Dead Parent Club

[MakeDamnSure]

Sending love to everyone on here.

I lost my mum in 2007 to cancer when I was 18, she was 48. My dad was never in the picture so it was a massive loss. It was incredibly quick from diagnosis to death and I still feel a bit shell shocked from it all to be honest. My heart aches that she never saw me grow up let alone meet my children. Every happy occasion in my life since then has been tinged with sadness too and trying to navigate being a mother without her has been hard to say the least.

I don’t dream about her anymore and I feel like I can’t remember her voice at times. And then something that she used to say to me as a child will come tumbling out of my mouth and I can hear it clear as day.

I turn 35 soon and I’m dreading turning 36 as that marks the time where I will have lived more of my life without her than with her. I also get hung up on the fact that I could only have 13 years left or if I think about my children having 13 years left with me. Sorry for the long rambling post, I never really speak about this as none of my friends can really relate.

 

[xxAprilxx]

I lost my dad when I was 22 and my mum at 28. Both from cancer. It was hard losing both parents at that age, and reactions from people didn't make it any easier, especially when asked something like "so where do your parents live?" They'd get all awkward when I told them.
I'm now 39 and going through cancer myself and it's a strange and unsettling feeling that I could possibly face death at a young age too.

 

[comment on life]

I'm so sorry to all of you Losing a parent is a horrible and lonely road. I grew up without my Dad as he died in a car accident 2 months before I was born. I spent my entire life hearing stories about the wonderful man I never got to meet. I lost my Mam 8 weeks ago today after a two year cancer battle. In that time the hospital told us she was miraculously cured and they couldn't explain it only to tell us two months later they made a mistake.

For the entirety of my Mams cancer I was praying for a miracle and I genuinely believed we got one. Having that snatched away was beyond cruel. I watched my poor wonderful Mam fade away. She was under 4 stone by the time she passed away. Nothing can prepare you for having to pick out clothes for your loved one that has passed away or picking their coffin or writing a eulogy. I miss my Mam every second of every day and I hate that so many of us have to go through this and there is no way that anyone on earth can make the pain better. You just have to keep going. Sending love to all

 

[PurpleRox]

I lost my dad April this year and it just sucks. I'm dreading Christmas as it was always his favourite time of year and he'd cook wonderful dishes.
I still text his mobile and ring his phone to hear his voicemail.

 

[ElChanguito]

I have to confess I get very jealous of the young family that live opposite me. About once a month her parents come and stay for a weekend or a week. They just look so happy (and healthy) and I think, why can’t that be me

 

[ElChanguito]

Just wondering if anyone else is in the Club?

I lost my mum ten years ago this month and my dad last year.

I hate being an orphan and being known as the “girl with dead parents” !

I dream about my parents quite often, sometimes it’s a do-over of the past, and they are ill again, or it’s a new situation and they try to tell me something. I have to say, I love my dreams when I get to see them, for me it’s absolutely real.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I lost my Dad in January this year, he was felled brutally in 5 months by liver cancer and sadly his diagnosis came after months of what I'd label medical neglect due to his age. He may have been 82 but he was a very fit, active and fully independent 82 - he got Covid in June which made him horribly unwell and he just didn't pick up from it. GP was getting quite nasty that I kept taking him back, as he had memory loss/confusion as well as having lost a horrific amount of weight but they kept insisting it was long Covid. Salvation only came from a locum GP in September who I burst into tears to on the phone, and he ordered blood tests which of course then kicked them into action but it was too late... he had 3 metastatic tumours by then and the "long Covid" was actually hepatic encephalopathy from his failing liver

Between dealing with my sister who I don't get on with at the best of times and whose coping method was complete denial; failings in the care system and Dad suffering a horrible horrible death, I'm still reeling. I can't look at photos without breaking down, and I fell into a complete hole when I found a voicemail from him on our home phone. He was my go-to parent (my Mum lives in my sisters' pocket) and god I miss him.

 

[Kim Mild]

I lost both of my parents during my 30s . They both had cancer , although my dad was 80 when he died so it's not unusual for people to die at that age.

It has changed me since they died. There's a sort of naivety or innocence I had before I went through that experience. I feel a lot of solidarity with people who have been through the same .

 

[Baconbutties]

I lost my dad to cancer back in 2008, he was just 58. My mum passed away nearly 2 years ago as well to cancer. Both died within 6 months of being diagnosed. I feel so differently now that I've lost both parents, when my dad passed away I still had my mum. I think my mum was the glue that held us together and now, the dynamics between myself and my siblings has changed so much. My tolerance levels are so different now I just can't deal with them the same way. It definitely does change you.

 

[Kim Mild]

I feel like this too. my mum died 4 weeks after I had my first baby when I was 30. This was 5 years ago and I am just always so envious of my friends and their partners who have still have both sets of parents to spoil their little ones with attention. I always feel like my 2 are missing out on having a grandma in their life who dotes on them. My mum would have been over the moon with 2 little granddaughters to obsess over, it’s so cruel the fact that she only got to hold my oldest girl once before she died.

The more the years go by and the older my kids get I realise more and more that not only are we missing my mum, but also all of the stuff that she knew about me and brother when we were little. My dad would never remember things like, when we took our first steps, what we were like on our first day at school etc. All of those memories gone forever, the things I never thought to ask her about until I had kids of my own. I feel like we kind of lost access to our childhood memories when she died, because she’s not here to remind us.

Lots of love to everyone in this thread.

My dad died a few weeks after I had my youngest. I wonder if he'd been holding on until the baby arrived ( he was terminally ill).

Not having my parents around as grandparents for my young children is much harder than I thought it would be . Their absence is so noticeable.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

My mum died on my brother's birthday, poor dude. What are the odds, giving birth then dying 49 years later to the day.

I don't think we ever stop grieving our parents, we get better at coping but it's always there.

 

[asunder]

I have to confess I get very jealous of the young family that live opposite me. About once a month her parents come and stay for a weekend or a week. They just look so happy (and healthy) and I think, why can’t that be me

I feel like this too. my mum died 4 weeks after I had my first baby when I was 30. This was 5 years ago and I am just always so envious of my friends and their partners who have still have both sets of parents to spoil their little ones with attention. I always feel like my 2 are missing out on having a grandma in their life who dotes on them. My mum would have been over the moon with 2 little granddaughters to obsess over, it’s so cruel the fact that she only got to hold my oldest girl once before she died.

The more the years go by and the older my kids get I realise more and more that not only are we missing my mum, but also all of the stuff that she knew about me and brother when we were little. My dad would never remember things like, when we took our first steps, what we were like on our first day at school etc. All of those memories gone forever, the things I never thought to ask her about until I had kids of my own. I feel like we kind of lost access to our childhood memories when she died, because she’s not here to remind us.

Lots of love to everyone in this thread.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I saw a bereavement counseller in the hospice where my Dad spent some time, and she very cleverly likened losing a parent to having your foundations blown up underneath you. Makes the ground that you stand on feel unsafe.

 

[virtualorigami]

i joined this club a few months ago when my mum died only 2 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer i feel so naive because i had only ever thought about my parents dying in an abstract way, i thought i had another 25+ years with her. i feel cheated and it’s shaken me to my core. my mum was the centre of our whole wider extended family, she was so vibrant and wise (we joked that she was like rafiki lol) and was always there for everyone. a previous poster said something about their mum being the glue and i can totally identify with that.

she was a poet and i’ve never liked poetry but since she died i’ve been quite obsessed with her poems. some of them are like she’s holding my hand through my grief, it’s quite weird how fitting they are actually.

i also feel like i have a clock ticking above my head because she was only in her 50s and i just have a terrible feeling now that i’m going to die young too

it’s such a weird feeling not having my mum around anymore, i feel homeless or something as weird as that sounds i’m sure others here will understand what i mean or have a better way that they describe it.

i love to hear and read others stories of their parents who’ve passed so will keep up to date with this thread. i’m so sorry for everyones loss

 

[Roobarb]

Tomorrow is the 9 year anniversary of my dad's passing.
He was 70, so not really old. A very short illness, he did not suffer, for which I am eternally grateful, although it was a shock at the time.
I'm proud that I managed to get him home from hospital against their advice so he could pass in his own home.

I am crying now as I type this, but it will be short lived.
To those grieving, time may not heal but you will learn to live alongside it, and it will hurt less as more time passes by.

 

[BearOnChair]

I lost both my parents within 6 months of each other last year to cancer, both in their 50s.
I'm not going to be the same person again.

I have young kids and I'm really struggling with them not knowing them and only knowing my in laws as grandparents. They are very different from my parents. MIL ìs a narc who said a couple of inappropriate things to me at my dad's funeral that I can't forgive.
I know that sounds awful but I don't seem to be able to change how I feel.

The loss of my support system that's been their since birth has given me a good kicking.
---

'm now 39 and going through cancer myself and it's a strange and unsettling feeling that I could possibly face death at a young age too.

That's really tough, hope you're ok xx

 

[New-Yark]

Firstly sending huge hugs to everyone here. Such a difficult thread to read but comforting to feel some solidarity in it too. A few of the posts I couldn’t have written myself.

I lost my dad suddenly this year at 69. I suspect he knew he was unwell but didn’t want to tell us to protect us, or maybe to not deal with it himself either. I guess we will never know. Funny enough the first thing I realised in the days after his death is that we have no videos with his voice. Lots of videos but for some reason none of his voice. And his voicemail is white noise / his own pocket dial. I’d honestly give ANYTHING to spend five more minutes with him and tell him everything for one last time. I’ve re-read all of our text messages, birthday cards he’d kept etc over the last few weeks and I have no doubt he knew how deeply I love him but what I’d give for one more chance to tell him.

I’m in my 30s so had three decades with him and I’m so grateful for it and I know people have less, but I still find myself starting at men his age or older on the street and thinking “you should be here” (to the lyrics of Cole Swindels song if anyone else is a country music fan).

 

[quietbatperson]

I lost my dad when I was 22 and my mum at 28. Both from cancer. It was hard losing both parents at that age, and reactions from people didn't make it any easier, especially when asked something like "so where do your parents live?" They'd get all awkward when I told them.
I'm now 39 and going through cancer myself and it's a strange and unsettling feeling that I could possibly face death at a young age too.

BIB. I identify with this so much. A few weeks after my mum died (years ago now), I went for a meal with work. A colleague asked me this and I couldn't speak.

It's her birthday today

Sending you lots of love x

 

[MaineCoonMama]

I've noticed there are lots of us missing our parents voices.
I was lucky enough to have a recording of my mum talking on a regional ABC (Australia) radio show about her childhood in Québec.
I'd still give anything for her advice or a big hug though.

 

[BearOnChair]

Yesterday was the anniversary of my dad's death. I know it's not for people to remember except for me but my husband forgot too or he at least hasn't said anything