Emotional Affairs

[LaBlonde]

Yes he says there is nothing but its his answers they are not reassuring, more of an attack on me, that I'm paranoid or crazy.
I asked him if he liked her, even that he couldn't answer straight, he said as a colleague? yes.
He knew what I ment, I asked was he attracted to her, instead of saying yes/no it was well she isn't bad looking.

I asked why does he have to speak with her in particular every time and not the other staff, it's not like she is senior level, just being polite

I also find her very offish, she says Hi that's it or avoids me, I asked him why that was, he said it was maybe my vibe.
So basically I'm at fault, even though, right in front of my face these two are giggling like school kids and I'm supposed to just stand there.

huge huge alarm bells here from me. you need to breakdown what you’re saying here:

- he engages in flirty, sometimes inappropriate, conversations with this woman.
- she is standoffish with you, which i have to say is probably jealously or guilt or both.
- they both freeze you out of things when you’re with them and make you feel awkward.
- he was vague when you asked about it.
- he’s trying to make it seem like your fault and your “vibes” or that you’re paranoid.
- he admitted to finding her attractive.
- he’s done it before.
- he COMPLETELY WIPED HIS PHONE when you found that last message

imagine if someone was coming to you with this stuff about their partner and what you would say to them. he’s making it sound like you’re being worried about nothing to take the heat off himself.

i’m sorry you’re going through this, and i’m sorry that he’s trying to deflect the situation onto you x

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I know, if it was the other way around I'd be as transparent as I could to reassure him, look we were talking about someone getting sacked so that's why we were chatting or listen it's good to have allies in this place but I don't have feeling bla bla.
None of that.
Regarding the last time, after I found that particular message he wiped his phone and continued to do so, I looked a couple of times when he was in the shower or whatever, pointless, not even a call log!

I feel I am right but close friends said they think he likes to wind me up. Hilarious right?

Thanks for listening, I think you have to have been through it to truly understand, just because it's not a physical (affair or however you would say it) people don't get it. For me on the 1st occasion it would have been physical with half the chance.

Wiping his phone too

God, its a really vulnerable place to be as you start doubting yourself, but it seems as though your gut may be right. Sorry youre going through it x

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

The phone wiping is the smoking gun. If there was nothing on there for you to find, why would he feel the need to do that? I have never, in any relationship I’ve been in, felt the need to delete my call log or my conversation history with anyone. That’s the act of a guilty person. Not only guilty, but sly. I know it’s very easy to say as an outsider, but you know what you’re looking at, however much he tries to tell you it’s in your head. You just need to decide what you’re going to do about it from here.

 

[LaBlonde]

This is helpful, when you do break it down it's not great reading
I know in my mind, if he was the same with every member of staff and they where the same with me I doubt I would have noticed, it was the quiet chats that threw me initially.

Also re her, I believe its guilt, she knows she shouldn't go there.

I wasn't allowed to look at the phone then after it was wiped he would start to leave it down knowing full well there was nothing on it or say to me, look all you want there's nothing on it as if I'd imagined it all.
I should have left then. I didn’t. I just didn't think if end up back here in a similar situation.

Lastly, I've stopped popping into his place, now don't get me wrong this was never a daily thing, I'd have went maybe once in a while or collected him after work. It's not healthy for me and gives me anxiety so I just don't put myself in that position and he knows why. I can't help but feel I'm giving them free reign.

her behaviour around you speaks volumes for me, like you said, it’s pure guilt. seeing you “in real life” probably brings home to her that she’s engaging in something that she shouldn’t be.

i really don’t like the way he’s deliberately making you doubt yourself (ie showing the phone when he knows he’s wiped it), that’s deeply manipulative behaviour. you KNOW what you saw and you know what you’re seeing, don’t let him get in your head about that.

it’s fully up to you how you feel and what you do next, but (like you said) you need to focus on what he’s doing and what he’s already done.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

This is helpful, when you do break it down it's not great reading
I know in my mind, if he was the same with every member of staff and they where the same with me I doubt I would have noticed, it was the quiet chats that threw me initially.

Also re her, I believe its guilt, she knows she shouldn't go there.


I wasn't allowed to look at the phone then after it was wiped he would start to leave it down knowing full well there was nothing on it or say to me, look all you want there's nothing on it as if I'd imagined it all.
I should have left then. I didn’t. I just didn't think if end up back here in a similar situation.

Lastly, I've stopped popping into his place, now don't get me wrong this was never a daily thing, I'd have went maybe once in a while or collected him after work. It's not healthy for me and gives me anxiety so I just don't put myself in that position and he knows why. I can't help but feel I'm giving them free reign.

Come on.


He’s sleeping with her or he wants to - either way, he’s cheating on you. You know it, he knows it, he knows you know it. He’s gaslighting you, trying to make out that you are the “crazy” one.


The guy is a bellend. Ditch him.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Just following on, I wanted to ask your opinions on these conversations taking place in front of me or while I was on the premises.

When I confided in the 2 close friends they took the stance of, well if he had anything to hide he wouldn't do it in front you.

My take was more of a hidden in plain sight type thing, everything to hide but this will make it look like they don't. And also he is just an mole as I now know, complete disrespect.

And also I truly believe both couldn't help themselves, they just had to say hello to each other.

Hiding in plain sight - happened with me. God its so awful.

What will you do?

 

[Begborrowsteal]

At the minute I'm biding my time, need some thinking time, but it's not going to work. There is no trust, just hurt and disrespect. I worked through the last time as I didn't want to throw everything away and I was being told it was nothing as you know.
Even less hope while they continue to work together.

I'm so sorry x

Get your head together and then when you're ready, walk away with your head held high!

 

[Chatty9]

I think emotional cheating is worse. An ex partner of mine got with someone new immediately after me, I'm not sure if there was an overlap but I remember feeling more hurt that he would hold her hand and talk to get about personal stuff than the actual sex.

I'm ashamed to admit yes I did have an affair so to speak when I was 21. Well I was single but he was not. He was 10 years my senior, my boss at the time. He initially told me they were separating etc but they weren't although the did a couple of years after it ended. It was just a fling, I was naive but no excuse I was over 18. I feel awful about it to this day. He was a right player but I had feelings for him. The sex was incredible and I had never been a sexual person. The secrecy in work, stolen glances, quick kiss etc was a thrill. I would never cheat on my husband though. A married guy came on to me at a family wedding recently (his wife in the same room!) and it disgusted me.
I'm rambling on here, not something I'm proud of is the main point!

 

[Vegasbaby33]

Just stumbled across this thread. I find it hard to understand how some can accept cheating- emotional & physical affairs. All the lies and deceit, how do you truly trust again. I know ending a relationship is so hard, but how do you get past the fact that your partner invested in someone else? Particularly with emotional affairs- I think they are worse as there are feelings involved. From experience, what I've read etc, it generally seems that the woman goes through hell for years trying to forgive their partner, and it makes me so upset because I think but he's the one who cheated, hurt, disrespected etc, yet it seems it's the woman who pays the most (in cases of male cheating). How is the relationship ever the same & do you ever really forget it happened Depends on the nature/length of the cheating I guess. I could potentially forgive a drunken one night thing, but conscious, calculated long-term deceit, I couldn't get past. I almost admire women who can.

 

[Vegasbaby33]

@Comewhinewithme I can give a bit of insight into this. Sadly a married man had an affair with me for over a year- not something I'm proud of but life happens. Met him in a bar, he wasn't wearing a wedding ring, presented himself as single & we went home together. It started off as very casual so I didn't think too much into him being more available during the day than the evenings etc. Anyway as the months went on, we saw more & more of each other albeit for short periods- it was very intense, and feelings developed. I later learnt that he was married with kids. I won't go into all the details, but what I can say, is that the irony of unavailable men...is that they actually make themselves as available as they can be to keep you interested- so he would always message me, always reply, never ignore or ghost me, shower me with gifts, time & attention, make me feel good, flatter me, take me out etc when he could-always hold my hand, kiss my head, romantic gestures, not to mention the most amazing sex every time we saw each other, he was also like my best friend- could tell him everything & vice versa. So it's very intoxicating and became like an addiction- everyone wants to be wanted, and he knew my vulnerabilities and played on them (single for years, bad dates etc). I know now that he was just looking for an escape and an ego boost from what I believe was a boring, but not unhappy, marriage. His wife found out, forgave & they're still together (see my other post!) and we live round the corner from each other which is hard seeing them still. We were pretty much in a relationship- said I love you etc, I don’t know how he got away with it for so long. I'm sorry if this is hard to read for those who have been cheated on. I'm not a homewrecker & has taken a lot to post this, I live with the guilt every day & am ashamed I wasn't strong enough to walk away from it sooner but I hope this explains the other side of it.

 

[Ifyoucantbeatemjoinem]

I had this too. He started of as one of my work best friends. He used to tell me he loved me. Hes now married had has two kids. Hes always sending me funny pictures, texting and snap chatting me. Really awkward because hes also my manager. On work nights out hes always telling me he feels like I'm the one that got away! I wouldnt touch him with a 10ft post. I'm not a flirty person, or even friendly for that matter. So I'm deffinaly not leading him on.

How did you end up with him on your snapchat?

There was a lot of hiding or always having his phone on him, it was rarely set down, I only seen one message that said, I was going to send you something sexy for valentines but they told me to get my a out of the post office. Apparently this was a joke.

This must be very difficult for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Vegasbaby33]

Great question, for me no matter who you are or what you work as, I feel there should be a line, management can have your number for work issues only and if you do have friends in work then also them but it should be that.

No need for WhatsApp or Snapchat. I wouldn't dream of having my boss etc on those, mostly because they aren't your mate no matter what they say and also I wouldn't want them checking up on me!
There needs to be a level of professionalism.

Maybe it's because I am a bit older.
This isn't aimed at you by the way, as I know this happens, just expressing my feelings


This is interesting though definitely more of an affair rather than an emotional one. The points you make are however things I've thought already so interesting that it's similar as in you say about the ego boost, I believe this in my case, the girl is younger so definitely a boost.
The secrecy and glances, can also see how that would be too.

Yes it was sadly a full blown physical & emotional affair. Interestingly the emotional part came more from him initially & he invested in that part more I would say. I think us women generally have good gut instincts and if you feel something's not right, it generally is the case I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Sunflower91]

A friend of mine is currently in a relationship with a married man. When it began, she was in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship and this guy was a shoulder to cry on and there for her. It developed into more and straight away she ended it with her partner at the time and expected the other dude to do the same thing too- he always maintained that there was no love between him and his wife. Fast forward over 2 years and he still hasn’t left his wife despite her apparently knowing everything (I challenge this all the time as it makes no sense to me) and having seen the messages / how he acts with my friend he’s just as if not more emotionally abusive and manipulating than her ex. Every time she tries to leave he love bombs her to stay. For her I don’t think it was ever about any kind of ego boost, she just saw this person as someone there for her when she really needed it and has ended up in something far worse. It’s sad because there are some people who completely turned their back on her because of what it looks like on the outside, but those of us who’ve stayed with her just feel completely helpless trying to get her away from him.

 

[Vegasbaby33]

Yes I think there is always a context to affairs and for me, I know it was my own vulnerabilities that led to me falling for this man. That being said, I don't believe there is ever an acceptable excuse for cheating- they make a conscious decision to hurt you,
even with solely emotional affairs- they're investing in someone else. The man I was involved with was too much of a coward to speak to his wife about what he needed- his affair with me was purely about his own needs- he wanted to be needed, desired etc, due to his own insecurities, and rather than deal with that, he chose to seek attention in someone else, repeatedly for over 15 months. Even when I ended it, he still wanted to be 'friends' and wouldn't leave me alone. I now know that he slept with me on her birthday...that level of disrespect is another level. So having seen how cheaters behave and how in that moment they are being unfaithful, they know they're hurting their partner and it would destroy them, yet they do it anyway, there's no excuse and I truly believe it's about them as a person that leads them to cheat, not necessarily the state of their relationship.

 

[Chatty9]

Would you say you enjoyed the attention? Not judging just interested in how these things start.


This is where I am, if it was one night or just sex I think as hard as it would be I could see it as it was just using each other, animalistic almost.

But you are right the emotional is worse, you're married and your husband likes someone else, not just as in they are cool but you know he has feelings or fantasies, probably dying to take it further. Confides in them, enjoys their company, all the while you are sat at home.

Yes he was quote calculated in terms off he gained my trust. I had a boyfriend when I first worked there and came in to work upset one night about an argument. I remember clearly being 'perfect gentleman' shoulder to cry on but said to me 'if you were my girlfriend I wouldn't treat you like that etc that guy doesn't know how lucky he is etc
In hindsight though from our very first meeting at a training course (it was a brand new company opening so we all started together) I think he liked me but I didn't realise. I developed feelings for him but I think purely sex for him...

I think the attraction with an affair is that you have this secret person to confide everything on and you actually feel you can trust him because he won't dare tell anyone because it would compromise himself. I have had many opportunities for affairs in the 12 years just have been married, emotional and otherwise but never acted on any, nor would I. Its something i very much regret. The only small saving grace was that there were no children involved.
Following on from that my Dad had an affair many years ago resulting with a child. He died last year and his daughter sent a letter via a solicitor to my mum trying to reach out to me and my sibling. My mother destroyed the letter. She is too hurt which I understand bit do you know think that should have been my decision whether or not I want a relationship with her. Its such a touchy subject I cant even voice this with her

 

[MrsBsDayOff]

Yes I believe that I have been in an emotional affair with a male friend for about 5 years. He's married now and we still message each other almost daily and share intimate confidences. Nothing sexual but details of our wishes and our struggles and he is one of the only non family members who knows about my mental health problems. It broke my heart the day he got married and we still messaged while he was on honeymoon. I get a thrill when messages come through and imagine us being together. I don't believe his wife or my partner would be happy if she saw our texts (content and volume) even though there is nothing sexual in them. I feel there is a chemistry between us when we see each other in person too although due to lockdown, his marriage and wfh we don't see each other in person much these days.

I don't know if he has feelings about me sexually but I feel the content and volume in our messages is inappropriate for someone in a relationship.

 

[Ifyoucantbeatemjoinem]

Yes I believe that I have been in an emotional affair with a male friend for about 5 years. He's married now and we still message each other almost daily and share intimate confidences. Nothing sexual but details of our wishes and our struggles and he is one of the only non family members who knows about my mental health problems. It broke my heart the day he got married and we still messaged while he was on honeymoon. I get a thrill when messages come through and imagine us being together. I don't believe his wife or my partner would be happy if she saw our texts (content and volume) even though there is nothing sexual in them. I feel there is a chemistry between us when we see each other in person too although due to lockdown, his marriage and wfh we don't see each other in person much these days.

I don't know if he has feelings about me sexually but I feel the content and volume in our messages is inappropriate for someone in a relationship.

This is so sad to read. I would be heartbroken if I was his wife. Why do you confide in him, have him as your person when you know how "inappropriate" it all is?

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

My husband had a fling (slept with her a couple of times) 16 months ago now. It’s taken every ounce of effort from both of us to make it work. And the real kick in the teeth is, if this effort was put in 17/18 months ago it wouldn’t have happened. We still had sex and everything but we were in a lot of debt (not an excuse at all), days were just repeating and it was a tit time. I don’t trust him 100% and probably never will again.

P.s- please don’t have ago at me telling me I’m stupid for staying. I know most people would leave however that wasn’t an option for me x

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Yes I believe that I have been in an emotional affair with a male friend for about 5 years. He's married now and we still message each other almost daily and share intimate confidences. Nothing sexual but details of our wishes and our struggles and he is one of the only non family members who knows about my mental health problems. It broke my heart the day he got married and we still messaged while he was on honeymoon. I get a thrill when messages come through and imagine us being together. I don't believe his wife or my partner would be happy if she saw our texts (content and volume) even though there is nothing sexual in them. I feel there is a chemistry between us when we see each other in person too although due to lockdown, his marriage and wfh we don't see each other in person much these days.

I don't know if he has feelings about me sexually but I feel the content and volume in our messages is inappropriate for someone in a relationship.

Why do you continue with it then, when you know it’s inappropriate?

He was sending you messages on his honeymoon. Jesus. What a scumbag. His poor wife.

 

[LaBlonde]

Yes I believe that I have been in an emotional affair with a male friend for about 5 years. He's married now and we still message each other almost daily and share intimate confidences. Nothing sexual but details of our wishes and our struggles and he is one of the only non family members who knows about my mental health problems. It broke my heart the day he got married and we still messaged while he was on honeymoon. I get a thrill when messages come through and imagine us being together. I don't believe his wife or my partner would be happy if she saw our texts (content and volume) even though there is nothing sexual in them. I feel there is a chemistry between us when we see each other in person too although due to lockdown, his marriage and wfh we don't see each other in person much these days.

I don't know if he has feelings about me sexually but I feel the content and volume in our messages is inappropriate for someone in a relationship.

i can only second the “his poor wife” - you were messaging on his honeymoon! if you know and acknowledge that the messages are inappropriate, that his wife and your partner would be upset if they saw them, then why do you continue?

you say you imagine yourselves being together and were upset when he got married. this isn’t fair on your partners at all