IndomitableInsomniac
New member
Hi everyone (waves enthusiastically), I'm new, but kind of feel like I know you all after reading literally hundreds of these posts, following an insomniac episode on Monday night... woke up at 3am and somehow found myself on these threads... five hours later, I was still reading, and have not really stopped since! So finally, I thought I would share some views of my own, and I suspect this may be a somewhat lengthy post, so please indulge me...
I had been following the AE/IG/BW drama in the press, having only vaguely heard of one of the three (IG) beforehand, and thinking how bizarre and sad AE's behaviour seemed. I was intrigued as to why she was behaving in such an unconventional and (self-) destructive fashion, and, after reading the threads here and her own SM, have come to the following conclusions...
I think AE and IG were a bad match from the start, and I think his family thought that, too, and desperately tried to warn him off, which was behind their ongoing antipathy towards Alice (I do not think it had anything to do with her not being Welsh!). I think that the young and inexperienced IG was overawed by Alice's good looks and "star power" and became besotted, and this was exacerbated by two key factors, the first being that he was younger than her. A five-year gap between a 26-year-old man and 31-year-old woman (as they were when they met) is really quite significant, as a 26-year-old man is typically still quite adolescent, whereas a 31-year-old woman is in "proper grown up" territory.
It's quite unusual for a woman to get seriously involved with a younger man, as in almost all relationships throughout human history, the man is at least somewhat older (two to five years, usually, but obviously the gap can be much bigger, e.g., IG and BW, and we will return to that later). Men famously mature more slowly than women, so even a same-aged partner is unlikely to be a match maturity-wise, therefore a woman going for a man significantly younger is very unusual and often (not always, but often) signifies that something is awry.
The second factor is that IG was particularly inexperienced for a 26-year-old, owing to the fact that it seems he had no kind of romantic relationship until he was 22. That is late, and puts him even further behind a 31-year-old woman in terms of life experience and therefore maturity. So Alice selected a man that was in every way "less" than her - less amount of years on the planet, less romantic experience, less resulting confidence, etc. This is key.
In most cases I have known where a woman chooses a younger man, it is to do with a certain level of insecurity in that woman, needing to feel higher status to, and in control of, her partner. That's not always the case and of course there are healthy relationships where the woman is older, but of those that I have known, that dynamic - an insecure woman needing to be with someone less experienced, confident, and powerful to herself in order to feel in control - is what drives women picking younger men - and that is especially pronounced here, because 26 is young for a man anyway, but given Ioan's late romantic start and therefore inexperience, he was probably more like a teenager developmentally, which almost gives the relationship a "mother son" dynamic. The point is, it most definitely puts her in the driving seat, which is obviously what she wanted.
Further compounding Alice's wish for power and control is the fact they weren't a match looks-wise either. When they first met, she was much better looking than him and clearly the "catch" in the relationship, which added to his sense of over-awedness, and her ability to wield the power and be in control. Looking back at early pictures of them, I always think, "they don't look right together", and I think what I am seeing is a physical manifestation of the power imbalance.
I think he was quite insecure and shy (actors often are, and acting gives them a way to feel confident) and she was brash and assertive, and that also attracted him, as we are often attracted to traits in partners that we lack in ourselves and wish we had more of.
So I think that, in effect, this relationship began doomed to failure, as it was all based on various power imbalances that enabled Alice to be in control, whilst IG's role was to look up to her, be bossed around, and be grateful he'd got himself such a catch.
The dynamic in their relationship seems very much the typical "hen pecked husband", where the wife is loud and domineering and the more introverted and shy husband just puts up with it. I scrolled back to early Instagram posts of Alice's, and there are "jokes" about him needing to be dragged down the aisle (and an accompanying picture of his friends doing just this), as well as screen grabs from them talking whilst he's away shooting, and her admitting she just rabbits on whilst he stays silent. In the context of what looked like a stable marriage, these looked like genuine jokes, but knowing what we know now, they seem very revealing - much truth is revealed in supposed jest, after all.
So I don't think this was ever a healthy, functional relationship, but whilst Ioan was young, inexperienced, and shy, it "worked" to a degree - as introverted, shy men often do go for extroverted, brash women, because they don't feel confident enough to take the lead in a relationship themselves, especially when they're young, and are hence grateful to a louder and more confident type doing that for them. He was also very physically attracted to her when she was younger - as were many men - so this was a powerful motivator for him to remain in the relationship, unsuitable as it was.
However, all Alice's "power" over Ioan was time-limited, based on two factors that were going to invariably fade and change: her looks and his youth / inexperience.
By the time she got to her late forties, the signs of middle-age were really starting to show, whilst he was mid-forties and right in his prime as a man (which is about 35-55 for men - women reading this, if you're under 30, you won't get that yet, but... you will!). He had become a proper grown-up and no longer wanted or needed to be bossed about and hen-pecked in an imbalanced relationship, where he was treated more like a little kid brother, than an equal adult partner. The way she was with him on Instagram was really bratty and disrespectful (taking photos when he didn't want it, calling him names, etc), and an assault to his dignity - he seems like a serious and sober adult who would not enjoy childish "banter" of that nature (not many 48-year-olds would) - and in the later pictures of him on her Instagram, you can really see the pain etched on his face. He does look like someone going through profound emotional and psychological torment.
Now, to be fair, I don't think Alice is Machiavellian and evil and WANTED to cause him this kind of pain, I just think she's very immature and underdeveloped herself (a lot of actresses / models are, because they get too much attention for their looks when they're younger, and thus never properly develop their personality) and was panicking that the old way of relating - starry-eyed, shy Ioan looks up to gorgeous, confident Alice, and does whatever she says - was no longer working, she was losing power over him, and she didn't know how to handle it.
It seems he did his absolute best to save the marriage - he seems very rooted in traditionalism and family stability and would desperately have wanted the children to grow up with an intact family - but Alice's immaturity made this impossible, as it made her unreachable. It's obvious her own ego won't allow her to entertain the fact she could have done anything wrong, such as embarrassing him on social media (a major problem in many relationships, and 'Facebook' is mentioned in about half of all divorce petitions), or "letting herself go" - she has put on a lot of weight, and if his preference is for slim women (which is a perfectly reasonable preference to have), then that will be difficult for him - just as it might be difficult for a woman if her slim, athletic husband suddenly put on a lot of weight. But it seems Alice wasn't (and isn't) able to accept that anything she might have done was responsible for the change in his feelings towards her, and so just keeps blaming him, his mother, Bianca, etc. In reality, Bianca is a consequence of their difficulties, not a cause of them.
It's very revealing that Bianca is 20 years younger than Ioan, and also NOT a Hollywood blonde starlet type. She's pretty, certainly, but not the kind of "stunna" Alice was at that age. This is a conscious choice on the part of older, wiser IG - he now realises what going for the "blonde bombshell" often entails, and that those types of women are often very entitled and very unstable, and often end up (including and especially as they get older and lose their looks) unbearable to be around, because as I say, they have cruised too much on their looks and therefore haven't developed properly in other areas.
Bianca, on the other hand, is not so pretty that she would have had every opportunity handed to her on a plate, and so clearly has had to work normal jobs and develop a personality - and, of course, she has a serious illness. Many men would run a mile at that kind of diagnosis, but Ioan hasn't, which I think speaks volumes about the kind of depth of character he has. Were he just a cad and a bounder looking for a bit of no-strings fun, I'm sure he could have found any number of ditzy LA blondes for that - but that's not what he's done.
He has also selected a partner quite a lot younger, which is a very stark statement about the power dynamics he wants to leave behind. He is no longer an inexperienced adolescent needing an older woman to take charge, he is a strong and capable adult man who wants a relationship that reflects that, and with a person who respects who he is. You can just tell Bianca is not a "hen-pecker" or "ball-buster" or any of that, she seems thoughtful, serious, and polite - just like him. Unlike him and Alice, Ioan and Bianca DO look right together, and I noticed that right away - indeed (as others have said), they almost look as if they could be related, and it's not uncommon for similar looks to speak of similar personalities, and to signify a really powerful connection.
The inherent problem they have moving forward is that they are adults, and Alice - even though she is nearly 25 years older than Bianca - isn't really. That's what strikes me about her behaviour, not that she's "evil" or even necessarily a narcissist, just that she's really, really immature and doesn't have the expected emotional toolkit of a 53-year-old adult to deal with what is - certainly a heart-breaking, distressing experience - but a very common one and one that almost everyone else deals with with more nous than she is.
The reason that most other people (especially with any kind of public profile) deal with splits with a dignified silence is obviously NOT because they are being 'oppressed by the patriarchy', and nor is it "out of respect" for their ex and their ex's new squeeze - not at all. It's purely out of self-interest, that they KNOW they will look terrible if they start ranting and raving, and that if they simply keep quiet, everyone will be sympathetic to them (as everyone would have been to Alice had she said nothing publicly). They are doing what is in their own best interests - and the best interests of their children if they have them - which is to keep quiet and only discuss the matter privately with trusted friends.
The fact that Alice can't see this at all and has managed to convince herself she's on some sort of moral crusade to correct the injustices of wronged wives everywhere, is just sad and delusional - and as I said, very resonant of immaturity.
She sounds like a teenage girl in her rants and tirades, NOT a middle-aged woman, and as I said, it is this immaturity that ultimately destroyed the marriage, as what man wants to be with a bratty, bitchy teenage girl? No adult man does, only an adolescent boy does - which is what he was when she met him, but certainly is not any more.
It also is really troubling what Alice has been doing with her time since the children stopped being babies, because it's clear Ioan is an intelligent and thoughtful man and will want a partner who is too - he will want them to have things to talk about, and as far as I can see, Alice has done nothing for at least the last four years - not only no paid work, but no volunteering, no courses or classes (many can be done online), just... nothing. She seems to have had the life of a lazy adolescent, just grunging at home watching TV and going on social media. No ambitious, intelligent person is going to find that attractive to come home to.
It's disrespectful to your partner to be like that - you have a responsibility to be interesting for them (and you should want to be for yourself). She is not stupid (degrees in languages from UCL are not handed out like Smarties) and she shouldn't have allowed herself to become intellectually flabby and lazy in the way it seems she has.
I do not wish to demonise her and I know she's had a terrible shock and that divorce is always tremendously difficult to deal with, especially when children are involved. I also think she's been a good mother as the children look happy, healthy, and relaxed - they do not appear as if they are in any way being abused or mistreated, and if they were, I don't think Ioan would have left them on their own with her. She seems to have a close bond with them, and a plus with an immature adult is that they are often very good with young children (things will likely become more tense as the children become teenagers, but that's true in most families).
I think Alice has the potential to turn her life around, but she needs to realise the facts of her life have left her immature and underdeveloped and that she needs to do intensive inner work to literally "grow up", and make the most of her capabilities (she clearly is clever, can be very funny, and writes well, for a start). If she can do this, it will help her to realise that she and Ioan were ill-fated from the start and it is for the best that he has left - he's now found a more appropriate partner, and in time she can, too.
The best thing for the children is if their parents can just be civil and keep their personal feelings out of it (Ioan is doing well at this). Alice needs to realise she's not hurting or punishing Ioan or Bianca with her tirades (she's actually pushing them closer together and making him feel ever-more justified in his decision to leave and be with someone else), and she's certainly not correcting any injustices, she's just making things more difficult for her children and increasing the amount of therapy they will need moving forward. She's entitled to think Ioan is a complete bastard and to rant about this at length to her close friends and therapists, but the children should be completely insulated from the fact she thinks this (I'm pretty sure Ioan is refraining from commenting on his feelings about Alice to the children).
So those are my thoughts. Alice, if you are reading this, I feel complete sympathy for anyone who deals with family breakdown (I dealt with it myself as a child and know it is very painful), but we must accept that it does happen, do our best to deal with the resulting pain and trauma without creating more of it, and move forward in the best possible way. It's for the best that you and Ioan have split up (you can't see this now but hopefully in time you will), and you are only 53 - likely with 30 years or more life ahead of you. Plenty of time to reinvent yourself, start a new career, meet someone new, and continue being a great mother.
For the love of your children, stop lashing out at Ioan and realise your children need to be able to love him, and not feel they are betraying their mother by doing so. If they feel torn between their parents and like cultivating a good relationship with their father is letting you down, then they won't do it, and this will profoundly damage them for the rest of their lives. PLEASE put them first and put on a brave face. You are an actor after all, so ACT civilly towards Ioan, regardless of how you really feel. It's by far the best thing for the girls, and will make everything easier for you, too. If you and Ioan are able to communicate with each other civilly and respectfully, this whole situation will be resolved much more quickly, cheaply, and with far less emotional pain (and will give the tabloids far less to write about).
Do the right thing. Not for Ioan and Bianca's sake - but for the children.
With all best wishes from, random internet stranger #7437... x
I had been following the AE/IG/BW drama in the press, having only vaguely heard of one of the three (IG) beforehand, and thinking how bizarre and sad AE's behaviour seemed. I was intrigued as to why she was behaving in such an unconventional and (self-) destructive fashion, and, after reading the threads here and her own SM, have come to the following conclusions...
I think AE and IG were a bad match from the start, and I think his family thought that, too, and desperately tried to warn him off, which was behind their ongoing antipathy towards Alice (I do not think it had anything to do with her not being Welsh!). I think that the young and inexperienced IG was overawed by Alice's good looks and "star power" and became besotted, and this was exacerbated by two key factors, the first being that he was younger than her. A five-year gap between a 26-year-old man and 31-year-old woman (as they were when they met) is really quite significant, as a 26-year-old man is typically still quite adolescent, whereas a 31-year-old woman is in "proper grown up" territory.
It's quite unusual for a woman to get seriously involved with a younger man, as in almost all relationships throughout human history, the man is at least somewhat older (two to five years, usually, but obviously the gap can be much bigger, e.g., IG and BW, and we will return to that later). Men famously mature more slowly than women, so even a same-aged partner is unlikely to be a match maturity-wise, therefore a woman going for a man significantly younger is very unusual and often (not always, but often) signifies that something is awry.
The second factor is that IG was particularly inexperienced for a 26-year-old, owing to the fact that it seems he had no kind of romantic relationship until he was 22. That is late, and puts him even further behind a 31-year-old woman in terms of life experience and therefore maturity. So Alice selected a man that was in every way "less" than her - less amount of years on the planet, less romantic experience, less resulting confidence, etc. This is key.
In most cases I have known where a woman chooses a younger man, it is to do with a certain level of insecurity in that woman, needing to feel higher status to, and in control of, her partner. That's not always the case and of course there are healthy relationships where the woman is older, but of those that I have known, that dynamic - an insecure woman needing to be with someone less experienced, confident, and powerful to herself in order to feel in control - is what drives women picking younger men - and that is especially pronounced here, because 26 is young for a man anyway, but given Ioan's late romantic start and therefore inexperience, he was probably more like a teenager developmentally, which almost gives the relationship a "mother son" dynamic. The point is, it most definitely puts her in the driving seat, which is obviously what she wanted.
Further compounding Alice's wish for power and control is the fact they weren't a match looks-wise either. When they first met, she was much better looking than him and clearly the "catch" in the relationship, which added to his sense of over-awedness, and her ability to wield the power and be in control. Looking back at early pictures of them, I always think, "they don't look right together", and I think what I am seeing is a physical manifestation of the power imbalance.
I think he was quite insecure and shy (actors often are, and acting gives them a way to feel confident) and she was brash and assertive, and that also attracted him, as we are often attracted to traits in partners that we lack in ourselves and wish we had more of.
So I think that, in effect, this relationship began doomed to failure, as it was all based on various power imbalances that enabled Alice to be in control, whilst IG's role was to look up to her, be bossed around, and be grateful he'd got himself such a catch.
The dynamic in their relationship seems very much the typical "hen pecked husband", where the wife is loud and domineering and the more introverted and shy husband just puts up with it. I scrolled back to early Instagram posts of Alice's, and there are "jokes" about him needing to be dragged down the aisle (and an accompanying picture of his friends doing just this), as well as screen grabs from them talking whilst he's away shooting, and her admitting she just rabbits on whilst he stays silent. In the context of what looked like a stable marriage, these looked like genuine jokes, but knowing what we know now, they seem very revealing - much truth is revealed in supposed jest, after all.
So I don't think this was ever a healthy, functional relationship, but whilst Ioan was young, inexperienced, and shy, it "worked" to a degree - as introverted, shy men often do go for extroverted, brash women, because they don't feel confident enough to take the lead in a relationship themselves, especially when they're young, and are hence grateful to a louder and more confident type doing that for them. He was also very physically attracted to her when she was younger - as were many men - so this was a powerful motivator for him to remain in the relationship, unsuitable as it was.
However, all Alice's "power" over Ioan was time-limited, based on two factors that were going to invariably fade and change: her looks and his youth / inexperience.
By the time she got to her late forties, the signs of middle-age were really starting to show, whilst he was mid-forties and right in his prime as a man (which is about 35-55 for men - women reading this, if you're under 30, you won't get that yet, but... you will!). He had become a proper grown-up and no longer wanted or needed to be bossed about and hen-pecked in an imbalanced relationship, where he was treated more like a little kid brother, than an equal adult partner. The way she was with him on Instagram was really bratty and disrespectful (taking photos when he didn't want it, calling him names, etc), and an assault to his dignity - he seems like a serious and sober adult who would not enjoy childish "banter" of that nature (not many 48-year-olds would) - and in the later pictures of him on her Instagram, you can really see the pain etched on his face. He does look like someone going through profound emotional and psychological torment.
Now, to be fair, I don't think Alice is Machiavellian and evil and WANTED to cause him this kind of pain, I just think she's very immature and underdeveloped herself (a lot of actresses / models are, because they get too much attention for their looks when they're younger, and thus never properly develop their personality) and was panicking that the old way of relating - starry-eyed, shy Ioan looks up to gorgeous, confident Alice, and does whatever she says - was no longer working, she was losing power over him, and she didn't know how to handle it.
It seems he did his absolute best to save the marriage - he seems very rooted in traditionalism and family stability and would desperately have wanted the children to grow up with an intact family - but Alice's immaturity made this impossible, as it made her unreachable. It's obvious her own ego won't allow her to entertain the fact she could have done anything wrong, such as embarrassing him on social media (a major problem in many relationships, and 'Facebook' is mentioned in about half of all divorce petitions), or "letting herself go" - she has put on a lot of weight, and if his preference is for slim women (which is a perfectly reasonable preference to have), then that will be difficult for him - just as it might be difficult for a woman if her slim, athletic husband suddenly put on a lot of weight. But it seems Alice wasn't (and isn't) able to accept that anything she might have done was responsible for the change in his feelings towards her, and so just keeps blaming him, his mother, Bianca, etc. In reality, Bianca is a consequence of their difficulties, not a cause of them.
It's very revealing that Bianca is 20 years younger than Ioan, and also NOT a Hollywood blonde starlet type. She's pretty, certainly, but not the kind of "stunna" Alice was at that age. This is a conscious choice on the part of older, wiser IG - he now realises what going for the "blonde bombshell" often entails, and that those types of women are often very entitled and very unstable, and often end up (including and especially as they get older and lose their looks) unbearable to be around, because as I say, they have cruised too much on their looks and therefore haven't developed properly in other areas.
Bianca, on the other hand, is not so pretty that she would have had every opportunity handed to her on a plate, and so clearly has had to work normal jobs and develop a personality - and, of course, she has a serious illness. Many men would run a mile at that kind of diagnosis, but Ioan hasn't, which I think speaks volumes about the kind of depth of character he has. Were he just a cad and a bounder looking for a bit of no-strings fun, I'm sure he could have found any number of ditzy LA blondes for that - but that's not what he's done.
He has also selected a partner quite a lot younger, which is a very stark statement about the power dynamics he wants to leave behind. He is no longer an inexperienced adolescent needing an older woman to take charge, he is a strong and capable adult man who wants a relationship that reflects that, and with a person who respects who he is. You can just tell Bianca is not a "hen-pecker" or "ball-buster" or any of that, she seems thoughtful, serious, and polite - just like him. Unlike him and Alice, Ioan and Bianca DO look right together, and I noticed that right away - indeed (as others have said), they almost look as if they could be related, and it's not uncommon for similar looks to speak of similar personalities, and to signify a really powerful connection.
The inherent problem they have moving forward is that they are adults, and Alice - even though she is nearly 25 years older than Bianca - isn't really. That's what strikes me about her behaviour, not that she's "evil" or even necessarily a narcissist, just that she's really, really immature and doesn't have the expected emotional toolkit of a 53-year-old adult to deal with what is - certainly a heart-breaking, distressing experience - but a very common one and one that almost everyone else deals with with more nous than she is.
The reason that most other people (especially with any kind of public profile) deal with splits with a dignified silence is obviously NOT because they are being 'oppressed by the patriarchy', and nor is it "out of respect" for their ex and their ex's new squeeze - not at all. It's purely out of self-interest, that they KNOW they will look terrible if they start ranting and raving, and that if they simply keep quiet, everyone will be sympathetic to them (as everyone would have been to Alice had she said nothing publicly). They are doing what is in their own best interests - and the best interests of their children if they have them - which is to keep quiet and only discuss the matter privately with trusted friends.
The fact that Alice can't see this at all and has managed to convince herself she's on some sort of moral crusade to correct the injustices of wronged wives everywhere, is just sad and delusional - and as I said, very resonant of immaturity.
She sounds like a teenage girl in her rants and tirades, NOT a middle-aged woman, and as I said, it is this immaturity that ultimately destroyed the marriage, as what man wants to be with a bratty, bitchy teenage girl? No adult man does, only an adolescent boy does - which is what he was when she met him, but certainly is not any more.
It also is really troubling what Alice has been doing with her time since the children stopped being babies, because it's clear Ioan is an intelligent and thoughtful man and will want a partner who is too - he will want them to have things to talk about, and as far as I can see, Alice has done nothing for at least the last four years - not only no paid work, but no volunteering, no courses or classes (many can be done online), just... nothing. She seems to have had the life of a lazy adolescent, just grunging at home watching TV and going on social media. No ambitious, intelligent person is going to find that attractive to come home to.
It's disrespectful to your partner to be like that - you have a responsibility to be interesting for them (and you should want to be for yourself). She is not stupid (degrees in languages from UCL are not handed out like Smarties) and she shouldn't have allowed herself to become intellectually flabby and lazy in the way it seems she has.
I do not wish to demonise her and I know she's had a terrible shock and that divorce is always tremendously difficult to deal with, especially when children are involved. I also think she's been a good mother as the children look happy, healthy, and relaxed - they do not appear as if they are in any way being abused or mistreated, and if they were, I don't think Ioan would have left them on their own with her. She seems to have a close bond with them, and a plus with an immature adult is that they are often very good with young children (things will likely become more tense as the children become teenagers, but that's true in most families).
I think Alice has the potential to turn her life around, but she needs to realise the facts of her life have left her immature and underdeveloped and that she needs to do intensive inner work to literally "grow up", and make the most of her capabilities (she clearly is clever, can be very funny, and writes well, for a start). If she can do this, it will help her to realise that she and Ioan were ill-fated from the start and it is for the best that he has left - he's now found a more appropriate partner, and in time she can, too.
The best thing for the children is if their parents can just be civil and keep their personal feelings out of it (Ioan is doing well at this). Alice needs to realise she's not hurting or punishing Ioan or Bianca with her tirades (she's actually pushing them closer together and making him feel ever-more justified in his decision to leave and be with someone else), and she's certainly not correcting any injustices, she's just making things more difficult for her children and increasing the amount of therapy they will need moving forward. She's entitled to think Ioan is a complete bastard and to rant about this at length to her close friends and therapists, but the children should be completely insulated from the fact she thinks this (I'm pretty sure Ioan is refraining from commenting on his feelings about Alice to the children).
So those are my thoughts. Alice, if you are reading this, I feel complete sympathy for anyone who deals with family breakdown (I dealt with it myself as a child and know it is very painful), but we must accept that it does happen, do our best to deal with the resulting pain and trauma without creating more of it, and move forward in the best possible way. It's for the best that you and Ioan have split up (you can't see this now but hopefully in time you will), and you are only 53 - likely with 30 years or more life ahead of you. Plenty of time to reinvent yourself, start a new career, meet someone new, and continue being a great mother.
For the love of your children, stop lashing out at Ioan and realise your children need to be able to love him, and not feel they are betraying their mother by doing so. If they feel torn between their parents and like cultivating a good relationship with their father is letting you down, then they won't do it, and this will profoundly damage them for the rest of their lives. PLEASE put them first and put on a brave face. You are an actor after all, so ACT civilly towards Ioan, regardless of how you really feel. It's by far the best thing for the girls, and will make everything easier for you, too. If you and Ioan are able to communicate with each other civilly and respectfully, this whole situation will be resolved much more quickly, cheaply, and with far less emotional pain (and will give the tabloids far less to write about).
Do the right thing. Not for Ioan and Bianca's sake - but for the children.
With all best wishes from, random internet stranger #7437... x
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