Jack Monroe #110 Hands up, who likes me?

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

Is this my real life? Is it just fantasy?
Caught out on my lies, my escape from reality
Urban Decayed Eyes, look up to the skies and see-eeee

I'm just a poor girl, from a rich family
Because I'm
Easy come, easy go
Sometimes high, sometime low

Any way the Cabal knows
Doesn't really matter
To me

Give to meeeeeee

[plinky plonky piano intro in the style of Les Dawson]

MAMA! I need more jam
Put a Smeg up in my hall, pretend it's not really there at all
MAMA! I neeeeeeed some cash
Gotta spend it all to make myself feel flash

MAMA! Ooo-oo-ooo-oooh (Any lies, then we know)
Now you've made me cry
Clawing, screaming out there -WHY??????
Carry on, carry on, as if I don't have arthritis

Too late, I neeeed some fun
Sunbathing, I'm just fine
BUT MY BODY'S ACHING ALL THE TIME
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta piss and eat and try to hide the truth

MAMA! Oooo-oo-ooo-oooh (All your lies, the Fraus know)
I hate being caught on lies
I sometimes wish I'd never been caught at allll

[JM hurls herself around with a Burberry scarf wrapped around her sports bra, teething rings rattling on her wrists in a disconcerting version of Kate Bush doing Wuthering Heights - possibly retitled Fifty Slops of Shite]

I see a little dusty husk of a girl
Where's my shoes, where's my dress, gonna do the Fandango
Viviennes and Emins ,very, very precious to me
(Where'd your cash go?) How the fuck would I know?, (On a sideboard?) Oh, no, no, no, magnifico-o-o-o

I'm just a poor girl, nobody loves me
She's just a poor girl from a rich family
Give her some cash so she can buy SB's tea

Easy come, easy go, won't you let it go?
Like fuck, bitch! No, we will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Like fuck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me breathe go!)
Oh, heck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go
Never let lies go, oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, mama, jam now, mama bread now (Mama JESUS, let it go!)
The Cotswolds has a fancy newer sideboard for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can catch me and laugh at my eye?
So you think you can leave me and not live my lies?
Oh, BB, can't do this to me, BB
You'll never get out, you'll never get right outta here

(Ooooh, yeah, oooooh yeah)

Money only matters
Anyone can see
Money only matters
Money only matters to meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Anyway, the Tattlers know.

[gong] (£2479.99 of Patreon donations, now please put a tenner in my butter bowl, thankyou and fuck off)

 

[MushyBeans]

Thought I was destined to lurk for ever, but I’ve just gone to check our jacks timeline and I’ve been BLOCKED all I did was like a couple of the tweets RE the mythical £20 shop earlier today. Never mind, guess I’m one of you now!

 

[funkyraspberry]

Someone on the previous thread just mentioned how cringeworthy it was for her to post the compliments from her peers, which triggered a repressed memory.

Remember when she actually had the audacity to ask people on Twitter to SEND HER WRITTEN COMPLIMENTS IN THE POST to be filed away in one of her bloody folders? Like... did that actually happen or am I hallucinating. The narcissism. The oddness. The cringe.

 

[Minky McMoneypenny]

Sorry, panic-picked the thread title because there weren't any nominations that I could see by sorting most popular.

Round up of #109 courtesy of @Switchstreetz

So far Jack has:
- Buried the chaos of her nasty weekend spree on twitter by briefly pulling out some google translate Swedish

- "This is my 55 inch tv it just rests on the fireplace where it could fall and hurt someone tee hee aren't i quirky" ignore the picture hook on the wall, im sure jack would NEVER stage a photo for attention on twitter...

- Span her wheel of excuses for owning an expensive thing. The TV was from a charity shop an extra delivered by mistake found in a puddle sold to her by her parents. I know some of us just need "it fell out the sky and into my lap" to get a full house on jack bingo

- Never mind, she's picking up where she left off and trying to reignite fights on twitter

- A brave squiggle clapped back and left JM speechless, they briefly joined tattle for a victory lap (we applaud you funkyraspberry) but returned to the depths of twitter

- General squiggle dissent is on the rise as the holes in jacks narrative are being questioned more and more

- Thriftyshadesofbeige.com has vanished....hope no one was looking forward to their postcards

- BB was blamed for breaking the garden hose. The first process of buying a new tube was too complicated for these FEMALES so jack called her dad and declared it feminism

- We learned there is actually one thing on this earth that can part jack monroe from twitter, and its being asked to get involved in charity with no financial gain for herself

- She replied "Let's get balls deep in a coliseum" (not a direct quote) or something, the gist was "DM me and stop publicly asking me to help so i can ignore you"

- She made a twitter poll "if i could only write about one which should it be: poverty or food?" sadly "the truth" was not an option. The compliments came flooding in as she expected.

- Jack claims that Eamonn Holmes praised her 'specific' skillset. We do not know how hard he was laughing when he said this.

- the colouring pencils were back out. Did you know you can put your chickpea curry in a slow cooker for even less texture!

- Dawn French replied to her boring scone tweet. Blue tick arse kissing Jack made an appearance

 

[jenny2603]

NOOOOO JAAAACK PLEASE DON'T BUY BUTTER...OH NO...I'M MELTING.

No one gives a fuck if you have butter or not you quarterwitted gonk on stilts. What people object to is you pretending you can't afford any to scam money out of people. None of this is difficult.

 

[Alansbigplate]

Sorry, panic-picked the thread title because there weren't any nominations that I could see by sorting most popular.

Round up of #109 courtesy of @Switchstreetz

So far Jack has:
- Buried the chaos of her nasty weekend spree on twitter by briefly pulling out some google translate Swedish

- "This is my 55 inch tv it just rests on the fireplace where it could fall and hurt someone tee hee aren't i quirky" ignore the picture hook on the wall, im sure jack would NEVER stage a photo for attention on twitter...

- Span her wheel of excuses for owning an expensive thing. The TV was from a charity shop an extra delivered by mistake found in a puddle sold to her by her parents. I know some of us just need "it fell out the sky and into my lap" to get a full house on jack bingo

- Never mind, she's picking up where she left off and trying to reignite fights on twitter

- A brave squiggle clapped back and left JM speechless, they briefly joined tattle for a victory lap (we applaud you funkyraspberry) but returned to the depths of twitter

- General squiggle dissent is on the rise as the holes in jacks narrative are being questioned more and more

- Thriftyshadesofbeige.com has vanished....hope no one was looking forward to their postcards

- BB was blamed for breaking the garden hose. The first process of buying a new tube was too complicated for these FEMALES so jack called her dad and declared it feminism

- We learned there is actually one thing on this earth that can part jack monroe from twitter, and its being asked to get involved in charity with no financial gain for herself

- She replied "Let's get balls deep in a coliseum" (not a direct quote) or something, the gist was "DM me and stop publicly asking me to help so i can ignore you"

- She made a twitter poll "if i could only write about one which should it be: poverty or food?" sadly "the truth" was not an option. The compliments came flooding in as she expected.

- Jack claims that Eamonn Holmes praised her 'specific' skillset. We do not know how hard he was laughing when he said this.

- the colouring pencils were back out. Did you know you can put your chickpea curry in a slow cooker for even less texture!

- Dawn French replied to her boring scone tweet. Blue tick arse kissing Jack made an appearance

Thanks for the lovely new digs and round up guys

 

[FlowerOfTheEast]

I have a confession to make and I feel now is the time. I had repressed the memory but it came back to me several threads ago and I have felt nothing but shame ever since.

A few years back, I had friends round for dinner and I treated them to an entire meal made from A Girl Called Jack. I definitely made the baba ganoush and I may have made potato salad too although I'm not sure about that as they don't exactly go together! And then we had white chocolate and peach cake for pudding. One of my friends was so convincingly polite about the food that I gave her a copy of the book for her birthday a few weeks later. To my knowledge she never, ever made anything from it, I don't even know what she did with the book but hopefully it involved fire.

So to my poor friends H, S, and the birthday girl C, I am so sorry! And to the cabal, thanks for hearing my confession, and for all the laughs, you won't find a nicer bunch of ninnies anywhere on the internet!

 

[Silver Linings]

‘Like a hyena’ ‘Lascivious noises’

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Finally got my court appearance outfit sorted!

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

Since some of you were interested in the nutrition of Jack's slop, I put the tin bolognese into cronometer. It

Science Frau is now my thread highlight. Absolutely love this.

Can I do some nice but off topic life news? It's just been me and Fraulein Relish for 14 weeks (she is 16 weeks old) but Herr Relish (I'll stop...) arrived back with us Monday. It's all been a bit fraught because it's a quite confusing to go from child-free couple to couple with 4 month old without middle steps, also she's not been that impressed with the random, strange man in our house. ANYWAY, this morning, she's beamed at him when she woke up, gone happily with him and I can hear him talking to her and I just heard him say 'it's ok, I knew we'd be best friends, we're going to have so much fun' But most of all, MY SHIFT IS OVER. Someone get me a glass of wine and a warm bed, I'm going to sleep for a year.

And on topic, what a legend! A cookery writer (she's not a chef, she'll thankyou to remember) who cooked something without a recipe. How does she do it?!

 

[Smeghead]

Early thread contender
Jack Monroe #111 I can’t believe she got butter

 

[Professor Slop]

I found my court outfit! Witness my superlative paint skills.

 

[Lastoftheflumps]

She called someone out and got called out in response. A bit of truth in all the sycophancy

 

[Veronicaaa]

She's cooked the mussels in a stew with pears, guys.



"I didn’t follow or even consult a recipe for this" I mean, no shit, I very much doubt a mussels, pear and chickpea stew features on the BBC good food website.

 

[Switchstreetz]

I love this thread title!

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

And artist.

Chilli con Artist

 

[Minky McMoneypenny]

Buys butter to make fake mulled wine.

Won't buy butter to go on her son's toast/sandwich.

 

[TVC15]

My dad was the same. His doctors decided he'd do less damage to himself by drinking a moderate amount instead of swinging between cold turkey and insane amounts. When he died a couple of years ago, he was already missing one leg and they were considering amputating the other one. Diabetes, liver failure, heart problems, none of it stopped him from going back to the booze. His body basically gave up.

I want to share too, because the alcohol talk from JM can really make me see red. My good buddy, someone I’ve grown up with (we’re both still in our 20s, just barely), has been fighting for his life throughout this pandemic. He has cirrhosis and is on the brink of liver failure, but he’s managed to get sober through a detox centre and he’s doing okay-ish. I know some sober people who enjoy a non-alcoholic beverage occasionally, but mostly for ceremonial reasons (ex. having an AF beer at a baseball game). But maybe there is a market there, who knows?

I have my own experiences using alcohol to self-medicate as a mostly non-speaking autistic kid. But I’ve never reached a point like my friend did. I’d never write a woe-is-me + sorry-I’ve-been-awful article announcing I’d been sober for a week in a national (well, international) newspaper. Maybe try the sobriety for a year and then write about some insight? Maybe save that story for an AA meeting? Maybe get into confessional poetry because I don’t understand who this article is serving?

I feel hypocritical here. I don’t want to be a gate-keeper and say someone doesn’t have a drinking problem or can’t share their experiences, but when it comes to life-threatening addictions you do it responsibly! I also can relate a bit if JM is autistic and struggles with speaking in high pressure situations. I dunno. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s been exaggerated, that this article could’ve easily been about recognizing a problem with drinking and wanting to start the year sober, like so many people probably feel after New Year’s. Alcohol is an addictive substance. It’s addictive for everyone. It’s not uncommon to feel like you need to give up booze to gain back control.

That article was the first time I rolled my eyes at this performative mess. Only seems worse with the casual mention of relapses (itty-bitty ones) on Twitter. If my friend mentioned a relapse I’d be on the phone or jumping a train to go see him, even in this pandemic, because it might be the thing that kills him.

I once sent my friend a picture from a party last year, because I’d run into a mutual friend of ours. There were bottles of alcohol in the shot. He called me and asked nicely that I never send him any photos with booze visible. I don’t think he’d enjoy buttery AF mulled wine with his beet burger hockey pucks and bowls of unruly slop.

Declaring you’re sober to the whole world one week into recovery (if we’re using the AA alcoholism is a thing framework) makes about as much sense as a “food expert“ never making a quiche before.

(I can hear the objections : “It was to hold myself accountable! I want to share my journey and shed light on this issue! Visibility! What?! It’s not like I’m making a movie about it. I passed on selling the movie rights decades ago. For the sake of my family. Would you do that? Stay out of my business, you know, the personal life I bang out across my many Guardian bylines.” )

 

[Alexasstop]

Hello tattlers, nice to meet you all. As with a previous poster, I found my way here after liking a post that criticised her being rude to a question and finding myself blocked to my surprise. We’ve never interacted. I did unfollow her earlier this year after the Jamie Oliver hissy fit was one strop too far and finding her tweets to be somewhat haywire. Interesting to see that there’s a whole group of people similarly suspicious. She is mates with a friend ‘in real life’ however so she must have redeeming features face to face...

 

[Auntyanchïoade]

Sitting in my car at 06:05 (summoning up the effort to book on at my depot) and Vanessa Feltz literally played Jimmy Nail

So I am supposed to be working (and I really am quite BUSY today) but I’m checking in with the canal and I have Now 70s on in the background. Up pops David Bowie (legit RIP) singing Space Odyssey, chatting about sitting in a TIN CAN . It’s a subliminal message. I’m taking the hint and getting on with some graft. It’s what he would have wanted.

This very morning at 06:05 on Radio 2 Vanessa Feltz played Jimmy Nails "ain't no doubt (she's lying)" which lets face it probably hasn't been played anywhere other than here in twenty years.....she then went on to recap one of her words of the week "sesquipedalianism" which is "The practice of using long, sometimes obscure, words in speech or writing" who does that sound like eh? eh?

Fraus...I think Vanessa is attempting to send the coven a message of support and solidarity... possibly in cahoots with her dear friend and erstwhile colleague Uncle Eammon....

Or perhaps not. I do tend to get over excited when tired.