Dead Parent Club

[xxAprilxx]

Thank you.
He is for the most part as he knows what she is like, but we don't have the best relationship. He's not very good at being emotionally supportive, it was the same when I had the kids. I'm trying not to make any rash decisions about our relationship because I know I'm not in the best place to make big life decisions.

Oh to have my mum to talk to!

Sorry that you're not getting the support you need from your husband.
Sometimes, it does take something huge to happen for you to re-evaluate your life. I was in a long-term relationship when my mum died and I realised that the man I was was not the one. He didn't say it, but I felt like it was all a huge inconvenience to him. I ended it soon after.
I hope you in time decide what's best for you.

i also feel like i have a clock ticking above my head because she was only in her 50s and i just have a terrible feeling now that i’m going to die young too

It's an unsettling feeling isn't it! I definitely need some sort of therapy to deal with that.

 

[BearOnChair]

Sorry that you're not getting the support you need from your husband.
Sometimes, it does take something huge to happen for you to re-evaluate your life. I was in a long-term relationship when my mum died and I realised that the man I was was not the one. He didn't say it, but I felt like it was all a huge inconvenience to him. I ended it soon after.
I hope you in time decide what's best for you.

Thank you.
I know what I need to change for things to be better or what I'll do if they don't but our income comes from the same business so it's a little tricky.
I'm working on making sure we have a good working relationship and seeing what happens at home.

With my parents both dying so close together and of the same illness it's taking me longer to process. I don't think he appreciates that, but how can you when you haven't experienced it.

 

[ElChanguito]

My advice to anyone who’s recently lost someone is not to make any big decisions for quite some time, as you are in very deep shock - you may not even realise that you are still in shock. It goes on for years, and it can be very hard for others to understand why we aren’t ready to “just move on”.

Even little decisions can be the wrong ones. I thought it was a good idea to give some family friends some nice things of my parents’ I just didn’t have room for any more - I thought the friends would be pleased and love them. But, as I later found out, they sold them on their eBay account.

I made other rash decisions I came to regret. I wish I had taken more time.

 

[Purple star]

Just wondering if anyone else is in the Club?

I lost my mum ten years ago this month and my dad last year.

I hate being an orphan and being known as the “girl with dead parents” !

I dream about my parents quite often, sometimes it’s a do-over of the past, and they are ill again, or it’s a new situation and they try to tell me something. I have to say, I love my dreams when I get to see them, for me it’s absolutely real.

Ive lost both my mum and dad also and I hate it so I know how you feel ..Life’s just to hard without my mum & dad …Am only in my early 40s and all my friends still have their parents ..It just feels so unfair …It feels like it won’t happen to them aswell ….
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I have to confess I get very jealous of the young family that live opposite me. About once a month her parents come and stay for a weekend or a week. They just look so happy (and healthy) and I think, why can’t that be me

I know exactly how you feel And no1 understands me or gets why I feel like this ..

 

[Kate1970]

Lost my Dad in 2012 after being diagnosed with cancer, only got about 4 weeks with him, passed away in hospital, the drive there that morning was horrible, just the worst feeling ever! We'd just missed him passing away, which in a way I was OK with, as I don't think I could have watched it happen
Then my lovely Mum passed away in 2023, 3 days before my 50th Birthday! She had dementia, although she passed away from jaundice and gallstones, but was far too frail for surgery. She didn't really know what was going on, which I was glad of, she never really got over loosing my Dad though, and slowly declined after this
Don't think you ever get over loosing your Mum and Dad, and I always think you never think of a time without them, and them not being here

 

[Roobarb]

My dad passed away 3.5 years ago.

I’ve never forgiven myself that I couldn’t be there when he passed. He was terminally ill but he passed very suddenly in hospital. It was five days after my wedding and we were on honeymoon, fortunately in the UK. I was a daddy’s girl, I was very close to him and literally the last thing he did for me was get up out of his wheelchair and walk me down the aisle.

I know he’s around me. I can feel his presence and I talk to him a lot. I’ve never dreamed about my dad but I’ve seen shadows and stuff. He did give me one last gift though- an incredible family connection on his paternal side that none of us had any idea about previously. I cherish that as I truly believe it was the last gift my dad gave me.

Sending lots of love to you all xx

Please nobody beat yourselves up that you weren't there or didn't make it in time. It's not a pleasant sight seeing someone take their last breath, and the images can stay with you. Better to remember them in better times.

 

[yankydoo]

Please nobody beat yourselves up that you weren't there or didn't make it in time. It's not a pleasant sight seeing someone take their last breath, and the images can stay with you. Better to remember them in better times.

Sadly I agree. I didn't see that point in time but I saw the immediate aftermath including

Spoiler: sad stuff

attempts at resuscitation and when he was declared gone

and it's beyond the worst thing you can imagine.

 

[princessmaire80]

Please nobody beat yourselves up that you weren't there or didn't make it in time. It's not a pleasant sight seeing someone take their last breath, and the images can stay with you. Better to remember them in better times.

Thank you
I was a nurse on a dementia ward and I watched many take their last breaths. Agreed- it’s not pleasant. Thankfully my dad passed very peacefully, he just fell asleep and didn’t wake up. I’m at least grateful for that.

 

[Loppylou89]

Please nobody beat yourselves up that you weren't there or didn't make it in time. It's not a pleasant sight seeing someone take their last breath, and the images can stay with you. Better to remember them in better times.

I agree. I was out buying my dads birthday presents when I got the call from the hospital and they wouldn't tell me anything other than to get there as quick as I could, I dropped everything and got to the hospital 25 minutes later and was too late. I was the first one to the hospital and saw the curtain closed around his cubicle closed and knew straight away.

My mum finally got to the hospital and I was waiting for my brother, little did I know he had arrived and was sitting in with my dad. I went in and he still had the tube in his mouth and I won't ever forget that sight.

My dads best friend was his funeral director and asked if I wanted to see my dad at the funeral home and I said yes, hoping I would be left with a better last image and he looked so peaceful but I am in a way glad I didn't make it in time.

Sorry I'm not very good at wording things!

 

[RaveChampion]

My dad died when I was 18, my mum when I was 27.

Time does indeed heal and there are sadly no other short cuts AFAIK.

Like another poster said (ElChanguito) be wary of making any major decisions if you can put them off till later.
I made life changing decisions when I was grieving and regret a couple to this day 20 odd years later.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

I agree. I was out buying my dads birthday presents when I got the call from the hospital and they wouldn't tell me anything other than to get there as quick as I could, I dropped everything and got to the hospital 25 minutes later and was too late. I was the first one to the hospital and saw the curtain closed around his cubicle closed and knew straight away.

My mum finally got to the hospital and I was waiting for my brother, little did I know he had arrived and was sitting in with my dad. I went in and he still had the tube in his mouth and I won't ever forget that sight.

My dads best friend was his funeral director and asked if I wanted to see my dad at the funeral home and I said yes, hoping I would be left with a better last image and he looked so peaceful but I am in a way glad I didn't make it in time.

Sorry I'm not very good at wording things!

My mum lived a 5 hour drive away with no airport close by so I last saw her 3 months before she died.
I'm glad I didn't see her really ill at the end as she was always very sporty and fit.
My family have always used humour to get through difficult times, when my brother and I were viewing mum for the last time she looked so cute and peaceful, her nails and hair looked lovely. We were just looking at her and my brother said "She looks like she's about to sit up and start telling us off."

I couldn't stop laughing, probably inappropriate in a funeral home but I know our mum would have laughed too.

 

[mee43]

My Dad was home at the end and I’m glad for his sake that he was.
And it was relatively peaceful.
But although I’m glad I was there for him, I can ever find the words for how traumatised I am by the experience of watching him leave us
There’s more that went on around that time that has left such deep emotional scars, but that’s probably not for this thread.
But, yes, I’d completely understand anyone who felt relieved that they weren’t there at the very end

 

[NoHintOfDrama]

My dad died 13 years ago today. I still miss him dreadfully.

 

[TheGlossy]

Lost my dad almost 2 years ago the day before NYE It was shortly after my 31st birthday. He passed of a heart attack on his way to work.

Instead of calling an ambulance and performing CPR on him in the meantime, one of my siblings decided to drag him into their car from the house and drive him to a hospital 15 minutes away. I don’t want to blame anyone because they did the best they could, but I strongly believe those 15 minutes of him sitting in a car were fatal. He was already unconscious by the time they reached the hospital.

I feel for the relative who literally watched him pass in the car.

I’ve since hated this time of year.

Time has gone by so fast but it still feels like yesterday.

Every time I head about someone’s parent passing, I always wind up with a lump in my throat because it throws me right back to that time.

 

[NoHintOfDrama]

I know I was an ok age when my parents died. 35 dad, 44 mum. When mum died I was waiting for an adult to come along and help me with it all (she died in the first huge wave of covid 2020). It was a shock to realise thought that I was the adult.

 

[Purple star]

I know I was an ok age when my parents died. 35 dad, 44 mum. When mum died I was waiting for an adult to come along and help me with it all (she died in the first huge wave of covid 2020). It was a shock to realise thought that I was the adult.

Were you 35 and 44 when your mum died? Hope you don’t mind me asking that …It’s just am 42 and I feel to young to have lost my parents ..As all my friends some older than me still have both or 1 or their parents still ……

 

[NoHintOfDrama]

Were you 35 and 44 when your mum died? Hope you don’t mind me asking that …It’s just am 42 and I feel to young to have lost my parents ..As all my friends some older than me still have both or 1 or their parents still ……

I was 35 when my dad died. And 44 when mum died. And yes I have friends in their late 50s who still have both parents. It makes you feel as if you’ve been robbed.

 

[Kim Mild]

I was 35 when my dad died. And 44 when mum died. And yes I have friends in their late 50s who still have both parents. It makes you feel as if you’ve been robbed.

I understand that too .I was in my 30s . My dad was fairly old when I was born so he was 81, so that's classed as old age( despite also being terminally ill). Most people I know who parents die at that sort of age are in their 50s or 60s . I feel the situations with my mum and dad dying were different, she was tragically too soon , whereas he was old age. I've experienced both but I feel like those 50 somethings who've lost elderly parents don't seem to have solidarity with me.

There's a someone I know , they and their siblings (40 somethings) have both parents in their 70s, and also still have both grandparents in their 90s. That blows my mind a bit .

 

[ElChanguito]

I was 27 when Mum died and 36 when Dad died. Relatively young, but I try not to be down about it because I grew up with a boy who was orphaned within the first year of his life (mother died during his birth, then dad had a car crash).

But yes, death is almost a rarity in our society, I don’t really know anyone else who has lost their parents. I had a new hairdresser come to my house a while back and I felt I had to tell her within a few minutes of meeting that I’ve recently lost both my parents. I was worried it could lead to a very awkward situation if I didn’t just say it as I still live in my parents house. I was sure I could feel her thinking “WTF” behind my back. It makes me feel like an oddity but this is my reality.

 

[Purple star]

I was 35 when my dad died. And 44 when mum died. And yes I have friends in their late 50s who still have both parents. It makes you feel as if you’ve been robbed.

I agree with you..It really isn’t fair
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I was 27 when Mum died and 36 when Dad died. Relatively young, but I try not to be down about it because I grew up with a boy who was orphaned within the first year of his life (mother died during his birth, then dad had a car crash).

But yes, death is almost a rarity in our society, I don’t really know anyone else who has lost their parents. I had a new hairdresser come to my house a while back and I felt I had to tell her within a few minutes of meeting that I’ve recently lost both my parents. I was worried it could lead to a very awkward situation if I didn’t just say it as I still live in my parents house. I was sure I could feel her thinking “WTF” behind my back. It makes me feel like an oddity but this is my reality.

Arrhh I know how you feel ..