Heartbreak.

[Eyerollbrainache]

Hey there.

I've been reading along because I went through the same thing back in April last year. I was dumped in a final way pretty much out the blue by my partner of 10 years and father of my youngest. He said it was over and that he had made up his mind and he wouldn't ever change it.

I was broken, didn't get out of bed. Ended up on medication (propranolol) and was signed off work for 5 weeks. I didn't see how I could continue living. It was about 10 weeks before I could function properly without crying through the day. Even then I still chased him, text him, slept with him and then broke all over again when he said nothing had changed again the next day and it was just sex to him.

The relationship was a rocky one from the start, he prioritised everything above me, and he stonewalled in response to any kind of conflict or me enforcing boundaries or asking for my needs to be met.... we'd end up not speaking for days /a week until I begged him to come back to me and he put all the blame of everything that had happened on me and I took it apologising a million times. He used to shout "do you really think this is what love is? " just because I'd asked to see him a bit more

Therapy made me see what had happened wasn't normal in a relationship and that we were connected by a trauma bond not an amazing 'soul mate once in a life time' thing like my fantasy view of the relationship was.

Once I started to pull myself together a bit about 4 months later, I lost lots of weight and started posting on my social media about enjoying life again, he came back.... He was going through something and I supported him wholly through it. We officially got back together, however if I asked for more (more time / more affection / more support), no matter how I asked for it he took it terribly and again stoned walled and it would turn into a huge thing that id end up taking the blame for again. I was beginning to see through what was happening but I still held on.

4 weeks ago its happened again. He did something quite disrespectful to me and I called him out on it. I usually wouldnt have (I knew what would happen) but I was high on pain medication from the hospital after an accident and he walked out without saying a word and I've not heard from him since apart from single line texts to pick up his son to which I've replied civilly. I've also had a really poorly parent during this time. We didn't know if theyd pull through at one point, he knew and still didn't bother to get in touch.

I'm not spending my days crying, perhaps just a bit at bedtime but I'm hurting inside. I feel like I'm done with the relationship now, finally. But knowing that in your head and knowing that in your heart are two separate things and my heart hasn't quite yet caught up. I spend my days wondering what it's going to feel like when he finds someone new etc.

I hope you don't mind me posting on here. I know I'm not completely broken this time and I'm so sorry for what you are all going through, I know how it feels. I just needed to write this down and get it out, I thought it might help a bit.

Ive refused to play the game this time and go creeping back with my tail between my legs saying sorry for having needs so we've just gone completely silent. I don't understand how anyone could treat another person like this...

The trauma bond part really resonated with me. I think my ex and me were exactly the same. We had what I thought was an amazing connection 'soul mate' style thing but in reality it was a relationship that was very problematic and we clung to each other because past traumas we had made it seem 'safe'. In actual reality it was the opposite. It was very manipulative and reactive.

I'm so glad you are feeling better. I have to say the third time he ended it I was the same. It's less soul crushing and breaking. 5 months down the line I actually feel better. I have just started reading 'the secret joy of being single' but it took me months to start it too. I've found regular exercise and keeping busy to help as well.

I really do feel for you all on here in the heartbreak stage, but I promise it does get better. One day you just stop being consumed by it all and you don't even realise at first. One thing I also found that helps is allowing my self a period of time each day to be sad and think about it. For example at the beginning I would say I could think about it and be said for 5 minutes every hour in the hour, then the next 55 minutes I couldn't. It was hard at first but a few days in I found that I didn't need it every hour and moved it to ever two hours ect, then slowly made the gaps bigger. It was just retraining my thoughts to be mine again and not on him.

I also agree with the posters who say we romantise the good and forget the bad. It does get better and better days are ahead.

 

[hello479]

Getting a dog for yourself is a great idea. You should definitely do it.

I would be so lost without the dog. My husband asked if he could take him (on the basis whatever happens we will both share the dog where possible!) but I said no and he thankfully didn’t fight it. Having a dog definitely makes me get out of bed each morning and forces me out for fresh air

 

[Reverend]

Personally, I'm not a fan of the whole getting over someone by getting under someone new method.

I had two experiences of being under someone else after being dumped by someone. One worked out well, and we dated for 2 years or so, and another was a massive mistake. It does depend on the other person, plus how your head is.

 

[TheOpposite]

I think that the problem with ’heartbreak’ is that its survivors - especially when cheating turns out to be the reason the relationship ended - want to share their experiences and make sure no one makes the same mistakes they did. Take off those rose tinted glasses - end the relationship or begin rebuilding it. Being in limbo - will we get back together or won’t we - is where all the pain comes from.

But everyone follows their own path. You need to learn from the experience to ensure history doesn’t repeat itself. It’s a bumpy road but ultimately I believe this thread can be helpful if we remember that everyone has an opinion and you don’t have to agree with it.

 

[Littleelf]

I completely relate to the feeling of being absolutely crushed and devastated. I thought I might handle it better since I’m older now but really age has nothing to do with it. Turning up at your house with another girl is such a fucked up and unnecessary thing to do! Good on your for blocking him

I think when you are truly heartbroken it doesn't matter how young or old, you feel it down to your bones you really do. I think if I came face to face with my ex now after 10 years it would still devastate me even though I'm happy in my life and love my partner.

Look after yourself and take it day by day, do what makes you feel better and get into a new routine. Time will pass and you'll find your new happy

 

[gigi_93]

Ahhh I see what you mean. I'm the same, instead I'm enduring sitting in the house thinking this is not how i wanted to respond to a break up! I need wine, a good mate to chat shit too and a busy bar!

Its literally the worst time to go through a breakup. Even worse is he can do whatever he likes as Florida has no restrictions. For two weeks I’ve watched him go about his life on social media like nothing has happened and I don’t exist! :/ Did you get given a reason by him for doing it to you?

also has anyone got any tips to stop yourself stalking the shit out of their social media?? He may have blocked me but I can still see from a browser. I feel unhinged

 

[gigi_93]

Thank you, really appreciate that. The rest of the week hasn't been so bad, maybe because we've been in touch regularly over getting some works on the house sorted. I haven't been publicly embarrassing myself like the other night on the train All contact has been friendly enough but it still feels like he's not himself, I can't quite put my finger on it but something is different. I think in a couple of weeks I'd like to have a proper talk with him again. I'm just surviving for now, you know?

How are you getting on?

So glad you’re feeling a bit better. After 13 years of marriage you’re entitled to want to have a proper talk and he should give that to you.

I’m ok. Wondering whether to make another go of this relationship or not. Seems like there’s too many things still in the way, and he did break my heart. but I can’t deny the fact I love him

Hope everyone who is going through a break up is doing okay. I've been through a lot of bad things in my life but I came through them and so will you. I've been heartbroken and cried an ocean but my tears dried and so will yours. Try something new, even if it's a new haircut ( when you can have them). Social media was not around when this was happening for me and I'm grateful for that. My advice is to not contact the person, block them on everything and resist the temptation of peeking . If they've ended the relationship they may be further ahead of you and ready for another relationship. If that happens, let it go. Things will get better and I'm sending you all a massive hug xx

I really wish social media was not around, I keep thinking how much easier breakups must have been without the constant need to stalk an ex’s social media!

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I'm sorry about your sister. This guy sounds a total narcasist. He knew that you'd be thinking about your late sister rather than him and just had to put himself smack bang at the forefront of your mind again then as soon as your focus shifted he hit you with "never contact me again" He wants to consume your thoughts so that you can't move on the way he has. Delete his number and never let him have that power over you again.
Ladies trust me when I tell you that you're so much better off without these emotionally constipated little boys.

Thank you xo .. I know he is a narc big time, he had a hold over me for a long time, even when I had moved on, he would still be there in the background with his nasty shit. I keep telling myself he is somebody else's problem now and his ugly side will no doubt rear its head sooner or later but its not my problem anymore, I can finally be free to live my life now without worry or fear. I spend so much time reading about narc's and everything I read is just so, so spot on. Sometimes it is good to write on hear and get advice from other people, as I am such an overthinker, sometime I need told what I already know if that makes sense. x

 

[Imonlyme]

Thanks @LateG0ssiper for pointing me in the direction here, just copying my post from another thread -

my husband of 2.5 years left last week. We’d been together 8 years and he said he’s just not happy anymore. I know my mental health has taken a big downward turn since lockdown and I am so torn between hoping he comes back and accepting it and moving on with my life. I’m so ashamed as I don’t know anyone else aged 31 and divorced! Does anyone have a similar experience?

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.
There is absolutely no shame in being divorced at any age. Some things just don't work no matter how hard or how much we want them to. I know this will sound bad and not what you want to hear, but sometimes some things happen for a reason we can't see yet.

Did your husband say why he wasn't happy anymore? You said your mental health has declined since lockdown, was this something he said was making him unhappy?

Trust me, things do get better after a break up. You do find your feet again and you do find the strength to move on eventually. Ways to help this are to solely concentrate on you and what you truly need right now, aside from him. Do things that make you happy, no matter how small. Take a long bath and get some music on. Lose yourself in a book. Paint your nails. Treat yourself to a takeaway and a movie box set. Talk to friends and remind yourself of who you were before you were a wife. What made that person happy?

I'm sending you loads of love

 

[JoeBloggs]

Yes, he was at his mum & dads house

I completely appreciate you trying to make it work for your family. For me it would be his behaviour in that week, was he sorry, has he tried to repair things.

As others have said, he hid this well and only admitted it because he had been found out not through guilt or remorse. How long would he have carried it on for? And for me, what she posted on Instagram was a lot more than a few shags type of affair. Please do not think you have to make this work if you are not happy.

 

[Imonlyme]

Thank you, I'm sorry for taking it to heart. As you can imagine I'm feeling hyper sensitive at the moment from the exhaustion.


No, I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost 3 weeks now and I was scared to bring it up when I saw him, it felt like it was too soon. I agreed to only contact him about anything urgent while he was starting therapy so I'm trying to honour that. I know it's a conversation we'll have to have at some point but having had some financial advice it's not looking good for me. I have very little in the way of family and friends and to be honest I'm terrified.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I completely understand you're feeling terrified but that's all the more reason why you have to think about yourself right now. You have to secure your own future now and it's time for you to place some of your own boundaries and conditions with your husband.

You agreed not to contact him unless it's an emergency, you having somewhere to live is an emergency. You should tell him that it's imperative that you both discuss the living options together and as soon as possible. You have to know every single option available to you so you know which direction in which to move. Being in limbo like you are won't help with how you're feeling, and having one less thing on your mind could give you the strength you need to move forward.

Honestly Hope you feel better soon

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

A week is such a short space of time, especially after discovering something as awful as your partner cheating. You probably would have still been in shock with both your heart and mind left reeling from it all.

It's perfectly okay if now, a few months down the line you're not so sure if you done the right thing by taking him back.

Did he beg for another chance? Personally, I think he should have been made sweat for bit after what he done. It sounds like he's gotten away with it a little too easy without having to actually realise how much he's messed up, or what's even at stake because of his selfish actions.

Be careful. After how easy he's had it and how quickly you decided to give him another chance, he may do it again because he will assume you will forgive him just as easy. I know you've said this is his last chance, but he may not see it that way because it's not like he had to work hard to win you back.

I'm not saying you are, but a guy might just look at it as you're a pushover which means he can do what he wants. He lost nothing from his selfish actions, but he did get to have some cheeky fun with his bit on the side and now he's still living it up with his wife and kids in the family home probably feeling like the king he thinks he is.

Sometimes, people need to lose something before they realise what it meant to them. He needs to see that you will not tolerate his betrayal. That cheating is absolutely not okay.

I do understand what everyone’s saying and not everyone would have done it the way I did and that’s okay. Yeah I was still in shock it shattered my whole life and maybe he did come back to quickly but it seemed the right thing to do at the time, the house is in both our names but I have family that would help me with another deposit/fees to rent again so I always have the option of moving on elsewhere. I have made myself very clear to him that if anything however small happens again that’s it we’re done. I mentioned yesterday to him maybe we should divorce because he shat all over our wedding vows. I’m not the pushover people may think I am. It’s so painful when the one person you’d go to for everything is the one causing your pain it’s confusing. He knows he’s on thin ice with me and I won’t tolerate anything else x

 

[Imonlyme]

Thanks all We’ve had a bumpy past few months (him packing and leaving - taking me by total surprise) saying he no longer wanted the same things (kids, big house etc) but after 3 weeks and lots of talking came back. He had another wobble in February but didn’t actually leave, and today I suspected he had packed some things. He said he was only thinking about it and if I hadn’t confronted him he wouldn’t have left! We are having very minimal chat at the moment, mostly agreeing what we do with the house and our dog, but I feel like he’s yet again made a rash decision and will be back begging forgiveness for his bad judgement soon. He was really weird about me asking him to cancel our summer holiday which makes me think he sees this as a reversible thing? It’s such a headf*ck


Thank you so much - much as it’s obvious awful for you and I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone, it’s really comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this x

Don't wait around for a guy that can't make up his mind about you.

Trust me, been there and done it when it comes to a guy packing up and leaving, then deciding he made a mistake and coming back only to do the same again. If you allow it, it will only become a toxic cycle of hurt and devastation for you. Rarely is there a happy ending in scenarios like this. And even if you do let him come back, how long till you're secretly wondering and worrying if he's planning to leave you again?

That sort of nonsense does nothing for your mental wellbeing.

 

[no-no]

When my ex split with me he blocked me, didn’t give any real reason and wouldn’t talk to me. I was devastated. Turned out he had a bit of attention off other girls and was bored with me. I slowly started to get past it and just start to get myself in a place where I was eating and looking after myself. He had my sister on fb and as soon as he saw I was going out and having a nice time again bam he unblocked me and stared saying how he’d been struggling without me.

I fell for it, decided I still really loved him and would do anything to see him again and the games started up again for months. He was basically sleeping with me but didn’t want to officially get back together as he wanted to “take it slow”. Soon found out there was other girls involved and I was heartbroken again.

After quite a long time of being officially single I started seeing my current bf. And guess what? Ex wanted to get back with me then as he realised he didn’t want to lose me

My point is that most of the time they don’t want to be with you but they don’t want you to be happy with anyone else. As heartbroken and as much as you want to talk to them, carry on with no contact, I can guarantee it will save you further heartache down the line rather than placing so much hope on a message here and there. I wish I’d saved myself more pain.

This nails it. My recent ex done this, liked the chase but wanted the ego boost off any female and completely shut me off emotionally once he thought he’d won me round. Wouldn’t even comfort me if I was upset but his DMs were always open for female coworkers because he was such a nice guy™ House devil, street angel, as my mum says. I found out when we split he was still messaging exes, one married, from over 15 years ago, just why?! (That’s rhetorical, he was a narcissist).

It isn’t the majority of men who do this though, if that’s your perception (not you, Barbie) then unfortunately it sounds like you’ve dated men with narcissistic tendencies and should read up on the red flags to break the cycle.

 

[Lovethesun]

Same , my ex had a silver bmw & never have I ever seen so many anywhere !! Everytime I see one my heart skips a beat . I’m bound to drive past him one day cos he doesn’t live very far !!

 

[HarJR289]

It’s looking to me like there’s a 4 year common theme!

 

[Imonlyme]

This is something that I'm struggling with, even the day before he left we were talking about plans for the house. I find it too overwhelming to try and think any further ahead than a couple of weeks at the moment. My whole life will have to change.

That's a completely normal part of the process, and in time you'll suddenly realise that you're thinking ahead to further than just a few weeks. Getting over it doesn't happen over night, but one day you will suddenly realise that it just doesn't hurt the way it used to.

Only a few weeks ago you couldn't think past the next hour and now you're thinking a few weeks ahead. That's progress and you should be proud of yourself. You've managed to survive and go about your life this far without him and that shows just what you are capable of, and it will be showing him too that you can manage without him.

You're taking back control of your life and that is the best thing you could ever do for yourself. You're stronger than you think even if you don't feel it. Sending you love.

 

[anonesk223]

Hi everyone, feel silly posting this as it’s not really an “ex” but I’ve been feeling so down the last few days, a guy ive been seeing, and really hit it off with, broke things off as he realised he’s not over his ex (a long term relationship and messy break up), and he’s realised he’s actually not ready to see or even speak to anyone. He said all these things about being excited to see me, to take me to all these places, and he’s never connected to anyone like he did with me. I met some of his friends as well which made memories flood back and he realised he’s not ready for anyone to feel the gap.
I do genuinely believe he meant all of it and it’s just awful timing, he was teary and seemed so frustrated, but I’m just so so gutted because I feel like we had something. We are now not speaking and I just feel so sad and lost lol

 

[watermelon sugar]

I always thought I wanted closure with my ex but it turned out it was just what I wanted at the time and it wasn't even worth the upset. It takes a while to realise that if they are just gonna hurt you like that with no explanation their not even worth it

Sending all my love

 

[Cocoflowers]

Well he’s just ditched me... mixed feelings, gutted it’s over as I was previously very happy. But I WAS FUCKING RIGHT! I knew it! He’ll be the one regretting it by tomorrow. I feel strangely happy that I was right, it wasn’t me being overly sensitive. He swears that no one else has contacted him or anything, and I do believe him but maybe I’m a gullible sap.

Always trust the gut feelings they are always right at least you didnt waste more time he probably will come back when you are moving on believe in yourself x