Emotional Affairs

[TakeYourMama]

I’m pretty interested reading some of the boundaries/ opinions surrounding work place relationships and when that crosses the line into danger territory. Its definitely made me think about things- to be clear I’ve never had an emotional affair (or ever cheated on any shape or form) with someone at work or been tempted to but I’ve also never really thought about how other half’s unless they’ve voiced a concern and I know about it.
Throughout my career I’ve always been a part of a work place friendship group that text outside of work, call eachother, meet for coffee or have dinner parties. I’ve even been on vacations with colleagues (mixed groups of men and women) some of them with partners at home. I’ve got workplace gaming teams and sometimes we book a day off and game together or sometimes we call eachother whilst out for a walk, go to gigs or events together. There’s not been a weekend I can recall in the last 7 years where I haven’t been texting a colleague, depending on what they’re up to at the time. I think because on my part I have no interest I’ve never seen it as my issue or problematic but reading here makes me think maybe it is an issue and I just don’t know about it. Like I say, no cheating is going on - but is that what partners are thinking is happening?

I found this thread by accident but it has also made me think about a male friend I have. We have been friends since we were 12 years old, nothing ever happened between us. I see him as one of my closest friends and I do tell him about problems in my life etc, he tells me too. He now lives in America and I haven't seen him in quite a few years - he is married with 2 small kids. I never felt there was anything wrong with what I was doing, his wife is aware of me and my husband is aware of my friend. I tell him what I would tell my closest female friend.

I think people are wrong labelling something like this as an emotional affair which seems to be the case. I don't believe we have to end too friendships with males in our life once they/we get married.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I found this thread by accident but it has also made me think about a male friend I have. We have been friends since we were 12 years old, nothing ever happened between us. I see him as one of my closest friends and I do tell him about problems in my life etc, he tells me too. He now lives in America and I haven't seen him in quite a few years - he is married with 2 small kids. I never felt there was anything wrong with what I was doing, his wife is aware of me and my husband is aware of my friend. I tell him what I would tell my closest female friend.

I think people are wrong labelling something like this as an emotional affair which seems to be the case. I don't believe we have to end too friendships with males in our life once they/we get married.

No, I dont think its classing male/female friendships as emotional affairs. Its when it crosses a line and has that emotional/romantic edge

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I found this thread by accident but it has also made me think about a male friend I have. We have been friends since we were 12 years old, nothing ever happened between us. I see him as one of my closest friends and I do tell him about problems in my life etc, he tells me too. He now lives in America and I haven't seen him in quite a few years - he is married with 2 small kids. I never felt there was anything wrong with what I was doing, his wife is aware of me and my husband is aware of my friend. I tell him what I would tell my closest female friend.

I think people are wrong labelling something like this as an emotional affair which seems to be the case. I don't believe we have to end too friendships with males in our life once they/we get married.

No not at all. Do you deliberately hide your communication from your own partners? Do you daily text this man in secret? I’m guessing not. This guy is your platonic friend.

 

[Comewhinewithme]

Wasn't there someone saying they'd done it for 11 years though. What's the end game with that? I can at least understand if you're not getting sex at home or your sex life is bad people go and physically cheat (although I personally feel that's worse than emotional cheating) but are there really people staying in clearly unhappy relationships for 11 years just messaging someone else not even shagging them? I don't get it tbh.

This is the one I find interesting, nothing is ever going to come of it or maybe, suppose no-one knows there has been promises made of running away together type thing so they hold on.
Of course the man is yet again winning in this situation

I’m pretty interested reading some of the boundaries/ opinions surrounding work place relationships and when that crosses the line into danger territory. Its definitely made me think about things- to be clear I’ve never had an emotional affair (or ever cheated on any shape or form) with someone at work or been tempted to but I’ve also never really thought about how other half’s unless they’ve voiced a concern and I know about it.
Throughout my career I’ve always been a part of a work place friendship group that text outside of work, call eachother, meet for coffee or have dinner parties. I’ve even been on vacations with colleagues (mixed groups of men and women) some of them with partners at home. I’ve got workplace gaming teams and sometimes we book a day off and game together or sometimes we call eachother whilst out for a walk, go to gigs or events together. There’s not been a weekend I can recall in the last 7 years where I haven’t been texting a colleague, depending on what they’re up to at the time. I think because on my part I have no interest I’ve never seen it as my issue or problematic but reading here makes me think maybe it is an issue and I just don’t know about it. Like I say, no cheating is going on - but is that what partners are thinking is happening?

I know what you mean, you could be cruising along and maybe not realising you are causing tension/issues, thought to be fair to you it doesn't sound like you are, the fact you are part of a group and this group are all friends seems different to what I experienced, obviously I can only use my own experience but for me, there was no group, no team building, no coffees with a group, this was over time one single girl.

I found this thread by accident but it has also made me think about a male friend I have. We have been friends since we were 12 years old, nothing ever happened between us. I see him as one of my closest friends and I do tell him about problems in my life etc, he tells me too. He now lives in America and I haven't seen him in quite a few years - he is married with 2 small kids. I never felt there was anything wrong with what I was doing, his wife is aware of me and my husband is aware of my friend. I tell him what I would tell my closest female friend.

That's definitely a friendship and the fact both your spouses know and nothing is hidden is what makes it different. I assume if your husband maybe was feeling a little put out one day and asked to see your messages you wouldn't have a problem?

Theres nothing new and unfounded though, surely? Either someone feels driven to it out of an unhappy relationship, caught up in the whirlwind of it or are driven to it from personal unhappiness?

I spoke to the woman who had the emotional 'thing' with my OH and she cried () and said she felt disgusting having been caught out and that its something she has always done as she liked the attention. I wasnt at all surprised. Its standard background to these things, isnt it.

Caught up in the whirlwind is correct. Not everyone is having relationship issues, in my case my husband just had his head turned by the office girl in her see through blouse
We were in the early days of our marriage, affection and s*x was plenty, time spent together, no issues at all, then being the man that HE is, can only assume he enjoyed his ego getting massaged and the thrill of it all.

 

[Gossgirl12]

I’d say there is a level of commitment issues in this case or delusion?

I'm the one who posted about my friend being involved with someone for 11 years. She seems to be completely head over heels in love with him, but in my mind, she is deluded because if he hasn't left his partner for her in 11 years, he's never going to. From the messages I've seen, I'm convinced he's obsessed with sex. Has a problem. His gf seems to be very vanilla whereas my friend says she isn't, she's very adventurous when it comes to sex, she's dressed up for him and done many things that I suppose some men enjoy when it comes to sex. I've told her that all this will ever be is sex but of course she has feelings now & he says he does to. It'll go on forever the more she goes along with it. That makes me sad for her, she's hung up on someone who won't ever commit to her but if I was the girlfriend, I'd be questioning why he hasn't committed to me with at least a ring after 11 years.

 

[judgejohndeed]

@Gossgirl12 have you ever asked her what she thinks is going to happen? Does he tell her he’s going to leave the girlfriend? Has she dated other people in that time or is she ‘loyal’ to him? Sorry for all the questions, just interested

 

[Comewhinewithme]

I'm the one who posted about my friend being involved with someone for 11 years. She seems to be completely head over heels in love with him, but in my mind, she is deluded because if he hasn't left his partner for her in 11 years, he's never going to. From the messages I've seen, I'm convinced he's obsessed with sex. Has a problem. His gf seems to be very vanilla whereas my friend says she isn't, she's very adventurous when it comes to sex, she's dressed up for him and done many things that I suppose some men enjoy when it comes to sex. I've told her that all this will ever be is sex but of course she has feelings now & he says he does to. It'll go on forever the more she goes along with it. That makes me sad for her, she's hung up on someone who won't ever commit to her but if I was the girlfriend, I'd be questioning why he hasn't committed to me with at least a ring after 11 years.

Well that's just sad, she is being used for sex, his poor gf too, imagine finding out your partner is having the time of it with someone else, bad enough they texting but that he is doing adventurous stuff elsewhere, thats a good point, regarding commitment, then at the same time it's not for everyone, not every girl wants and ring or a wedding.

 

[Gossgirl12]

@Gossgirl12 have you ever asked her what she thinks is going to happen? Does he tell her he’s going to leave the girlfriend? Has she dated other people in that time or is she ‘loyal’ to him? Sorry for all the questions, just interested

He's made it clear that he won't leave his girlfriend, he said he has to much to lose. They have a mortgage and he's really close to her family. She has dated other people but nothing serious, a few flings here and there and he gets jealous when he hears about it. He's absolutely having his cake and eating it. My friend once said he said he felt like he was living with a flat mate/friend rather than his girlfriend. But in my opinion, he's stringing her along and will never be with my friend. He says he's never had a connection with anyone else like he has her, whenever he gets free time he's with my friend, he went on his girlfriends brothers stag do and ended up sleeping with my friend before going home to her. Whenever his gf goes away, he's with my friend. It's just crazy. I can't get my head around it. 11 years

Well that's just sad, she is being used for sex, his poor gf too, imagine finding out your partner is having the time of it with someone else, bad enough they texting but that he is doing adventurous stuff elsewhere, thats a good point, regarding commitment, then at the same time it's not for everyone, not every girl wants and ring or a wedding.

Apparently, he doesn't want marriage, his gf does. He wants kids one day, his gf doesn't. They seem pretty mis matched in that respect.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

He's made it clear that he won't leave his girlfriend, he said he has to much to lose. They have a mortgage and he's really close to her family. She has dated other people but nothing serious, a few flings here and there and he gets jealous when he hears about it. He's absolutely having his cake and eating it. My friend once said he said he felt like he was living with a flat mate/friend rather than his girlfriend. But in my opinion, he's stringing her along and will never be with my friend. He says he's never had a connection with anyone else like he has her, whenever he gets free time he's with my friend, he went on his girlfriends brothers stag do and ended up sleeping with my friend before going home to her. Whenever his gf goes away, he's with my friend. It's just crazy. I can't get my head around it. 11 years


Apparently, he doesn't want marriage, his gf does. He wants kids one day, his gf doesn't. They seem pretty mis matched in that respect.

Jesus, thats all so awful!

 

[Comewhinewithme]

He's made it clear that he won't leave his girlfriend, he said he has to much to lose. They have a mortgage and he's really close to her family. She has dated other people but nothing serious, a few flings here and there and he gets jealous when he hears about it. He's absolutely having his cake and eating it. My friend once said he said he felt like he was living with a flat mate/friend rather than his girlfriend. But in my opinion, he's stringing her along and will never be with my friend. He says he's never had a connection with anyone else like he has her, whenever he gets free time he's with my friend, he went on his girlfriends brothers stag do and ended up sleeping with my friend before going home to her. Whenever his gf goes away, he's with my friend. It's just crazy. I can't get my head around it. 11 years


Apparently, he doesn't want marriage, his gf does. He wants kids one day, his gf doesn't. They seem pretty mis matched in that respect.

What, the gf would be better going too along with your friend, they are both being strung along, they should form a pact and leave him on his ass!
He won't marry one and won't leave a relationship for another, he is a very lucky boy neither of these girls have ended up pregnant.
Men are pigs, my husband did say that one of friends used to leave football early and go to his side piece, shower and come home and his wife was none the wiser as of course you shower after.

 

[Vegasbaby33]

The situation I was in would have gone on a lot longer, for at least another year or so had I not come to my senses and ended it- most men won't end things until they think they'll get caught. He sounds similar re any time away from the partner/opportunity is spent with her, in fact if I'd have allowed it mine probably could have gone on for that long, a year was bad enough! It sounds like your friend still has hope that she'll end up with him, plus the addiction and intoxication of it can be hard to give up...she may not want to, particularly as it's been so long. It's sad for her as such a long time to waste on someone clearly not deserving of it, but she must have her reasons. Ending it would probably kill her (not literally but you know what I mean), she's spent all those years in that bubble, the heartbreak is probably too much to bear, so you carry on convincing yourself there's more to it than there is. As for him, why would he end it, he doesn't care who he's hurting & has gotten away with it for so long

What, the gf would be better going too along with your friend, they are both being strung along, they should form a pact and leave him on his ass!
He won't marry one and won't leave a relationship for another, he is a very lucky boy neither of these girls have ended up pregnant.
Men are pigs, my husband did say that one of friends used to leave football early and go to his side piece, shower and come home and his wife was none the wiser as of course you shower after.

They certainly are...it astounds me how they can do it, mine didn't even shower sometimes and go straight home...makes me feel sick. (And yes before anyone jumps on their high horse I had a part to play in that but can we get past that now). I thought the same re pregnancy and sti's they play with fire but that's part of the thrill I guess

 

[Gossgirl12]

What, the gf would be better going too along with your friend, they are both being strung along, they should form a pact and leave him on his ass!
He won't marry one and won't leave a relationship for another, he is a very lucky boy neither of these girls have ended up pregnant.
Men are pigs, my husband did say that one of friends used to leave football early and go to his side piece, shower and come home and his wife was none the wiser as of course you shower after.

He would definitely deserve to be left on his own. My friend is obviously very much in the wrong here too of course but she won't listen to a word I say. She says she understands why I feel the way I feel but because I'm not in it, I don't understand. She's had 2 pregnancy scares already. If it happened, then unless she had an abortion, it would blow right up in their faces. He's a rugby boy, so there's been many a time where he's told his gf he's going to rugby but sees my friend or goes to rugby and sees my friend after. He even tried to sleep with her on his gf's birthday he just has no respect whatsoever. I feel like my messages get worse the more I type. I know so much that it would be extremely easy to get his gf to believe me but I just can't get involved in that way. I've thought many times about telling her but have always talked myself out of it out respect to my friendship.

 

[judgejohndeed]

He even tried to sleep with her on his gf's birthday

This is shocking! Can't you send an anonymous note or something? I'm actually shook that someone has been able to hide this for 11 years as well...nobody is safe

 

[Begborrowsteal]

He would definitely deserve to be left on his own. My friend is obviously very much in the wrong here too of course but she won't listen to a word I say. She says she understands why I feel the way I feel but because I'm not in it, I don't understand. She's had 2 pregnancy scares already. If it happened, then unless she had an abortion, it would blow right up in their faces. He's a rugby boy, so there's been many a time where he's told his gf he's going to rugby but sees my friend or goes to rugby and sees my friend after. He even tried to sleep with her on his gf's birthday he just has no respect whatsoever. I feel like my messages get worse the more I type. I know so much that it would be extremely easy to get his gf to believe me but I just can't get involved in that way. I've thought many times about telling her but have always talked myself out of it out respect to my friendship.

Do you not lose respect for your friend after all this though?

 

[Gossgirl12]

This is shocking! Can't you send an anonymous note or something? I'm actually shook that someone has been able to hide this for 11 years as well...nobody is safe

They speak via snapchat (says it all), easily hidden. They are also from different areas, he used to live in our area before he met her so that's how they know eachother. He moved to a different area when he met her so there's no mutual friends at all. I'm the only one who knows aside from them. She's told me so much that I don't think she's hidden anything because I've heard some shocking things. I also don't think he's been with anyone else but her because being in a long term relationship, you don't really get much free time and the free time he does have seems to always be spent with my friend. He speaks to her all day while he's working, they speak at night when his gf is in bed, and they see eachother quite often. I don't know how he's not been found out or how his gf hasn't been suspicious but they've never come close to being caught as far as I'm aware.

Do you not lose respect for your friend after all this though?

100%. However, I've been friends with her since I was 5. I'm now in my early thirties. She's been by my side through everything I've been through in my life as I have her. I've told her that it made me think a lot differently of her and I was very disappointed in her when I initially found out about this but she has never been anything but an amazing friend to me, she's part of my family, I'm part of hers. I couldn't lose her friendship over something that's not directly affecting my life.

 

[Vegasbaby33]

This is shocking! Can't you send an anonymous note or something? I'm actually shook that someone has been able to hide this for 11 years as well...nobody is safe

Honestly, I think once a person cheats, they've already crossed that line...and so it doesn't matter what other boundaries they cross- once they've disrespected their partner it doesn't seem to matter whether it's on their birthday, Valentine's weekend, Mother's Day, their wedding anniversary- all of which the guy involved with me did (didn't know at the time). The girlfriend probably wouldn't believe it anyway, probably stay with him, the friendship is then ruined and there's no coming back from that, so I understand the dilemma. Been there myself and seen others send anonymous messages and it's rarely believed anyway

They speak via snapchat (says it all), easily hidden. They are also from different areas, he used to live in our area before he met her so that's how they know eachother. He moved to a different area when he met her so there's no mutual friends at all. I'm the only one who knows aside from them. She's told me so much that I don't think she's hidden anything because I've heard some shocking things. I also don't think he's been with anyone else but her because being in a long term relationship, you don't really get much free time and the free time he does have seems to always be spent with my friend. He speaks to her all day while he's working, they speak at night when his gf is in bed, and they see eachother quite often. I don't know how he's not been found out or how his gf hasn't been suspicious but they've never come close to being caught as far as I'm aware.


100%. However, I've been friends with her since I was 5. I'm now in my early thirties. She's been by my side through everything I've been through in my life as I have her. I've told her that it made me think a lot differently of her and I was very disappointed in her when I initially found out about this but she has never been anything but an amazing friend to me, she's part of my family, I'm part of hers. I couldn't lose her friendship over something that's not directly affecting my life.

Also, being a good friend is about accepting each other as we are, warts and all, we might not support or agree with their choices but all we can do is be there when it all falls apart. I'd have no friends left if I judged them for all the bad decisions they'd made over the years it shouldn't affect your friendship in my view

 

[Gossgirl12]

Honestly, I think once a person cheats, they've already crossed that line...and so it doesn't matter what other boundaries they cross- once they've disrespected their partner it doesn't seem to matter whether it's on their birthday, Valentine's weekend, Mother's Day, their wedding anniversary- all of which the guy involved with me did (didn't know at the time). The girlfriend probably wouldn't believe it anyway, probably stay with him, the friendship is then ruined and there's no coming back from that, so I understand the dilemma. Been there myself and seen others send anonymous messages and it's rarely believed anyway

I agree actually. Any time of year is horrible when it involves cheating. However, I do think I'd be believed because I know things that nobody else could. I know when his dad passed away, I know that they met up in his dad's house after he passed (I won't go there much with that, I was raging) plus a lot more. To have invested all those years in to a relationship with someone you call 'your person', it would be devastating for her, I imagine it would destroy anyone. I can't be responsible for playing a part in that. I wish there were things my friend kept to herself but she has no filter, it just flows off her tongue to me as I'm the person she offloads her antics on.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

100%. However, I've been friends with her since I was 5. I'm now in my early thirties. She's been by my side through everything I've been through in my life as I have her. I've told her that it made me think a lot differently of her and I was very disappointed in her when I initially found out about this but she has never been anything but an amazing friend to me, she's part of my family, I'm part of hers. I couldn't lose her friendship over something that's not directly affecting my life.

Yeah I understand. I don't think I'd be able to be separate it all, I'm way too mouthy

Also, being a good friend is about accepting each other as we are, warts and all, we might not support or agree with their choices but all we can do is be there when it all falls apart. I'd have no friends left if I judged them for all the bad decisions they'd made over the years it shouldn't affect your friendship in my view

I guess this is where morals come into it and tolerance, which is all so so personal and individual. I'd probably snap at some point or find myself distancing from it all.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I can understand if you've been friends for so long but I don't think it's very fair to offload all this onto a friend. If I were @Gossgirl12 I would def be telling friend I don't want to hear it anymore!

 

[Vegasbaby33]

I agree actually. Any time of year is horrible when it involves cheating. However, I do think I'd be believed because I know things that nobody else could. I know when his dad passed away, I know that they met up in his dad's house after he passed (I won't go there much with that, I was raging) plus a lot more. To have invested all those years in to a relationship with someone you call 'your person', it would be devastating for her, I imagine it would destroy anyone. I can't be responsible for playing a part in that. I wish there were things my friend kept to herself but she has no filter, it just flows off her tongue to me as I'm the person she offloads her antics on.

Yeah nothing shocks me sadly when it comes to cheats, they'll do it anywhere on any occasion, every opportunity they get. Forgot go add with mine even on his son's 5th birthday...lowest of the low. I was actually sick when I found that out. How his wife forgave that I don't know. I guess as difficult as it is for you to hear, it's good that she feels she can confide in you and trusts you, shows you're a good friend.