Dealing with Death

[Dwightschrute]

A great quote I love that helps me through grief is -

“Look at the stars – how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago.
Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies”
No Matter What by Debi Gliori

 

[Say What]

My grandad died in 2013 and it broke my heart. I had to have counselling because I was halfway through university and I had stopped functioning. I have photos of him and often talk to him and think of him. It sounds odd but it’s comforting because I believe he’s still there. Last year was tough with various family issues. My mother in law died after a 3 year battle with cancer and I was there when she died. Grief is a strange journey and at times I have felt angry, I have felt extreme sadness and yet at other times, I felt relief. I often wish I could go back to better times and live in those moments but life marches on and you have to move with it for your own sake and those around you. I feel for some of you on here because I understand some of the pain you share- sending love to you all.

 

[Rxt156]

Thank you everyone for your touching stories. There is some slight comfort in knowing that we’re not the only ones dealing with it.

I have taken part in sport since a young age and my coach passed away recently. It may sound silly but he has been such a big part of my life for 15+ years, I saw him multiple times a week and he was such a nice man and had an incredible impact on my life since I was so young. He had a sudden illness and it was such a shock that I still haven’t really come to terms with it. I can’t believe he’s not here after everything he’s taught me and everything he’s done for me. He was more than just a sports coach. I’d call him a friend and I miss him every day.

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

Have just stumbled across this thread and read every single word of your stories, I sincerely hope all of you find eventual peace in your journeys of grief. Sending love and warmth to you all.

I am lucky enough to have never lost anyone until this year. My grandad passed in February exactly 2 weeks after my little boy was born, it was the most intense and emotional 2 weeks of my life dealing with post partum hormones and awful c-section recovery then sudden grief. He had been terminal with cancer for 6 years then suddenly after Christmas he became seriously unwell and passed at the end of February just 2 days after meeting his youngest great grandson. Seeing him die still haunts me every single day, I get flashbacks of watching him struggle to breathe wearing a mask and then peacefully slipping away. I thank my lucky stars every day we got to be there with him, he wouldn’t have wanted anything more but my goodness, I would do anything to erase that night from my mind. He was the most amazing man, literally thought he was magic and I miss him beyond words every single day even though deep down I knew he wanted to go for a very long time. I think his death affects me more than I let on, my relationship has certainly taken a battering.

An extremely close great Aunt of mine has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and has just weeks left. I genuinely thought she was one of those people who would be immortal, at 84 she was still doing yoga and seeing her friends for lunch most days. She won’t let us visit in fear that it will be too hard but the thought of never seeing her again crushes me more than I think I can deal with. She made our childhoods what they were, the most generous and special lady I could ever have hoped to have had in my life. Grief is such a rollercoaster, I find myself grieving her even though she is still with us. Sometimes I’d just really love to get off that rollercoaster though for one second just so I can breathe again. Sending love to you all Xx

 

[GiftedNotFree]

I lost my sister to suicide 3 weeks ago, she was 31. It seems more of a tragic mistake rather than anything planned, she was high on cannabis when she did it and we think she had a psychotic episode. I don’t have the energy to do anything much today, I love and miss her so much But I also resent the hell out of her right now. We should’ve grown old together and had so many more amazing experiences together. I feel like there’s such a massive part of me missing, and I will never be truly happy again

My deepest condolences to you. I hope you’re doing ok. I wanted to share my experience, it has some similarities. I lost a sibling 2.5 years ago unexpectedly (self inflicted, accidental) and to this day it still feels like I have lost a limb. My physical body feels different from the grief. When it first happened, it was raw, gutting all consuming agony. Now, there’s still a lot of pain and resentment on the bad days. But generally, in time, I’ve felt less angry at them and have been able to remember the good times.

I’ve never believed in an afterlife or god, but thinking about seeing them again in some space or time brings me a peace I never thought was possible again.

 

[Allthevest20]

Lost my mum last year. I honestly feel I’ll never be the same. When you have a mum you always have somewhere to go and someone who loves you (hopefully)

This. I lost my Mum in 2017 (I was late 20s) And with her I also got made to leave our family home of 21 years (OH so considerate housing association there) so I have anxiety every single day that I'll lose my job and therefore my home again. Never had a dad to lose as it were but he's also not here anymore.
I just about have my grandparents - both very elderly. Ones in a home and the other is struggling immensely and its hard seeing them like this. Not knowing who I am. Who my Mum was when that was their daughter. Covid means I've not been able to see Nan since March and daren't visit Grandad too often incase I pass something over.

I still don't feel I grieved properly over Mum. I feel I handled it too well? I had to go back to work after 5 weeks as couldn't afford not to and had to focus on emptying a house and moving. I grieved ALOT when she was diagnosed so maybe it was just backwards. I tried bereavement counselling but I didn't get what it was supposed to achieve as I talk about her fairly openly without breaking down.

Did have a tear seeing my Nan in a photo earlier mind. She's just a shell now and it's not fair I can't visit (one visitor only and must be the same person each time...)

But it's just me now basically. I can't go "home" or even to my Grandparents anymore. It's a scary as hell feeling (only in 30s now)

 

[Kim Mild]

All my grandparents and both parents have now passed . I think on the whole I coped well with grief and feel rather matter of fact about death .

Seeing my dad succumb to his illness and watching him get worse on end of live care as death approached is something I have never seen before and is something that will stay with me forever. It has changed me.

 

[Drea1984]

This. I lost my Mum in 2017 (I was late 20s) And with her I also got made to leave our family home of 21 years (OH so considerate housing association there) so I have anxiety every single day that I'll lose my job and therefore my home again. Never had a dad to lose as it were but he's also not here anymore.
I just about have my grandparents - both very elderly. Ones in a home and the other is struggling immensely and its hard seeing them like this. Not knowing who I am. Who my Mum was when that was their daughter. Covid means I've not been able to see Nan since March and daren't visit Grandad too often incase I pass something over.

I still don't feel I grieved properly over Mum. I feel I handled it too well? I had to go back to work after 5 weeks as couldn't afford not to and had to focus on emptying a house and moving. I grieved ALOT when she was diagnosed so maybe it was just backwards. I tried bereavement counselling but I didn't get what it was supposed to achieve as I talk about her fairly openly without breaking down.

Did have a tear seeing my Nan in a photo earlier mind. She's just a shell now and it's not fair I can't visit (one visitor only and must be the same person each time...)

But it's just me now basically. I can't go "home" or even to my Grandparents anymore. It's a scary as hell feeling (only in 30s now)

I hear you. I have terrible anxiety re losing my job and therefore losing my (council) home. I went back to work after 4 days. Just had day off for the funeral. I so much want to feel secure but am constantly worried. I haven’t cried and can’t see a time when I will. In losing my mum I feel I lost any security I had.

 

[Chewycinema]

Just stumbled across this thread and the tears have flown. I do a lot of end of life care and I always think that grief isn't linear. Theres also a lot of relief if its been expected but that's not to say the sense of relief won't change.
I lot my only 2 grandparents within a year of each other in 01/02 then my uncle 4 years later. Weirdly I found my grandad and uncles deaths, which were expected harder to deal with. My mum and I found my gran and I dont know if I just repressed my grief due to trauma but I only cried for her that day and not even once since 18 years later.
My parents had both lost a parent before i was born so I cant even remember what it was like to not have an awareness of death.

I find since becoming a mother my feelings towards death have changed. I find watching and caring for people as they die a lot harder than I used to and yet when they've passed over I feel nothing. The human psyche is truly bizarre.

 

[openbook1]

Have just stumbled across this thread and read every single word of your stories, I sincerely hope all of you find eventual peace in your journeys of grief. Sending love and warmth to you all.

I am lucky enough to have never lost anyone until this year. My grandad passed in February exactly 2 weeks after my little boy was born, it was the most intense and emotional 2 weeks of my life dealing with post partum hormones and awful c-section recovery then sudden grief. He had been terminal with cancer for 6 years then suddenly after Christmas he became seriously unwell and passed at the end of February just 2 days after meeting his youngest great grandson. Seeing him die still haunts me every single day, I get flashbacks of watching him struggle to breathe wearing a mask and then peacefully slipping away. I thank my lucky stars every day we got to be there with him, he wouldn’t have wanted anything more but my goodness, I would do anything to erase that night from my mind. He was the most amazing man, literally thought he was magic and I miss him beyond words every single day even though deep down I knew he wanted to go for a very long time. I think his death affects me more than I let on, my relationship has certainly taken a battering.

An extremely close great Aunt of mine has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and has just weeks left. I genuinely thought she was one of those people who would be immortal, at 84 she was still doing yoga and seeing her friends for lunch most days. She won’t let us visit in fear that it will be too hard but the thought of never seeing her again crushes me more than I think I can deal with. She made our childhoods what they were, the most generous and special lady I could ever have hoped to have had in my life. Grief is such a rollercoaster, I find myself grieving her even though she is still with us. Sometimes I’d just really love to get off that rollercoaster though for one second just so I can breathe again. Sending love to you all Xx

I'm sorry for your loss of your grandad and that your aunt is sick. My grandad died from pancreatic cancer a few years back, 8 weeks after diagnosis. One of my aunts this year died after also battling PC for 2 years. It is such an awful disease and so underfunded in terms of research and treatment.

 

[Allthevest20]

This. I lost my Mum in 2017 (I was late 20s) And with her I also got made to leave our family home of 21 years (OH so considerate housing association there) so I have anxiety every single day that I'll lose my job and therefore my home again. Never had a dad to lose as it were but he's also not here anymore.
I just about have my grandparents - both very elderly. Ones in a home and the other is struggling immensely and its hard seeing them like this. Not knowing who I am. Who my Mum was when that was their daughter. Covid means I've not been able to see Nan since March and daren't visit Grandad too often incase I pass something over.

I still don't feel I grieved properly over Mum. I feel I handled it too well? I had to go back to work after 5 weeks as couldn't afford not to and had to focus on emptying a house and moving. I grieved ALOT when she was diagnosed so maybe it was just backwards. I tried bereavement counselling but I didn't get what it was supposed to achieve as I talk about her fairly openly without breaking down.

Did have a tear seeing my Nan in a photo earlier mind. She's just a shell now and it's not fair I can't visit (one visitor only and must be the same person each time...)

But it's just me now basically. I can't go "home" or even to my Grandparents anymore. It's a scary as hell feeling (only in 30s now)

Well I bloody jinxed this didn't I. Nan passed away today so the family unit gets smaller and smaller

 

[Gembo]

Well I bloody jinxed this didn't I. Nan passed away today so the family unit gets smaller and smaller

I’m really sorry for your loss

 

[101d]

Well I bloody jinxed this didn't I. Nan passed away today so the family unit gets smaller and smaller

So sorry to hear this.

 

[Bwacac]

My partner who’s 30 lost his dad 11 months ago. we sat with his dad for 72 hours at the hospital up until about 4 hours before he passed. We had the call to say he’d gone at 3am and we’re back at the hospital 40 mins later to sit with him in peace. It was the worst 72 hours I’ve ever experienced and it’s made me so afraid of losing my parents. I was a child and a teenager when I lost all 4 of my grandparents. Seeing my partner broken after realising his dad was never coming home hurt so much. My partner is my rock and he’s tough and doesn’t show feelings. Watching him cry And the tears falling on his dads bed and knowing there was nothing I could do to ease his pain was so hard. Watching someone die and struggling to breath was horrific and will stay with me forever and it’s made me so scared of dying myself knowing that’s what will happen when my time comes. 11 months on my partner is doing well, he talks about his dad quite a bit and I know that when he’s missing him he doesn’t say as much but we will go for a drive and end up going passed where he used to live or his old place of work etc. One other thing after going through this is it’s made me love my partner more than I’ve ever thought possible because I saw a different side to him and going through it as a couple made us so much closer and stronger than ever. I think when you lose someone so close to you and you witness that death it definitely changes you as a person for ever. Sending lots of love to everyone whose posted on this thread xx

Something amazing to come out of this was after losing his dad my partner realised that he wanted a child and a family of his own, he was always adamant that children weren’t on the agenda for him despite being an amazing step dad to my young son. After many months of trying, I am now pregnant and our baby is due the day after his dads birthday in May 2021. I truly believe this baby is a gift from heaven and will be watched over by it’s grandad. I’m a huge believe in things like that.

 

[Belle83]

Randomly came across this thread.
My Dad was a seemingly fit and healthy 82yr old in April this year. Then in May he had some leg swelling, followed by abdomen swelling. Cut a long story short, he had a CT scan in June and died in July.
The CT scan showed stomach cancer that had spread everywhere. He literally had barely any symptoms before the leg swelling. Maybe a little weight loss but that’s it.
We cared for him at home. On the morning of the day he died, I spoke to hospice team via a telephone consult and she arranged some medications and for a bed etc to come to the house a few days later.
The night he died, I was helping him to the loo and he literally just looked at me and stopped breathing. It was traumatic for us but very quick for him.
I wasn’t sure whether to go and see him at the chapel of rest but needed to as my last memory of him was quite traumatic in some ways. I’m glad I did as he looked just like him (to a degree) and so at peace. It’s a very personal choice but the right one for me.
I cried my eyes out the night he passed but haven’t cried at all since and I don’t know why.
I miss him beyond words, I think about him all the time and talk to him constantly.
I think in my head I’m lagging behind real time- it’s almost as though I’m still dealing with the news he is terminally ill and has limited time left, let alone the fact he’s now gone.
Maybe I’m numb? Maybe I won’t cry?
I’m functioning, working etc. But there’s just part of me that’s empty.
I think I’ll try bereavement counselling.
I was the one that dealt with all the drs phone calls, visits etc. All his funeral arrangements and bits and bobs like death registration so maybe I’m still on auto pilot.
All I know is I miss him but not just miss him, I long for him to be back with us. It’s so tit.
We kept his ashes and have them in the lounge at home. There’s such a calmness when I sit with him. I find comfort in that.
Sorry it’s a long post guys x

 

[EvieBaby]

Randomly came across this thread.
My Dad was a seemingly fit and healthy 82yr old in April this year. Then in May he had some leg swelling, followed by abdomen swelling. Cut a long story short, he had a CT scan in June and died in July.
The CT scan showed stomach cancer that had spread everywhere. He literally had barely any symptoms before the leg swelling. Maybe a little weight loss but that’s it.
We cared for him at home. On the morning of the day he died, I spoke to hospice team via a telephone consult and she arranged some medications and for a bed etc to come to the house a few days later.
The night he died, I was helping him to the loo and he literally just looked at me and stopped breathing. It was traumatic for us but very quick for him.
I wasn’t sure whether to go and see him at the chapel of rest but needed to as my last memory of him was quite traumatic in some ways. I’m glad I did as he looked just like him (to a degree) and so at peace. It’s a very personal choice but the right one for me.
I cried my eyes out the night he passed but haven’t cried at all since and I don’t know why.
I miss him beyond words, I think about him all the time and talk to him constantly.
I think in my head I’m lagging behind real time- it’s almost as though I’m still dealing with the news he is terminally ill and has limited time left, let alone the fact he’s now gone.
Maybe I’m numb? Maybe I won’t cry?
I’m functioning, working etc. But there’s just part of me that’s empty.
I think I’ll try bereavement counselling.
I was the one that dealt with all the drs phone calls, visits etc. All his funeral arrangements and bits and bobs like death registration so maybe I’m still on auto pilot.
All I know is I miss him but not just miss him, I long for him to be back with us. It’s so tit.
We kept his ashes and have them in the lounge at home. There’s such a calmness when I sit with him. I find comfort in that.
Sorry it’s a long post guys x

I can totally relate to this. I dealt with a very similar type death alone with a close family member in 2017 and I can honestly say I've felt behind and not myself ever since. I've always thought I'll feel better by myself but it's not working, so I have my first counselling session on Monday. I can't recommend it yet but I'd definitely say give it a try and don't leave it as long as me because it hasn't done me any good xxx

 

[Gembo]

Randomly came across this thread.
My Dad was a seemingly fit and healthy 82yr old in April this year. Then in May he had some leg swelling, followed by abdomen swelling. Cut a long story short, he had a CT scan in June and died in July.
The CT scan showed stomach cancer that had spread everywhere. He literally had barely any symptoms before the leg swelling. Maybe a little weight loss but that’s it.
We cared for him at home. On the morning of the day he died, I spoke to hospice team via a telephone consult and she arranged some medications and for a bed etc to come to the house a few days later.
The night he died, I was helping him to the loo and he literally just looked at me and stopped breathing. It was traumatic for us but very quick for him.
I wasn’t sure whether to go and see him at the chapel of rest but needed to as my last memory of him was quite traumatic in some ways. I’m glad I did as he looked just like him (to a degree) and so at peace. It’s a very personal choice but the right one for me.
I cried my eyes out the night he passed but haven’t cried at all since and I don’t know why.
I miss him beyond words, I think about him all the time and talk to him constantly.
I think in my head I’m lagging behind real time- it’s almost as though I’m still dealing with the news he is terminally ill and has limited time left, let alone the fact he’s now gone.
Maybe I’m numb? Maybe I won’t cry?
I’m functioning, working etc. But there’s just part of me that’s empty.
I think I’ll try bereavement counselling.
I was the one that dealt with all the drs phone calls, visits etc. All his funeral arrangements and bits and bobs like death registration so maybe I’m still on auto pilot.
All I know is I miss him but not just miss him, I long for him to be back with us. It’s so tit.
We kept his ashes and have them in the lounge at home. There’s such a calmness when I sit with him. I find comfort in that.
Sorry it’s a long post guys x

My gosh I am so sorry, what an awful lot to be dealing with. I’m really glad that you have your dads ashes in the lounge and that brings you comfort, I did the same with my parents and it helped a lot. Grief is often nothing like we expect it to be. I think everything you’ve said is right, it’s a lot to process so your brain is on a bit of a delay and when you have to deal with everything it does make you go into autopilot. Don’t put any pressure or expectations upon how you feel, the feelings will come and go and vary in intensity. There’s no right or wrong and we don’t really get much say in it. After my mum died I was relatively ok & felt guilty for it, then around the year anniversary the grief just hit me and I grieved then how I felt I should have and expect to when she actually died. It sounds so cliche but really just be kind and gentle with yourself xx

 

[Belle83]

My gosh I am so sorry, what an awful lot to be dealing with. I’m really glad that you have your dads ashes in the lounge and that brings you comfort, I did the same with my parents and it helped a lot. Grief is often nothing like we expect it to be. I think everything you’ve said is right, it’s a lot to process so your brain is on a bit of a delay and when you have to deal with everything it does make you go into autopilot. Don’t put any pressure or expectations upon how you feel, the feelings will come and go and vary in intensity. There’s no right or wrong and we don’t really get much say in it. After my mum died I was relatively ok & felt guilty for it, then around the year anniversary the grief just hit me and I grieved then how I felt I should have and expect to when she actually died. It sounds so cliche but really just be kind and gentle with yourself xx

Thank you xxx

 

[Dwightschrute]

My mum passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow. She was only 53 and I am 26. We were as close as you could possibly be.
She was diagnosed with cancer last year but told she got the all clear this January. During lockdown she went for a routine scan and found it had come back. That was in May and things went downhill rapidly.

I miss her so much already. I can’t imagine my life without her and knowing she won’t be there at my wedding or when I have kids is crippling me.
I have waves of feeling okay but then I get hit by intense and overwhelming grief.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated from those of you who have gone through similar.

Love to everyone going through tough times.

 

[HelloStereo]

My mum passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow. She was only 53 and I am 26. We were as close as you could possibly be.
She was diagnosed with cancer last year but told she got the all clear this January. During lockdown she went for a routine scan and found it had come back. That was in May and things went downhill rapidly.

I miss her so much already. I can’t imagine my life without her and knowing she won’t be there at my wedding or when I have kids is crippling me.
I have waves of feeling okay but then I get hit by intense and overwhelming grief.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated from those of you who have gone through similar.

Love to everyone going through tough times.

I'm really to hear that. 53 is so young and you must miss her so much. I've not gone through similar with my own parents but my ex-boyfriend lost his mum to cancer when she was in her 50s and I remember thinking exactly how you did with regards to what she'd miss out on.

I'm not really sure what advice to give you as I am not sure how much anything I would say would help right now. But if you ever wanted to talk I am always at the other end of a reply message.