Dead Parent Club

[Roobarb]

Tomorrow is the 9 year anniversary of my dad's passing.
He was 70, so not really old. A very short illness, he did not suffer, for which I am eternally grateful, although it was a shock at the time.
I'm proud that I managed to get him home from hospital against their advice so he could pass in his own home.

I am crying now as I type this, but it will be short lived.
To those grieving, time may not heal but you will learn to live alongside it, and it will hurt less as more time passes by.

 

[mee43]

On the subject of age;
I completely get that you must feel almost isolated in your grief if you lose your parents at a young age; few, if any, of your friends will completely understand
On the other side, if you’re of an age where it might be more expected that your parents may have passed, it can also feel a bit isolating because you feel like if you talk about it too much, others may be thinking you’re acting like you’re the only one it’s ever happened to.
I’ve learned that grief is a horribly lonely thing x

 

[NoHintOfDrama]

I agree about it being lonely. My husband tried his best but he’s a few years older than me and he’s still got both his parents. It makes me so cross that he makes so little effort to keep in touch with them. Because one day he will look round and they won’t be there.

 

[BonBon27]

I was very nearly 35 when my mum died in 2017, she had just turned 65. I know I was very lucky to have a lovely mum, and have her for so long in my life - she was at my wedding and met both my children and I will always be grateful for that. BUT, it still sucks. It still makes me angry. She should have had another 20 or so years. My daughters were 5 and 2 when she died, they should have had their Nan for a lot longer. It’s been over 5 years and I still feel jealous when I see women my age with their mums or kids with their grandparents. Life can be very unfair. My husband and one of my closest friends have all their parents and a set of grandparents each, we’re in our 40s now, it honestly blows my mind. I was 22 when I lost my last grandparent.

My heart goes out to everyone in this thread as we all muddle through our grief, which is a really hard thing to do while you try to get on with life and not make a fuss. I had some grief counselling a year or so after mum died and I remember telling her that a lot of my friends made me feel like I should be over it, like I was making a mountain out of a molehill, and she spent a lot of time reassuring me that I was perfectly within my rights to grieve. I think because none of them have experienced it, they just don’t know. Like I didn’t, but now I do. And it really does change you.

 

[Purple star]

I was very nearly 35 when my mum died in 2017, she had just turned 65. I know I was very lucky to have a lovely mum, and have her for so long in my life - she was at my wedding and met both my children and I will always be grateful for that. BUT, it still sucks. It still makes me angry. She should have had another 20 or so years. My daughters were 5 and 2 when she died, they should have had their Nan for a lot longer. It’s been over 5 years and I still feel jealous when I see women my age with their mums or kids with their grandparents. Life can be very unfair. My husband and one of my closest friends have all their parents and a set of grandparents each, we’re in our 40s now, it honestly blows my mind. I was 22 when I lost my last grandparent.

My heart goes out to everyone in this thread as we all muddle through our grief, which is a really hard thing to do while you try to get on with life and not make a fuss. I had some grief counselling a year or so after mum died and I remember telling her that a lot of my friends made me feel like I should be over it, like I was making a mountain out of a molehill, and she spent a lot of time reassuring me that I was perfectly within my rights to grieve. I think because none of them have experienced it, they just don’t know. Like I didn’t, but now I do. And it really does change you.

I agree with you so much …And I definitely get the jealousy bit …So many people just don’t understand how it feels

 

[GeminiMoon]

Deepest sympathies to everyone on this thread.

I’m a club member too. I lost both my parents by the time I was 29 - my dad died when I was 32 and he was 67, my mum died when I was 29 and she was also 67. My dad’s death was totally unexpected and I lived with him. No brothers or sisters. My mum essentially killed herself through alcohol misuse and self-neglect.
---
Gosh, I just remembered going to a wedding and bumping into someone who knew my mum. “How’s your mum?” she said, and I had to explain she was dead. “Oh I’m so sorry to hear that…how is your dad?” And I had to say he was dead too. In front of a big group of cheery, well-meaning people. I felt worse for them than I did myself and just didn’t know how to make it less awkward.

I worry that I’m forgetting my dad’s face, smell and voice. It’s been so long and I have so few pictures and tangible tokens of memory.

 

[GeminiMoon]

Deepest sympathies to everyone on this thread.

I’m a club member too. I lost both my parents by the time I was 29 - my dad died when I was 32 and he was 67, my mum died when I was 29 and she was also 67. My dad’s death was totally unexpected and I lived with him. No brothers or sisters. My mum essentially killed herself through alcohol misuse and self-neglect.
---
Gosh, I just remembered going to a wedding and bumping into someone who knew my mum. “How’s your mum?” she said, and I had to explain she was dead. “Oh I’m so sorry to hear that…how is your dad?” And I had to say he was dead too. In front of a big group of cheery, well-meaning people. I felt worse for them than I did myself and just didn’t know how to make it less awkward.

I worry that I’m forgetting my dad’s face, smell and voice. It’s been so long and I have so few pictures and tangible tokens of memory.

Quoting myself because I was clearly distracted earlier…my dad was 67 and I was 21, not 32!
Thanks for the love

 

[Ensay]

I lost my Dad a little over three years ago. It was a tough time, as he had cancer and I was there from the day he got his diagnosis, took him to all his chemo and consultant appointments, etc. Even though we knew it was terminal, you're never really prepared for the worst when it happens.

I came across an old notebook of his the other day. He loved History and it was full of his notes. I can't throw away anything with his handwriting so I've even got a list of books he wanted for his birthday before he died. Silly I know, but it'd be like throwing away a part of him.

I know what you all mean about missing their voices. Luckily Dad is on quite a few videos I took with my phone over the years, but always on the side/background. I wish I'd got one just of him. But I'm glad to have those videos as I can hear him saying little things and that's enough to keep the memory of his voice alive.

One of the things I miss most is his advice. He always had words of wisdom - eg if I was having an issue at work, he'd listen and give valuable tips. He was always calm and level headed - he knew what to do. As I can't ask him anymore, I try to think of what he'd say - and most of the time I know deep down. I like those moments because it's like he's still guiding me.

Thanks all for sharing your stories.

 

[quietbatperson]

As I can't ask him anymore, I try to think of what he'd say - and most of the time I know deep down. I like those moments because it's like he's still guiding me

I love this as a way of keeping your dad close to you. He sounds wonderful

 

[ElChanguito]

Gosh, I just remembered going to a wedding and bumping into someone who knew my mum. “How’s your mum?” she said, and I had to explain she was dead. “Oh I’m so sorry to hear that…how is your dad?” And I had to say he was dead too. In front of a big group of cheery, well-meaning people. I felt worse for them than I did myself and just didn’t know how to make it less awkward.

I had a similar thing happen when I was out shopping with my dad after my mum died, we bumped into a lady we knew vaguely and chatted with her for ages. As we were about to part, she said, “And your wife’s keeping all right, is she?” My poor dad burst into tears. I had to say that she was no longer with us, the lady felt terrible and was very apologetic. It shows how careful you need to be when you haven’t seen people in a while and you don’t know everything going on in their lives. It is very awkward. There’s no nice way to say people are no longer here, is there? I have found it‘s easier for me to use the phrase “passed away”, I don’t know why, it feels less blunt to say I think.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

I had a similar thing happen when I was out shopping with my dad after my mum died, we bumped into a lady we knew vaguely and chatted with her for ages. As we were about to part, she said, “And your wife’s keeping all right, is she?” My poor dad burst into tears. I had to say that she was no longer with us, the lady felt terrible and was very apologetic. It shows how careful you need to be when you haven’t seen people in a while and you don’t know everything going on in their lives. It is very awkward. There’s no nice way to say people are no longer here, is there? I have found it‘s easier for me to use the phrase “passed away”, I don’t know why, it feels less blunt to say I think.

I much prefer 'passed away', it sounds more like they left comfortably and peacefully.
I've mentioned I lost my my mum in 2015, I still have a step dad who's been a real father to me for almost 40 years.
I'm dreading the day I hear bad news about him, he's had 3 strokes and is 81 now. I love him dearly, he's such a good man. I'm going to call him tomorrow, just to hear his voice and tell him I love him.

 

[BearOnChair]

I went to a place I regularly visited with my mum a couple of days ago and it's had a properly weird effect on me.

I took my kids because they wanted to go and I was feeling quite anxious about it because I have a lot of good memories of time spent with her. To be honest I thought I'd be upset there.

Instead it's like I've looked through a little peep hole into how I used to feel before my parents died. We had a great time and I felt re-energised by it like the positive energy from passed experience was still there, which i know sounds odd. Its highlighted to me just how far away from myself I've changed and that I'm ready to work on myself and reclaim parts of my life I've been neglectful of. It's a slow process, I've dipped again but I feel a sense of what I need to do for the first time in a long time.

It's weird how grief effects you in ways you don't expect.

 

[BearOnChair]

Yesterday was the anniversary of my dad's death. I know it's not for people to remember except for me but my husband forgot too or he at least hasn't said anything

 

[ElChanguito]

Yesterday was the anniversary of my dad's death. I know it's not for people to remember except for me but my husband forgot too or he at least hasn't said anything

I’m so sorry for you. It’s very painful when things go unsaid. I hope you have a little treat for yourself to make you feel better today.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

It'll soon be Dad's first birthday since he died. He was so poorly on his last birthday with us, and he'd been admitted to a hospice the day before. He was so sad and confused, in a lot of pain and we didn't get him any gifts as he didn't want any fuss. I think that's what I'm sad about remembering.

I'm sorry @BearOnChair - it's a sad milestone, and even worse when people don't remember.

 

[BearOnChair]

It'll soon be Dad's first birthday since he died. He was so poorly on his last birthday with us, and he'd been admitted to a hospice the day before. He was so sad and confused, in a lot of pain and we didn't get him any gifts as he didn't want any fuss. I think that's what I'm sad about remembering.

I'm sorry @BearOnChair - it's a sad milestone, and even worse when people don't remember.

Those memories of them being poorly are hard to deal with especially when it's on a birthday or special occasion.

My husbands not great at remembering anything really so I shouldn't be surprised. A friend was recently bereaved and I've made a note in the calendar for next year so I remember and at least it doesn't pass for her in the same way.

 

[Purple star]

Does anyone else feel jealous of their friends who have there parents still? I hate feeling this way but I can't switch my feels off and I can't tell anyone I feel this way as I know it's wrong
It's knowing they all still both parents and i don't have either of mine ...It just doesn't feel fair.

 

[Emlo]

Does anyone else feel jealous of their friends who have there parents still? I hate feeling this way but I can't switch my feels off and I can't tell anyone I feel this way as I know it's wrong
It's knowing they all still both parents and i don't have either of mine ...It just doesn't feel fair.

Yes I get that too. Especially when they moan about the silly little things their parents do. It makes me feel so bitter but I try not to let it show as I know they don’t mean to hurt me and I’d probably be the same if I hadn’t gone through everything that I have.

Would have been mum’s 53rd birthday tomorrow. Miss her so much

 

[BobbySinger]

Does anyone have lots of dreams? I. Keep dreaming about my dad and it’s at various stages of his life - i wake up distraught even if in the dream I get to hug him .

it’ll be 5 years in Jannand I’ve had counselling , it was traumatic at the end . he rapidly declined over Xmas and I was there at the end . I took comfort we felt his last breath and by his side . Now I relive that moment (had eft therapy to try and stop replaying those last days) and don’t understand why I am going “backwards” In my grief.

I sometimes wish I wasn’t there at the end it hurts my heart physically still . It feels like a life time ago yet some days it’s like it happened last week - time is such a head f*^k . My heart feels extra heavy for those who have lost both parents . Losing people is the hardest I wish I could switch off these emotions

 

[karmadrama]

I lost my dad almost 3 years ago, he was 69. It was very sudden and unexpected. Him and my mum were sitting at home, he’d mentioned earlier in the day that he didn’t feel right but couldn’t put his finger on why. One minute he was breathing and conscious and the next he sort of gasped and was gone. Paramedics worked on him for 45 minutes but it was too late.

I live an hour away and by the time I got there he was still on the floor covered in a white sheet. I don’t know why it took so long to take him away. Every fibre of my being wanted to pull that sheet back to see his face but I couldn’t do it. I realise now that it was maybe for the best. I saw him a few days later in the funeral home and he looked peaceful which was a nicer way to remember him. But the image of that sheet covering him will never ever leave me. I always dreaded losing my parents and when it happened it was different to what I expected. It wasn’t the initial devastation followed by slowly healing like I’d always thought it would be. It’s more like an ongoing battle, some days I’m fine and others it hits me out of nowhere and takes me right back to that day. I’m not healing, I’m just trying to get used to this new normal without him in the world.

I dream of him sometimes and he’s always happy and healthy and it makes me smile.