Heartbreak.

[gigi_93]

I'm dragging myself into work just so I'm not home alone. Still can't get through the day without crying though and still not really sleeping. Let me know if you do ever fancy it.

Same, if I don’t “break the rules” and go to my friend’s house I just spend the day crying and overthinking. Also not sleeping or eating. It’s absolutely shit isn’t it?? I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful. It really is all new to me, I’ve never felt this kind of pain and hurt before :/

 

[bodycheckedout]

I was trying to keep things as normal as possible for my young child x

the way you let yourself be treated sets the tone for how your child will allow themselves to be treated and treat others. my mom never left my dad and I regret it because there is no baseline for a good relationship in my eyes. If you can't do it for yourself because of love and other real-life complications that make you feel like it's not worth it - consider doing it for your child. Regardless of how your partner is as a parent, they are equally obligated to be a good partner so that your child has the best surroundings to help them grow into a self-respecting and confident adult.

 

[Barbie2020]

Don’t message him. He was just wanting an ear to listen to his shite. Ignore it. Put your phone away and go out, get some fresh air, go stretch your legs.

This It’s always the same story! They work their way back in and then leave you AGAIN! I’ve been in the on off situation and I was treated like shit and it messed me up!

@Lollyy you’ve done so well to go NC for that long I suggest you carry on. My ex did the same to me even though he left me and I went running back. He left me a second time and the heart ache was the same all over again. He said he was suicidal and was begging me to meet up with him when he knew I was seeing someone else a year and half later! Thank god I saw sense that time.

Was he bothered about your feelings when he dumped you? I doubt it so carry on NC and move on to bigger and better things. Easier said than done but you’ll save yourself more heartache

 

[LateG0ssiper]

Just checking in, hope you’re ok @LateG0ssiper

Thank you, really appreciate that. The rest of the week hasn't been so bad, maybe because we've been in touch regularly over getting some works on the house sorted. I haven't been publicly embarrassing myself like the other night on the train All contact has been friendly enough but it still feels like he's not himself, I can't quite put my finger on it but something is different. I think in a couple of weeks I'd like to have a proper talk with him again. I'm just surviving for now, you know?

How are you getting on?

 

[OutrageouslyScarlet]

My reason for not liking/responding to any posts is that my husband ended up taking his own life 3 weeks ago. I felt that I should update everyone as some of you have been so lovely and supportive - special thanks and love to @Eyerollbrainache and @gigi_93 - I hope you are doing better.

Those of you who were quick to be dismissive of the "excuses" I was making about his mental health (you know who you are but I won't name names at this point), I hope that you will take mental health issues more seriously in the future as this is the worst thing I could ever imagine anyone ever going through. I know my husband very well and knew tat something wasn't right with him, as I kept saying. If anyone ever gets that feeling about someone, please step in and try to help however possible.

I'm sure you will all understand that I won't be coming on the site again but I felt that I should thank those who supported me when he left, your words did provide some comfort at the time. My life will never be the same again but I am seeking help to get through this. I wish everyone going through heartbreak well x

I’m sorry to hear this. It’s something I’ve lived through (in my family) look after yourself. Anytime you need to talk

 

[Lollyy]

Yes my partner of 8 yesrs went batshit at me on the phone, i drove 30 miles to see him and he didnt come out his house. He lives with his mum and she was going crazy calling me pyscho - i waited in the car didnt even go to the front door. I know its silly behaviour i jist felt comfort being outside his house. Hes told me theres no going back. I hope he comes back soo badly

 

[no-no]

I was with my ex for 7 years from the age of 20. House, car, holidays, the whole thing. Thought we'd get married and have kids. Was really happy, rarely argued. Seemed a little off for a few weeks but blamed it on being busy at work which made sense for time of the year and industry he worked, but then he seemed himself again. Then one day out of the blue he just told me he was done. He didn't think our relationship was going anywhere and he didn't want to be with me anymore although he loved me. He had spoken about us starting a family and how it would work alongside our careers etc literally a few days before. Told me he was really excited to start a family.

So obviously I was completely blindsided. Heartbroken. Couldn't make sense of it all. No one saw it coming, his family and friends could not believe it. In fact I was the one that had to tell people because weeks had gone by and he hadn't told anyone. I thought he might have been having a breakdown, searched for any excuse as to why. Though in a couple of weeks he'd change his mind.

But no, he completely cut me off. Gave me 3 days to pack my things and leave, blocked my number, social media. I thought I'd done something for him to be so cold. I packed and I left, obviously there were a few lingering bits that needed to be sorted for a few weeks after.

About a month later I realised I'd left my passport in his cabinet so I organised through his parents to pop and get it and they let me in. There on top of his cabinet was a valentine's day card from his work colleague. The message in it, because obviously I looked, suggested something had been going on for a while. So that gave me some closure. He bare faced looked me in the eye and told me there was no one else. Liar.

So I think in hindsight, he met her at work, decided he wanted to jump ship, kept me strung along until he knew for certain it was a sure thing with her and then dropped me like the last 7 years meant fuck all. I've never seen or spoken to him since but through mutual friends I've heard he moved her in a few weeks after I left, became step-dad to her daughter, got engaged and had a kid together within the year. Still together as far as I know. So to say that left me with trust issues is an understatement. For a long I tried to understand why or how he could just drop me like that or why I wasn't good enough. They are answers you'll never know.

Fast forward several years and now I've been with my current partner 5 years and we're getting married in a couple of years. Life goes on. You move through it and you find happiness. I never thought I would at the time. I thought I'd never get over it. Granted its left me unable to trust anyone completely and I'm always waiting for it to happen again. The only thing I miss is having the money. He was incredibly successful and were very financially comfortable. But at least now everything I have is mine.

Funnily enough I've seen the same scenario play out with many people and there is ALWAYS someone else. Call it sexist, but i truly believe men do not leave long term relationships unless they have someone else ready to go. I'm yet to be proved wrong although there will be exceptions.

That sounds so traumatic. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. I agree with the last part, too. Very few are complex enough to have a profound reason to leave a stable relationship and not discuss why. It took me a long time to realise that was a total lack of respect you can’t return from and a scab that should not be picked.

If there isn’t another woman to hook up with and everything else was okay, I think most of those men then fall into the category of emotionally investing in someone else. It could be a colleague with no reciprocation but they start thinking the grass is greener and just want out. The litmus test is to move on and see if they try to worm their way back in like they’ve had an epiphany, they’re always willing to talk then

 

[Imonlyme]

Oh no I blame him 100% it was all him and not me. I think it was a week or so

A week is such a short space of time, especially after discovering something as awful as your partner cheating. You probably would have still been in shock with both your heart and mind left reeling from it all.

It's perfectly okay if now, a few months down the line you're not so sure if you done the right thing by taking him back.

Did he beg for another chance? Personally, I think he should have been made sweat for bit after what he done. It sounds like he's gotten away with it a little too easy without having to actually realise how much he's messed up, or what's even at stake because of his selfish actions.

Be careful. After how easy he's had it and how quickly you decided to give him another chance, he may do it again because he will assume you will forgive him just as easy. I know you've said this is his last chance, but he may not see it that way because it's not like he had to work hard to win you back.

I'm not saying you are, but a guy might just look at it as you're a pushover which means he can do what he wants. He lost nothing from his selfish actions, but he did get to have some cheeky fun with his bit on the side and now he's still living it up with his wife and kids in the family home probably feeling like the king he thinks he is.

Sometimes, people need to lose something before they realise what it meant to them. He needs to see that you will not tolerate his betrayal. That cheating is absolutely not okay.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

Yeah we talked on the phone yesterday. For 4 hours! He was quite upfront and honest and didn’t give me any bullshit about wanting to be friends which I’m glad about. He mostly explained his mental state and why he felt like he had to end it. I had no idea things were so bad for him, although he seems a little better now. He’s having therapy provided by his job. He also told me he still loves me, there has never been anyone else and he wants me in his life, but both of us are equally unsure what to do since the world is still a mess and I still cannot simply just go there.

I didn’t want to just jump back in and get back together in one phone call, so we aren’t back together or anything. We just sort of agreed to keep talking until he’s finished all his exams and see where we are then. I’m happy to finally know what was going on in his head at least. I wish it was as simple as just giving it another go but with how everything still is, it just isn’t. And that makes me so sad. Mixed emotions :/

Thanks to anyone who has followed along with my little saga. I hope everyone is doing ok

I'm glad you've spoken and I hope it's made you feel better in some way, although things still sound quite up in the air.

I've had some brief contact, just a couple of messages about arrangements for some works to the house taking place next week. After nothing for a few weeks it actually made me feel worse to get those few messages. I feel like I don't know him anymore. He's not himself at all, it's like the words are coming from someone else. I was left feeling even more anxious and was very upset on Saturday. I don't know if maybe it started to hit me that this really could be over for good. I'm not sure what I'm feeling to be honest but I'm still feeling awful. My hands are trembling as I'm typing this. I can't tell you how much I'm missing him, I feel like I've made no progress at all.

 

[Platformcrocs]

I started reading this thread last night and just thought I’d add my two cents in, @LateG0ssiper i notice you don’t like/react or reply to any comments regarding your situation which probably means you want to ignore what’s really happening with your husband but makes me think of my parents.
My dad walked out on my mum nearly 4 years ago with absolutely no reason or signs it was coming just packed a bag and left, didn’t say he wanted a divorce and told me and everyone else he just needed some space. He moved in with his best mate (divorced, lives alone) and completely cut all contact with my mum and told me he was depressed and needed some time alone, the whole time my mum cried to anyone she spoke to that she ‘needed him’ and ‘can’t throw 20+ years of marriage away’ and ‘mabye he’s just going through something and will come back’. 8 months down the line it came out that he had been having an affair on and off for years, no-one knew, not even my dads best mate he was living with! And the worst part of it all my mum wouldn’t accept it, it was a ‘midlife crisis’ and she would have gladly taken him back, I felt so bad for her but also found it really embarrassing she wouldn’t accept it was over. In the end she reluctantly filed for divorce (he never did, dragged his feet the whole time!) and she nearly called it off numerous times because she was so sure he would come back and it would be a ‘blip’ in the marriage. Now fast forward a few years my dad is still with the woman and my mum is on her own, finally accepts that the marriage is completely over and is doing a lot better and doing things for herself, it really was awful seeing her desperately trying to cling onto the marriage and make excuse and excuse for him and losing all her self respect and confidence.
I’m just saying don’t hold out for this happy ending that may never happen because you’ve been with him so many years, if he was to ask you for a divorce would you accept it or would you make excuses for him and try and blame it on lockdown/mental health? If you were to ask for a divorce and he was to agree would you finally accept that the marriage is over? Don't waste months waiting for him to make the first move, that’s what my mum did just because she couldn’t face reality and she wasted nearly a year hoping that it would sort itself out

That's so upsetting to read. I hope your mum is doing better now. I'll never understand how people can do this to their partners. It seems like a lot of people just can't be honest and communicate anymore.

 

[Papparazzo]

Thank you. I feel a pressure to be a “strong girl” and just forget about him and not even entertain him when he texts me but the reality just isn’t like that. Of course I’m going to talk to him if it leads to me getting an explanation and being able to find out how the kids are. Blocking him myself and walking away would be great but how many people actually do that??



This is a really nice story! Apart from the heartbreak obviously but you had to go through that to make it to where you are now. I’d like it to work out with us, if I’m honest. But I’m not getting my hopes up because I know reality is harsh.

Being 'strong' isn't telling an ex to do one, it's having convictions in your own actions that you have made the right choice for YOU. Do what feels best for you. If he had repeatedly done this to you I would say different, however life is strange and people do make mistakes.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I don't usually get involved but its a bit unfair to tell someone that they weren't in a real relationship, everyones relationship is different, some work some don't, we don't know the ins and outs of the relationship and what was preventing them from being with one another, from reading previous posts it sounds like if it wasn't for COVID things would have moved from being a long distant relationship.

@gigi_93 Please don't take someone else's comments saying you weren't in a real relationship to heart, I know its the last thing you want to hear right now

They were involved for 4 YEARS and he came to see her in the UK on 1 occasion. Once. In 4 years. If they were really serious, one of them would have moved to be with the other. They would have set up a life TOGETHER in the same place.

COVID is just a very convenient excuse here. If he genuinely loved her & genuinely wanted to be with her, build a life with her - he would have done.

I can tell you this for nothing. When it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. You would move mountains to be with the one you love. It’s as simple as that. And the fact that he’s ditched her in that way, with no hesitation, well, the guy is an arsehole.

Im on her side, this isn’t a dig at her at all, but sometimes you’ve got to just wake up and see what’s actually happening - not what you wish was happening.

 

[Imonlyme]

My husband has left our home out of the blue. I'm beside myself. I don't know what to do. I don't really have any other family. I can't go to work. I can't sleep or eat. I am terrified of losing my home. We had planned the rest of our lives together. I can't bear him not being here, not holding his hand and hugging every day. It's all I've known for years and years. I don't think I can get through this.

My ex used to do this a lot and it is truly soul crushing. Sending you lots of love . I know it's hard right now and probably all you can do is think about him and question what went wrong for him to just leave so suddenly. My advice is to let yourself cry over it for a short time. Let it all out and then dry your eyes and focus on you. What do you need right now?(besides him) Have a bath, put some uplifting feel good music on, call a friend. Anything, just do something that's 100 % for you and about you. No doubt he will eventually contact you and then hopefully you can get some answers. For now, you just have to take it one step at a time.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I can honestly say I don’t think my husband left for another woman, I think he left because he can’t work out what he wants in life and won’t take responsibility for anything as an adult! But yeah I feel pretty annoyed he’s gone back to his parents to have his washing done for him and meals cooked (we did things 50-50, I def didn’t do it all for him!). I just feel scared about the future, we were discussing trying for a family in the next year or so and that all feels very very far away now with starting afresh x

Same, mine definitely hasn't left for anyone else and is staying with his parents. His mum would know and would have told me. I've ended up really upset again just now after doing better for the last few days, I thought I'd better get out for a walk and being out on a lovely day in our area without him has made me feel so sad for everything we usually do together. Everyone I walked past seemed to be a couple. I'm back in bed now with the curtains closed on a beautiful sunny day. It feels so wrong.

 

[TeaAndYoutube]

I went through a breakup years ago and still remember that pain. I went to work, came home, and then spent the rest of the night watching every terrible B movie on Netflix to distract myself (helpful to avoid any romantic comedies for a while). Or I'd pick a random international movie and not turn on English subtitles. I'd have my living room filled with French, German, Hindi, Korean, etc languages and distract myself by trying to guess what was going on by everyone's body language.

Hugs to you all. I know it's tough but try to focus on yourself when you're ready and able to. It will take time but I promise you will get through it

 

[Scorpihoe]

I have met his family & he is more like western in his views and not shy to tell his family things. But agree i dont know what conversation happens at home, behind closed doors. I did cry on the phone to his sisters & they were really sad. But didnt offer any alternative. I understand its hard for them being muslism.. I did try and he muslim a number of times but it wasnt for me & hes inability to compromise put me off, along with his changing views made me nervous about my reality in 3/4/10 years time. Thank you for sharing your stories. Hopefully he doesnt find this chat as he will know its about him straifht away


He was reallly western. We went clubbing, drinking everything together then about 3 years ago, that all changed and he started praying etc.. & i tried to convert and lived a lie for a bit but couldnt continue with it as i felt it wasnt me.

I understand, it is really hard especially when you said the rest of the relationship is great. You make a good point that if he changed so drastically (from clubbing, drinking etc), to the religious guy who prays now, who could he be in 5/10 years? I do find it quite odd that he used to drink, but when you tried to be Muslim and said you drank he got upset? It seems a little hypocritical

Whatever the case I wish you good luck lolly x

 

[Jovie]

Have you got any advice on how to get through it? I'm finding it so hard. I'm messing up at work. I'm either leaving early because I can't cope or staying late because I can't face going home and being there alone with all our stuff that we chose together. Weekends are the worst because the days just seem so long.
[/QUOTE]

When we first broke up I packed everything we had of 'ours' photos etc, and put them in a box and put them away where I wouldn't be tempted to look through them. Baring in mind I did this whilst sobbing my eyes out and lots of wine (and on a Friday might I add) then in the morning I changed my routine and tried my hardest not to slob around. I went out and bought loads of nice girly things for my home and filled photo frames with family and friends.
Speaking to myself helped a lot too. If I thought of something that made me sad I would speak aloud like 'I'm okay, this is only short term' and things like that. Dont get me wrong I had to get rid of songs on my phone that would make me sad and took all photos from my phone and put them on a memory card. One step at a time I did this. Everyone always tries to rush healing over a break up but I don't think you truly get over it sometimes, you just come to accept.

 

[Imonlyme]

If you hadn’t checked his phone, he would have carried on. It wasn’t a drunken fumble or one off mistake, it was deliberate infidelity and deceit. You’ve taken him back and honestly, if he’s done it once and you’ve essentially forgiven him and taken him back he will do it to you again.

Agree! By forgiving a cheater and taking him back, you're essentially setting the tone on how you expect to be treated and what you will accept going forward. It's not a good foundation for a relationship that's supposed to be founded on trust and respect.

Personally, and through experiences I've watched with people close to me, a relationship can never truly come back from an affair. Trust is broken and feelings have been shattered. Sometimes trying to repair a situation like that can cause more mental and emotional damage than the cheating itself.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I’m not chasing him by any means. I’ll reply when he texts because I’m not petty but he has to tell me his intentions eventually. He’s insane if he thinks I’ll ever just be his friend how are you doing today?

I'm not doing well at all to be honest. I've been feeling really unwell, I think it's just the stress and exhaustion catching up with me. I was really shaky on my way home last night. Dreading work today and dreading the weekend again. Still haven't heard from him, almost two weeks now with nothing. I'm really struggling to come to terms with this.

 

[hello479]

Had an awful nights sleep last night - I just keep replaying conversations in my head. I think the hardest part is letting go of the future I thought I was going to have with him and realising he’s not the man I thought he was.
How is everyone else today?