv it just rests on the fireplace where it could fall and hurt someone tee hee aren't i quirky" ignore the picture hook on the wall, im sure jack would NEVER stage a photo for attention on twitter...

- Span her wheel of excuses for owning an expensive thing. The TV was from a charity shop an extra delivered by mistake found in a puddle sold to her by her parents. I know some of us just need "it fell out the sky and into my lap" to get a full house on jack bingo

- Never mind, she's picking up where she left off and trying to reignite fights on twitter

- A brave squiggle clapped back and left JM speechless, they briefly joined tattle for a victory lap (we applaud you funkyraspberry) but returned to the depths of twitter

- General squiggle dissent is on the rise as the holes in jacks narrative are being questioned more and more

- Thriftyshadesofbeige.com has vanished....hope no one was looking forward to their postcards

- BB was blamed for breaking the garden hose. The first process of buying a new tube was too complicated for these FEMALES so jack called her dad and declared it feminism

- We learned there is actually one thing on this earth that can part jack monroe from twitter, and its being asked to get involved in charity with no financial gain for herself

- She replied "Let's get balls deep in a coliseum" (not a direct quote) or something, the gist was "DM me and stop publicly asking me to help so i can ignore you"

- She made a twitter poll "if i could only write about one which should it be: poverty or food?" sadly "the truth" was not an option. The compliments came flooding in as she expected.

- Jack claims that Eamonn Holmes praised her 'specific' skillset. We do not know how hard he was laughing when he said this.

- the colouring pencils were back out. Did you know you can put your chickpea curry in a slow cooker for even less texture!

- Dawn French replied to her boring scone tweet. Blue tick arse kissing Jack made an appearance
Click to expand...
Thanks for the lovely new digs and round up guys
 
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TheDragonWithAFlagon

TheDragonWithAFlagon

Is this my real life? Is it just fantasy?
Caught out on my lies, my escape from reality
Urban Decayed Eyes, look up to the skies and see-eeee

I'm just a poor girl, from a rich family
Because I'm
Easy come, easy go
Sometimes high, sometime low

Any way the Cabal knows
Doesn't really matter
To me

Give to meeeeeee

[plinky plonky piano intro in the style of Les Dawson]

MAMA! I need more jam
Put a Smeg up in my hall, pretend it's not really there at all
MAMA! I neeeeeeed some cash
Gotta spend it all to make myself feel flash

MAMA! Ooo-oo-ooo-oooh (Any lies, then we know)
Now you've made me cry
Clawing, screaming out there -WHY??????
Carry on, carry on, as if I don't have arthritis

Too late, I neeeed some fun
Sunbathing, I'm just fine
BUT MY BODY'S ACHING ALL THE TIME
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta piss and eat and try to hide the truth

MAMA! Oooo-oo-ooo-oooh (All your lies, the Fraus know)
I hate being caught on lies
I sometimes wish I'd never been caught at allll

[JM hurls herself around with a Burberry scarf wrapped around her sports bra, teething rings rattling on her wrists in a disconcerting version of Kate Bush doing Wuthering Heights - possibly retitled Fifty Slops of Shite]

I see a little dusty husk of a girl
Where's my shoes, where's my dress, gonna do the Fandango
Viviennes and Emins ,very, very precious to me
(Where'd your cash go?) How the duck would I know?, (On a sideboard?) Oh, no, no, no, magnifico-o-o-o

I'm just a poor girl, nobody loves me
She's just a poor girl from a rich family
Give her some cash so she can buy SB's tea

Easy come, easy go, won't you let it go?
Like duck, witch! No, we will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Like duck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me breathe go!)
Oh, heck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go
Never let lies go, oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, mama, jam now, mama bread now (Mama JESUS, let it go!)
The Cotswolds has a fancy newer sideboard for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can catch me and laugh at my eye?
So you think you can leave me and not live my lies?
Oh, BB, can't do this to me, BB
You'll never get out, you'll never get right outta here

(Ooooh, yeah, oooooh yeah)

Money only matters
Anyone can see
Money only matters
Money only matters to meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Anyway, the Tattlers know.

[gong] (£2479.99 of Patreon donations, now please put a tenner in my butter bowl, thankyou and duck off)
 
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Minky McMoneypenny

Minky McMoneypenny

SoulRebel said:
I think that @funkyraspberry got a lot with 'just a normal person who has seen through her bullshit!' +215 likes? No matter but lovely to see so many new Jacksceptics x
Click to expand...
Aha! I was looking for actual thread title recommendations, I did wonder whether I could you take snippets from posts, which was going to potentially be "even funkyraspberry''s partner's dad doesn't like Jack"
 
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Shesaidwhat?

Shesaidwhat?

TheDragonWithAFlagon said:
Is this my real life? Is it just fantasy?
Caught out on my lies, my escape from reality
Urban Decayed Eyes, look up to the skies and see-eeee

I'm just a poor girl, from a rich family
Because I'm
Easy come, easy go
Sometimes high, sometime low

Any way the Cabal knows
Doesn't really matter
To me

Give to meeeeeee

[plinky plonky piano intro in the style of Les Dawson]

MAMA! I need more jam
Put a Smeg up in my hall, pretend it's not really there at all
MAMA! I neeeeeeed some cash
Gotta spend it all to make myself feel flash

MAMA! Ooo-oo-ooo-oooh (Any lies, then we know)
Now you've made me cry
Clawing, screaming out there -WHY??????
Carry on, carry on, as if I don't have arthritis

Too late, I neeeed some fun
Sunbathing, I'm just fine
BUT MY BODY'S ACHING ALL THE TIME
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta piss and eat and try to hide the truth

MAMA! Oooo-oo-ooo-oooh (All your lies, the Fraus know)
I hate being caught on lies
I sometimes wish I'd never been caught at allll

[JM hurls herself around with a Burberry scarf wrapped around her sports bra, teething rings rattling on her wrists in a disconcerting version of Kate Bush doing Wuthering Heights - possibly retitled Fifty Slops of Shite]

I see a little dusty husk of a girl
Where's my shoes, where's my dress, gonna do the Fandango
Viviennes and Emins ,very, very precious to me
(Where'd your cash go?) How the duck would I know?, (On a sideboard?) Oh, no, no, no, magnifico-o-o-o

I'm just a poor girl, nobody loves me
She's just a poor girl from a rich family
Give her some cash so she can buy SB's tea

Easy come, easy go, won't you let it go?
Like duck, witch! No, we will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Like duck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me breathe go!)
Oh, heck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go
Never let lies go, oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, mama, jam now, mama bread now (Mama JESUS, let it go!)
The Cotswolds has a fancy newer sideboard for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can catch me and laugh at my eye?
So you think you can leave me and not live my lies?
Oh, BB, can't do this to me, BB
You'll never get out, you'll never get right outta here

(Ooooh, yeah, oooooh yeah)

Money only matters
Anyone can see
Money only matters
Money only matters to meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Anyway, the Tattlers know.

[gong] (£2479.99 of Patreon donations, now please put a tenner in my butter bowl, thankyou and duck off)
Click to expand...
Genius 🤣
Too short 🙄
Absolute genius x
 
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Alansbigplate

Alansbigplate

Just as heads up if you put poster’s names in titles it’ll likely get edited out so probs best not to
 
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Thread locked. We start a new thread when they have over 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.