Dealing with Death

[Rodneytrotter]

I know how you feel. My mum died very quickly after a cancer diagnosis and my dad replaced her within months so I dont feel I grieved properly.

I used to be scared to go to sleep in case I didnt wake up again but im fine with that now. These days I just worry that either myself or someone else will die.

I think once you've experience death of a loved one you realise how quickly things can change and so you're always on guard.

 

[Gembo]

I completely agree with Rodney above, when you’ve experienced loss it can leave you on high alert. I lost 4 people very close to me in the space of just over a year, two of which were my parents and I was with them when they passed. It still gives me nightmares and I can’t get it out of my head some days. I feel a lot more worried about death than I ever did before now that I’ve seen it, I get myself in a state sometimes worrying about my husband and other people I love, I feel absolutely terrified of anything happening to them and I feel like I’m more afraid of dying than I used to be. I only had a nightmare this morning that I was with my mum and then suddenly I was looking at her through a window from a distance and could see her dying and I was running to try and get to her but I couldn’t. My husband woke me up because I was crying in my sleep. I’m still really struggling with the losses I’ve had.

 

[Boredofthegram]

I lost my dad at the age of 53 9 years ago now. The grief comes in waves and sometimes knocks me for six. I hate the fact he never got to meet my son (who’s 6). A couple of years ago I lost 3 friends in the space of a few months, all in their early 30’s with young families, one to suicide and two to fast advancing cancer which wasn’t diagnosed until it was too late. It’s made me paranoid now of losing my mum or something happening to me and leaving my son without a parent. I think about it most days I’d say. I do listen to griefcast and take comfort in the fact that we aren’t alone in our grief.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Hi everyone,
My husband's dad died recently. I bought him this book and it is meant to be excellent https://www.waterstones.com/book/its-ok-that-youre-not-ok/megan-devine/9781622039074

Just an update to say I ordered this book from Amazon and have finished it already in two nights! What an incredible book!

 

[Dwightschrute]

Not sure what to say other than I’m sending love to you all. I lost my mum 8 months ago aged just 53 to cancer. I’m still in denial and I just miss her so much.

 

[Lalala12]

In a few weeks time it will be one year since my father’s death. He was only 61 and I’m finding the grieving process very ‘weird’. Considering it has been nearly 12 months my head just cannot process the fact that he has gone.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s 10 years ago and it slowly progressed until he also developed Lewy Body Dementia. The last few years of his life was spent living in a ward at a specialist hospital unit and then eventually he went into a home. The way my mother was treated by both the hospital and care home was awful (but that’s another story) and he suffered so much.

When he was admitted to hospital from the care home and we were told to prepare for the worst, due to covid we couldn’t visit him. It was only when we were told he was going to pass that day were we allowed to see him. My mother had to basically beg for me to be allowed to see him too which still makes me angry. When we said goodbye to him he was basically unaware of us being there and while we talked to him, I hate the fact that he potentially spent the previous week awake wondering where we were and why we didn’t visit him. He wasn’t even given a private room. We basically just had to close the curtain while we spoke to him surrounded by some very ill other people.

Eventually we got a phone call that night to say he had passed. It fills me with so much anger to think that he died alone, without someone to hold his hand. I think this just hasn’t helped my grieving process because I am still so angry about it.

I keep getting reminders that it’s Father’s Day soon and I hate it. I am only 28 and the fact that I will never see my dad again and his grandkids will never meet him is agony. I just hope this gets better

 

[Rosie glow]

I lost my grandad nearly a year ago he was sent in to hospital during the height of covid he was alone for six weeks without any of us being able to visit him just before he died one of his sons was allowed in for a few minutes to sit with him he wasnsnt awate he was there, my grandad was my world growing up we did so many things together, it still breaks my heart knowing he was on his own. At the end RIP all the Angel's we have lost

 

[tagliatelle]

I lost my brother when I was 14, he was 23. It was unexpected, he was killed by a car. I closed myself off for a good few months, stayed in my room while family gathered downstairs most nights all together. One thing that has shocked me is that I very rarely cry over him. I’ve felt so abnormal about that. You always imagine you’ll be in tears all the time but I just wasn’t. It’s been 12 years now. The pain I feel is indescribable but I don’t ever show it to anyone or even myself really. I’m a very private person and I don’t like to show emotion to even family. Time has helped massively and instead of thinking of his death and what happened, I now only ever think of the things we did together, those precious memories I have forever. I have to hope that I will see him again one day

My sister died by suicide almost five years ago. She was 22yo, I was in my mid-twenties and I was at home with my 12yo brother when it happened. My Dad and now husband found her in her bedroom. It was horrendous. It still haunts me. I hope I can get to where you are one day. When I think of her, all I can think about are the circumstances. It’s like I’ve lost another part of her because she is so defined by her death in my head. I’m the same, though - rarely cry, etc- I just feel resentful at how it has altered our family dynamics forever. Nothing is ever “good enough” for my parents because she’s not here, and that’s hard to accept.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I have never dealt with death well but then who does. I have never gotten over those that I have lost and I am in a constant state of anxiety worrying about one day losing my mum, dad, siblings, nephews, niece, partner, partners fam, even my cat. It really eats at me. Sorry if I go into a bit of a rant with this.

I lost my sister when I was 16 years old. I was at that awkward, brat age and I just wish I had been a nicer person back then. She found out she had cancer at 29 yrs of age.. a week later she was admitted to intensive care and she never woke up. I just wish we had so many more years together. I just know now we would have been the best of friends just like I am with my other siblings. The week before she died I remember her and I texting, she was telling me she would be ok and I was telling her how much I Loved her. She told me she would never leave me, she was determined to see me grow up, to do well in my exams etc but alas she didn't. I was in denial for a long time and told everyone she would come back because she had promised not to leave me. I really went off the rails when reality started to kick in. I am 31 now and I wonder where she is, is she watching over me.. I still remember her smile and her laugh, her smell.. I struggle sometimes and wonder did she really exist then the anger consumes me for only getting 16 years with her and no more than that.

I lost my best friend when I was 19. She took her own life at the age of 20. I was with her the night before and it will haunt me forever wondering if there is something else I could have done. I never quite understood it until a few years ago when I hit a very low place and tried to take my life. I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop.. and it wasn't until that point that I understood what kind of place she may have been in. I am still very close with her mum, her mum made a little memorial page for her and she always writes on it still to this day on the first day of every month. She was honestly the funniest, happiest person but clearly deep inside things weren't as they appeared and I will miss her forever.

Also age 19 my stepmum passed away from Ovarian Cancer. She was one of the strongest loveliest ladies. Part of her will always be with me because she gave me a little brother and sister who I will always love and protect.

I then lost my nanny who became very frail with Alzheimer's but I was so glad she was finally at peace because it was awful seeing her go through that. It was really hard losing her but it was equally as hard watching her cry wanting her mum. horrible disease.

2019 My grandad died, my first best friend in life and the most amazing person, at the grand old age of 89. Just a few months shy of his 90th birthday. I really struggled in the weeks after his death knowing I wouldn't see his smile again or listen to his stories. I can still hear his voice in my head but I worry one day I will forget the sound of his voice.

The reason I have mentioned all of the lose I have experience is because each one hit me differently. Course I miss and love them all but with each one, I was affected differently for example I was glad my nan was at peace as hard as it was.

You never get over the lose of a loved one but you learn to live your life - something they don't have the privilege of doing. You think of them often. Some days are easier than others. Some days the smallest thing makes you remember them. But memories are amazing.

I can't even remember what I did in the days or weeks followed but all I know is I got through it. Somehow.

Love to you all.

 

[Bingewatcher92]

On Monday it’s 2 years since I woke up to my other half having taken his own life in the night. I hoped that time would make it easier to cope with but I think this years been the hardest lead up. I’m really struggling. I was diagnosed with PTSD from it all a couple of months ago and I’m on the waiting list for therapy.
I just want my man back

 

[Bingewatcher92]

I can’t stop crying

 

[Jelly Bean]

I can’t stop crying

I'm not surprised what a terrible shock and trauma for you it must have been and still incredibly raw and recent.
I would say tomorrow will be hard but I bet every single day is hard.
Will you have people with you tomorrow?
I'm so so sorry. It is just so awful and so unfair

 

[CosmicCreepers]

I lost my Grandma in 2015. She had a lot of illnesses but the final straw was double pneumonia, I think renal failure too. I was so so close to her and not a day goes by when I don’t think about her. We were told to prepare for the end so it wasn’t sudden. I worry so much about my parents passing away, cannot imagine life without my Mum. I’m so sorry to everyone on here, why does life have to be so hard and why do we feel such pain over the inevitable? It’s heartbreaking.

 

[HalloweenJack74]

I find death so strange, it's like a song just prematurely ending. It's the greatest tragedy of being born - the fact we have to die someday.

I've lost loved ones, and even pets. And it's upsetting for a short while, but y'know? I just find it so incomprehensible, it fucks with me a bit.

 

[square_spoon]

It's the one thing I wish us as humans had evolved to deal with better. I lost both my parents pretty close together a few years ago and I don't think I'll ever be the same but it has eased over time and there are more good memories than grief for me now. If anyone is interested I found visiting a Death Cafe really helped (there's more information on them here) as none of my friends could understand what I'd been through and it was so comforting to be surrounded by people who each had a story.

I read a lovely quote that there are only two days in our entire lives that will be less than 24 hours for us, one is the day we're born and the other is the day we die. I try to look at death as a closure of a life well lived, as opposed to something to dread. Sometimes it works.

 

[CBellanna]

I can’t stop crying

I am so so sorry for your loss, I want to send the biggest hug I can through the screen. I really hope you'll be ok. Good on you for accepting and reaching out for help, I can't imagine how you feel every night and every day. I do hope one day you will get to move on and be happy again.

 

[Lalla]

Not sure what to say other than I’m sending love to you all. I lost my mum 8 months ago aged just 53 to cancer. I’m still in denial and I just miss her so much.

This is going to sound so trite but it will get better. You'll always miss her, but the grief gets a little less painful and a little easier to deal with as time passes. It will still hurt, but that unbearable pain will lessen, eventually, I promise.

My mum died from cancer aged 54 in 1994. Honestly, I still miss her every day, but I'm almost used to the missing her part, I do still cry from time to time. She (and my dad, who died 3 years later) missed out on my children, seeing me establish a career, buy my own home. I'm so sad for them at what they missed, and for my children who lost out on 2 amazing people who would have been fantastic grandparents. I'm an only child too, and my grandparents died long ago, so I have no one who remembers stuff from my childhood. I've had a really good life in many ways but losing my parents young has cast a shadow over everything.

A few years ago a friend of mine died. We were best friends in our early 20s but drifted apart and I hadn't spoken to her in a very long time (nearly 20 years). I'd always planned to get back in touch eventually - I never felt good enough to be her friend (she seemed to have the perfect life - house in the country, adoring and v wealthy husband, children, pets etc) and I was waiting til I was thinner/richer/ happier/ had more to offer. Now I wish I hadn't wasted all that time. It's about 3 years since I found out and I still can't quite believe I'll never get to speak to her again. It's the regret which is hardest to deal with.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I can’t stop crying

I am so unbelievably sorry to read this, you poor thing. I can't imagine how I would feel if that were my partner. Hopefully your partner is somewhere now at peace and free from any pain he may have been going through. Our minds can be scary places at times. Sending you so many virtual hugs. I hope that one day you find some peace lovely xo

 

[Grigiogirls]

couldn't find a more specific thread to post this in as it's not human death related, so hope this is ok. Does/has anyone struggle coping with the death of animals? We lost our family dog of 14 years last Easter which was incredibly traumatic as we were in the middle of the pandemic - we weren't able to say goodbye to him, only drop him off at the vets and watch them take him away whilst not being allowed to leave the car. Recently, more noticeably after Christmas time, I have been really effected by the death of any animal that I see or hear of, to the point where I will lose sleep thinking of how much they must have been in pain or their families etc, to the point where I get very upset if I even see of animals going missing. I'm wondering if this could be related to the death of my dog, but was wondering if anyone else finds it extremely hard to cope with the death of animals, even though they aren't yours?

 

[IsabellaT]

I still haven’t grieved properly.

I lost my twin sister just over 2 years ago after a failed bone marrow transplant for leukaemia. She was first diagnosed at 6 and had every treatment under the sun but we thought this might work because I was a perfect match for her. I had someone the other day call me by her name and I was a mess. I went a little (a lot) off the rails when she first died and that’s how I ended up 16 with a baby but I don’t do very well with talking about what happened.