No no you're not hearing them. That's precisely the issue. You need to be thinking about them at all times. Toothpicks should be your new revolutionized way of life!!
Can't know for sure obviously and it's hard to explain why but it sounds like it was written by someone whose first language is German. The "who can talk for hours on..." sounds like it would work better as a German Relativsatz ("der stundenlang über... reden könnte") and small things like their use of the present continous and "chewing gums". Plus the American spelling makes me think it's not Folkert. But maybe he was trying to be international. Maybe it was collaborative, who knows! Although I am sure the other guys are just as cringeworthy and smug as him.
if i didn't know folkert and his scam uni gang were behind this i'd assume it was satire lmao