Dead Parent Club

[Rodneytrotter]

I'm in the club too. My mum died years ago but sometimes the grief comes out of nowhere and smacks me in the face. I knew she was dying (cancer) but was in complete denial, even when she was moved to a hospice I thought she would walk out of there.

Once she had died I felt that it was strange walking around knowing I didnt have a mum anymore. I remember being in a shop the day after and feeling weird about the fact that people were living their normal lives when my mum had just died.

One thing it did teach me was how important friendship is. My family were awful and wouldn't even let me have some of her ashes, yet friends and neighbours were really supportive, putting my bin out for me and offering to help in any way they could.

 

[iLoveNectarines]

My dad died when I was 24 from a burst aortic aneurysm. Very quick and didnt stand a chance. His post mortem showed he had the start of emphysema and a cancerous tumor on his kidney. He most definitely would've preferred to go early the way he did than struggle through treatment. He hadn't been to the drs for over 20 years before he died!

 

[Loppylou89]

This is such a hard time of year so please go easy on yourselves and remember it's okay to not be okay. Sending everyone love and I hope you all have the best Christmas you can

 

[mee43]

After two years of feeling like my heart is fractured every morning when I wake up, and suddenly bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, I’ve suddenly found myself feeling incredibly numb.
Is this normal? My mind feels like it keeps shutting down when I start to drift to thoughts of my Dad.
I feel sort of frozen inside.
It’s a stressful time of year anyway and maybe that’s having an effect on me.
And I want to be at a place where I can remember my Dad with love and a smile.
But the way I’m feeling right now is almost worse than the constant grief. It’s like my brain won’t let me remember him
Just wondering if anyone else has felt like this?
Wishing you all a peaceful and calm few days ahead.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

After two years of feeling like my heart is fractured every morning when I wake up, and suddenly bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, I’ve suddenly found myself feeling incredibly numb.
Is this normal? My mind feels like it keeps shutting down when I start to drift to thoughts of my Dad.
I feel sort of frozen inside.
It’s a stressful time of year anyway and maybe that’s having an effect on me.
And I want to be at a place where I can remember my Dad with love and a smile.
But the way I’m feeling right now is almost worse than the constant grief. It’s like my brain won’t let me remember him
Just wondering if anyone else has felt like this?
Wishing you all a peaceful and calm few days ahead.

My husband is like this about his dad, not as much now but for a few years he was very closed off and just not his usual self.
I don't want to be nosy or inappropriate but have you done any grief counselling? There's no right or proper way to grieve but you might feel more able to cope if you have someone to talk to.

My mum passed in March of 2015, I cried a lot and went through that numbness as well. Now I can laugh about the silly stuff my mum did but certain days (like today being so close to Christmas) I feel a bit weird and sad that she's gone.

I hope that helps a little bit?

 

[mee43]

My husband is like this about his dad, not as much now but for a few years he was very closed off and just not his usual self.
I don't want to be nosy or inappropriate but have you done any grief counselling? There's no right or proper way to grieve but you might feel more able to cope if you have someone to talk to.

My mum passed in March of 2015, I cried a lot and went through that numbness as well. Now I can laugh about the silly stuff my mum did but certain days (like today being so close to Christmas) I feel a bit weird and sad that she's gone.

I hope that helps a little bit?

Thank you for replying - it is a help to know others have experienced the same feeling
Grief counselling is something I’ve thought about a lot, but haven’t fully looked into.
I may seek out a counsellor in the new year as I think it would help to properly talk about it.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Thank you for replying - it is a help to know others have experienced the same feeling
Grief counselling is something I’ve thought about a lot, but haven’t fully looked into.
I may seek out a counsellor in the new year as I think it would help to properly talk about it.

I hope it helps you. I'm feeling a bit sad and weird today as well, this time of year is always a hurdle.
You have all of us to talk with as well, it always helps knowing someone knows what you're going through.

 

[KingPrawnOkay]

Thinking of everyone who’s struggling at this time of the year - and bless you all for sharing your stories. I read a quote once that said, “I don’t know how to talk about you without feeling like I’m losing you all over again every time the story ends.” Anyone who can talk about their dead parent with a straight face is incredibly brave.

My mum died of cancer when I was 18, almost ten years ago. She meant the world to me, and wasn’t just my best friend, but at times my only true friend. I’m autistic and horribly shy, and my mum was my “person” - I wouldn’t have minded if we were the only two people on the planet, as she was all I needed.

My mum’s death changed everything. Even ten years on, I still cry, and the ache in my chest hasn’t gone away. I dream about her frequently, and ask why she hasn’t come back for me, and then wake up in tears. I think it’s okay - I don’t think anyone could expect you to be 100% happy again after losing your mum. But it still hurts.

OH and I have talked about TTC next year. I’m so excited, but I’ve got no idea how you’re supposed to be a mum when you haven’t got yours any more.

Merry Christmas everyone - thinking of you all deeply.

 

[Stillwater]

My most sincere and genuine love to everyone on this thread

What a jarring time of year to be so freshly bereaved - Dad (78) died 1 month ago after 6 months of pancreatic cancer, the final 2 weeks, for which he was home and me and my family nursed him, are grade A trauma.

I have been largely focussed on the relief for him, on his thoroughly excellent life so thoroughly well lived but today I feel sad and angry for us that he actually was felled and he should be here still having a thoroughly excellent time. My poor, poor Mum - so lost without him, just bewildered really.

May some of the original quiet peace of Christmas provide you, or anyone reading, with a little solace x

 

[MaineCoonMama]

My most sincere and genuine love to everyone on this thread

What a jarring time of year to be so freshly bereaved - Dad died 1 month ago after 6 months of pancreatic cancer, the final 2 weeks, for which he was home and me and my family nursed him, are grade A trauma.

I have been largely focussed on the relief for him, on his thoroughly excellent life so thoroughly well lived but today I feel sad and angry for us that he actually was felled and he should be here still having a thoroughly excellent time. My poor, poor Mum - so lost without him, just bewildered really.

May some of the original quiet peace of Christmas provide you, or anyone reading, with a little solace x

Those first months and years are sad and confusing. My heart goes out to you and your mum. X

 

[ElChanguito]

I’m sending this song every single person who has contributed or read this thread. I hope you like it. From my heart to yours

 

[BonBon27]

I’ve gone in early with my Christmas meltdown, the last couple of years it’s been Boxing Day it’s hit me but I just flicked the tv channels and saw Captain Von Trapp singing Edelweiss and it got me I miss my mum so much it hurts my heart.
I hope you all find some peace and comfort this Christmas, or can just ignore it and get to the 27th without too much sadness.

 

[IllBredHen]

Merry Christmas to you all. Wishing you all peace this Christmas

 

[HoGi]

My mum got me a necklace for Christmas that has a pendant that is engraved with my late dad's handwriting. It says "love dad x"

I bawled like a baby when I opened it.

 

[Stillwater]

How’s everyone getting on?

We had a nice day, went out for lunch in order to be in entirely different surroundings. I found I was ok whilst we were “doing” Christmas but the prospect-waiting to go out and “get on with it” and then getting in the evening, that’s when I was extremely tearful.

The trappings of Christmas I have found very comforting actually, tree, fairy lights, bustle but the actual event just needed done. Still, first one is complete and the rest will be what they will be. Ever changing I suppose.

Solidarity

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I had two moments yesterday, one was when a family friend dropped in and said they remembered it was our first Christmas without Dad. The second came when we raised a glass to absent friends at the table... my son in law's grandad died last week, so we remembered them both. I just wasn't up to taking flowers to Dad's grave yesterday, so my younger daughter and son in law suggested a quiet early walk today with the dogs and we went via the churchyard. It was so odd because my one dog just sat right next to where we laid it. She loved my Dad and it was as if she was standing guard by him.

I hope everyone is getting by the best you can

 

[Susspicious]

My mum died a year and a half ago and I still cry every day. I was 26, she was 46; two of my siblings were under 20, and all of them are autistic with no other family. I’m lucky to have a partner (and his amazing family). I have so much survivor’s guilt over having them when my siblings have nobody but me.

My partner said he hasn’t seen me cry in over a year (though I’ve told him that I do and he of course believes me). Any other problem in my life, I open up to him about. We tell each other EVERYTHING. We talk for hours every single day. Yet I just cannot bring myself to talk to him about my grief, or cry over my mum in front of him. I have no idea why this is, other than because I know that he doesn’t understand. He could hold me and tell me that he’s there for me, but he just cannot comprehend what I’m going through, and so it feels futile. I frantically wipe my eyes and paint on a smile when he gets home from work, etc.. And I think this emotional distance is affecting us intimately, as well as causing me to constantly second-guess whether or not I find him an emotionally mature enough person (even though it’s not his fault that I’m not talking to him about it). I wonder if anyone else has experienced this.

I also feel quite jealous of him and his perfect family with young, healthy parents, and happy siblings with lovely families of their own (something my siblings might never have). I feel incredibly guilty for feeling jealous, as his parents have given me two absolutely wonderful Christmases with them since my mum died.

I reached out to my GP for therapy but ended up with urgent treatment for OCD, as opposed to anything for grief. I’ve had OCD traits my whole life but they became severe when my mum was very unwell. I can’t afford anything private.

Anyway, I guess this is just a little dumping of my emotions. Although I cry every day, I’m doing okay. I do struggle with being convinced that I’m going to die in 20 years, though. It felt very validating and reassuring to read other people’s struggles with that on here.

 

[thegrumpos]

@Susspicious that sounds so hard, I’m so sorry for your loss for you and your siblings.

If you can I would definitely recommend going back and having some focused grief counselling. You could well be struggling with trauma from the loss, I definitely did. It took me about a year to say to the GP I needed it, I had 6 sessions and it really helped to talk about it. Offload, cry, say all the things I wanted to but didn’t want to tell my partner (totally understand about not telling him, it’s very normal to not want to share these thoughts outloud with people IN your life). About 2 years after my initial course I have gone back to private therapy to deal with it again, the initial sessions helped the shock and trauma aspect but I needed more to deal with the sadness and grief, if that makes sense. It has really helped. Xx
---
@Susspicious sorry I see that money is a factor in not going to private therapy. There might be free services and support groups you can join if you feel up to it.
I can’t tell you how much it helped to talk to someone unrelated, I know it doesn’t help everyone but it was the turning point for me x

 

[BonBon27]

One of my friends lost her mother in law last night, and all of the others who haven’t lost a parent are telling her about grief and how comforting it is that her children were all with her when she died. And I’m biting my tongue because I’ve blocked out being at my mum’s bed when she died, I can’t bear thinking about it. And they’re all saying all the empty words people say when someone dies and it makes me because it’s all crap! No one cares if she’s at peace now or if she lived a lovely life or if she had an amazing family. They just want their mum

 

[Stillwater]

Yes, I think you only understand the cliche of those types of words when you’ve experienced it. What I know now, and actually what I had read before, is it’s better to say how absolutely bleeping tit for you all - I am sorry, it is unmitigated bollocks. But we aren’t conditioned to speak in this very honest way.