Emotional Affairs

[Comewhinewithme]

Similarly I can't get my head around women who stay-having seen what cheating men do, the absolute disregard and lack of respect for their partners- they know they're hurting them, yet they do it again, and again, and again. Everytime they contact that person, kiss them, hold them, have sex etc, they're actively making a choice to cheat, some for years on end. That's not how you treat someone you love and respect. I could never get past or forget that, it would always be in the back of my mind, once that trust is gone. And it's so unfair that typically it's the wife/girlfriend who's life it goes on to affect- still thinking about it years later etc, yet he really has no consequence- keeps his family, his home, his status, keeping up appearances- that's what I think is so unfair- the partner did nothing wrong yet has to pay for it! Brings me back to my point that affairs are complex, as are the reasons for cheating, and the reasons for staying.

The women who stay have been abused, emotionally, the affair itself my not be classed as abuse but what follows is.

The gaslighting, the your crazy comment's, your this, your that. I'd say most do leave eventually but much like people who suffer domestic violence (they get the same questions) why don't you just leave, do you not think if it was as easy as that they would? When you have been emotionally abused to the point that you think there is no other option, you stay.

Anyone who partakes in an affair with a married man/woman is part of that abuse.

 

[Vegasbaby33]

The women who stay have been abused, emotionally, the affair itself my not be classed as abuse but what follows is.

The gaslighting, the your crazy comment's, your this, your that. I'd say most do leave eventually but much like people who suffer domestic violence (they get the same questions) why don't you just leave, do you not think if it was as easy as that they would? When you have been emotionally abused to the point that you think there is no other option, you stay.

Anyone who partakes in an affair with a married man/woman is part of that abuse.

I don't think that's true of all women, all affairs and all 'other women'. But a woman may also cheat or get involved with a married man due to similar reasons- abuse, control etc (particularly with emotional affairs I would argue). That's why I feel strongly that it really isn't as simple as, the other woman is pond rum, and contributing to the abuse of another woman. In some cases yes, but not all.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

If you cheat you are rum - simple as that.

 

[Comewhinewithme]

If you cheat you are rum - simple as that.

Correct, two wrongs don't make a right. Just because your having a tit time doesn't mean you inflict that on some poor innocent souls husband or wife.

 

[LaBlonde]

If you cheat you are rum - simple as that.

exactly, and i would say that on both sides.

a friend of mine has taken back her cheating partner numerous times now. the level of vitriol she has for every other woman is extreme, but it’s always directed fully at them. how dare they go after a married man, how dare they ruin a family etc etc, as though her partner doesn’t have free will of his own. i guess it becomes a coping mechanism to focus on the “other” person, rather than the one who should be actually putting her feelings first

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Correct, two wrongs don't make a right. Just because your having a tit time doesn't mean you inflict that on some poor innocent souls husband or wife.

Anyone that can try to justify it need to give their heads a wobble. We all go through some serious tit in life, some more than others but the last thing I'd do is go behind my partners back. If you are not happy - leave and be single then you can do whatever you want.

I just don't know how people can do it. Like the person who has said they were messaging a guy even while he was on honeymoon. In what world is that ok? Both of them are in the wrong. It's their poor partners I feel for who completely deserve better.

 

[Wowitsme]

You cannot justify it at emotional or physical affairs. The person who is cheated on has lasting scars whether they stay or leave even when they are with a new partner who has done nothing to cause distrust that previous betrayal leaves a lasting mark.

Just be single then do as you please

 

[Sunflower91]

I 100% couldn’t stay with a partner that cheated. The only time I did was when I caught my ex texting his ex saying she was “the only girl I’ve ever loved”. For context he was a manipulative pos and I believed him when he told me he was saying it because he didn’t want to make her mental health issues worse (she was in hospital at the time). When I found out he was engaged to a girl behind my back after 5 years it was the wake up call I needed after those years of him going back and contacting exes or other girls behind my back and playing it off as innocent. The girl he got engaged to married him and they are still married as far as I’m aware but I try not to judge her because I know he is abusive and manipulative and at the time she was a child (17).
After that I’ve set really clear boundaries around what is acceptable for me and what is not. When my most recent ex saw and old friend in a bar and she got handsy with him infront of me I told him straight that it wasn’t acceptable and he needs to set boundaries with her. I didn’t give him an ultimatum that he needs to stop being friends with her because I didn’t want to cross a threshold of controlling who a partner speaks with, I don’t feel comfortable doing that having been in a relationship myself where that was done to me (for no reason; just his insecurities since he was the one being unfaithful). At the end of the day I think you have to let them be autonomous and make the choice between respecting you and disregarding you without an ultimatum.
But I also get that situations are complex. Partners can be manipulative; throw in finances, children and various other factors and it can be scary and difficult to leave, especially when you want to love and trust that person.

 

[MrsBsDayOff]

If you cheat you are rum - simple as that.

Is it that simple though? Were Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King rum, both known adulterers?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Is it that simple though? Were Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King rum, both known adulterers?

Within the context of them as men in relationships- yes. You are having an affair with a married man. Please stop trying to negate that fact or imply that it’s not *that bad* because you haven’t (yet) had the guys fool in ya.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Is it that simple though? Were Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King rum, both known adulterers?

Really?

 

[Vegasbaby33]

What's interesting is how many people cheat- it's unfortunately very common, so that must mean half the population are 'rum'. The act of cheating is dishonest and awful behaviour, but it doesn't define a person in my opinion. I think this thread would be better renamed for 'victims' of affairs, as this debate will go round in circles otherwise & it's clear no other views are accepted. I hope all those who have been cheated find peace.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I don't think a one time thing makes a person scummy. Its a scummy thing to do, but that's not to say the person doesnt realise it was a crappy thing to do and regrets it.

Those serial cheaters though, they're defo rum lol. & the people who repeatedly go after people in relationships - thats proper insecurity. Literally no excusing or justifying those ones

 

[BettyCrockerr]

What's interesting is how many people cheat- it's unfortunately very common, so that must mean half the population are 'rum'. The act of cheating is dishonest and awful behaviour, but it doesn't define a person in my opinion. I think this thread would be better renamed for 'victims' of affairs, as this debate will go round in circles otherwise & it's clear no other views are accepted. I hope all those who have been cheated find peace.

I’ve never been cheated on. I’ve never cheated. So that blows your “victim” theory out of the water.

 

[LaBlonde]

I don't think a one time thing makes a person scummy. Its a scummy thing to do, but that's not to say the person doesnt realise it was a crappy thing to do and regrets it.

Those serial cheaters though, they're defo rum lol. & the people who repeatedly go after people in relationships - thats proper insecurity. Literally no excusing or justifying those ones

i agree with this, it’s a scenario that’s obviously got a lot of personal circumstances and nuance to it, but i stand by that it’s a scummy thing to do. agree with the earlier point about people using it as escapism from abusive relationships, but i think most of us here are talking about people who cheat despite having a loyal loving partner.

one night stands, one off moments of regret? i accept that doesn’t define a person and that’s a thing that a partner could potentially forgive.

but there is no justifying people who have continual affairs, people who have the same affair over an extremely long period of time, or people who are messaging other people’s husbands on their honeymoons. that is an act which defines a person to me. it’s callous and completely devoid of empathy for the others involved

 

[MrsBsDayOff]

Really?

Is it not a valid question? The previous poster said cheaters were rum, not sure it's that simple.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Is it not a valid question? The previous poster said cheaters were rum, not sure it's that simple.

MLK & Nelson Mandela though

Cheating is scummy AF. To repeatedly do it, to knowingly engage with or entertain someone already involved? Then youre scummy.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Is it not a valid question? The previous poster said cheaters were rum, not sure it's that simple.

You aren’t Nelson Mandela Hun. What you are, is someone who is deliberately and consistently engaging in behaviour that is by definition cheating. You are making a choice to stay in contact with a man who you know is married and to hide the communication from your own partner. Your behaviour is scummy - you are showing a lack of respect for your partner and for the man’s wife and lack of respect for yourself. You are 50% to blame for this and no matter how you try to justify it, you are a crappy person for cheating on your own partner and for knowingly cheating with a man who is married.

 

[Clairer86]

Im sorry you are you going through this; i had it happen to me and the worst part was him gaslighting me and making me feel i was 'mad', a 'pyscho' and always managing to turn it around as if it was my fault.
He would constantly hide his phone, never leave it unattended, had locks for it etc.
The really sad part is i should have trusted my gut instinct as i was correct all along, yet the bleep made me feel i was in the wrong and overreacting etc.

Yes I believe that I have been in an emotional affair with a male friend for about 5 years. He's married now and we still message each other almost daily and share intimate confidences. Nothing sexual but details of our wishes and our struggles and he is one of the only non family members who knows about my mental health problems. It broke my heart the day he got married and we still messaged while he was on honeymoon. I get a thrill when messages come through and imagine us being together. I don't believe his wife or my partner would be happy if she saw our texts (content and volume) even though there is nothing sexual in them. I feel there is a chemistry between us when we see each other in person too although due to lockdown, his marriage and wfh we don't see each other in person much these days.

I don't know if he has feelings about me sexually but I feel the content and volume in our messages is inappropriate for someone in a relationship.

you dont need to answer me if you dont want to, but i have been diagnosed as having BPD and Bipolar2. With my BPD i often have a "favourite person", and in the past i have fallen for that "special friend"/ became a bit obsessed to be completely honest.
It sounds like you are also experiencing this and that man is also your "favourite person".

 

[Kaye1976]

This is exactly me, almost identical, my mind was so mixed up at the time, looking back I should have trusted my instincts and left, I mean I look back now and one time he almost broke my wrist when I lifted his phone, he tried to get it off me, why? What was there to hide? He kept saying there was nothing to hide but he deserved privacy and then my mind would think oh god he's right, I shouldn't be going through his phone, I'm a terrible person invading his privacy of course he was hiding messages. When I would say about confronting the girl he would say if you go into my work we are finished, you'll make an idiot out of us both and I have to work there, they'll think you're crazy and I'll be the talk of the place because of you honestly if I could go back and slap myself.

So are you no longer in the relationship with the person who had the Emotional affairs?