BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
Why do you continue with it then, when you know it’s inappropriate?
He was sending you messages on his honeymoon. Jesus. What a scumbag. His poor wife.
- Notice
Why do you continue with it then, when you know it’s inappropriate?
He was sending you messages on his honeymoon. Jesus. What a scumbag. His poor wife.
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
You aren’t Nelson Mandela Hun. What you are, is someone who is deliberately and consistently engaging in behaviour that is by definition cheating. You are making a choice to stay in contact with a man who you know is married and to hide the communication from your own partner. Your behaviour is scummy - you are showing a lack of respect for your partner and for the man’s wife and lack of respect for yourself. You are 50% to blame for this and no matter how you try to justify it, you are a shitty person for cheating on your own partner and for knowingly cheating with a man who is married.
Ifyoucantbeatemjoinem
VIP Member
This is so sad to read. I would be heartbroken if I was his wife. Why do you confide in him, have him as your person when you know how "inappropriate" it all is?
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
No, it IS wrong.
The very fact that you are hiding the messages and keeping it a secret is proof of that. For the love of god - HE IS MARRIED. You are in a relationship, you shouldn’t have this kind of “connection” with someone outside of your relationship. You were exchanging messages with this man on his honeymoon.
Jesus Christ. Get a grip.
Vegasbaby33
Well-known member
@Comewhinewithme I can give a bit of insight into this. Sadly a married man had an affair with me for over a year- not something I'm proud of but life happens. Met him in a bar, he wasn't wearing a wedding ring, presented himself as single & we went home together. It started off as very casual so I didn't think too much into him being more available during the day than the evenings etc. Anyway as the months went on, we saw more & more of each other albeit for short periods- it was very intense, and feelings developed. I later learnt that he was married with kids. I won't go into all the details, but what I can say, is that the irony of unavailable men...is that they actually make themselves as available as they can be to keep you interested- so he would always message me, always reply, never ignore or ghost me, shower me with gifts, time & attention, make me feel good, flatter me, take me out etc when he could-always hold my hand, kiss my head, romantic gestures, not to mention the most amazing sex every time we saw each other, he was also like my best friend- could tell him everything & vice versa. So it's very intoxicating and became like an addiction- everyone wants to be wanted, and he knew my vulnerabilities and played on them (single for years, bad dates etc). I know now that he was just looking for an escape and an ego boost from what I believe was a boring, but not unhappy, marriage. His wife found out, forgave & they're still together (see my other post!) and we live round the corner from each other which is hard seeing them still. We were pretty much in a relationship- said I love you etc, I don’t know how he got away with it for so long. I'm sorry if this is hard to read for those who have been cheated on. I'm not a homewrecker & has taken a lot to post this, I live with the guilt every day & am ashamed I wasn't strong enough to walk away from it sooner 
but I hope this explains the other side of it.
but I hope this explains the other side of it.
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CrazyGiraffeLady
VIP Member
My husband had a fling (slept with her a couple of times) 16 months ago now. It’s taken every ounce of effort from both of us to make it work. And the real kick in the teeth is, if this effort was put in 17/18 months ago it wouldn’t have happened. We still had sex and everything but we were in a lot of debt (not an excuse at all), days were just repeating and it was a shit time. I don’t trust him 100% and probably never will again.
P.s- please don’t have ago at me telling me I’m stupid for staying. I know most people would leave however that wasn’t an option for me x
P.s- please don’t have ago at me telling me I’m stupid for staying. I know most people would leave however that wasn’t an option for me x
SnarkyTart
VIP Member
Yes, a bit Mills and Boon 
It's a long story, and every time I think about it I'm right back there. It was cool, and it was Spring. The OP asked for people to share their experiences, not for people to come in here and shit all over each other.
It's a long story, and every time I think about it I'm right back there. It was cool, and it was Spring. The OP asked for people to share their experiences, not for people to come in here and shit all over each other.
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
Nah. That’s such a cop out. Cheating in any form is fucking abhorrent. If you have made a decision to be in a committed relationship with someone and you make the choice to cheat - emotionally or otherwise - then that is shady. It’s just wrong. Plain and simple. The lady up thread is deliberately hiding this from her own partner and doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck about the other guys wife - has zero respect for their marriage and was happily contacting him when he was on his HONEYMOON. Jesus H Christ. That shit is wrong to the core and it doesn’t matter how it’s dressed up or what excuses or platitudes are given.
Tinkerbell cat
VIP Member
I would be absolutely gutted if I was his wife. I have been cheated on before with someone who pretty much did what you are doing, he spoke to someone constantly via text and always said they were just friends however it went on for a long time and I will never know if he did more with her but the messages absolutely broke me when I saw them. It's been 13 yrs since and I am in a long term relationship but I still have trust issues because of it which isn't fair on my partner now because it wasn't him that did it.
Absolutely shit behaviour.
I feel sorry for your partner and his wife in all this. They deserve better.
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judgejohndeed
VIP Member
It’s not really discussing it to just keep insulting her though? The thread was for people to share experiences whether they had the affair or were on the receiving end of it. It’s been made clear people don’t agree with what she’s doing but repeatedly just calling her a bad person isn’t discussion.
chocolate choux
VIP Member
I haven’t and wouldn’t have one, but an ex partner had one during our relationship. He also cheated - yes, he was not a catch. Personally, I found the emotional affair ‘worse’ though both were obviously horrible. I think it’s easier to rationalise what we think of as ‘traditional’ affairs. The excitement of having sex with someone new, potentially after being in a relationship for years, could be hard to resist. Many people have sexual thoughts about people other than their partner (whether they act on it or not), whilst still only wanting to spend their life with their partner. They might love their partner but feel sexually unfulfilled. At the end of the day, it’s physically so easy to kiss someone, and I imagine once you’ve done that it’s harder to resist the downward spiral
My ex pleaded drunkenness for his cheating, which I do not consider a good excuse (there’s no good excuse for cheating) but accept it does lower inhibitions. Keeping that in mind and some of the reasons above, I was very hurt but kind of able to accept it. I remember at the time consoling myself with the fact I was his ‘main bitch’
I was stupid and that felt important as I had kinda been the side chick in another relationship before (unbeknownst to be)
The emotional affair was unforgivable though. I tried but couldn’t. I guess it took away my main bitch status? While disgusted by his cheating, I didn’t feel as if he would leave me for one of those women. The woman he had the emotional affair with was different. The dynamic began to feel like she was part of our relationship. I couldn’t stop questioning why he’d be so close to her, and it actually got pretty annoying that he didn’t leave me for her because they clearly had something going on which was better than what either of them had with their respective partners
Okay, I’m rambling. Basically I found physical cheating difficult to deal with but I could make sense of it, whereas the emotional affair just left me having endless questions, feeling deeply insecure about my whole self, and like our relationship was actually threatened
Obviously influenced by the cheating being purely sexual in my situation, which isn’t always the case
My ex pleaded drunkenness for his cheating, which I do not consider a good excuse (there’s no good excuse for cheating) but accept it does lower inhibitions. Keeping that in mind and some of the reasons above, I was very hurt but kind of able to accept it. I remember at the time consoling myself with the fact I was his ‘main bitch’
I was stupid and that felt important as I had kinda been the side chick in another relationship before (unbeknownst to be)The emotional affair was unforgivable though. I tried but couldn’t. I guess it took away my main bitch status? While disgusted by his cheating, I didn’t feel as if he would leave me for one of those women. The woman he had the emotional affair with was different. The dynamic began to feel like she was part of our relationship. I couldn’t stop questioning why he’d be so close to her, and it actually got pretty annoying that he didn’t leave me for her because they clearly had something going on which was better than what either of them had with their respective partners
Okay, I’m rambling. Basically I found physical cheating difficult to deal with but I could make sense of it, whereas the emotional affair just left me having endless questions, feeling deeply insecure about my whole self, and like our relationship was actually threatened
Obviously influenced by the cheating being purely sexual in my situation, which isn’t always the case
Begborrowsteal
VIP Member
How do people process being cheated on? I am so up and down, my head is totally fried. Ive been given sleeping tablets as I wasnt sleeping, but the dreams are awful. I cant get the messages and pictures out of my head. I feel like im torturing myself but I cant stop 
Kim Mild
VIP Member
This thread opens with a paragraph containing the phrase 'anyone had an experience they want to share?' . Surely the experience of those having the emotional affair can be shared here as well as those who have found out their significant other has emotionally crossed a line?This thread has people who have had their marriage ruined by this exact thing
LaBlonde
VIP Member
i can only second the “his poor wife” - you were messaging on his honeymoon! if you know and acknowledge that the messages are inappropriate, that his wife and your partner would be upset if they saw them, then why do you continue?
you say you imagine yourselves being together and were upset when he got married. this isn’t fair on your partners at all
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
Within the context of them as men in relationships- yes. You are having an affair with a married man. Please stop trying to negate that fact or imply that it’s not *that bad* because you haven’t (yet) had the guys dick in ya.
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
Come on.This is helpful, when you do break it down it's not great reading
I know in my mind, if he was the same with every member of staff and they where the same with me I doubt I would have noticed, it was the quiet chats that threw me initially.
Also re her, I believe its guilt, she knows she shouldn't go there.
I wasn't allowed to look at the phone then after it was wiped he would start to leave it down knowing full well there was nothing on it or say to me, look all you want there's nothing on it as if I'd imagined it all.
I should have left then. I didn’t. I just didn't think if end up back here in a similar situation.
Lastly, I've stopped popping into his place, now don't get me wrong this was never a daily thing, I'd have went maybe once in a while or collected him after work. It's not healthy for me and gives me anxiety so I just don't put myself in that position and he knows why. I can't help but feel I'm giving them free reign.
He’s sleeping with her or he wants to - either way, he’s cheating on you. You know it, he knows it, he knows you know it. He’s gaslighting you, trying to make out that you are the “crazy” one.
The guy is a bellend. Ditch him.
Vegasbaby33
Well-known member
I question why someone else's behaviour, whom you don't know, seems to have such an impact on you, that's all
We all have our own opinions, doesn't mean all of us are right. A discussion would be to try and understand why it happens, which was the initial question of this thread I believe, not just bash anyone who confesses to having an affair and call them scum etc 
Vegasbaby33
Well-known member
Personally I don't think I have the right to judge anyone- we don't know the situation, context etc, and are seeing it from our own experiences of how painful cheating is, but we don't know the full picture. People cheat for all manner of reasons, not that it is right or I support it, but I'm open minded as to why it happens and don't judge anyone for it- none of us are perfect and some of us make mistakes which sadly sometimes hurt others. Nothing is ever as black and white as it seems I think is what I'm saying. It's undoubtedly the worst thing you could do to a partner but I'm not going to cast judgement on a situation I know nothing about.
Lana.lee
Chatty Member
Don't even bother getting into it. You know your truth.
Calm down. How do you know that she is not a great person? Cheating does not define a person
Vegasbaby33
Well-known member
I think if you have to resort to childish piss taking/name calling on a discussion forum, perhaps these threads aren't the place for you. It's been good to discuss it & interesting to see how the other woman seems generally viewed as the evil wrong doer, as opposed to the person doing the cheating. It's the cheaters that we really need to look at as to why they behave in this way, as there will always be people to cheat with, that's just the reality of life sadly.