Dealing with Death

[HelloStereo]

My mum passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow. She was only 53 and I am 26. We were as close as you could possibly be.
She was diagnosed with cancer last year but told she got the all clear this January. During lockdown she went for a routine scan and found it had come back. That was in May and things went downhill rapidly.

I miss her so much already. I can’t imagine my life without her and knowing she won’t be there at my wedding or when I have kids is crippling me.
I have waves of feeling okay but then I get hit by intense and overwhelming grief.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated from those of you who have gone through similar.

Love to everyone going through tough times.

I'm really to hear that. 53 is so young and you must miss her so much. I've not gone through similar with my own parents but my ex-boyfriend lost his mum to cancer when she was in her 50s and I remember thinking exactly how you did with regards to what she'd miss out on.

I'm not really sure what advice to give you as I am not sure how much anything I would say would help right now. But if you ever wanted to talk I am always at the other end of a reply message.

 

[littlepup]

Something amazing to come out of this was after losing his dad my partner realised that he wanted a child and a family of his own, he was always adamant that children weren’t on the agenda for him despite being an amazing step dad to my young son. After many months of trying, I am now pregnant and our baby is due the day after his dads birthday in May 2021. I truly believe this baby is a gift from heaven and will be watched over by it’s grandad. I’m a huge believe in things like that.

I’m due my first child (I’m quite mature) a year and two days to the day my dad passed. It’s also a week before his birthday.
I’d have conceived a few days before my Mum’s Bday. They weren’t together but the best of friends. I like to think it was a gift to us both.

The words to Death is nothing at all Help me. It’s what I believe I suppose.

If there’s one thing I could say to people is to remember your person lived rather than that they died. Try to remember the birthdays they were there for, how you celebrated and your happiness rather, not that they won’t be there for then next and so on. When I think of all the things my dad will miss it’s overwhelming, uncontrollable, consuming grief. I have to force myself fo think instead of the things he was around for with happiness and it helps me to breath again.

 

[MrsDoyle’sScones]

To anyone who’s going through a difficult time because of grief, have a think about doing this: write a letter to your lost loved one, just one, and when it’s done, burn it (or dispose in a safe way).


It’s a hard task, but there’s something cathartic about putting your feelings on paper - you begin to make sense of them. Emotions will run high while writing, so evaluate whether you think it’d be useful to have someone else in the room with you. You might want to include how you felt when your loved one passed away, unsaid words, memories or what you hope for in the future. If writing isn’t fitting for you, maybe think about creating art to represent your message.

When you’re finished, dispose of the letter by burning it if this is feasible. It represents a finality, or a stepping stone to the next part of dealing with your grief. It’s not a quick or magic fix by any means, but it can help in the long-term. Make sure you self-care afterwards with the things that make you happy.

If anyone out there is struggling, you can get advice or counselling from dedicated charities for bereavement, like Cruse: https://www.cruse.org.uk/.

 

[EvieBaby]

My mum passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow. She was only 53 and I am 26. We were as close as you could possibly be.
She was diagnosed with cancer last year but told she got the all clear this January. During lockdown she went for a routine scan and found it had come back. That was in May and things went downhill rapidly.

I miss her so much already. I can’t imagine my life without her and knowing she won’t be there at my wedding or when I have kids is crippling me.
I have waves of feeling okay but then I get hit by intense and overwhelming grief.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated from those of you who have gone through similar.

Love to everyone going through tough times.

So sorry to hear this. Grief does come in waves at the most awful times and I think the best advice is to know that's completely normal and don't try to suppress it. I'm really thinking of you

 

[littlepup]

With regard to grief coming in waves, below is a post from user Gsnow on reddit a long. Time ago which went semi vital. It might be interesting to some.

 

[EvieBaby]

With regard to grief coming in waves, below is a post from user Gsnow on reddit a long. Time ago which went semi vital. It might be interesting to some.
View attachment 272931
View attachment 272932

Absolutely love this. Thanks for sharing xx

 

[Upintheair83]

Just been reading this thread again as I’m so terrified of death- like many of you, I’m not scared of dying myself, but of my loved ones dying. I really can’t imagine how I will cope when anything happens to my parents. Iv lost a few family members- all my grandparents and my beloved Great Aunty who I call my nan- when she died my life was never the same again and I still think about her everyday and it’s been 18 years. I had a cousin die when he was 28 and so it has touched my life. But I’m terrified of anything happening to my parents. When I go and stay at theirs I can never sleep well because I’m always listening out if they are ok. I know that sounds so silly but I really panic about it. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should get some help because it’s quite overwhelming at tines, but reading this reminds me that we all have these kind of fears. Covid had made me think more about death and this last week a young mother in my village died suddenly leaving her 4 children, and it’s been playing on my mind as I knew her. we weren’t friends but it’s a small village and she was of similar age to me and I can’t get it out of my head. And then today I heard the sad news that one of our neighbours passed yday- he was 47 and had a wife and 3 children.
I just can’t imagine what their families must feel. life is just so cruel at times. It’s something I can’t get my head around. Such sadness and loss.
Makes me realise even more that life is to be lived and enjoyed with those we love. That really nothing else matters does it? As long as you have people you love around you and cherish them when you can. Grief really is the price we pay for loving people and we have to accept that it goes hand in hand sending love to everyone on here who has lost someone special and who live with grief. My love to you xxx

 

[Allthevest20]

My mum passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow. She was only 53 and I am 26. We were as close as you could possibly be.
She was diagnosed with cancer last year but told she got the all clear this January. During lockdown she went for a routine scan and found it had come back. That was in May and things went downhill rapidly.

I miss her so much already. I can’t imagine my life without her and knowing she won’t be there at my wedding or when I have kids is crippling me.
I have waves of feeling okay but then I get hit by intense and overwhelming grief.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated from those of you who have gone through similar.

Love to everyone going through tough times.

Im so sorry for your loss I'm 3 years down the road from you (Mum was 59 and me 28) and the first year was very strange. My coping mechanisms were to plan things (which I know this year is harder) and I had things made such as a teddy from her clothing and a ring with some of her ashes which give me huge comfort.

Time doesn't heal per se as you'll never ever forget her. My Mum is on my mind everyday but it does get easier - I put my name on the wait list for cruse just after she died and by time I got an appointment I felt ok (about a year later). The firsts I dread alot but the anticipation of them was worse than the days. I made sure I remembered her in my way and I still do.

You'll still be numb/angry at the moment. Take time for you. Don't bottle anything - you wanna cry, Then you cry. You wanna scream then you scream. Macmillan forum is pretty good as there's a bereaved relatives Group there I found very comforting as we had been members during her diagnosis and treatment journey and then even those people really helped me get though it.

Feel welcome to message or tag me if you need to. Everyone's grief is personal. I felt like I should have been crying everyday and I wasn't but that was just me. I have tears now but it's not as frequent. You will get there and you will make her so so proud x

 

[Dwightschrute]

Im so sorry for your loss I'm 3 years down the road from you (Mum was 59 and me 28) and the first year was very strange. My coping mechanisms were to plan things (which I know this year is harder) and I had things made such as a teddy from her clothing and a ring with some of her ashes which give me huge comfort.

Time doesn't heal per se as you'll never ever forget her. My Mum is on my mind everyday but it does get easier - I put my name on the wait list for cruse just after she died and by time I got an appointment I felt ok (about a year later). The firsts I dread alot but the anticipation of them was worse than the days. I made sure I remembered her in my way and I still do.

You'll still be numb/angry at the moment. Take time for you. Don't bottle anything - you wanna cry, Then you cry. You wanna scream then you scream. Macmillan forum is pretty good as there's a bereaved relatives Group there I found very comforting as we had been members during her diagnosis and treatment journey and then even those people really helped me get though it.

Feel welcome to message or tag me if you need to. Everyone's grief is personal. I felt like I should have been crying everyday and I wasn't but that was just me. I have tears now but it's not as frequent. You will get there and you will make her so so proud x

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this
Your message came just at the right time when I needed it. Your advice is great and I was already thinking of doing both the memory teddy and ring so I think I’ll look into that tomorrow!
Love to you too, it’s nice knowing we’re not alone in this xx

 

[Allthevest20]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this
Your message came just at the right time when I needed it. Your advice is great and I was already thinking of doing both the memory teddy and ring so I think I’ll look into that tomorrow!
Love to you too, it’s nice knowing we’re not alone in this xx

You're welcome and it's not the best club to be part of but there are a few of us lurking around so there is support for the younger bereaved people (but not enough IMO as it's either based at children or much older people who've lost someone - us 20 something's have to stick together)
Jewellery wise I went with a jeweller called Chris Parry - I liked his designs more than the generic companies for specific memorial jewellery. Bears I used both "Bear in Mind Keepsakes" and "Memory Ted's" on Facebook just to share a couple of ideas. Having these did give me something to focus on too. X

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

The first death I experienced was my Grandad, he lived with us. He suffered with dementia so he didn't really speak to us very much as he lived in his own world. He was very elderly so when he died It was almost a release for him. Obviously, we were all very upset but there was no shock in a 92yr old passing away. We are quite a pragmatic family, death is one of the only certainties in life. However, when my father died I was bereft. He was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer, the result of heavy drinking (armed forces lifestyle) and uncontrolled diabetes. He was diagnosed on the 8th Feb 2018, he asked his doctors if he would see his birthday on 10 March, they told him they didn't know. He deteriorated quite quickly but I knew he wanted to reach his birthday. About 10 days before his birthday he asked me how old he was, I said you are still 75, you've got 10 days left till your birthday. On the day of his birthday he had been heavily sedated with midazolam (to prevent terminal restlessness) but we had a little party for him and gave him cards. I read them all out to him, kissed him and told him he had reached his goal. I got a call from his nurse later that evening telling me she thought he was close to death and if I wanted to be with him I should get there soon. We got there, he watched as we entered his room, he saw that we were all there and he passed away within 20 minutes of us getting there, exactly 76 years after he was born. It has given me much comfort that he reached his goal and that he chose to spend his final moments with us. My dad's death affected me greatly, he was always larger than life and very present in every moment, to lose him was absolutely awful but I know he wanted to go, he was ready. We laughed and cried with him so much in that last month, even though he was quite often not lucid he cracked jokes and tried to make us laugh. I miss him but he's still with me, because I will always feel the love he had for me. I re-live conversations and feelings and moments I had with him so he will always live within me. A lot of my friends and my boyfriend thought I might fall apart when he passed away but as I said before, death is a certainty, there's no getting away from it, if we know love, we know pain and I would rather have had love in my life than never feel pain or grief.

 

[Dwightschrute]

A lot of my friends and my boyfriend thought I might fall apart when he passed away but as I said before, death is a certainty, there's no getting away from it, if we know love, we know pain and I would rather have had love in my life than never feel pain or grief.

Beautifully said.
Sending you love x

 

[Gloria Roscoe]

Not a great subject I know but I’m hoping that this thread will give people the opportunity to express emotions that may be difficult to say aloud but easier to type.

I lost my grandad 7 years ago and I’ve never quite been able to come to terms with it. I find it so awful that he is still gone and will never be back. It was a very sudden death, no illness at all. I just went round one day and he did answer the door. I used a key and he has collapsed upstairs . A short stay in hospital and be passed away. The worst bit was never being able to say goodbye and being so close to someone (he was a total legend) and all of a sudden they are gone. Absolutely awful.

Sorry to hear of your loss. Grief is awful. I know this might sound harsh, but you will never get over it. Bereavement is something that lives with us, like bonion. You do become better able to live a happy life as time goes on. My mother died four years ago and the grief broke me. However, I have started to live my life again.

I am sure your granfather would want you to live your life, and enjoy it. But yes, there are days when grief hits you like a ton of bricks, even years afterwards. You can't fight bereavement, you have to accept that it is there and try and do something positive to boost your mood, like listening to music or watching a film that makes you laugh.

I take it you attended his funeral or memorial. That is a way of saying goodbye, so really, you did say goodbye. He will have known how much you loved him.

I find it helps talking to other people who have been through bereavement.

I hope you find my input helpful.

 

[Bingewatcher92]

I lost my fiancé (28) 17 months ago to suicide. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again he was my world. It was 13 weeks before our wedding day.

 

[Gloria Roscoe]

I lost my fiancé (28) 17 months ago to suicide. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again he was my world. It was 13 weeks before our wedding day.

That is awful. I am so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how devestating that must be. Don't be afraid to open up to people. I imagine you havw a lot of thoughts going through your mind.

I find that you are never the same again after a bereavement, but you can move forward with your life. It isn't easy and takes time but you do eventually look back on memories and smile, when it used to he heartbreaking to even think about the person who passed.

 

[Gembo]

I lost my fiancé (28) 17 months ago to suicide. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again he was my world. It was 13 weeks before our wedding day.

I am so sorry for your loss, there are no adequate words to offer you. I hope you are surrounded by supportive and loving people x

 

[lozzapaloozza]

I don’t know why I’m saying this here but I just really miss my mum Just wanted anyone that might be feeling the same way to see this and know they aren’t alone Xxx

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I don’t know why I’m saying this here but I just really miss my mum Just wanted anyone that might be feeling the same way to see this and know they aren’t alone Xxx

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mum’s death. It’s a long time since she passed but I miss her and need her now more than ever. Sending you love @lozzapaloozza

 

[openbook1]

Hi everyone,
My husband's dad died recently. I bought him this book and it is meant to be excellent https://www.waterstones.com/book/its-ok-that-youre-not-ok/megan-devine/9781622039074

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mum’s death. It’s a long time since she passed but I miss her and need her now more than ever. Sending you love @lozzapaloozza

I hope you managed to get through the day okay and had lots of happy memories to look back on and celebrate her life. Sending love to you too

Hi everyone,
My husband's dad died recently. I bought him this book and it is meant to be excellent https://www.waterstones.com/book/its-ok-that-youre-not-ok/megan-devine/9781622039074

Thank you for the recommendation