Dealing with Death

[Jelly Bean]

It’s coming up to two years since I lost my Dad. 2 years ago this month and I just feel like I’m replaying the whole month on loop, remembering all the things that happened from him telling me he wasn’t sick and it wasn’t cancer and whatever was making him poorly would be treatable, to him just gradually getting worse, to him collapsing at home and then me having to call an ambulance for him and going from taking him to hospital not knowing anything to find out he had cancer and dying basically an hour and a half after finding that out. It’s tough and i’m not sure I’m okay deep down, but this month is so busy for me that i’m just like idk, overwhelmed? can sense myself breaking down.

Sometimes I dream about my Dad and more often than not it’s that I dream that he comes back to life, that he’s alive after all this time and every time I say “but i thought you died” and he hasn’t and it plays on my mind in these dreams, if that makes sense. I’ve never told anyone that.

The whole thing with your dad sounds incredibly traumatic. I'm not surprised it all comes flooding back at a significant anniversary.
I wish I could offer good advice but it sounds so similar to my experience with Mum (who died last year, also cancer, also getting iller and then dying at home relatively quickly) and I still honestly don't know which way is up.
You probably aren't OK deep down and two years is absolutely nothing. It is like a deep raw wound that to the outside world may look alright but you know is still nowhere near healed.
Have you tried bereavement counselling, even over the phone? I haven't, but really think I will (as there are just certain things and images in my head I can't get past).
Good luck. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Sugarbee123]

I lost my nanny (great grandma) when I was 21, that was the first person I’d lost, my other great grandma died when I was younger so that didn’t really effect me. Losing my nanny was a lot harder to deal with than I thought it would be, she was on palliative care so I knew she was dying, the last two weeks I went to see her every day and every day I went to the hospital I thought god she couldn’t look any worse than this but she would always look worse the next day, I think seeing her slowly die every day really hit me hard she kept saying ‘I’m so afraid’ and it broke my heart but when she died I did feel relieved because she wasn’t in pain anymore. My step dad committed suicide last November and im not even slightly over that, when I think of my nanny I think of the happy times we spent together when I think my of stepdad I get a physical pain across my chest and I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me and it hits me all over again that morning I got the call from my mum saying ‘he’s dead, he’s dead’ I hung up the phone and waited outside from my husband to come back from walking the dogs and I honestly felt the world had stopped I still feel all those feelings and hear those words, I miss him so much I still cry when I talk about him I think about him all the time, sometimes I do think about the happy times but most of the time the only way I can describe it is like a dark fog that comes in my head and I don’t know if it’s because it’s obviously not a natural way to die and so tragic and dark I don’t know. I just miss him so much I wish I could have helped him aaaannnd now I’m angry at myself for reading this thread when I’ve just applied my fake tan

 

[HoGi]

Recently got back from visiting some of my other half's family. His dad is so rude, always has to be right and never has a good word to say about anything or anyone. He is generally a horrible person and noone enjoys his company.

I have been so sad the past few days as all I keep thinking is why is he alive making everyone around him miserable when my wonderful, amazing, funniest, most caring, loving dad is dead. My dad bought joy to people and was taken far too soon first by dementia then in death and it is so so cruel.

It is his birthday on Wednesday and I just want to give him a hug and hear him say I love you once more.

 

[Dwightschrute]

Recently got back from visiting some of my other half's family. His dad is so rude, always has to be right and never has a good word to say about anything or anyone. He is generally a horrible person and noone enjoys his company.

I have been so sad the past few days as all I keep thinking is why is he alive making everyone around him miserable when my wonderful, amazing, funniest, most caring, loving dad is dead. My dad bought joy to people and was taken far too soon first by dementia then in death and it is so so cruel.

It is his birthday on Wednesday and I just want to give him a hug and hear him say I love you once more.

First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum last September and I am not okay.

One of the only reassuring thoughts I have is something my boyfriend said to me the day she passed away. Which was ‘at least you had 26 years of having the best, most loving mum ever. Some people have 90+ years of a bad parent with a hard relationship’. It’s not much comfort I know but honestly I’d pick my short time I had with my wonderful mum than a lifetime with a bad one.

 

[HoGi]

First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum last September and I am not okay.

One of the only reassuring thoughts I have is something my boyfriend said to me the day she passed away. Which was ‘at least you had 26 years of having the best, most loving mum ever. Some people have 90+ years of a bad parent with a hard relationship’. It’s not much comfort I know but honestly I’d pick my short time I had with my wonderful mum than a lifetime with a bad one.

Thank you. I needed that

 

[tagliatelle]

You absolutely DID NOT fail. Please don’t look at it that way. Like I said earlier, she clearly wanted to do this. As hard as that is to comprehend, you can’t talk or coax someone out of something if they are determined to make it happen. You might succeed once, but that won’t stop them trying again. So, your family are absolutely not the right people for you to talk to. Even more reason that you need to try and get some counselling, where you can talk open and honestly about your fears, regrets, anger and sadness to a person who has no vested interest other than your welfare. The ‘fallen angel’ narrative is so frustrating I know. I adored my father and he was a good man, but by God did he also have faults, like we all do. It’s important that you remember all sides of a person, so that you don’t continue to see everyone as a suicide risk. We are all infallible and can only do so much to support others, but you need some self love right now and to focus on getting some support for you. You could very well have PTSD yourself. It’s a lot more common than people realise. Let your family get on with it for now. You need to focus on you. No one can help others if they are struggling themselves.

Thank you. Sorry, I haven’t known how to respond. I think I probably do have some PTSD - I panic when I see ambulances on blue lights, ffs. I’ve always focused on others so it’s hard to switch to myself.

 

[Dwightschrute]

Thank you. Sorry, I haven’t known how to respond. I think I probably do have some PTSD - I panic when I see ambulances on blue lights, ffs. I’ve always focused on others so it’s hard to switch to myself.

I think it does sound likely you have some sort of PTSD. Someone very close to me had PTSD after seeing their husband die and I would really recommend seeing a therapist or similar soon as it can just build up and get very bad over time. Lots of love to you

 

[Abongo]

I lost my uncle to covid last year. He was only 51. It has torn my family apart. He was the loveliest, funniest most genuine man I’ve ever met.
He had so much bad luck and we always used to say “your day will come it’s all going to be worth while” I held on to “things will be alright in the end and if it’s not alright it’s not the end” mentality for him. Long story short he died within the space of 10 days.
My nana, his mum, has never recovered. My dad, his brother, is going out of control and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t go one day without thinking about him and how he should still be here. He never got his happy ending and that will never leave me.
All my nana wanted for him was to have a happy ending and instead he just died. It’s almost a year and the pain is too much.
I can’t grieve to my family as I feel they have more grieving rights than me. I’m really struggling with this.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I lost my uncle to covid last year. He was only 51. It has torn my family apart. He was the loveliest, funniest most genuine man I’ve ever met.
He had so much bad luck and we always used to say “your day will come it’s all going to be worth while” I held on to “things will be alright in the end and if it’s not alright it’s not the end” mentality for him. Long story short he died within the space of 10 days.
My nana, his mum, has never recovered. My dad, his brother, is going out of control and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t go one day without thinking about him and how he should still be here. He never got his happy ending and that will never leave me.
All my nana wanted for him was to have a happy ending and instead he just died. It’s almost a year and the pain is too much.
I can’t grieve to my family as I feel they have more grieving rights than me. I’m really struggling with this.

Abongo, I could cry for you. Things are still so raw - I don’t think a year when it comes to a sudden death is like a normal year. Your Uncle sounds like a lovely man who deserved his happy ending.

It’s so hard to know what to do when you’re grieving yourself and seeing those who are normally so strong broken. I don’t have any answers I’m afraid but I’m sure your Dad and Nana will benefit from opportunities to talk about him. There’s bound to be some anger too, why was he taken and so suddenly. There are good apps and websites too if you feel more professional help is needed, for any of you.

This time of year is the absolute worst when you’re feeling low. Take it one day at a time and don’t put yourself under pressure to do anything. Maybe if your Dad and Nana feel up to it you can go somewhere special to you all on Christmas Day and put some flowers or something down.

I love your posts, I totally get your sense of humour! I use Tattle as an escape from stuff and to switch off from everything else and your posts definitely help that. Sending you and your family lots of love

 

[Abongo]

Abongo, I could cry for you. Things are still so raw - I don’t think a year when it comes to a sudden death is like a normal year. Your Uncle sounds like a lovely man who deserved his happy ending.

It’s so hard to know what to do when you’re grieving yourself and seeing those who are normally so strong broken. I don’t have any answers I’m afraid but I’m sure your Dad and Nana will benefit from opportunities to talk about him. There’s bound to be some anger too, why was he taken and so suddenly. There are good apps and websites too if you feel more professional help is needed, for any of you.

This time of year is the absolute worst when you’re feeling low. Take it one day at a time and don’t put yourself under pressure to do anything. Maybe if your Dad and Nana feel up to it you can go somewhere special to you all on Christmas Day and put some flowers or something down.

I love your posts, I totally get your sense of humour! I use Tattle as an escape from stuff and to switch off from everything else and your posts definitely help that. Sending you and your family lots of love

Len, thank you it’s coming up to his anniversary and I don’t know what to do. I still have his work jacket hung up with my coats just to feel close to him. I dream about him every other week and they’re never really sad/weird dreams. Just dreams where he’s there and im hugging him telling him I love and miss him. He was like a dad to me and always was. Honestly, if you knew him you’d know what I mean. Such a beautiful soul and I’m always riddled with grief.
this site gets a bad rep but like you id go insane without it

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Oh @Abongo, I cried reading your post. I can feel your pain. I’m so, so sorry. It sounds like an absolutely devastating loss for you all. Grief is so complicated and unique —it’s difficult sometimes to really make peace with how you’re feeling, as your emotions are all over the place. I hope things get better for you and the 1 year anniversary isn’t too bad

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Len, thank you it’s coming up to his anniversary and I don’t know what to do. I still have his work jacket hung up with my coats just to feel close to him. I dream about him every other week and they’re never really sad/weird dreams. Just dreams where he’s there and im hugging him telling him I love and miss him. He was like a dad to me and always was. Honestly, if you knew him you’d know what I mean. Such a beautiful soul and I’m always riddled with grief.
this site gets a bad rep but like you id go insane without it

I don’t like to think that when people pass on there’s just nothing, but that’s a totally personal belief. Maybe your uncle is coming through to let you know that he’s ok and he’s looking out for you all.

You’ll feel like you’re struggling but I bet he’s so proud of how you’re coping! We never see our strength ourselves. Things do get easier, I promise you that.

He sounds like a very special man who may have been unlucky in some areas but not when it came to his family

 

[Abongo]

Oh @Abongo, I cried reading your post. I can feel your pain. I’m so, so sorry. It sounds like an absolutely devastating loss for you all. Grief is so complicated and unique —it’s difficult sometimes to really make peace with how you’re feeling, as your emotions are all over the place. I hope things get better for you and the 1 year anniversary isn’t too bad

Thank you so much for replying.
It’s just so hard and I know I’m not the only one grieving, but it doesn’t make it easier if that makes sense.

@LennyBriscoe absolutely. That’s what I feel too.
I hope that’s what it is as we had such a close bond. Everyone in the family always said me and him just clicked and had our own little world. I’ve always adored him and his pic is still my phone screensaver.
I have even messeged him knowing he won’t reply
But it gave me comfort. Just for a second.
Thank you so much. If you’d like to add me on Instagram you most certainly can.

 

[omgucnt]

@Abongo I totally get what you mean about ‘grieving rights’, my ex fiancée died two months ago and I feel so sad, devastated in a way because of the unfairness.
He was only 36.
Do I even have a right to feel sad?
Me and him haven’t spoken for years (he got into heroin) but I’ve cried so many tears these past few months.
I always thought I’d have more time to talk to him/ talk over feelings, things that happened etc.
I want to ask his parents what happened/ the exact date it happened etc but it seems wrong to do so, I just sent my sincere condolences.

 

[Abongo]

@Abongo I totally get what you mean about ‘grieving rights’, my ex fiancée died two months ago and I feel so sad, devastated in a way because of the unfairness.
He was only 36.
Do I even have a right to feel sad?
Me and him haven’t spoken for years but I’ve cried so many tears these past few months.
I always thought I’d have more time to talk to him/ talk over feelings, things that happened etc.
I want to ask his parents what happened/ the exact date it happened etc but it seems wrong to do so, I just sent my sincere condolences.

Omg I’m so sorry that is horrendous.
mint doesn't matter how long ago you split you were still at some point a huge part of eachothers lives. I think you have every right to ask. I hope you’re able to reach out and get some answers.

 

[tagliatelle]

You absolutely DID NOT fail. Please don’t look at it that way. Like I said earlier, she clearly wanted to do this. As hard as that is to comprehend, you can’t talk or coax someone out of something if they are determined to make it happen. You might succeed once, but that won’t stop them trying again. So, your family are absolutely not the right people for you to talk to. Even more reason that you need to try and get some counselling, where you can talk open and honestly about your fears, regrets, anger and sadness to a person who has no vested interest other than your welfare. The ‘fallen angel’ narrative is so frustrating I know. I adored my father and he was a good man, but by God did he also have faults, like we all do. It’s important that you remember all sides of a person, so that you don’t continue to see everyone as a suicide risk. We are all infallible and can only do so much to support others, but you need some self love right now and to focus on getting some support for you. You could very well have PTSD yourself. It’s a lot more common than people realise. Let your family get on with it for now. You need to focus on you. No one can help others if they are struggling themselves.

I just logged into Tattle and saw someone had reacted to my post, which led me back to your reply.

I can’t remember if I ever did reply, but this was so kind, compassionate and helpful - thank you. I still struggle with all the same things but I think about your post and remember that my reactions are normal and that, even though others have posthumously beatified her, my sister was flawed, which really helps me to deal with the resentment I have towards my parents.

 

[Itsmedoctortea]

Sending love to you all
Both my grandparents on my dads side had passed before i was born so i never got to meet them.
I lost both my brother and granda within a month of each other when i was 9.
I lost my best friend when i was 16.
I lost my granny when i was 21
I've lost numerous aunts and uncles over the years (my dads side big family)
We lost my husband's brother in 2018
Our 14year old dog in 2019

Gone from our sight,
but never our memories.
Gone from our touch,
but never our hearts.

 

[CosmicCreepers]

My Grandad passed away today aged 85 at 8:25am. A massive shock to us all but he died peacefully. I am so worried about my Mum but she has said he would want us to carry on and be happy. I’ve never understood why we have to feel grief and pain when death is a part of life.

 

[Lilu22]

This morning at work, we discovered one of our colleagues had very unexpectedly passed away in the night. Safe to say all of us were stunned and struggled to understand and comprehend what we were being told. It was my first experience with dealing with death (of a person) and I just felt so numb. Finding this thread has brought me some sort of comfort today

 

[PumpkinKing]

It's 2 years today since my younger sister took her own life and I just need somewhere to dump my feelings.
I'm struggling today but at the same time I still don't feel like I've fully accepted it. It was such a big shock etc that I still can't comprehend how I'll never see her beautiful face and smile. There's still a bit of anger, how could she leave us, my dad's a broken man. I so wanted to live my life for her and tackle my own depression but the opposite has happened. I'm an unhappy mess and I'll never be the same person.
Sorry for my slight rambling, I've had a few much needed drinks.