Jack Monroe #110 Hands up, who likes me?

[Gnomic Gnome]

Is this my real life? Is it just fantasy?
Caught out on my lies, my escape from reality
Urban Decayed Eyes, look up to the skies and see-eeee

I'm just a poor girl, from a rich family
Because I'm
Easy come, easy go
Sometimes high, sometime low

Any way the Cabal knows
Doesn't really matter
To me

Give to meeeeeee

[plinky plonky piano intro in the style of Les Dawson]

MAMA! I need more jam
Put a Smeg up in my hall, pretend it's not really there at all
MAMA! I neeeeeeed some cash
Gotta spend it all to make myself feel flash

MAMA! Ooo-oo-ooo-oooh (Any lies, then we know)
Now you've made me cry
Clawing, screaming out there -WHY??????
Carry on, carry on, as if I don't have arthritis

Too late, I neeeed some fun
Sunbathing, I'm just fine
BUT MY BODY'S ACHING ALL THE TIME
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta piss and eat and try to hide the truth

MAMA! Oooo-oo-ooo-oooh (All your lies, the Fraus know)
I hate being caught on lies
I sometimes wish I'd never been caught at allll

[JM hurls herself around with a Burberry scarf wrapped around her sports bra, teething rings rattling on her wrists in a disconcerting version of Kate Bush doing Wuthering Heights - possibly retitled Fifty Slops of Shite]

I see a little dusty husk of a girl
Where's my shoes, where's my dress, gonna do the Fandango
Viviennes and Emins ,very, very precious to me
(Where'd your cash go?) How the duck would I know?, (On a sideboard?) Oh, no, no, no, magnifico-o-o-o

I'm just a poor girl, nobody loves me
She's just a poor girl from a rich family
Give her some cash so she can buy SB's tea

Easy come, easy go, won't you let it go?
Like duck, witch! No, we will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Like duck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me breathe go!)
Oh, heck, no! We will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go. (Let me go!)
Will not let it go
Never let lies go, oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, mama, jam now, mama bread now (Mama JESUS, let it go!)
The Cotswolds has a fancy newer sideboard for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can catch me and laugh at my eye?
So you think you can leave me and not live my lies?
Oh, BB, can't do this to me, BB
You'll never get out, you'll never get right outta here

(Ooooh, yeah, oooooh yeah)

Money only matters
Anyone can see
Money only matters
Money only matters to meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Anyway, the Tattlers know.

[gong] (£2479.99 of Patreon donations, now please put a tenner in my butter bowl, thankyou and duck off)

Amazing!!! Abs workout trying to stifle the snorts!

 

[Jelly Bean]

thank you for the new thread

if I may, for any passing inquisitive squiggles, here is Jack's to do list. this is everything she has said she will do in the last few months as of this moment. to be fair to her, I do add a tick when she completes something.

Spoiler: Jack's Coming Soons

£15 a week lunches
£20 shops as a whole
9 half-written manuscripts
35 recipes from a £20 shop, pick your fave
2000 words for print glossy
advent calendar
aged chicken thigh bone stock
base system going in next book
BBC show
BLM video monetization donation
blog post excited about for ages
book on culinary history
book signing in Belfast
books for slow cooker appeal
Brand New System for desk - wallpaper
Camp Kitchen from the shed
chestnut fudge thing
chicken livers
Christmas recipes for some reason
comic filter security
Conditions of Bungalow Bubbling lessons
curating regular book recommendations
David Walliams book reviews
dauphinoise pie
depressipes
detailed blog on nutrition
devilled eggs recipe - completed it, mate
ethical on a budget
festive pop tarts
festive vegan loaf
food truck of joy
gailymail
great resources by trans + non binary writers
half-written budget xmas recipes
handing over her platform to poc
healthy on a bootstrap
helping disability and mental health writers
history of York road market
huge depop or Ebay sale
James Bond conspiracy theory
Klingon gagh recipe
kombucha whisky
lever arch files of fan mail
links to small businesses
lockdown larder 2.0 resumption threatened
militant boiled eggs
mince pie doughnuts
newspaper campaign
onion chopping song
ouchy mouth recipes
patreon update
pistachio milk
postcards, postcards, postcards
poverty memoir
puttanesca soup
recipe roundup on Instagram
recipes for small people
red ephemera soup recipe
repotting spider plants from a friend
rooting out Amazon from website
running around in heels with a Tall Man
sausage and kale slop
Secret Ingredient
setting her teenage musings to music
shopping trolley
sideboard photos reason
sleep hygiene routine
some kind of timetable for SB in lockdown
super secret shopping trip hack
supper nanny
sweet and sour soup
sweet potato caramel
thrifty shades of beige - some sent, ongoing
tomato soup water content - done
translation of a Greek Cypriot cookbook
unorthodox cheese sauce - done
vegan crackling
vegan pie glaze
weekly routine

/SPOILER]

also, for anyone new around here who wants a break from Jack, please do join in with the Food and Drink threads under Off Topic, where you will not only find nice food, there are socks, sheep, books, films, general life stuff and a nice supportive bunch of people.

eta ugh the spoiler's eaten my nice comment about the Food and Drink thread.

in short, bored of Jack? visit Food and Drink under Off Topic

Haha excellent list. Do I vaguely remember she was also going to curate a book of essays etc by poc?
And something to do with Marcus?
Is she still doing something re Grenfell Tower?
All becomes a bit of a blur tbh.

 

[NP]

Why doesn’t she close her DMs? Is she getting sooo much work that way. Nope.

The £20 is bollocks. Of course people were going to try and copy it and up until now she was making out she was doing that. I went shopping today and spent £50. I needed meat for the freezer, not for this week. But some things we eat this week are from the freezer.
She made out it was a complete exercise. Not using up my existing food and topping up!

She said before (there’s screenshots somewhere on previous threads) that she HAS to keep them open because so many people rely on her for help and advice.

 

[Emmapism]

@TheDragonWithAFlagon

'Carry on, carry on, as if I don't have arthritis' bleeping ended me

That and 'money only matters to meeeeeeeee'

I shall sing it whenever we hear the distant rattle of the tip jar

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Wondering what levels of coloured in lists we'll be treated to next. That being said with her demon speed writing she probably knocks those lists out in a minute or two. RA? We don't know her!

 

[Ellabella]

Also not included in the £20 shops:

"Fancy" shaped pasta
Shortbread biscuits for dominoes
Domino Christmas toppers
Mincemeat

 

[TriviaNewtonJohn]

Why does she keep repeating the 'do you expect me to throw out all my food' crap. No we would just like some honesty and for JM to stop claiming she's feeding 2 adults and a child on £20 a week.

 

[HarderFaster]

Yeah, still not over that myself..

Oh my god I’ll never forget this day.

“I didn’t care enough about my existing fan mail to keep it in a safe place but I need validation right now so please send fawning letters to this address: my skivvy @ the agents who I make no money for”

I love that she’ll have a little granny shopping trolley plus three letters (one from Nims, one from Stewart and one from Vampire creep) waiting once they go back to the office post-Rona.

She will be studied one day. Spotting a narc on social media 101.

 

[Walkdengirl]

I had at one point two phones full of twitter hate as a man was harassing me and I had to keep them as I had to go to police.

However. I scrubbed the lot and they are still on iCloud. You can’t let the hate weigh you down. Not that I think people are sending her hate. It actually got to the point that my phone was so full of crap I couldn’t do anything else with it. Who needs that? No one.

If you do get hate on twitter it weighs you down. I had people tweeting me photos of guns with my name on them.

And I’m not Jack. I’m not famous. I’m a very ordinary person. It made me unwell.

Why on earth would you want to keep a screenshot of every person who ever sent you abuse. I couldn’t wait to get rid of the rubbish I was sent. It was like a millstone around my neck.

Personally. I’m the kind of person if people hate me it weighs me down. I’m a natural worrier and I’m not just a shrug off kind of person. So honestly? I hate twitter. It’s horrible and it’s toxic. Why expose yourself to all that nonsense and then give it the poor me.

Just get off the platform. Don’t bang on about how crap it is and stay there. Leave.

If people send you abuse. Block them. Don’t screenshot it all and then cry about it. Get rid of it all.

Babes. Same. Have a hug

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Oh my god I’ll never forget this day.

“I didn’t care enough about my existing fan mail to keep it in a safe place but I need validation right now so please send fawning letters to this address: my skivvy @ the agents who I make no money for”

I love that she’ll have a little granny shopping trolley plus three letters (one from Nims, one from Stewart and one from Vampire creep) waiting once they go back to the office post-Rona.

Did you notice she's started claiming that no shopping trolley was there? So was this squiggle lying? Seems a very strange thing to lie about, unless of course Jack has her eye on a much more expensive/trendy trolley and doesn't want to have to explain what happened to the one she was kindly sent... Cue X Files theme tune

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

@TheDragonWithAFlagon Outstanding! Pure class!
If we thought the bingo set her off she is going to flip her tits at this and I, for one, can't bleeping wait!

 

[jenny2603]

Why does she keep repeating the 'do you expect me to throw out all my food' crap. No we would just like some honesty and for JM to stop claiming she's feeding 2 adults and a child on £20 a week.

I don't know but I wish someone would just reply yes.

 

[MushyBeans]

Thought I was destined to lurk for ever, but I’ve just gone to check our jacks timeline and I’ve been BLOCKED all I did was like a couple of the tweets RE the mythical £20 shop earlier today. Never mind, guess I’m one of you now!

 

[Walkdengirl]

Babes remember a couple of weeks ago I recreated Jack's 20 quid shop, but spent nowt, did we starve? No, cos like Jack we ate out of the fridge, freezer and cupboards. And that's why these 20 quid ships boil my piss.

 

[DinosaurSenior]

Only 2 more sleeps til Thursday and the Big Reveal!!!

And I... can't wait, I can't wait, another minute. (©5Star)

 

[Lastoftheflumps]

Babes. Same. Have a hug

You too. Thank you

 

[PoorPatrol]

Thought I was destined to lurk for ever, but I’ve just gone to check our jacks timeline and I’ve been BLOCKED all I did was like a couple of the tweets RE the mythical £20 shop earlier today. Never mind, guess I’m one of you now!

Had to be done

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Finally got my court appearance outfit sorted!

 

[kachoochoo]

Haha excellent list. Do I vaguely remember she was also going to curate a book of essays etc by poc?
And something to do with Marcus?
Is she still doing something re Grenfell Tower?
All becomes a bit of a blur tbh.

it certainly is a blur. think she's given upon Marcus, don't think he's returning her calls. and the closest thing she's done regarding grenfell is get involved with that tenants association zoom call the other day. sorry, the "housing conference"

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Thought I was destined to lurk for ever, but I’ve just gone to check our jacks timeline and I’ve been BLOCKED all I did was like a couple of the tweets RE the mythical £20 shop earlier today. Never mind, guess I’m one of you now!

A rookie mistake dear heart! You're a full time ninny now x