Heartbreak.

[LateG0ssiper]

I know exactly how you feel with this - everyone seems to be out with their partners and I’m just there walking with the dog could you maybe watch a good film or have a bath tonight? I’m finding trash tv a great distraction at the moment and really trying to focus on self care, even though it is really really tough

Yes I'm putting the TV on now, I constantly have the TV or a podcast on as I can't bear the silence (he was very talkative!)

Envious that you have a dog, I've wanted one for ages, would be lovely to have the extra company.

 

[ClockworkDolly]

I don’t think he will come back to me either, as I’ve said he’s very stubborn so even if he wants to, he won’t.

I don’t think he’s used the pandemic as an excuse, I think the pandemic is the reason itself. He got sick of waiting, although I’m not sure why he couldn’t wait a few more weeks since we’ve already waited a year. That’s crazy to me.

I made the mistake of reading the letter he wrote me on Christmas Day this morning. Full of promises about how distance will never ever split us up and how devoted he is to me. How can someone’s mind change so much in a few weeks?!

Put the letter away in a box and hide it in a safe place. One day you’ll have the emotional strength to read it again and you will be reading it with a different mindset.

As heartbreaking as this is for you, I think you now have to start trying to heal your broken heart. Gosh it’s not easy, I’ve been there many times and now in my mid-fifties, I’m glad I’ve made the decision not to have any more relationships. But, I’m guessing you’re much younger and you have your life to live and new relationships are out there waiting for you.

Break-ups are not just something you can “get over” in a heartbeat, unless you’re made of stone.

My last relationship was a disaster from the off, but I was with him for 5 years. It took me a long time to get him out of my head and heart and he was, by and large, a horrible man to be with.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that one day he will find himself a backbone and have the decency to tell you why he broke your relationship in two.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

Catching up on stories, sometimes I have to take a break because reading it triggers me but also helps?! It’s weird. Thank you to all who’ve shared their trauma

Sounds silly but I wish I had bad times to focus on, but there honestly wasn’t any bad times for us. As I’ve said, the distance kept everything fresh and new. It’s making everything so much harder. I miss him so much I feel like heavily self medicating

I feel the same. If he'd cheated and I'd kicked him out or something I think I'd be coping better but the fact that I thought everything was perfect is making it even harder. I'm still in shock. The last couple of days have been some of the worst, I have cried so much and I feel horrendous. I'm absolutely exhausted.

 

[Lovethesun]

I’m not adverse to a bit of tough love but I won’t listen to anyone saying my relationship wasn’t real because it was long distance!

Also to anyone who cares, we texted for a few hours last night. He just caught me up on the kids and their schooling and a few other things. I don’t really know why he’s chosen now to contact me and there’s obviously a huge elephant in the room that nobody has addressed yet

Not posted on here for a while , hope everyone’s doing ok

weird isn’t it why he’s messaged now but not addressing the split issue ? Least it’s nice to catch up & I'm sure you get comfort chatting through text with him I know I would . My heart would skip a beat I think .

my ex is currently trying his hardest to get me back , I was pleased at first but now I’m actually questioning if I do want him back I don’t think I do .

I was getting over him & in a really good place so I don’t want to feel how I did again . I’m so torn between did he realise he’d made a genuine mistake or is he just testing the waters to see if I’ll have him back or like someone else said he doesn’t want anyone else to have me ? I make such bad decisions aswell . But I really don’t think I love him anymore - then he makes me feel guilty for not having him back when he caused the split !! Bloody men

 

[gigi_93]

I’m not defending his behaviour though? I never have. I’m talking about when we were IN the relationship. I don’t have any crazy ideas that we’re getting back together.

 

[Columbo]

@CrazyGiraffeLady my heart goes out to you lovely, I can tell you're hurting I know it's not easy when children are involved but I think you need more time. I know you've agreed to give things another try but you're within your rights to ask him to leave until you've processed things. I think you need to make him sweat and realise he isn't going to get away that lightly. He needs to know what it's like to live without you as that was the risk he took when he stepped outside your marriage and I think it will do you a lot of good as well. It's not too late to backtrack a little if it helps you heal. Hope you're ok and things work out for you xx

 

[blondelolita]

Sending lots of healing vibes to you all. I can’t imagine how difficult heartbreak must be in lockdown, it’s hard enough in regular circumstances; youre all doing so well, even if it doesn’t feel like it just yet.

 

[gigi_93]

Yes I'm waiting around but I have nothing else to do. I'm not going anywhere. I want to stay in this house if I can, I love it here. If he decides in 6 months time that he wants to come back I'd let him. I'm certainly not going to be looking for another relationship after being with him for so long. It's not a matter of moving on for me, it's a case of learning to cope with my new life for the time being. I can't move on just like that after 13 years when I know that the person I love isn't well. I know that everyone will tell me I need to move on but it's only been 6/7 weeks since I've had the biggest shock of my life and I'm still processing it.

Do what feels right for you. Not what feels right for a stranger on the internet. If you end up making mistakes you will learn from them

 

[Imonlyme]

Shame none of those things are possible just now, COVID really is making everything harder! I used to read a lot and I did think that would be the one positive here, more time for reading, but I can't focus on it just yet. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll get into reading again. Thank you for your input so far, it's nice to have more people's perspectives and experiences x

I couldn't focus on reading books when I was going through the worst of it too. Get a Netflix series on and try that, or mindlessly scroll through the Internet... Whatever works for you.

In the end nothing worked for me until (and I know this isn't universally approved) I found shit loads of Internet people saying they don't come back to you when you're all sad and moping they come back when they see you're happy again and have started to move on.

So I put every last effort into making my social media into a brilliant display of 'I've moved on and I'm happy' worked a treat, he was all over it and made contact after a few weeks of that.

Eta - that's if you want him to come back!
[/QUOTE]
I've never really used social media to show I've moved on, but I will say there is an element of truth to what you said about them coming back once you're back on your feet. Every single guy I've been out with, including ones I've dumped and ones that have dumped me have all came back eventually, begging for another chance.

Like I've said before, my ex was a complete arsehole and I finally ended our relationship 6 years ago. But he has never once moved on, even for a quick fling. I know because we had the same circle of friends, my best friend was married to his best friend. He's still to this day trying to win me back. He's a completely changed guy to the one he was before and we've spoken many times, but I will never take him back.

Once you get to a stage of feeling better, you often wonder if you actually want to get back together. I know I wondered it many times, but I just know for a fact now that I don't.

I've read somewhere before that the more times you forgive a guy, the more he will come to like you, but the day he loves you most is the day you will feel nothing for him and I can say this is true for me. I forgave my ex everytime he broke my heart and now I feel nothing for him. While he says that he doesn't want to ever be with anyone else and if he can't be with me then he will stay single, and so far he has.

Heartbreak changes you, it sort of tears you down and you're forced to rebuild yourself. But once you do, you're not the same person you were before and I think that's why a lot of us end up not wanting to get back with our ex's once they come crawling back. For me, it would be far too difficult to trust that he wouldn't break me again. I've been through it and a relationship with him, or anyone is not worth losing myself for again.

The one good thing that came from my ex begging for another chance was that it provided me with the closure and explanation I needed to heal because he was willing to answer anything I needed to know.

I hope everyone on this thread who's currently going through it gets their peace and the outcome they truly want.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

Thanks all We’ve had a bumpy past few months (him packing and leaving - taking me by total surprise) saying he no longer wanted the same things (kids, big house etc) but after 3 weeks and lots of talking came back. He had another wobble in February but didn’t actually leave, and today I suspected he had packed some things. He said he was only thinking about it and if I hadn’t confronted him he wouldn’t have left! We are having very minimal chat at the moment, mostly agreeing what we do with the house and our dog, but I feel like he’s yet again made a rash decision and will be back begging forgiveness for his bad judgement soon. He was really weird about me asking him to cancel our summer holiday which makes me think he sees this as a reversible thing? It’s such a headf*ck


Thank you so much - much as it’s obvious awful for you and I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone, it’s really comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this x

I've had the worst 6 weeks of my life and at times I've felt like I can't carry on but knowing I'm not alone has helped. Feel free to share as much as you feel comfortable with, don't ever be afraid to ask for advice or come just to vent.

 

[Imonlyme]

I don’t think anyone was implying your were an infatuated teenager?

lots of us as adults have had relationships breakdowns and have had the burden of sorting out the practicalities that come with that such as finances/kids/property etc - with the upmost respect, you are not the only person to ever go through this.

its shit. It really is. And it hurts and it’s a scary, unsettling thing to go through but you have to get that fire in your belly and start focusing on you - not him. There’s too many great women - here and generally speaking - just putting all the power & control in the hands of men who have done them wrong/walked out/bailed - stop. Be selfish; look after yourself and start moving forward for you. You can’t go on allowing yourself to be at the mercy of any man - husband/boyfriend/live in lover - whoever.

(I am trying to be kind here before I get absolutely jumped on for this comment!!!)

100% agree with what you said about finding that fire within yourself to look out for number 1.

Obviously everyone needs time to cry it out and get somewhat past the initial shock of being left so abruptly. But once even the tiniest bit of the storm has passed, you need to focus solely on yourself.

 

[gigi_93]

Yes I explained exactly how he made me feel and told him exactly what I’ve gone through the last couple of months. I talked a lot more than he did. I’m not waiting for him, not sure where I gave that impression. If anything the ball is in my court now.

 

[gigi_93]

Honestly why are you even here if you’re just going to insult and belittle her relationship? It’s not helpful and you’re kicking the girl when she’s down which is absolutely horrible to do. It was real and valid to her and that’s all that matters. I’ve lived with an ex before and it was the worst relationship of my life, my partner and I are in a LDR and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. In my line of work it’s common for couples to live in different countries for long periods of time.

Thank you, it’s ok though really. Nothing would ever make me question how real my relationship was and how much love was there.

 

[under the ivy]

I’ve been reading a book on a night to get me off my phone (to stop the urge to stalk...) and the bloody main character has the same name as my ex

 

[gigi_93]

Really sorry you're going through this right now. It seems odd he gave up so easily and seemed to snap and dumped you. Is there any possibility that he's entertaining another/other women all this time? He could get away with a lot so far away. It could also be bad stress and he's realised the difficulties of a long distance relationship during Covid, but no excuse - he could have been more patient. Especially when partners of military and other workers go months without seeing their partner and this day and age with Zoom and other social media. If he's gonna fly off the handle like this and snap and dump you when you're making effort to see him, maybe you need to question if he is worth your time to behave like this. Lockdown and restrictions have been tough on everyone including you, not only him.

I did wonder if he had met someone else, I outright asked him and he said no, he’s just emotionally at his wit’s end. I do believe him because despite what is happening I don’t think he’s a liar. Plus there’s been no gaps in our communication (we FaceTime every night) and he works 50-60 hour weeks and has shared custody of his kids. I’m thinking maybe he’s just stressed but I honestly don’t know.

You’re right that he could have been more patient. I was, so I don’t know why he can’t be. It’s so hard to see him in a bad light for some reason :/

 

[Platformcrocs]

No, I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost 3 weeks now and I was scared to bring it up when I saw him, it felt like it was too soon. I agreed to only contact him about anything urgent while he was starting therapy so I'm trying to honour that. I know it's a conversation we'll have to have at some point but having had some financial advice it's not looking good for me. I have very little in the way of family and friends and to be honest I'm terrified.

I think it's time to have a proper discussion with him. He can't keep holding all the cards. It's not right. Sometimes no contact is the right thing to do if you're in a relationship where you don't live together (and a clean break), but you are married and have financial ties to him. He's dragging this out and it's really unfair on you to be left in limbo.

There’s too many great women - here and generally speaking - just putting all the power & control in the hands of men who have done them wrong/walked out/bailed - stop. Be selfish; look after yourself and start moving forward for you. You can’t go on allowing yourself to be at the mercy of any man - husband/boyfriend/live in lover - whoever.

Yep. I think all of us have made the same mistake in the past. I carried on living with an ex for a few months after we split (usual worries - money and selling the house) but the reality was, he had no intention of sorting out the house and buried his head in the sand. I moved out in the end. I had to live with a flatmate for a few months and it was tough but I couldn't carry on as I was. You have to take control of the situation. It set me back so much and I wish I packed up sooner. Live and learn, I suppose.

 

[gigi_93]

I'm glad others are finding this helpful. Thank your for starting it @gigi_93 but I am so sorry that others are hurting so much. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

I’m happy I started it, if it’s even helped one person feel a little better to have a place to vent. I encourage people to keep on venting! Lots of sad stories but also lots of proof things do get better.

 

[Miss98]

I did wonder if he had met someone else, I outright asked him and he said no, he’s just emotionally at his wit’s end. I do believe him because despite what is happening I don’t think he’s a liar. Plus there’s been no gaps in our communication (we FaceTime every night) and he works 50-60 hour weeks and has shared custody of his kids. I’m thinking maybe he’s just stressed but I honestly don’t know.

You’re right that he could have been more patient. I was, so I don’t know why he can’t be. It’s so hard to see him in a bad light for some reason :/

In that case it could well be just stress and no women are involved, just the way he cut you off like that was strange and very ubrupt seeming. It's quite likely he'll come running back in a relationship sense at some point, especially if one of his children keep asking about you and the more time he has without you and to think he may regret how he went about things. I feel for you as he lives very far away so you must probably still be worrying and wondering what he's upto. I think he's been quite selfish about this and to give you no real answers but still is video calling you like nothing happened and speaking a lot to you is probably confusing you isn't it? Perhaps deep down he regrets the way he acted but because the lockdown's still going on and all the stress he's under with it he hasn't spoke much on it yet. I definitely wouldn't keep your life on hold though for him after behaving like that after 4 years.

 

[Cocoflowers]

Sending all the love in the world with everyone that's going through this

Last year my ex and broke up after on and off relationship for the past 8 years but known him 13 years he has cut me of his life multiple times as friend, as a girlfriend and a fiancee, it doesn't get any easier getting ghosted by him he hasnt contacted me since we broke up. Its been really hard, he didn't block me or anything just hasn't spoken to me ive tried everything again. I even had his mum wish me a merry Christmas like what the hell can't talk to your son why he has ghosted me but u can wish me a merry Christmas so i decided to block her on social media like who does that!!

Anyway I've seen the light out of the tunnel in the last few months and we all deserve better than our ex's!

It will take awhile to get used to but take things day by day and focus on yourself

 

[gigi_93]

With respect, they really aren’t.

I’ve experienced long distance relationships in the past and I’m sorry but it’s nothing at all like having a proper real life every day relationship with a partner that you live with or see every day, that you share a home with, that you share the responsibility of finances with, that you juggle a life with kids, work, outside relationships etc with

it’s really not the same. I’m not trying to belittle how you fee or anything like that but I can see that you are completely invested in something that’s just not there.

are you able to respond to my other points? Did he ever make the same effort to come to the UK to see you? In what way exactly were you a step parent to his children?

Yes, he came here once. Its difficult because he has joint custody of his kids and works long hours and for the last 2 years has been in job training. So rather than him come here for a week which seems pointless for an 8 hour flight, I’d go there for up to 3 months at a time. Step parent because I spent a lot of time with them, looking after them when needed while he worked, going to their school events, helping them with their homework. I’m very close with his daughter particularly.

Long distance relationships are very real. Possibly even more real because a lot of effort goes into them. I don’t want to get into an argument and I don’t need to justify my very real relationship so I’m leaving it there.