Heartbreak.

[HarJR289]

I’m struggling so hard today. I miss him SO much. I’m so close to texting him and telling him. I dream about him all the time and for the first five seconds I forget and then it all starts again.

 

[gigi_93]

Ok so, to give you some perspective....

youve been involved with this guy for 4 years, but it’s always been long distance? ——— ok, I know you won’t want to hear this but.... this isn’t a real relationship. You live thousands of miles away, in different time zones, with completely separate lives. It doesn’t matter how many phone calls or FaceTimes or text messages happen, it’s not a real relationship because you are both living completely different separate lives.

you say that you’ve travelled over to Florida frequently to visit him - but has he put in the same level of effort to come to the UK to spend time with you??? I’m assuming no?

The comment about “practically being a step mum to his kids” - what? You live thousands of miles away, how on Earth is this even remotely true??

I’m really sorry to say this but I’d say he’s been playing you along for years. The fact that he literally just cut you off like that speaks volumes. It wasn’t a real relationship, it never was and it was never going to be.

honestly, the best thing you can do now is just completely cease all contact with him. It’s over, whatever it was. You deserve more than some half arsed cross Atlantic pen pal.

Thank you for your response but long distance relationships are as real as any other. You lost me after claiming otherwise.

Reading this thread has been very sad!

I was on and off with someone for 4 years, picked me up then dropped me when he felt like it, I tried to move on many times and he'd come running back, I lost a ton of weight, guess what he was interested! I was stupid enough to think it would ever work, anyway a year later this idiot decided he wanted to pack up and go and work abroad! Didn't discuss with me but other friends of ours! I was distraught we split up but just before he left we decided to get back together and make it work... I was naive enough to believe this would happen... as soon as he was in a different country he barely contacted me, I was a mess and couldn't handle it but stupidly allowed it to go on for months until he returned briefly, with this we had a conversation and I decided enough was enough, after years of being treated like this something finally clicked inside I could do so much better!

Now don't get me wrong, I went on a mad year did somethings I shouldn't have, he even messaged my friend one evening (whilst we were both on a night out, had seen our selfie together) asking how I was and that he'd heard id gone a bit wild but I 100% knew I had done the best thing for my own mental health and then about 18 months from when we split I had an email from him (I'd changed my number and came off social media) asking if I'd like to chat, I simply replied "not particularly" and since then I haven't heard at thing directly but that's only as he has no way of communication, occasionally I will have a friend say he's asked after me and as harsh as this sounds I said I wouldn't care if he was hit by a bus tomorrow.

I now look back and think what a looser this guy is and would have never been able to have a happy life with him, he was in debt upto his eyeballs, the sex was shit and he was defiantly ugly (what was I thinking) let alone ever think about buying a property with him or having children! I deff had a lucky escape.

I did feel like how many of you have and kept going back to what I knew had massive lows and felt very depressed. I went to a doctor and was prescribed antidepressants when he first left to work abroad and went to a therapy and these both helped me massively, I learnt what helped me (going to the gym) and like I said I put myself first and had a good time.

Its taken me 4 years to properly get back out there, I've had flings and brief relationships, but I always had my barriers up so never get hurt again like this looser did to me!

You will get there in the end, it may take time but put yourself first and do what's right for you.

“Not particularly” is a great response I’m glad you’ve got your life together and realised he wasn’t shit! Thanks for sharing

 

[hello479]

I've had the worst 6 weeks of my life and at times I've felt like I can't carry on but knowing I'm not alone has helped. Feel free to share as much as you feel comfortable with, don't ever be afraid to ask for advice or come just to vent.

I’m so grateful for all these responses! It’s really helpful to get advice beyond my friends and family that really cements it’s not ok for him to just up and leave, come back and do it again and think he can waltz back in when he’s sorted his head out (if he does that this time!). I feel like I should’ve been stronger the first time he did it to not take him back and this is perhaps just time to rip off the plaster. Doesn’t stop it hurting though, this defo wasn’t how I planned to spend life coming out of lockdown! @LateG0ssiper i hope things are slowly getting better for you

 

[Peakyblinders]

No - absolutely do not do that. By blocking you he has made it clear he doesn’t want to talk to you.

From my last heartbreak I learned that the still asking about each other’s lives just prolongs it. Cut them out, focus on yourself and keep your pride.

In a few years when you look back you’ll feel a lot better knowing you handled it like a boss, I promise you.

Yeah I’m not being funny but it’s easy for you to say that as you’re not in her position. She’s been blocked out the blue with no answers and not able to say anything she needs to say so I feel like if she needs to contact him to get things off her chest she should. I know it’s great having the idea of being a “boss” not contacting etc but sometimes it just isn’t that easy. Sometimes people need to say their last thing to be able to move on. Yes don’t get me wrong it would be great if we could all just leave it and not contact but it really isn’t easy. I went through something similar and it got to the point I didn’t want him back or even want him to reply I just needed to say what was on my mind.
All advice on this thread is useful but ultimately just do what YOU want to do and what will make your healing better.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Well to be fair he did ask to talk the other day but I was busy in A&E huffing on a nebuliser at the time so didn’t check my phone until he was already at work. He then suggested the weekend. I’m interested in what he could possibly have to say so I’m willing to listen and hopefully get some answers at the same time. I understand the things you’re saying but you are as you say, an outsider, so couldn’t possibly understand the dynamics of somebody’s else’s relationship.

I think on this thread in particular emotions are fraught. I know mine are. Comments won’t always be taken in the way they’re intended

No I agree, obviously I don’t know the intimate details of your relationship and that’s fair enough but I just see this crap happening time after time. Sometimes people’s behaviour is more telling than the words coming out of the mouth, that’s all I’m saying.

 

[Lovethesun]

That’s what I’m doing, driving myself crazy. Honestly over the past couple of weeks I’ve seen a horribly weak and needy side of myself. I cannot just let go!

Keep your pride hunni - my motto is never chase a man !! As much as you want too , don’t . If he wants to come back he will but don’t chase . The feelings unbearable I know I’ve been there , every day is another day closer to you feeling better I promise . And I looked at my weight loss from no appetite as a silver lining . Try & find positives I know it’s hard .

 

[Lollyy]

Yes you just have to ride the emotions out, trust i drove to the shops today and the sun made me burst into tears, feels like summer is coming & im all alone.. dont worry its shit. I wish men felt the same as us but i feel like they hack it soo much better

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Yeah oh course hun, great that you're at the point where you're free of him I do think you should block his number, block him on social media and don't let him take up another second of your time. Treat yourself to a new top or make up or whatever you're into and invest in building yourself back up again. He has drained you but now is your time You are amazing

Thank you lovely, I won't. I think the only reason he made my life hell was he saw I had moved on and I was happy, so he would just make fake profiles to make sure he was still making me feel crap with the stuff he would say, sitting there in the background thinking if he abused me enough I would just go back to him... honestly I could write a book on how bad it was, the things he would say and do, he would even contact my boyfriends family on SM. I have him blocked everywhere though it has never stopped him as he just makes new profiles... I have said all along the only way he would truly quit is when he met someone else and now it seems he has.. It's sad too because it really didn't have to be this way. Contacting me and doing that so close to my sisters anniversary doesn't surprise me but is has confirmed he is narc scum and not worth upsetting myself over anymore. He has been in the background affecting my mental health and trying to ruin relationships and friendships for long enough

Hey there.

I've been reading along because I went through the same thing back in April last year. I was dumped in a final way pretty much out the blue by my partner of 10 years and father of my youngest. He said it was over and that he had made up his mind and he wouldn't ever change it.

I was broken, didn't get out of bed. Ended up on medication (propranolol) and was signed off work for 5 weeks. I didn't see how I could continue living. It was about 10 weeks before I could function properly without crying through the day. Even then I still chased him, text him, slept with him and then broke all over again when he said nothing had changed again the next day and it was just sex to him.

The relationship was a rocky one from the start, he prioritised everything above me, and he stonewalled in response to any kind of conflict or me enforcing boundaries or asking for my needs to be met.... we'd end up not speaking for days /a week until I begged him to come back to me and he put all the blame of everything that had happened on me and I took it apologising a million times. He used to shout "do you really think this is what love is? " just because I'd asked to see him a bit more

Therapy made me see what had happened wasn't normal in a relationship and that we were connected by a trauma bond not an amazing 'soul mate once in a life time' thing like my fantasy view of the relationship was.

Once I started to pull myself together a bit about 4 months later, I lost lots of weight and started posting on my social media about enjoying life again, he came back.... He was going through something and I supported him wholly through it. We officially got back together, however if I asked for more (more time / more affection / more support), no matter how I asked for it he took it terribly and again stoned walled and it would turn into a huge thing that id end up taking the blame for again. I was beginning to see through what was happening but I still held on.

4 weeks ago its happened again. He did something quite disrespectful to me and I called him out on it. I usually wouldnt have (I knew what would happen) but I was high on pain medication from the hospital after an accident and he walked out without saying a word and I've not heard from him since apart from single line texts to pick up his son to which I've replied civilly. I've also had a really poorly parent during this time. We didn't know if theyd pull through at one point, he knew and still didn't bother to get in touch.

I'm not spending my days crying, perhaps just a bit at bedtime but I'm hurting inside. I feel like I'm done with the relationship now, finally. But knowing that in your head and knowing that in your heart are two separate things and my heart hasn't quite yet caught up. I spend my days wondering what it's going to feel like when he finds someone new etc.

I hope you don't mind me posting on here. I know I'm not completely broken this time and I'm so sorry for what you are all going through, I know how it feels. I just needed to write this down and get it out, I thought it might help a bit.

Ive refused to play the game this time and go creeping back with my tail between my legs saying sorry for having needs so we've just gone completely silent. I don't understand how anyone could treat another person like this...

Sorry to read this bellaboo and you are feeling this way. He sounds like a complete dickhead, pardon my french. But look at how far you have come and how much stronger you are now compared to when you first broke up. Time is a great healer and the more he lets you down the stronger you get, one day it just makes sense and you think to yourself, I genuinely don't deserve this! Some men have a way of turning it round so you are the problem, you want too much, ask for too much.. My ex would see me every few weeks for a few hours and think this was ok? He was teaching me how to be ok, on my own.. As soon as they see you happy, that you aren't running after them and they see your smile return - they come out of the wood work to bring you back down. Just you keep putting yourself and your son first, you don't need him and you will find someone who really does deserve you, not someone who just keeps upsetting you, wasting your time and making you feel like this. xo

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I've been reading along and sending to everyone who's going through it. It's fucking crap. I know breakups are always "for a reason" but there's no avoiding the hurt they cause.

It's pretty much four years to the day since my major break up. Together for 5.5 years. He was working away for a few months which would involve leaving on a Sunday, home on Thursday. I got very weird vibes the week of the breakup, and something didn't feel right for a few weeks before. He never really used social media but started following a few new people and was using his phone a lot. I brushed it off because you can't start accusing people for using their phone. He came home on a Thursday as normal and was off the whole time and after dinner, he turned around and said he didn't think we should be together anymore.

And honestly, it broke me. I was completely blindsided. Our relationship was good for the most part, it could have probably been improved in places but we were only in our mid-20s and still finding our feet. I spent another 2 months living with him until I sorted out buying my own place and it was hell. The way that someone can seemingly just turn their feelings off, like he did, has stayed with me all this time. Pro tip - if you're gonna break up with someone you live with, at least have an exit plan in place, lol.

A month after I moved out, he got with someone else (yes, it is always the person you're suspicious of). Ultimately I feel a bit sorry for him because he was extremely emotionally stunted and very immature in a lot of ways, and I'm sure his current girlfriend will be aware of that. He didn't really have any friends either. He got into a lot of credit card debt splashing out on lavish holidays and absolutely lives out of his means, which is surprising because he was never like that before. He changed into a different person. I don't speak to him any more, I don't want to and I've blocked him everywhere, but it took a long time to get to a point where I made peace with it all. It does get easier. Of course it does! But I empathise with anyone going through a breakup because it's bloody hard.

Thank you for sharing your story. That must have been awful to have to stay living together in that situation.

I know everyone says it gets easier but at the moment I genuinely feel like my life is over. He's my family and my best friend. I feel so alone and like my future has been taken from me. This probably sounds so pathetic but I really can't see it any other way.

 

[gigi_93]

Catching up on stories, sometimes I have to take a break because reading it triggers me but also helps?! It’s weird. Thank you to all who’ve shared their trauma

Sounds silly but I wish I had bad times to focus on, but there honestly wasn’t any bad times for us. As I’ve said, the distance kept everything fresh and new. It’s making everything so much harder. I miss him so much I feel like heavily self medicating

 

[Lalisa_mb]

I don’t think he will come back to me either, as I’ve said he’s very stubborn so even if he wants to, he won’t.

I don’t think he’s used the pandemic as an excuse, I think the pandemic is the reason itself. He got sick of waiting, although I’m not sure why he couldn’t wait a few more weeks since we’ve already waited a year. That’s crazy to me.

I made the mistake of reading the letter he wrote me on Christmas Day this morning. Full of promises about how distance will never ever split us up and how devoted he is to me. How can someone’s mind change so much in a few weeks?!

Actions vs words always

 

[Papparazzo]

If we had been married I’d have been exempt from the travel bans and could have travelled there freely, so I don’t think I would be in this mess now. But who knows, he may still have dumped me I suppose, but in my heart I don’t feel that he would have. He never gave me a chance to find out what’s going on in his head. Absolutely up for getting pissed in town though, I’d be there face down in a gutter right now if not for lockdown!!

Ahhh I see what you mean. I'm the same, instead I'm enduring sitting in the house thinking this is not how i wanted to respond to a break up! I need wine, a good mate to chat shit too and a busy bar!

 

[LaurieLaurie]

But if your relationship wasn’t strong enough to withstand covid travel bans when the two of you were having a long distance thing anyway and were used to having a relationship conducted over text messages and FaceTimes then it’s clear that it just wasn’t meant to be. He didn’t even try dude - he just ditched you and is merrily going along with his own life as he always has been as if it never happened. You can’t blame covid for this guy being a colossal prick.

I agree.

 

[Imonlyme]

Yes I'm putting the TV on now, I constantly have the TV or a podcast on as I can't bear the silence (he was very talkative!)

Envious that you have a dog, I've wanted one for ages, would be lovely to have the extra company.

Getting a dog for yourself is a great idea. You should definitely do it.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I feel like the last few comments on here at aimed at me and you.
I have not been abusive to anyone on this thread, neither have I said anything unsavoury.

 

[Millyve]

With respect, they really aren’t.

I’ve experienced long distance relationships in the past and I’m sorry but it’s nothing at all like having a proper real life every day relationship with a partner that you live with or see every day, that you share a home with, that you share the responsibility of finances with, that you juggle a life with kids, work, outside relationships etc with

it’s really not the same. I’m not trying to belittle how you fee or anything like that but I can see that you are completely invested in something that’s just not there.

are you able to respond to my other points? Did he ever make the same effort to come to the UK to see you? In what way exactly were you a step parent to his children?

I don't usually get involved but its a bit unfair to tell someone that they weren't in a real relationship, everyones relationship is different, some work some don't, we don't know the ins and outs of the relationship and what was preventing them from being with one another, from reading previous posts it sounds like if it wasn't for COVID things would have moved from being a long distant relationship.

@gigi_93 Please don't take someone else's comments saying you weren't in a real relationship to heart, I know its the last thing you want to hear right now

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you all, we’re back together... but I’m kinda expecting something bad to happen?

When you say you are back together, what has happened to resolve the situation?? Why did you split up and what’s changed to bring you back together??

 

[Longtimesnooper]

I was 18, naive, little confidence in myself, plain jane when a colleague took an interest in my. He was 7 years older than me & I guess gave me an ego boost, I'd only kissed one boy never mind had a boyfriend at this point in life. It just started off with a bit of flirting but he actually told another member of staff that he liked me, who then told me. Of course I was flattered, he invited me over to his to "watch a dvd" (the old Netflix & chill lol). What happened happened & he told me we should just stay friends, which I thought I was ok with. I text him later that night, no reply. He was funny with me the next day at work & when he finished his shift I saw him leave with a girl. A girl who was the year below me at school & a nasty piece of work. I literally felt my heartbreak at that moment, I realised I'd been used & the fact he picked that girl to be his actual girlfriend while I was just a shag hurt me & I questioned what kind of person I was. They didn't last long but sadly we kept hooking up & I kept getting hurt, I just didn't learn. Hes married now (short story, on a night out he told me that we should run away together & start fresh, I said no of course, was well over him by this time & a week later he was engaged), I'm engaged with a baby. He really did build my confidence & shattered it. I wish I could turn back time & give myself a shake but it was life lesson if nothing else.
I'd like to say he was the only waste of time heartbreak I had but no! The annoying thing is both these guys chased me, I had no interest to start with

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I’ve been reading a book on a night to get me off my phone (to stop the urge to stalk...) and the bloody main character has the same name as my ex

I used to stalk so much, then one day I think I just didn’t feel the urge to, but I always ended up doing it again. You know you might see something that’ll hurt but you still do it. Just remember whatever you see isn’t always a true representation of what’s really going on. I think when you see a picture or something it kills but it’s a bit like closure.

my ex is banging on about going on holiday with his new friend this Year etc, I only see it because of a mutual friends status. Part of me feels he says it knowing il see it, and wants a reaction or whatever but I won’t give him the satisfaction, he says stuff constantly I think more so for my benefit and I feel sorry for Her but she will soon see his true colours. Part of me wonders why I ever let someone hurt me so much, affect my life so much and what I ever saw in him.

 

[Lollyy]

I think the variety of opinions are welcomed, it hurts soo much and in between the tears and pains i think the ‘harsh’ things myself. Relationships breaking up is shi* this is my first experience having been in a relationship for 11 years (since i was teenager) & where we still love eachother it makes it tremendously hard. Thanks for everyones views.