Escape into the Tea & Sympathy chat room #2

[Chita]

I'm going through a bit of a bad time at the moment. Someone started a new thread in the advice forum, called Are you really happy? I posted in it, I don't feel up to repeating the whole thing again in this thread.
I'm 58 and going through some kind of life crisis, I would say mid like crisis, but I'm too old for that. Don't you hate that phrase - "You're too old for that!" Do you stop being a thinking, feeling human being because you've reached a certain age? Of course not.
During the weekend, I had a brief glimpse into what a woman of a certain age, can expect from her life if she happened to be single again - which I'm not. It was rather unpleasant and sordid. Sorry to be a little cryptic here.
I wish I could travel back in time to my 27 year old self, and give her a good talking to. I would tell her that she was worth more, than what she was willing to put up with at the time. If I had taken that advice back then I would not be the woman I am today, someone with her self esteem on the floor. But do we ever listen, when time is on our side?

@Rockin' Robin
I have found the thread and your post.
The Wake .........
You don't HAVE to attend it if you really don't want to, but I think your husband will probably like you to be there by his side.

Nobody enjoys these things, but they do help us to get closure.
They help us move forward with the grieving process, so, even though you don't want to go because you don't want to mingle with those people you would rather not spend time with and you don't feel confident in yourself, it might help you in the long run.

So do try and go.

You feel overweight. So what, who isn't. Especially after that covid lockdown bollox. I think everybody has gained weight.
If you don't feel comfy in your clothes, get some basic items in a larger size. Enough to make a little capsule wardrobe for now.
If your go-to funeral/wake outfit feels uncomfortable, get something else.
It doesn't have to break the bank. Many supermarkets have good quality bits and bobs for a reasonable price these days.

Take everything a step at a time.
You are unhappy with your weight, but you cannot lose it overnight, so get a few new clothes you can mix an match in a larger size for now.
You can start to try and lose a bit a weight gradually later.

Your age is a factor in how you feel currently, too. You are thinking of your age and thinking of your weight and also dealing with your bereavement and the circumstances leading up to it.
So of course you feel overwhelmed.

You can't stop the ageing process, so embrace it. You might even decide in a little while that the additional weight doesn't even matter.
Try not to think about it.
You ARE that 27 year old self inside and you are a strong woman. Look how you have coped with all of this!!!!
You can stay strong and you can get through this.

 

[Scotch Mist]

You might remember that I posted a while back about various shenanigans going on where I work, there's an enquiry going on against my boss which has been dragging on for 6 months now!

The gist of it is that the managers she managed complained about her. Anyway one of the managers is really taking the piss now my boss is off the scene. She's had weeks and weeks off work claiming stress then she comes back for a couple of weeks and goes off 'sick' again. I haven’t seen her for the last 2 weeks.

I found out the other day that she had recorded a podcast during the time she was off when she was claiming to be stressed. I listened to the podcast and the accompanying article in a peer journal. She sounds completely at ease, chipper and full of the joys of life promoting her own business venture.

If you listened to her and didn't know her you would think that the business venture is her full time job. This woman is supposed to be working where I work 4 days a week and she's highly paid earning about double what I earn. The magazine shoot shows her looking happy glamorous and relaxed. I simply don't believe that her new business venture is something she only does on the day off she has every week.

I would love to 'dob her in' as she bloody well deserves it for obviously moonlighting, but think that I would be putting myself at risk.
Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can make this happen without being the whistle blower?

 

[Chita]

You might remember that I posted a while back about various shenanigans going on where I work, there's an enquiry going on against my boss which has been dragging on for 6 months now!

The gist of it is that the managers she managed complained about her. Anyway one of the managers is really taking the piss now my boss is off the scene. She's had weeks and weeks off work claiming stress then she comes back for a couple of weeks and goes off 'sick' again. I haven’t seen her for the last 2 weeks.

I found out the other day that she had recorded a podcast during the time she was off when she was claiming to be stressed. I listened to the podcast and the accompanying article in a peer journal. She sounds completely at ease, chipper and full of the joys of life promoting her own business venture.

If you listened to her and didn't know her you would think that the business venture is her full time job. This woman is supposed to be working where I work 4 days a week and she's highly paid earning about double what I earn. The magazine shoot shows her looking happy glamorous and relaxed. I simply don't believe that her new business venture is something she only does on the day off she has every week.

I would love to 'dob her in' as she bloody well deserves it for obviously moonlighting, but think that I would be putting myself at risk.
Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can make this happen without being the whistle blower?

While your boss is on suspension, you are in a weird position, really. You are pretty isolated at work at present and you don't know who you can trust.

Who would be the best person to do something about this manager?
If they were to see this podcast and article in the journal, they might come to the same conclusion as you.
If there is a way to accidentally on purpose make sure that person sees it, without anyone knowing you have made it 'visible' for them to find, then you could do that, but TBH, it might be best to block it all out, pretend you don't know about it and carry on being under the radar.

This person's outside business might become all consuming and she might resign soon anyway.

 

[JAR21]

You might remember that I posted a while back about various shenanigans going on where I work, there's an enquiry going on against my boss which has been dragging on for 6 months now!

The gist of it is that the managers she managed complained about her. Anyway one of the managers is really taking the piss now my boss is off the scene. She's had weeks and weeks off work claiming stress then she comes back for a couple of weeks and goes off 'sick' again. I haven’t seen her for the last 2 weeks.

I found out the other day that she had recorded a podcast during the time she was off when she was claiming to be stressed. I listened to the podcast and the accompanying article in a peer journal. She sounds completely at ease, chipper and full of the joys of life promoting her own business venture.

If you listened to her and didn't know her you would think that the business venture is her full time job. This woman is supposed to be working where I work 4 days a week and she's highly paid earning about double what I earn. The magazine shoot shows her looking happy glamorous and relaxed. I simply don't believe that her new business venture is something she only does on the day off she has every week.

I would love to 'dob her in' as she bloody well deserves it for obviously moonlighting, but think that I would be putting myself at risk.
Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can make this happen without being the whistle blower?

I'd been wondering what was happening with that.

You could always set up another email address and send a link to someone higher up the chain? Or print the article off (not whilst you're at work, as they can probably check what's been printed) and get someone to address an envelope and post it to the relevant person?

 

[Scotch Mist]

While your boss is on suspension, you are in a weird position, really. You are pretty isolated at work at present and you don't know who you can trust.

Who would be the best person to do something about this manager?
If they were to see this podcast and article in the journal, they might come to the same conclusion as you.
If there is a way to accidentally on purpose make sure that person sees it, without anyone knowing you have made it 'visible' for them to find, then you could do that, but TBH, it might be best to block it all out, pretend you don't know about it and carry on being under the radar.

This person's outside business might become all consuming and she might resign soon anyway.

It's a tricky one. There are 2 people higher up than this manager who would be very interested to find out that she is taking the piss but of course I can't prove it, so can't accuse her of anything.

I don't trust anyone at work but play the game by being nice to them all. I managed to get a payrise but now have to report to a more junior manager. He's OK but I don't believe he works particularly hard either. The plus side is that he's not checking up on me all the time

Since my boss left all the managers are getting away with things that she would never have allowed. The enquiry isn't wrapped up yet and is still ongoing. They accused her of bullying them for making them do their jobs and now one of them is never at work and moonlighting!

I suspect the moonlighting manager is trying to get her business up and running before she decides to leave to pursue it further. Getting a business like hers off the ground could take quite a long time in terms of replacing her lucrative salary. It does make me annoyed that she's doing this though and getting away with it.

 

[Chita]

I think you are best keeping shtum.
Keep your head down, keep being nice to colleagues and keep your job.

 

[Scotch Mist]

I think you are best keeping shtum.
Keep your head down, keep being nice to colleagues and keep your job.

Yes I agree. If I was younger I would have left by now but it's difficult to get another job at my age.

I was discussing this manager with Mr Hamster earlier, both of us have had barely any time off work for sickness in our lives and we're both over 60. We came to the conclusion that we're far more conscientious than a lot of others these days 🫠 not that anyone cares!

 

[Chita]

Yes I agree. If I was younger I would have left by now but it's difficult to get another job at my age.

I was discussing this manager with Mr Hamster earlier, both of us have had barely any time off work for sickness in our lives and we're both over 60. We came to the conclusion that we're far more conscientious than a lot of others these days 🫠 not that anyone cares!

You just gotta look after yourself.
And if you are able to get your occupational pensions now - do it.

 

[Rockin' Robin]

Chita- thank you for taking the trouble to reply to me, thank you for your sound advice. I am working through my thoughts and feelings, and am feeling a little better.

 

[Chita]

Chita- thank you for taking the trouble to reply to me, thank you for your sound advice. I am working through my thoughts and feelings, and am feeling a little better.

Good girl.

Has the wake happened yet?
Try not to dwell on it and make it into a bigger thing than it is.
It's only a few hours. You can do it.

 

[Rockin' Robin]

Good girl.

Has the wake happened yet?
Try not to dwell on it and make it into a bigger thing than it is.
It's only a few hours. You can do it.

Not yet, in a few weeks time.

 

[Chita]

Not yet, in a few weeks time.

OK. Time to get yourself a new outfit if you need to.

Then once it's over, you will feel different.
That's the thing about funerals and wakes, emotions and the ability to get closure seem to hang in the air until after the event.
Then once it's over those feelings sort of fold themselves up and put themselves away in the compartments of the mind.

You are doing great.

 

[HairyWeeTerrier]

@Rockin' Robin
I have found the thread and your post.
The Wake .........
You don't HAVE to attend it if you really don't want to, but I think your husband will probably like you to be there by his side.

Nobody enjoys these things, but they do help us to get closure.
They help us move forward with the grieving process, so, even though you don't want to go because you don't want to mingle with those people you would rather not spend time with and you don't feel confident in yourself, it might help you in the long run.

So do try and go.

You feel overweight. So what, who isn't. Especially after that covid lockdown bollox. I think everybody has gained weight.
If you don't feel comfy in your clothes, get some basic items in a larger size. Enough to make a little capsule wardrobe for now.
If your go-to funeral/wake outfit feels uncomfortable, get something else.
It doesn't have to break the bank. Many supermarkets have good quality bits and bobs for a reasonable price these days.

Take everything a step at a time.
You are unhappy with your weight, but you cannot lose it overnight, so get a few new clothes you can mix an match in a larger size for now.
You can start to try and lose a bit a weight gradually later.

Your age is a factor in how you feel currently, too. You are thinking of your age and thinking of your weight and also dealing with your bereavement and the circumstances leading up to it.
So of course you feel overwhelmed.

You can't stop the ageing process, so embrace it. You might even decide in a little while that the additional weight doesn't even matter.
Try not to think about it.
You ARE that 27 year old self inside and you are a strong woman. Look how you have coped with all of this!!!!
You can stay strong and you can get through this.

Always good advice from Chita. I have finally realised that we reach a stage in our life where we will find it difficult to control our shape more than our weight, My Mum always commented that her weight stayed pretty much the same, but her cargo had shifted. And I now see what she meant. I have a muffin top now because my height has changed so all the flesh that was between my boobs and my waist is now concertinaed into it. Of course the boobs are nearly joining it as well. I hate dieting and just don’t want to, so I have gone up a dress size and embraced it. I daresay advertising is not allowed so I will only hint at the name of a shop. A three letter word that ships travel on and a four letter work of the white stuff we sprinkle on our food. Not cocaine, just four letters. If it were cocaine, we likely wouldn’t care about our weight. Anyway, they sell clothes that hide a multitude of sins. If you wait till their sales, they are half price and there is a Facebook Buy and Sell page where people sell stuff from there that doesn’t fit them any longer. The quality is lovely and could be worn by any age and shape of woman. As for being too old for something, that is not usually true. I learned to ride and bought a motorbike in midlife. My friends rolled their eyes, but the folk at the club I joined , though they were mostly men in their twenties , accepted me no problem. Their only interest was in what bike I had, they didn’t care what age I was. To be honest , to me, you are young, I am 74. But I can remember feeling as you do. I try to avoid mirrors because, probably around your age, I was at a college reunion in a restaurant. When I walked in, I saw a table of old ladies, then realised I was one of the. . And I maintain that once we hit sixty, no-one is looking at us anyway, so a few pounds extra is of no consequence, only we notice it. If you want to lose weight for yourself, do it. If it is for other people, don’t bother. My friend is sixty, and she has taken up horse riding and wild swimming, she goes on adventure trips and to one of those supper clubs for singles. Mind you, she can afford it. I couldn’t. I haven’t read your post @Rockin‘n Robin, but hope this helps.x

 

[Rockin' Robin]

Chita and HairyWeeTerrier, I'm sorry it has taken so long to reply to you both. I am still feeling a little tender, I have been indulging in a little escapism on some of the other threads. I really want to sort myself out and move forward. I think at some point, I will arange to speak with a counselor, just to have a little extra support.
Thank you both so much for your kind words and advice at this difficult time.

 

[smooth_operator33]

just had a massive AA recovery van drive into the passenger side of my little MX5 while they were trying to change lanes i love that car, it’s my pride and joy. it might be a piece of metal but it’s my favourite piece of metal

 

[JAR21]

just had a massive AA recovery van drive into the passenger side of my little MX5 while they were trying to change lanes i love that car, it’s my pride and joy. it might be a piece of metal but it’s my favourite piece of metal

The twit was obviously doing a Hamilton overtake!

 

[Chita]

just had a massive AA recovery van drive into the passenger side of my little MX5 while they were trying to change lanes i love that car, it’s my pride and joy. it might be a piece of metal but it’s my favourite piece of metal

Nooooo!
Hope it's fixable.

 

[smooth_operator33]

Nooooo!
Hope it's fixable.

me too a couple of people mentioned write off as we don’t know if the axis has been twisted or whatever but hopefully the insurance will sort it
---

The twit was obviously doing a Hamilton overtake!

lol best response- thanks for making me smile xxx

 

[ChaoticArtist]

Hello!

Low has been my normal for quite a while now, but today is something different. Three years ago today, I was grieving one of my greatest losses, and my narc boss was setting in motion a series of actions which would ultimately ruin my career prospects, apart from whatever mental health I had left intact. Since then, I have lost so much, though I have also gained some. The losses far outweigh the gains.

I wish I could say that okay, I lost this and that happened, but I've got this now and it's worth going on for, but today I'm not finding it possible to think that way. It's probably just depression. Just can't seem to coping mechanism my way out of it tonight. My usual ears are either celebrating milestones or depressed themselves so can't talk to them either.

Anger, resentment, fear, grief ...it's all pretty overwhelming. I'm hoping that being dramatic here will help me calm down a bit



Okay, that helped, so a little positive give back here:

Anyone feeling bad about themselves for being overweight or aging - the most graceful woman that I have ever known and loved used to tell me that the happiest girls are the prettiest, and I can attest to that.

All my life I've been commented on for being too skinny/too overweight. I wore baggy clothes, rounded and bent my shoulders to try minimising my heavy bust, and just hid myself away and it made me look not smart at all. I rarely colour my roots as a cost-cutting measure, buy night creams but give them all to mum because she's even more insecure due to the toll that aging + illness + circumstances have taken on her, and basically just don't take care of myself anymore.

Now I'm becoming more accepting of my body being the way it is. Standing a bit taller. Wearing clothes that are a bit more fitted. The last weekend for my art exhibition, I bought and wore a bright pastel pink dress with a lowwww neck that forced me to stand tall and upright or I'd be showing far more than I wanted to It was light and flowy and I felt like a fairy princess - was just missing some flowers and butterflies in my hair. And I swear I've not had that sort of attention in more than a decade! There were younger, slimmer, more glamourous girls in barely-there crop tops, but I still got a lot of attention and compliments from both men and women. Mostly because no one had ever seen me smile like that before - some said it

I still wear baggy clothes at home and don't colour my roots frequently though, but compromise by using a spray-on for non-event outings. Also found an inexpensive yet effective repairing serum that I got for free (the best price!) so I've been using that and it's making me feel better.

I am in my early thirties, but I'd started treating myself like I was 200, and people were treating me like that too. I'd started hiding myself and stopped having fun because of my own insecurities and what others commented (really vicious because I'm nearing the end of my shelf life as a marry-able woman). I'm still in my early 100s mentally, because of my circumstances, but slowly coming back.

So basically, easier said than done, but instead of worrying about how your body looks or doesn't look, try fixing what you can, but in a healthy way - walk, exercise, give yourself the nutrients you need, buy nice new clothes that fit you rather than ones you need to change yourself to fit in, stand tall, and Smile! Most of all, respect your body for getting you this far. You're going to be together till the end, might as well love the company

 

[kpsceptic]

I think most of us women feel like that at times - especially when the menopause is looming but you still have a while to go before you reach that! That is something that you can do nothing about - and I couldn't take HRT as had a blood clot after a 'c' section so had to battle through those times. Came out the other side, worked till I was 66 and then decided to move to the Isle of Wight as had no one left around me by then and started a new life. Still get down at times, but when the sun comes out I get out for a walk. Favourite is walking down to the estuary in to watch the swans (currently around 24 I think) and soon they will be building their nests - and, with luck, we will have a few cygnets come the summer.

Chin up - we are are here for you.