Jack Monroe #110 Hands up, who likes me?

[Minky McMoneypenny]

Is this my real life? Is it just fantasy?
Caught out on my lies, my escape from reality
Urban Decayed Eyes, look up to the skies and see-eeee

I'm just a poor girl, from a rich family
Because I'm
Easy come, easy go
Sometimes high, sometime low

Any way the Cabal knows
Doesn't really matter
To me

Give to meeeeeee

[plinky plonky piano intro in the style of Les Dawson]

MAMA! I need more jam
Put a Smeg up in my hall, pretend it's not really there at all
MAMA! I neeeeeeed some cash
Gotta spend it all to make myself feel flash

MAMA! Ooo-oo-ooo-oooh (Any lies, then we know)
Now you've made me cry
Clawing, screaming out there -WHY??????
Carry on, carry on, as if I don't have arthritis

Too late, I neeeed some fun
Sunbathing, I'm just fine
BUT MY BODY'S ACHING ALL THE TIME
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta piss and eat and try to hide the truth

MAMA! Oooo-oo-ooo-oooh (All your lies, the Fraus know)
I hate being caught on lies
I sometimes wish I'd never been caught at allll

[JM hurls herself around with a Burberry scarf wrapped around her sports bra, teething rings rattling on her wrists in a disconcerting version of Kate Bush doing Wuthering Heights - possibly retitled Fifty Slops of Shite]

I see a little dusty husk of a girl
Where's my shoes, where's my dress, gonna do the Fandango
Viviennes and Emins ,very, very precious to me
(Where'd your cash go?) How the duck would I know?, (On a sideboard?) Oh, no, no, no, magnifico-o-o-o

I'm just a poor girl, nobody loves me
She's just a poor girl from a rich family
Give her some cash so she can buy SB's tea

Easy come, easy go, won't you let it go?
Like duck, witch! No, we will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Like duck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me breathe go!)
Oh, heck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go
Never let lies go, oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, mama, jam now, mama bread now (Mama JESUS, let it go!)
The Cotswolds has a fancy newer sideboard for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can catch me and laugh at my eye?
So you think you can leave me and not live my lies?
Oh, BB, can't do this to me, BB
You'll never get out, you'll never get right outta here

(Ooooh, yeah, oooooh yeah)

Money only matters
Anyone can see
Money only matters
Money only matters to meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Anyway, the Tattlers know.

[gong] (£2479.99 of Patreon donations, now please put a tenner in my butter bowl, thankyou and duck off)

Genius! Too short
Total genius!

 

[ScamSandwich]

Is this my real life? Is it just fantasy?
Caught out on my lies, my escape from reality
Urban Decayed Eyes, look up to the skies and see-eeee

I'm just a poor girl, from a rich family
Because I'm
Easy come, easy go
Sometimes high, sometime low

Any way the Cabal knows
Doesn't really matter
To me

Give to meeeeeee

[plinky plonky piano intro in the style of Les Dawson]

MAMA! I need more jam
Put a Smeg up in my hall, pretend it's not really there at all
MAMA! I neeeeeeed some cash
Gotta spend it all to make myself feel flash

MAMA! Ooo-oo-ooo-oooh (Any lies, then we know)
Now you've made me cry
Clawing, screaming out there -WHY??????
Carry on, carry on, as if I don't have arthritis

Too late, I neeeed some fun
Sunbathing, I'm just fine
BUT MY BODY'S ACHING ALL THE TIME
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta piss and eat and try to hide the truth

MAMA! Oooo-oo-ooo-oooh (All your lies, the Fraus know)
I hate being caught on lies
I sometimes wish I'd never been caught at allll

[JM hurls herself around with a Burberry scarf wrapped around her sports bra, teething rings rattling on her wrists in a disconcerting version of Kate Bush doing Wuthering Heights - possibly retitled Fifty Slops of Shite]

I see a little dusty husk of a girl
Where's my shoes, where's my dress, gonna do the Fandango
Viviennes and Emins ,very, very precious to me
(Where'd your cash go?) How the duck would I know?, (On a sideboard?) Oh, no, no, no, magnifico-o-o-o

I'm just a poor girl, nobody loves me
She's just a poor girl from a rich family
Give her some cash so she can buy SB's tea

Easy come, easy go, won't you let it go?
Like duck, witch! No, we will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Like duck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me breathe go!)
Oh, heck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go
Never let lies go, oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, mama, jam now, mama bread now (Mama JESUS, let it go!)
The Cotswolds has a fancy newer sideboard for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can catch me and laugh at my eye?
So you think you can leave me and not live my lies?
Oh, BB, can't do this to me, BB
You'll never get out, you'll never get right outta here

(Ooooh, yeah, oooooh yeah)

Money only matters
Anyone can see
Money only matters
Money only matters to meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Anyway, the Tattlers know.

[gong] (£2479.99 of Patreon donations, now please put a tenner in my butter bowl, thankyou and duck off)

bleeping genius!!!

 

[TriviaNewtonJohn]

Just as heads up if you put poster’s names in titles it’ll likely get edited out so probs best not to

Or it entices JM here like #31
(Jack Monroe #31 Grunka Lunka dunkety doo, we came for Jack but stayed for you!)

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Someone on the previous thread just mentioned how cringeworthy it was for her to post the compliments from her peers, which triggered a repressed memory.

Remember when she actually had the audacity to ask people on Twitter to SEND HER WRITTEN COMPLIMENTS IN THE POST to be filed away in one of her bloody folders? Like... did that actually happen or am I hallucinating. The narcissism. The oddness. The cringe.

Yeah, still not over that myself..

 

[Minky McMoneypenny]

Someone on the previous thread just mentioned how cringeworthy it was for her to post the compliments from her peers, which triggered a repressed memory.

Remember when she actually had the audacity to ask people on Twitter to SEND HER WRITTEN COMPLIMENTS IN THE POST to be filed away in one of her bloody folders? Like... did that actually happen or am I hallucinating. The narcissism. The oddness. The cringe.

This does ring a bell......

 

[Switchstreetz]

Yeah, still not over that myself..

I hope Natalia literally just shredded them all, she's not paid to screen fanmail

 

[Nottonightbabe]

Just as heads up if you put poster’s names in titles it’ll likely get edited out so probs best not to

Aye it will. Think we got away with it once with @GrunkaLunka didn't we?

 

[Fruitjack]

I’ve just revisited the list is slow cooker recipes armed with my copy of Veganish (I know, I know). Some of them just don’t add up at all. There’s a tomato soup which does actually look ok in the book but the whole premise is that you roast the tomatoes until caramelised then blend them with other bits. How does that translate to the slow cooker? The other soups I would say would be ridiculous in a slow cooker if it wasn’t for the originals wanting you to cooked tinned beans for 40 minutes which is nonsense to begin with. The nasu dengaku (again, looks one of her better efforts) is aubergine brushed with a glaze, then roasted. That’s it. Why mess about with a slow cooker that presumably won’t have the same effect? It goes on in that vein but the most stupid translation to slow cooker is the miso caramel sauce, which is melt sugar, add vegan butter, coconut cream, vanilla and miso. That’s it (although white and brown miso are completely interchangeable). It only makes a small jar. Why on earth would you mess about with a slow cooker for that? Also, how are these squiggles expected to know how to adapt for a slow cooker? Why wouldn’t they just buy a slow cooker recipe book or look them up on the internet? Why am I asking all those ridiculous questions? Tune in to next week’s episode of Soap (a cheap bar).

 

[PoorPatrol]

Oh Alan, bloody hell when the eyes don’t work it makes me feel all weird! Almost as creepy as Jack doing a live, and staring into our souls....

 

[Lanie]

I love this thread title!

I am the bit after this when Viv is practically touching his feet.

 

[kachoochoo]

Sorry, panic-picked the thread title because there weren't any nominations that I could see by sorting most popular.

Round up of #109 courtesy of @Switchstreetz

So far Jack has:
- Buried the chaos of her nasty weekend spree on twitter by briefly pulling out some google translate Swedish

- "This is my 55 inch tv it just rests on the fireplace where it could fall and hurt someone tee hee aren't i quirky" ignore the picture hook on the wall, im sure jack would NEVER stage a photo for attention on twitter...

- Span her wheel of excuses for owning an expensive thing. The TV was from a charity shop an extra delivered by mistake found in a puddle sold to her by her parents. I know some of us just need "it fell out the sky and into my lap" to get a full house on jack bingo

- Never mind, she's picking up where she left off and trying to reignite fights on twitter

- A brave squiggle clapped back and left JM speechless, they briefly joined tattle for a victory lap (we applaud you funkyraspberry) but returned to the depths of twitter

- General squiggle dissent is on the rise as the holes in jacks narrative are being questioned more and more

- Thriftyshadesofbeige.com has vanished....hope no one was looking forward to their postcards

- BB was blamed for breaking the garden hose. The first process of buying a new tube was too complicated for these FEMALES so jack called her dad and declared it feminism

- We learned there is actually one thing on this earth that can part jack monroe from twitter, and its being asked to get involved in charity with no financial gain for herself

- She replied "Let's get balls deep in a coliseum" (not a direct quote) or something, the gist was "DM me and stop publicly asking me to help so i can ignore you"

- She made a twitter poll "if i could only write about one which should it be: poverty or food?" sadly "the truth" was not an option. The compliments came flooding in as she expected.

- Jack claims that Eamonn Holmes praised her 'specific' skillset. We do not know how hard he was laughing when he said this.

- the colouring pencils were back out. Did you know you can put your chickpea curry in a slow cooker for even less texture!

- Dawn French replied to her boring scone tweet. Blue tick arse kissing Jack made an appearance

thank you for the new thread

if I may, for any passing inquisitive squiggles, here is Jack's to do list. this is everything she has said she will do in the last few months as of this moment. to be fair to her, I do add a tick when she completes something.

Spoiler: Jack's Coming Soons

£15 a week lunches
£20 shops as a whole
9 half-written manuscripts
35 recipes from a £20 shop, pick your fave
2000 words for print glossy
advent calendar
aged chicken thigh bone stock
base system going in next book
BBC show
BLM video monetization donation
blog post excited about for ages
book on culinary history
book signing in Belfast
books for slow cooker appeal
Brand New System for desk - wallpaper
Camp Kitchen from the shed
chestnut fudge thing
chicken livers
Christmas recipes for some reason
comic filter security
Conditions of Bungalow Bubbling lessons
curating regular book recommendations
David Walliams book reviews
dauphinoise pie
depressipes
detailed blog on nutrition
devilled eggs recipe - completed it, mate
ethical on a budget
festive pop tarts
festive vegan loaf
food truck of joy
gailymail
great resources by trans + non binary writers
half-written budget xmas recipes
handing over her platform to poc
healthy on a bootstrap
helping disability and mental health writers
history of York road market
huge depop or Ebay sale
James Bond conspiracy theory
Klingon gagh recipe
kombucha whisky
lever arch files of fan mail
links to small businesses
lockdown larder 2.0 resumption threatened
militant boiled eggs
mince pie doughnuts
newspaper campaign
onion chopping song
ouchy mouth recipes
patreon update
pistachio milk
postcards, postcards, postcards
poverty memoir
puttanesca soup
recipe roundup on Instagram
recipes for small people
red ephemera soup recipe
repotting spider plants from a friend
rooting out Amazon from website
running around in heels with a Tall Man
sausage and kale slop
Secret Ingredient
setting her teenage musings to music
shopping trolley
sideboard photos reason
sleep hygiene routine
some kind of timetable for SB in lockdown
super secret shopping trip hack
supper nanny
sweet and sour soup
sweet potato caramel
thrifty shades of beige - some sent, ongoing
tomato soup water content - done
translation of a Greek Cypriot cookbook
unorthodox cheese sauce - done
vegan crackling
vegan pie glaze
weekly routine

/SPOILER]

also, for anyone new around here who wants a break from Jack, please do join in with the Food and Drink threads under Off Topic, where you will not only find nice food, there are socks, sheep, books, films, general life stuff and a nice supportive bunch of people.

eta ugh the spoiler's eaten my nice comment about the Food and Drink thread.

in short, bored of Jack? visit Food and Drink under Off Topic

 

[GothPrincess]

B&Q is handily on the same shopping estate as Waitrose. I love that Waitrose and never spend under £50 there. Oops.

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

Why doesn’t she close her DMs? Is she getting sooo much work that way. Nope.

The £20 is bollocks. Of course people were going to try and copy it and up until now she was making out she was doing that. I went shopping today and spent £50. I needed meat for the freezer, not for this week. But some things we eat this week are from the freezer.
She made out it was a complete exercise. Not using up my existing food and topping up!

 

[Alansbigplate]

Aye it will. Think we got away with it once with @GrunkaLunka didn't we?

Yep and as @TriviaNewtonJohn says look how that turned out

 

[PoorPatrol]

Yeah, still not over that myself..

I love how she thinks she needs to apologise to Natalia, for the mountains of fan mail she’s about to be drowned in! Does she think she’s some kind of rock star?

 

[Alansbigplate]

Oh Alan, bloody hell when the eyes don’t work it makes me feel all weird! Almost as creepy as Jack doing a live, and staring into our souls....

I can’t apologise, I only like it when they’re cursed

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Where's my shoes, where's my dress, gonna do the Fandango
Viviennes and Emins ,very, very precious to me



[gong] (£2479.99 of Patreon donations, now please put a tenner in my butter bowl, thankyou and duck off)

omg. I mean, ALL of it, but ...
“Where's my shoes, where's my dress, gonna do the Fandango
Viviennes and Emins ,very, very precious to me”.... this just ended me!!!

Thank you very MattMinkyMuch @Minky McMoneypenny for creating the thread!!!

 

[Lastoftheflumps]

Exactly. Unless you are making soup or something really easy like a casserole you can’t just take recipes and bung them in a slow cooker. It just won’t work.

She’s an absolute fud. Why send people her books when they aren’t slow cooker recipes.

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

She’s an absolute fud. Why send people her books when they aren’t slow cooker recipes even vaguely edible anyhow?

Fixed that for you, Hun.

#NowFuckOff

 

[jenny2603]

I love how she thinks she needs to apologise to Natalia, for the mountains of fan mail she’s about to be drowned in! Does she think she’s some kind of rock star?

I was ending myself thinking about Natalia sitting filing her nails and arsing about on her phone after being inundated with a takeaway menu, an advert for life insurance, a spec CV and an electricity bill.