Hi guys and welcome to the vlog. Today I'm going to drive Abbie to school. You have seen us do this a million times, but you're still watching. We're going to take the truck so I don't have to strap her into the ridiculous racing harness. OK Abbie we're ready to go say bye to Mommy, no waving bye it's not good enough let your mom smother you so people think that she likes you. Abbie you take that blanket off your head people are watching you and don't want to look at my ugly face while I talk about random things driving you to school, we're late again LMAO. OK Abbie enjoy school learn a lot like you always do. I got to go help my dad again, his car is stuck in Georgia so I'm going to be gone most of the day trying to get there, but before I do I must go to Dunkin and get some coffee, I'm going to bring it back to my wife because I love her so much. My tooth is hurting me so I'm not going to ask for extra sugar. I'm like a freaking tow truck driver, always helping with my dad's car. Maybe I should take my golf cart to help him this time. Oh look Nala, she's so freaking cute, we put her in the vlogs because most people like the cat more than us at this point. Anyway when I was ordering our coffee, another fan came up to me or told me what an inspiration I was to them, I didn't video that because they didn't consent to it. LMAO. Well since I'm home I'm going to do some work, I'm so busy, dad's going to have to call AAA this time. I got to do some laundry. But before I do I got to go pick up Abbie. Well this day went fast, I didn't even get to eat, must have a lunch date with my beautiful wife first. She doesn't cook anything unless it's sponsored. I still don't understand why she has a cooking channel. LMAO. Well that lunch was great, thank you for Cilla for ordering me my lunch you do so much work. Now go on to your live, people need to know about the new makeup. Don't act smart or anything, say a lot of stupid stuff, and for the love of God don't make any stupid movement otherwise people will make gifs and memes about you. Wait there's something I have to do I forgot what it was, oh yeah that's right I forgot I have to pick up sweet girl. Tonight we're doing some table tasks. Oh I forgot you my lecture, Abbie is walking to the car, it took 15 years for her to learn how to walk. I think she mastered it. We had to go to walking therapy, physical therapy, therapy therapy, leg movement 101, and now she walks. This is her communication. We're so excited. Now keep watching for our lame b-roll which I have no idea why we still do it, it's never entertaining anymore just filler so we can fit another ad on the video. And for the people at tattle, I have magic balls.
Can I do one? I wanna do one. Let's all make an A vlog today! Here's mine. Titled "The Vlog you were never supposed to see".
Intro B roll-
Camera set up on the nightstand in A&P's bedroom. Cheesy license-free music plays in the background. Not quite cool enough to be sellable but it will do because anyone watching this has no taste anyway. A&P are in bed snoring. Loud honking can be heard in the distance. A tries to move but he realizes he is pinned down. He panics for a moment thinking he may be paralyzed but then realizes it's just P's leg on him. He uses both hands to push it off. He waits 5 minutes for the return of circulation of blood that has been cut off from the fallen tree stump that was laying on him all night. Rubs his leg to alleviate the pins and needles and stumbles out of bed in his tighty-whiteys and heads for the bathroom. P rolls over, she still has a good 3-4 hours of sleep ahead of her and she's hung over from last night.
"Good Morning guys, welcome to the vlog".
We enter Abbie's room- ripped up pull-up everywhere, bed stripped, pictures down off the wall. "Good Morning Sweet Girl, Ready for breakfast? Let's be quiet though, ok, because Mom's sleeping and since I left her and knocked up another woman 17 years ago, she gets to sleep as late as she wants and my endless punishment is getting up with you every morning for the rest of my life so she can sleep. Don't worry about the pull-up. It smells awful in here but we'll just open a window and shut the door. It's fine. Let's go down stairs before you wake her and I have to spend 2 hours tonight hearing about how I have another kid that SHE has to pay for."
They walk down the stairs. Asa knows Abbie struggles to stay steady on stairs so he hands her a 50lb dumbbell to carry that he brought upstairs last night specifically for this purpose. Also, he has her balance a ball on top of her head because he once saw a seal do that at the aquarium and it got him thinking.
"What do you want to eat Ab? Should I could cook you something nutritious like eggs and maybe cut up some fresh fruit and give you a glass of milk? Just kidding, go to the pantry and pick out some sugary garbage. No, not that, put that back. No not that one either, put that back. No we're not having that, put that back. Yes, you can have that. Good job! High five! Nice work! Thumbs up! Give me a hug! Awesome! Now go get a bowl. No, not in the dining room, come back here. Ab? Come back. Abbie? Ok, get a bowl, no, not in the living room, come back up here. Abbie, come back. Ok, a bowl. Right here, in the cabinet! Yes, this is a cabinet. Good job! High five! Nice work! Thumbs up! Awesome! No Abbie, not a plate, put that back. Get a bowl, that's this one here that I'm pointing to. Take this, this is a bowl. Take this bowl. You did it Ab! Good job! High five! Nice work! Thumbs up! Awesome!"
Enter Summer "Hey Summer, Abbie got a bowl all by herself!" Summer: "You did Abbie? Oh my goodness. You're so cute! I'm so excited. Good job! High five! Nice work! Thumbs up! Give me a hug! Awesome! You're my Bestie!" Asa- "Summer I don't know if you know this but before ABA therapy, Abbie was never able to get a bowl like she just did. She's really progressed. This is why we do what we do. Here's today's advice. Make clocks. sew your couch cushions, ignore your dogs, join an MLM, get yourself a happy marriage, I'll leave the link down below".
Summer looks confused but isn't doesn't dare point that out, just giggles.
Jump cut to walking to the laundry area. 4 weeks worth of clothes are piled up. 2 rats are sitting on top of the dryer having a picnic and discussing current events. They wave to Asa as he enters, they are all old friends and exchange a knowing look of acknowledgement to each other. No words are needed.
"Ok Ab, time to get shoes on. I'm just going to open this cabinet that has 473 pairs of Target shoes and smells like the neighbors garbage that I leave bags of dog
tit in and because I know it's important for you to learn life skills, I will pick the shoes out for you. It's just easier than waiting for you to find a matching pair and we are already late for school that starts the same time every single day but I'm almost 40 and I haven't got the hang of time management yet. Good thing I don't have a real job where I have to be anywhere at a specific time. Can you imagine if I was actually ever held accountable to real-world standards? Good thing I've used you to create a life where I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Ok, let's go"
They both walk to the car and on the way pass 5 bushes that Asa pulled out for no apparent reason whatsoever other than to seem like he has lots to do. Jump cut to car interior. "So guys I have nothing to talk about but I need filler so I decided I wanted to talk about nothing and that's what I'm going to do. One time I was laying on the couch and I looked up at the ceiling and I noticed it was white so I started thinking about how the color white is not really a color. There are lots of colors like blue, red, pink, green, chartreuse, fuchsia, purple, blue, did I say blue? I think I said blue already, orange, yellow, lavender, black, is black a color? I think black is like ALL of the colors so maybe that doesn't count. Leave a comment below to help my algorithm and let me know if you think black is a color. I will ignore your comment but really need you to feel engaged. What was I saying? Oh, yes, colors. Colors are nice. Abbie likes colors. Once over quarantine we tried to teach Abbie colors. She was great at it. Everyone was super impressed. Someone in the comments said that it inspired them to learn colors too. Abbie is changing lives. We never did it again though because we just needed some content that one time."
Jump cut to Abbie arriving at school. A staff member opens the door to retrieve her.
Asa gives her the morning update. "Abbie fell asleep on the way here. She's probably going to be miserable and exhausted all day because she was up until 3am doing table tasks and eating Rasinettes. I can't put in to words how happy I am to not have to deal with her for a couple of hours. I know that manners and social constructs dictate that I say thank you to you for taking my child out of the car but I will NEVER do that because you work for me AND I'm doing you a favor by allowing you to be in the presence of THE autism princess. I'm off to Dunkin now, Later Biatch!".
Asa burns rubber and screeches off like a man leaving prison after being released from a life sentence.
"Gonna cut the vlog short today guys. Have I met every requirement for an FA vlog? Let me check- Show my wife as a lazy uninterested unconcerned parent? Check. Passive Aggressively allude to P's weight issue while simultaneously pretending she's lost 105 pounds? Check. Pretend my daughter is thriving when it's clear she has regressed? Preach to Summer/the Leghumpers? Check. Spout some self-righteous BS about why I'm the authority on everything but really I'm just promoting my own agenda, pandering to the leghumpers and trying to scam money from them? Check. Ramble on endlessly about nothing and bore anyone with an IQ higher than 60 to tears? Check. Be rude/inconsiderate to another human? Check. Ok, all good. I think this was enough time to properly monetize this video anyway and that's all this is about for me at the end of the day so peace and GET BENT".
After the beep
Asa walks in to the house and announces "I got Dunkin" only to find P sitting in the kitchen with a huge display of food set up on the counter as if she's getting ready to film a cooking video. There is an assortment of cheeses, a pile of bacon, take out Chinese food containers, a whole roasted pig with an apple in it's mouth, 2 boxes of pasta cooked in water that wasn't boiling, 5 pounds of mystery meat and a loaf of bread. She is not filming a video though, this is "Breakfast". Asa places the Dunkin on the counter, looks lovingly into P's eyes, just below eyebrows #3 & #4 and says "You really know how to turn me on. After we finish eating and each spend 45 minutes in the bathroom, grab the jar of bacon grease and meet me upstairs. I have a coupon I want to cash in".
P sprinkles a packet of Hidden Valley Ranch in to her mouth, locks eyes with the man of her dreams, puts on her best sex-kitten voice and says "You had me at Dunkin".